This is the joke channel, enter at your own risk.

Conservatives have just won the Crewe election. And on that joke at this ungodly hour, this incontinent insomniac is heading back to the shallow-end.

Oooh nasty!

PS I'm not really an insomniac

just popped back to see if I had shut computer off (which I had) and locked back door (ditto). I thought about making a wisecrack about that syndrome where you check things again and again, but as God is my judge and I'm not joking, I cant for the life of me remember the name of the condition.

Bloody amnesia has set in!!!!

Serves me right for taking the pee about incontinence. Furthermore I shan't doze off 'till it comes to me.

Good job I didn't do the gnome gag.

Aitch,was Adam older or younger than you?

True Story;

The late chef Fanny Craddock was on TV showing viewers how to make doughnuts.
Her husband Johnny who assisted her goes to the oven to pull out a tray and presents the contents of the tray to the viewers with these immortal words,"I hope your doughnuts turn out like Fanny's"

I think we are about the same Roy.

Two boys went out duck hunting for the first time. They were out in the cold morning for hours, and though ducks were everywhere they hadn't been able to get even one. Finally, one boy says to the other, "Maybe we ought to give this up." The other replies, "Naw, let's give it a while longer."
"C'mon, let's face it, we just ain't duck hunters."
"Well, let's keep trying. Maybe we're just not throwing the dogs up high enough."

Are rude jokes allowed here ? (blue ones) coz iv'e plenty. wouldn't want to offend any one..!

Old Wigan woman goes to the doctors and says, "There is summat wrong with me seat!" Doctor bends her over, gets a torch, starts prodding and poking and the woman says, "Owd mon what a bloody thing to go through for some new glasses!"

I wouldn't think so as children use the site, I think something of this calibre is OK, If not Brian will soon tell us.

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane.

The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again.

The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently!

Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?"

The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

Bloke from Worseley Mesnes decides to go and help at Ground Zero following 9/11. He is moving all the debris when an American Fireman approaches and says, "Hey man, thats some accent, where are you from?" The Bloke says "Worseley Mesnes mate!" The american says, "Worsley Mesnes eh. Never heard of it. Whats state is it in?" The Wiganer replies, "A worse bloody state than here!"

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, “Dat’s dem”. The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. “Yeah, we’ll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere,” says Gerry, “Put dem in a peeper bag.” The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.

They get into Gerry’s van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. “Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?” says Gerry. “Oh, yeh, dis looks good,” replies Paddy.

They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. “I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?” says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a ‘SPLAT’. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, “bugger dat, dis budgie jumpin’ is too bloody dangerous for me.”

A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar ‘peeper bag’. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.

“Hi, Paddy. Watch this,” Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot’s head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT!, as he joins Gerry’s remains at the bottom. Paddy shakes his head and says, “An’ oim never troyin’ dat parrot-shooting nider.”

A few minutes after Seamus splats himself, Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar ‘peeper bag’. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself of the cliff with the usual result. Once more Paddy shakes his head - “Bugger me Sean, first der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrot shooting and now you blimmin’ hen gliding.”

gud un jono, I like that one

Thanks aitch just got changed,read the cake joke and pi---d myself,so now getting changed again

Aitch did you used to go in the conquering hero when colin brad had it?

franny, the old woman with the glasses one was brilliant, i nearly peed myself laughing

chap goes into pub and orders a pint of mild. As he takes his first mouthful, he squints, breaks wind and fills his kecks with diarrhoea stinking the place out.

I'm so terribly sorry, he says you've no idea how embarrassing this is and he dashes off.

next evening he returns. 'feeling better sir?' asks the landlord. Yes thank you he replies and orders a pint of mild.

Has a sup, sqints, lets one go and follows through, again stinking the pub out.

'Oh I'm so sorry' he exclaims, 'this is so embarrassing'

the landlord tells him that there is obviously something amiss and he should see the quack. politely asking him not to return until he is cured.

several weeks pass and your man goes back into pub and orders a mild.

are you sorted-out asks landlord. 'yes' he replies. 'you sure?' the chap explains that the doc told him it was a psychological problem and he had been to see a shrink.

reassured that everything is hunky-dory, the landlord serves him.

he takes a mouthfull, squints, farts and fills his pants.

'SWINE YOU SAID YOU WERE CURED' shouts the governor.

'I am says the chap.' 'I'm not embarrasssed anymore'

Mick meets Pat carrying a sack,what have you got in the sack says Mick, ducks says Pat, if i can tell you how many ducks youve got in the sack will you give me one, says Mick, if you can tell me thatsays Pat you can have them both,Ok said Mick, three.

Yep I surely did go into the conq among other establishments of the liquid variety

I worked behind the bar for Colin Brad then Jacquie Penman

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her bum and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."

While this was really annoying, she thought better and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

This was way out of order, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the b***s.

With a death grip in place she said,"You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man and your brother"!

Why do Morris Men have bells on their legs?

So they can also annoy blind people!

to little lads playing out side when there mam shouts them in tommy harry little tommy comes in coverd in mud his mam shouts what youve been doing ive been playing farm yard with are harry ive been a pig rolling over in the mud his mam slaps him and sends him to bed hes going up stairs crying and says our harrys had it when he comes in hes been a chicken and hes shit in his pants twice trying to lay an egg

Sorry I'm late but iv been looking for crystal skulls with Indiana Jones

The MacTavish brothers decided that one of their number would go to America and make his fortune, coming back to share with the rest of them. The youngest, Gary, was chosen for this task. Off he went, and he worked hard in America, and earned himself a fortune over a few years, and wired his brothers that he'd be returning with it. When he came back to Scotland he got off the boat, and looked around for his brothers, but could not see anyone who looked familiar. Finally, a group of bearded strangers approached. "Ho, Gary, are ye not knowing yer own brothers?" asked the first one. Then Gary realized his brothers had grown beards.
"Fer heaven's sake, laddies, what would ye be growin' them beards for, now?" he asked.
"We had to, lad, ye took the razor wi' ye!"

and here's one for the ladies

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror, taking a long hard look at herself.
"You know dear", she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are hunched over, I've got fat legs, and my arms are flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive, to make me feel better about myself."
He studies hard for a moment, thinking about it, and says in a soft, thoughtful voice. "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

This one got me chuckling

Two cannibals had just cooked up a missionary, and were having dinner. The first says to the second, "Hey, what do you think of this missionary?" The second replies, "Quite tasty; much better than those pork pies they used to serve us at the London School of Economics."

aitch, from now on your the joke king! long may you reign

A man walks into a bar and asks the barman, 'Was I in here last night?'
'You certainly were,' replies the barman.
'And did I spend a lot of money?'
'You spent over £100', replies the barman.
'Thank god for that,' says the man, 'I thought I'd wasted it.'

Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing into the future.
When did this first happen?
Next Tuesday.


Men are like a pack of cards, you need a heart to love them, a diamond to marry them, a club to batter them, and a spade to bury them.

and here's one I prepared earlier, I think you ladies on here will like this one.

A chicken farmer goes into a local tavern, takes a seat at the bar next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
He turns to her and says, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man.
They clink glasses and he asks, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"That's great," says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replies.
"What a coincidence" she said, so did I.

lol aitch, were do you get them all from?

And this is my last before I go to bed with the bird I love, (A famous Grouse)

Three women were talking about their love lives.

The first said, "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated".

The second said, "Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful".

The third said, "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going".

it was terrible, i was away on business, and i emailed my wife to say i,d be back a day early. i rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my brother. how could she do this?
well, says hes friend, maybe she did,nt get your email.....

why do married women weigh more than single women?
single women come home, see whats in the fridge and go to bed. married women come home, see whats in bed and go to the fridge.

Aitch,I have just read the one you said was for me,it's more a saga than a joke,it took me nearly as long to read it as Captain Cook getting to Botany Bay,but I loved the punch line. My turn now.
Ahmed Smith wanted to go to Canada so he went to the Canadian High Commision to inquire.There he was told of the new procedure,no longer were you required to be resident for 3 to 5 years to become a Canadian citizen,but you had to be prepared to have the brain operation in Manchester General after which you would speak Canadian,think Canadian,in other words you would be Canadian.Ahmed went away to think about it and after two days decided he would go ahead.After the operation he was in the recovery room and the surgeon came to visit and he said,"I'm sorry to tell you Mr smith that the operation didn't go to plan and we took away more brain than we intended"
Ahmed replied,"Don't worry thisel lad,Ah'll be awreet when Ah get wom".

NB Last time Ahmed was seen was at The Galleries Open market.

Gud un roy,ahl tell thi one moor then am goin aht.

A British colonel was walking down the street in London when he saw a guy with no arms and no legs sitting in the gutter playing a mouth organ. A sign beside the guy read, Victim of Falklands War."
"Bloody disgraceful, what," said the colonel, "the way the country treats its veterans!" So saying, he pulled out his wallet, peels off two fifty pound notes and dropped them in the guy's hat. The guy looked up and says, "Mucho gracias, senor."

Two Liquorice allsorts in a bar, when they are approached by a cough toffee who starts to scream at them and threaten them. One allsort says to the other, "Take no notice of him, he's bloody menthal!"

Bloke is drunk on the fairground at Blackpool and goes on the pellet guns. Takes his first shot and it goes straight through a teddy bear, second shot smashes a goldfish bowl and the third shot just misses the stall holder. The Stall holder says, "Jesus Christ, put the gun down and I will give you any prize you want!" The bloke says, "I will have one of them moving tin ducks!"

A fellow from Aspull was sat at the bar in a pub having a pint when a woman came up to him and asked "Do you fancy a bit on the side"
He gawped at her and said, "Why has it moved"

i dont get it!

Good un minstrel

I don't neither minstrel pmsl. I'm a bit slow lol.

i,m serious! i just dont get it

I am custard. I'm hard work,lol.

The teacher was asking his young class questions about medical buildings,
Can anyone tell me what is a hospital.
A young girl stood up and said "please sir it's a place where they take people who are ill or have been hurt"
"Well done", said the teacher, "Now can anyone tell me what is a sanatorium"
Another young girl got up and said, "please sir it is a place where they isolate people who have contagious diseases"
"Well done" said the teacher, "an excellent answer", now then can anyone tell me what's an hospice".
A little Yorkshire lad stood up at the back of the class and said, "Please sir, it's nearly a bucketful everytime".

Good un

i get that one!

the fellow from aspull one is doing my head in, explain please.

A pit man from Scholes had just got home from work and was sat at the table having his tea when his young son came and sat across from him and laid out some books on the table.
"Wot doin' lad" asked his father.
"I've got to answer some geography questions" said the lad.
"Neaw Ah'll gi'e thi a bit uv advice" said his dad, "make sure tha reads thi questions proper un tha understonds 'em cos if tha doesn't tha met ged 'em wrung an' make a foo o' thisel un me un thi mother".
"ok dad" said the lad.
After a few minutes the lad looked up and said to his dad, "eigh dad wheers th' himalayas".
His dad said, "Tha wot"
The lad again said, "Wheers th'himalayas"
His dad said, "Tha'd better ask thi mam, her puts everythin' away i' this heawse".

I think its clicked now. Has her thingymajig moved to the side,lol.

Well done andreaj, go to the top of the class To be honest it hadn't moved but he was asking if it had. pmsl

I won't take all the credit minstrel, my husbands just explained it to me,lol. Keep um comin.

A wiggin lad in London for the rugby final was walking past a pub when he saw a notice in the window which said, "A pint, a pie and a woman for half an hour, £2.50 all in"
he shot in the pub ran up to the bar and said to the lanlord, "Who's pies are they"

no offense, but even if her thingamajig moved to the side or anywhere else, i still dont get it!

Peter and his girl friend Ella went to Spain for a weeks holiday, like true Wigginers as soon as they got there, they dumped their cases in the hotel room and sent off for the nearest pub, after a couple of hours on the vino they went to a restaurant for a meal.
Peter was looking through the menu when he said to his girl friend, "Do you fancy trying the paella.
She looked at him and asked, "What sort is it, meight an' prato".

oh! come on minstrel, over an hour! i still dont get the aspuller one, am i slow or what? is it an aspull thing?

Oh custard, I can't go in to detail with an explanation, I might get banned, stick with the apple pie love lol

A little girl goes to the Doctors!........
DOCTOR...DOCTOR....She says!..it's me little brother he thinks he's an orange!
The doctor says! where is he then..The little girl says!.....In me pocket......

Sorry I'm a bit late, I've been to a 21st birthday party, talk about being out of your depth, but that's another story, hope this one mkes up for the delay.

A woman is frustrated with her love life because her husband has a massive crush on Brigitte Bardot. To win back his attentions, she goes to a tattooist to have the letters 'BB' tattooed on her boobs.

The tattooist warns her that age and gravity would probably make this unattractive later in life, and suggests the tattoo on her butt instead. She agrees, and bends over to receive a 'B' on each buttock.

When her husband gets home from work that night, she greets him by turning around, bending over, and lifting her dress to expose the artwork.

"What do you think?" the wife says.

"Uh, who the hell is Bob?" the husband replies.

....B 0 B...is it that guy!

What is the difference between a Scottish man and a member of the Rolling Stones?

A member of the Rolling Stones says, "Hey you! Get off my cloud!"
The Scot says, "Hey McCloud, get off my ewe!"

and here's a corny one

Two policemen are called to the scene of a crime in a convenience store. One asks the manager what happened.
He replies "There's a man over there covered in Corn Flakes and he's dead."
"That's odd," said the first policeman, "didn't we have one covered in Bran Flakes yesterday? And another covered in Wheata Flakes last week?"
"Your right" said the second policeman. "This must be the work of a cereal killer."

and another and good night all.

Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The policeman said, "What's he like?"

Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"

And when they get sentenced it's Porridge!
.

Touche Doc, I like it.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get."

does any one attempt to play golf if so I have 1 or 2 for you just for an example

A man out playing golf slices off into the woods. When he goes to find the ball he discovers a witch (hat and all) stirring a cauldron. So out of curiosity he asks her what she is brewing.

"A magic potion" she replies.

"Well what does it for" he asks.
"This potion will make anyone an excellent golfer."

At this he gets really excited and asks if he can have some. She is agreeable but warns him that it will have dire consequences on his sex life.

After a short period of soul searching he decides to try the potion. He goes back to the golf course and completes an excellent game of golf. Next he challenges the golf pro and beats him easily. He spends every possible moment of the next year playing golf at every course he manage to get to and having a wonderful time of it. After a year he finds himself back at the same course where he found the witch. Out of curiosity he slices one into the woods so he can talk to her.

"Well", she asks, "How has your game been?"
"Great! This has been the best year of my life. I have played all over the country and never lost a game."

"And how about your sex life?"
"Oh, not bad."

"Really? This stuff can really ruin a guys sex life. Say, how many times did you have sex last year?"
"Hmmmm, it was three, no, four times."

"And you call that not bad?"
"Not for a priest with a small parish."

The tycoon and the call-girl are sitting up in bed, the girl with a most disgruntled expression on her face, the tycoon frowning, heavily.

'Of course I'm a premature ejaculator,' the tycoon says, forcefully. 'I'm a busy man.'

Man walks into a butchers shop and asks the butcher if he has a sheep's head and he said,"No,it's the way I comb my hair".

why do women rub their eyes when they wake-up?

cos they've no b****cks to scratch

A man walked into a pet shop and said, 'I'd like a puppy for my son.'
'Sorry sir,' said the store owner, 'we don't do part exchange.'

This guy walks into a bar, carrying a crocodile and a chicken. He sets them down on the stool next to him, and says to the (uncertain-looking) bartender "I'll have a Scotch and Soda." Then the crocodile says "And I'll have a Whiskey Sour." The (dumbfounded) bartender gasps "That's incredible; I've never seen a crocodile that could talk!" And the guy says "He can't; the chicken is a ventriloquist

A Scotsman wanted to impress his girlfriend so he took her for a ride in a taxi. The trouble was, she was so beautiful he could hardly keep his eyes on the meter

An Englishman, and Irishman and a Scotsman went into a bar. The Englishman stood a round of drinks, the Irishman stood a round of drinks and the Scotsman stood around

How do you know if a Scotsman is left-handed?
He keeps all his money in his right-hand pocket.

Hamish was building a garden shed and he ran out of nails so he went to the hardware store to buy some more.
"How long do you want them?" asked the storekeeper.
"Oh, I need to keep them," replied Hamish.

two things you'll never get mixed up;

a scotsman with a grudge and a ray of sunshine.

definition of a yorkshireman;
a scotsman his generosity gene removed

Patient: "Doctor, doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."



Doctor: "I've got some cream for that."

CURTAIN RODS---- This is PRICELESS

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked

People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.


The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!

Three men have been stranded on this island for ten years. One day a bottle floats into shore. They pull the cork and a genie comes out and gives them each one wish because he wants to repay them for releasing him from the bottle where he's been imprisoned for 1000 years.
The Englishman, an electrician, says "I wish to be home with my wife!" There is a loud wooosh! and he is gone.
The Frenchman, a carpenter, says "Yeah! I too wish to be home with my wife." again there is the same loud wooosh! and he too is gone.
The American who is a doctor says,"Gee I wish my two friends were back here to help me decide............."

Quickies ....

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says
"A beer please, and one for the road."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.
The doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball ... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife,
"Hey, this looks like yours!"

and here's one for us gentlemen and ladies of advanced years

For those of us getting along in years, here is a little secret for building your arm and shoulder muscles. You might want to adopt this regime! Three days a week works well.
Begin by standing outside behind the house, with a 5-LB. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can, if you can reach a full minute, relax. You may start feeling the exercise work with a little pain.
After a few weeks, move up to 10-LB. potato sacks After you have master the 10lb sacks move up to the 50-LB. potato sacks. You should start feeling stronger. Then move up to the 100 lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
Next, start adding a couple of potatoes in each of the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it at this level.

hope no ones offended by this but I think its a good one

this is from an Italian

One day I go to Toronto and stay in a bigga hotel.

I go down to eat soma breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna two pissa toast. She bring me only one piss.

I tella her I wanna two piss; she say, go to toilet - I say, you no understand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you betta no piss on plate, you sonna ma b*tch! I don't even know lady, she calla me somma ma b*tch.

Then I go to pharmacia with a cougha. The man he give me candy ana tell me fa cough! - I don't even know man ana he tella me FA COUGH!

Later I got to eat soma lunch at Ricky's Place, the waitress she bring me spoon, a knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock - She tell me everybody wanna fock. I tella her, you no understand, I wanna fock on table. She say you betta not fock on table you sonna ma b*tch - I not even know lady ana she call me sonna ma b*tch.

So, I go back to my hotel room, an there's no sheet on my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna sheet, he tell me go to toilet. So, I say, you no understand, I wanna sheet on bed. He say you betta not sheet on bed you sonna ma b*tch. I don't even know man ana he call me sonna ma b*tch!

I go to check out of hotel and man at desk say peace to you. I say peace on you too!, you sonna ma b*tch! - I GO BACK TO ITALY!!!

Last one, having a change, going to bed with Jameson, whatever that is (burp)

Ancient History Explained...

A team of archaeologists found a slab of rock with 5 figures carved on it, in order:

A Woman, A Donkey, A Shovel, A Fish, A Star of David.

After months of study, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were thousands of years old but even so, they revealed a lot about the people of that time.

The woman being placed first in the line of figures showed that women were held in very high esteem - most likely a family oriented culture.

They probably used the donkey to till the fields.
The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools.
The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea.
The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people.

A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker.

When acknowledged he said, "I'm sorry to blow your conclusions but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left.

That way it reads, "Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Chick!"

lol, good one aitch

what was that collection of daft birds? (I don't mean the spice girls either)
I can only remember a few.

ouzlem bird; stuck its beak so far up it's own fundament that it is now extinct!

oomigoolie bird; had no legs and made a strange cry on landing.

winkyw***y bird; when it winks it DON'T THROW SAND IN HIS EYES MADAM!!!


what were the rest?

I must say there are some great jokes on here, thankyou to all who have contributed. Keep up the good work.

I hope I dont offend anyone with this but I think its very funny It reminds me of when I was working in
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch
A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all he visits a Cornish farmer.

"So, Cornish farmer, how do you shag your sheep?" "Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."

"That's very interesting," replies the researcher and he leaves the Cornish farmer. Then he meets a Midlands Farmer.

"So, Midlands farmer, how do you shag your sheep?"
"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."
"That's very interesting," replies the researcher. "That's how they do it in Cornwall too." And he leaves the Midlands farmer. Then he meets a farmer from Abergaveny.

"So, Abergaveny farmer, how do you shag your sheep?"
"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over my shoulders."

"Over your shoulders?" replies the researcher. "Don't you put them over a wall like everyone else?"

"What?" says the farmer. "And miss out on all the kissing?!"

Hope I haven't offended Aussie Roy with this

Come on people there must be more than me who know a good joke or two letsbehavinum
this is my last today.

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said: "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"
The Fairy Godmother replied: "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish. "I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned.

Cinderella said "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!" The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What is your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: "I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again."

At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul. Then the Fairy Godmother spoke again: "You have one more wish, what shall you have?"

Cinderella looked over to Alan, who was now quivering in the corner with fear. "I wish you to transform my old cat, Alan, into a beautiful and handsome young man." Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biologicial make up, that when he stoof before her, he was a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother said: "Congratulations Cinderella! Enjoy your new life." With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

For a few moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his muscular arms.

He leant close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, "I bet you regret having my b***s chopped off now, don't you

The following is not exactly a joke but a saucy little ditty:-
A taxi-cab whore out of Iver,
Would do the round trip for a fiver.
Quite reasonable too,
For a sightsee,a screw,
And a ten shillings tip for the driver.

a chap returning from Aintree races gets a taxi to Liverpool docks. On the way the cabbie announces a riddle;
brothers and sisters I have none, but the man in that mirror (taps rear view mirror) is my fathers son. Who is it?

His passenger struggles, so the driver repeats the riddle several times. (i aint typing it though!)

At the docks the driver asks, 'do you give in?' Yes,yes, comes the reply.

It's me isn't it explains the cabbie smugly. Oh now I get it says our hero, who catches the ferry.

When he disembarks he catches another taxi and asks the driver;
'brothers and sisters I have none but himself in that mirror is my father's son. who is it?

Cabbie stuggles throughout the journey to no avail.

Arriving at the chaps house the driver has had enough and says go-on smart alec who is it.

Passenger replies;

To be sure it's obviously that scouse taxi driver I met yesterday!

Circus jokes anyone? (There are many, but they take a lot of typing)

Strong Man and Bearded Lady proudly announce their engagement and forthcoming nuptuals the in local press. (In other words they had to get married!)

A big gathering of circus folk followed and a traditional 'circus-wedding' took place, not far from the JJB stadium.

Circus people came from near and far to see this grand spectacle.

On the big day, your man from the Wigan Observer interviewed the happy couple, and politely made reference to her 'bump'.

What are you hoping for, asks scoop;
'a boy or a girl?'

The unshaven one replied 'as long as it fits in that cannon, I don't give a flying F*%$£'

Ooooh nasty woman

Speaking of strongmen;

The old fellow who lives next door to me tells me he used to bend half-inch rods of iron bar over his erection. (hope that is ok under the not in front of the children act 1969)

He can't do it anymore though as his wrists have gone arthritic.

Not circus,but animal related.

A Whelley couple went to a fancy dress do at Aspull Civic Hall dressed as a pantomime cow.

At the end of the night there were no taxis available (not even 515151), so they decided to walk it home. As a laugh they agreed to stay in costume.

Influenced by the mild he had supped, the bloke who was in the front end, decided to take a short-cut across the fields.

Before long they heard a snorting noise.

Whats that? asks the missus. The chap lifts up the head and looks aroud.

"Dear me!" he shouts, or something to that effect. (it wasn't dairy me ether)

"Theres a heiffering great big bull stood right behind us"

She starts panicking and says "what the hell should we do?"

He replies;

"Well I'm going to bend down and start chewing grass. You'd better brace yourself love."

Oooh agricultual

Don't Call Us.
We'll Call You

A rabbi and a priest get into a bad car accident. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the religious men are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar and says, “So you’re a priest, I’m a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There’s nothing left, but thankfully we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. He must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.”

The priest replies, “I agree with you completely, this absolutely must be a sign from above.”

The rabbi continues, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Johnny Walker Whiskey didn’t break. Surely he wants us to drink this and celebrate our good fortune.” Then he hands the bottle to the priest.

The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

The rabbi replies, “No… I think I’ll wait for the police.”

Wigan bloke goes to the Doctors and asks, "Is homosexuality hereditary?" The doctor is somewhat surprised and says, "Not at all man, why do you ask?" The bloke says, "Well, tha sees doctor, all three of mi brothers are gay, four of mi uncles and eight of mi cousins." The doctor is taken aback and says, "My God man, is there anyone in your family who likes women?" The bloke replies, "Aye, mi sister!"

Like that one Franny

A naval officer met a pirate at an inn and couldn't help but noticing that the pirate had a wooden leg, a hook and an eye patch.
"How did you get the wooden leg?" asked the officer.
"Well," said the pirate, "we were in a storm at sea and I was swept overboard into shark-infested waters. And one of the sharks bit off my leg."
"That's terrible," said the officer. "What about the hook? How did you come by that?"
"Well" said the pirate, "we were boarding an enemy ship and in the heat of battle, my right hand was sliced off by an enemy swordsman."
"How terrible," said the officer. "And the eye patch?"
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye."
"You lost your eye because of a seagull dropping?"
"Well, it was my first day with the hook."

why do bulls have horns?

because their bells don't work

That was only a starter to get my typing finger going.

During the night, part of a dry-stone wall had collapsed and two bulls (father & son) investigated the situation.

Not only was the wall breached, but they could easily get through the gap.
In the distance, across the valley, they could see a herd of cows.

"I know" said the youngster, "now we have the chance, let's run over there and 'entertain' some of those cows."

"No son" said the elder bull "I've a better idea. Lets walk over and 'entertain' all of them.

Done this one before but here goes;

His and Hers Diary;

Her Diary; He came in, he looked so upset, so much so he could not talk to me. The tears in his eyes say it all. I hope it is not what I have been dreading the most, an affair. Why wont he tell me? Why do we have to suffer this pain. Please, Oh God, I hope it is not another woman. How would I cope? Finally, we went to bed and made love, fell asleep in each others arms.

His Diary; Latics lost again. Gutted. Got a jump though!

A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.


Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher Looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you
raise your Hand?'


'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'

'I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man Utd fan?'

'Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a Man Utd fan too!'

'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan.

You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time.

What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would
you be then?'

'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.'

and heres another just to keep the interest alive, the weekend starts here, so enjoy it.

On the day before the Battle of Hastings, King Harold said to the commander of his army, "Are the troops ready?"
"They are, your Majesty", said the commander, "Would you like a demonstration?"
"Yes, I would", said the King. So the commander lined all the archers up and instructed them to fire off a volley. Three thousand arrows sped through the air and landed a quarter of a mile away. But one clumsey archer fired straight up into the air, and the arrow went up several hundred feet, turned round and came back down again, landing about six inches from where the King was standing.
"You want to watch that fellow", said the King. "If he's not careful, he'll have somebody's eye out tomorrow!"

Custer's last stand (not to be confused with Custard!) the game is up, the lads are surrounded. Outmanned, outgunned short of bullets, somewhat downhearted and to put tin 'at on it, it's a particularly hot day.

General C sees a bottle in the dirt and picks it up, hoping to ease his dry throat.

He gives the dusty label a rub and lo and behold, out pops a genie.

"Looks like youre buggered owd lad", says the genie.

"Tell you what, I'll grant you one wish to help you out. You can have what you want, guns, men, horses, water anything. Just name it."

Custer smiles and starts thinking.

"One condition though" says the genie, "whatever I give you, I'll give the each of the injuns double"(hope that's ok PC wise)explaining "for every gun, horse etc that you get, they two or twice the amount"

Custer ponders for a moment.

"Sorted me owd corron" he shouts "give me one of them glass eyes"

A bloke in specsavers is told that he had better stop playing with himself.

"Nonsense", he shouts. "That's just an old wive's tale started by nuns probably."

"No, you really must stop", said the young assistant. "You're offending the other customers"

A chap who is seperated and has visiting rights, picks his little lad up on a Saturday morning.

"What shall we do today son?" he asks. "Football, funfair, pictures? it's your shout."

Little lad replies "zoo please daddy"

"But you go there every Sunday with Mummy?" Don't you fancy a change.

"ZOO, ZOO, ZOO" Shouted the little lad. So off they went.

Whilst at the zoo the kid was fixated with the elephant enclosure and wouldn't visit any other compound. He seemed transfixed by the sight of a bull elephant who was in an aroused state.

"What's that hanging down?" asks the kid.

"That's his trunk" says the dad.

"No, at the other end" the kid replies.

"Well, that's his tail isn't it" came the reply.

"No daddy, that bit dangling under his belly, between his front and back legs."

Knowing he's been cornered, the blushing father gives in and says "oh that bit, that's the elephant's willy."

"Is it?" says the nipper.

"Every time I ask mummy what it is, she always says it's nothing."

Your man replies "well son your mam's a lucky woman"[:p]

There is an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Ukrainian and the are in their final stages of training for the FBI. The agents explained to them their final test.

"We have each one of your wives contained in separate cells and what you guys have to do in order to complete your FBI training is you have to prove your loyalty. You must grab that gun and go into your wife's cell and kill her."

The Englishman grabbed the gun. "Man I hate that bitch. She is going to get it good." He walked off into the cell and was in there for about a minute. There was just silence. He came out crying, "We've been married too long. I just cant do it." So he was booted out.

The Frenchman grabbed the gun. "If I must, I must." He went into his wife's cell for about a minute and there was silence. He came walking out crying, "I love her too much. I just can't do it." So he was booted out.

So the ukrainian grabbed the gun and stormed into his wife's cell. "That bloody bitch is really going to get it." Gun shots went off until there was no more shots left. He was still in the room and all of a sudden, there was banging and scrapping and crashing and then silence. The ukrainian came out with cuts and bruises all over his face.

The agent asked, "What the hell happened in there?"

The Ukrainian replied, "Some pillock put blanks in the gun so I had to strangle the bitch!"

dostaf !!!! I like the specsaver's one

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

In that case tracyh;

Same chap went to doctor's for a life insurance medical.

After a good going over doc asks your man to take a seat and answer the usual lifestyle questions, do you drink/smoke and how much.

After a while doc leans across desk and asks "do you play with yourself?"

"That's a bit personal isn't it" says our hero.

"Patient confidentiality and all that" says doc tapping his nose "it'll go no further than this room. I won't even put it in the records"

"You promise" says our chap
"absolutely" says quack.

"Well in that case I do 'do it' occasionally. But no more than most people" came the embarrassed response.

Medic retorts "I do, good in't it!"

Two coppers giving a Wigan Beatnik a bit of jip on his way home.

Sgt plod digs his size 12 heel into the young lad's WINKLEPICKER.

"Do your toes reach the end of your shoes?" asks dibble.

"Aye, and do your f*****g heads reach the top of them helmets?" He politely replied.

And lo another paddy wagon was called to King Street.

Coppers and winklepickers in one posting, 2 for the price of one and no 'hijacking'.

A NUT JOKE

A party of schoolchildren went to Chester Zoo and many of the kids bought peanuts to throw to the chimpanzees.

One ape in particular, had the strange habit of sticking each nut up his bum before eating it.

This caused great amusement among the kids
and the 'choc-chip' primate, as they named him became a favourite.

Their embarrassed teacher suspected that all was not psychologically well with the animal and summoned a keeper.

"Don't worry about him" said the keeper.

"Last week someone threw him a walnut, and he was constipated for four days."

He went on "They're not daft you know. He now checks that what goes in can come out!"

Ooooh cheeky monkey

ANOTHER NUT JOKE

A motorist gets a puncture as he is passing Winwick hospital and he starts to change the wheel. As he does so a chap is watching him over the wall.

(the hospital is now gone but the wall is still there 03 06 08)

The motorist carefully puts the wheelnuts into his upturned hub cap as he swaps wheels. Unfortunately his foot catches the hubcap and the nuts spill out and fall down a grid. DISASTER!!!

The spectator says "that's a bugger aint it"

"Yes it is" says the poor chap, "and I've just let my AA membership run out"

"Not to worry" says the observer, "just take one nut from each of your other three wheels, use them, and each wheel will be securely held enough to get you home"

"Brilliant", says the driver. "I'm sorry, but at first I mistook you for an inmate. What are you a maintenance man or something?"

"No, I'm a patient here" the chap replies,
"we're not all nutters in here you know. I'm a mechanic by trade and I have just had a few problems lately."

He continues; "I'm now on the best side of things and due to sign myself out, as soon as I can find a decent job"

"Well" said the motorist, "you're in luck there. My brother has a chain of garages, I'll get him to contact the hospital and sort you out with a job".

They exchange details and as the driver puts his wheel, jack etc. in the boot, he is hit across the back of the head by a flying housebrick. THWACKKK!!!!

"Don't forget now will you?" Shouted the grinning figure over the wall.

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,

'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand

good un.

Could do with a few teachers like that these days eh Shasha

Would the Joint Matriculation Board some to the student's rescue, I wonder?

Sydney....What!!!!

Out in the Wild West a cowboy found an Indian with his ear pressed to the ground. 'What are you listening for?' asked the cowboy.
'A stage coach passed this way five minutes ago,' said the Indian.
'How can you tell?' asked the cowboy.
'It ran over me and broke my neck,' replied the Indian.

For those of us getting along in years, here is a little secret for building your arm and shoulder muscles. You might want to adopt this regime! Three days a week works well.
Begin by standing outside behind the house, with a 5-LB. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can, if you can reach a full minute, relax. You may start feeling the exercise work with a little pain.
After a few weeks, move up to 10-LB. potato sacks After you have master the 10lb sacks move up to the 50-LB. potato sacks. You should start feeling stronger. Then move up to the 100 lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
Next, start adding a couple of potatoes in each of the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it at this level.

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without blinking an eyelid she said,

'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub

a little girl walks into her parents room, and notices for the first time her dads nakedness.
immediately she is curious, he has equipment that she did,nt have, she asks, "what are those round things hanging there daddy?
proudly, he replies, "those sweetheart are gods apples of life. without them we would,nt be here."
puzzled, she seeks her mummy out and tells her what daddy has said.
to which mummy asks, did he say anything about the dead branch they,re hanging from?

custard

I can't respond to that one, as the similar joke I know is far too obscene for this venue. (venue, get me)

It certainly contravenes the not in front of the children act 1969

However I'll do a more tame one, but the typing may take a while. Hang-on, where's me goggles?

Many years ago, a young couple of newly-weds went on their honeymoon to Blackpool.

He was a young miner, whilst she was an innocent millgirl. (Catherine Cookson has nowt on this!)

Neither had ever taken a tram further than Pemberton, let alone steamed off without parents or chaperones to the bright lights of Lancs-Sur-Mer.

They proudly booked into Mrs Higginbottom's boarding house as man and wife, where they could enjoy a double bed for the first time, with optional cruet set at two shillings extra.

After tea, and a stroll along the prom, the naive couple retired to their room and she put her nightie on, under the blankets, whilst he changed in the bathroom down the landing.

Eventually they both got into bed, and each wondered what was next on the agenda.

He said, "All the lads at the pit said that I'd get what's what tonight. I wonder what they meant"

"That's strange" she replied "the girls at the mill said the same to me. And they were giggling"

"Oh, I get it, they've played a joke on us." he says "they'll have hidden something in the room to trick us. Let's look for it."

After half an hour of fruitless searching, looking behind the curtains, turning out the drawers etc. he decides to check under the bed and crawls under it.

When he emerges at the other side, a broken bedspring has hooked his pyjama pants, and he stands up semi naked.

The blushing bride, who has never seen such a thing in all her life shrieks "WHAT'S THAT?"

"WHAT'S WHAT" he responds.

"Ooooh" she said "You had it all this time"

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into Central London
Nothing is moving north or south.
Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What Happened, what's the hold up?'
'Terrorists have kidnapped Gordon Brown, Tony Blair, and Alistair Darling.

They are asking for a £10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with Petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'

'About a gallon’.

Most of that lot are not fit t burn, as we say in Knightsbrige. However, I am now wondering how many you'd get to the gallon.

and just to change the subject (I dont like politics)

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can’t have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren’t getting any milk this morning."

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he’s walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

The English version of that one (almost identdenical) featured a small child who squashed a bee with the newspaper and was denied honey. Then went on to swat a butterfly and was denied butter for the next week.

Dad stood on a cockroach and kid asked mummy if she was going to highlight the issue.

Fly (insect jokes)

1. Man goes into pet shop and asks how much are flies. "We don't sell flies" says shopkeeper.

"Well there are loads in the window" says would-be customer.

2. Question: Where do flies go in the winter? Answer up the chimney!

And why? Because it suits (soots) them.

3. BE WARNED THIS IS A NAUGHTY ONE A little lad asks his dad why, when flies die, do they lie on their back with their feet in the air. Dad explains that even though they are insignificant little insects, they are still God's creatures, and as such retain a place in heaven.

He goes on to say that when the fly dies, Jesus reaches down from on high, grips the fly's outstretched limbs and hoists him heavenwards.

Several days later, as the father is coming up the street after finishing work early, he encounters his heartbroken son.

"What's up?" he asks.

The kid splutters

"It's me mam. She's just nearly died"

"What?" shouts his panic-stricken dad.

"It's true dad. Me mam was lying on the bed with her arms and legs in the air shouting out for Jesus." sobbed the child.

"And if it hadn't been for the milkman struggling to hold her down, she'd have gone up to heaven"



I cleaned that one up slightly. It's one of my favourites and I hope it did't offend anyone.

I think the police will be called now!!Very Good!!

Three crabs on the beach at Southport, Daddy Crab, Mummy Crab and Baby Crab. They are all starving and so Daddy Crab says, "Tell yer what, I will walk along the left side of beach looking for food, Mummy along the right side of the beach and if we find any food we will bring it back here for you baby crab!" So off they go and after ten minutes Daddy Crab finds a sandwich and thinks, 'Sod it, I will eat it meself'. Unbeknown to him, at the same time Mummy crab finds a pie and scoffs that. They meet up back at Baby Crab and when he asks whether they found any food, at first they both deny it. Then Daddy Crab feeling guilty says, "Okay, I have to admit, I found a butty but was that starving I ate it myself!" Mummy Crab feels even more guilty and says, "Well maybe its the Wiganer in me but I found a pie and I could not resist it and so I ate it myself." Baby Crab looks them both up and down and screams, "Well, I think you are both frigging Shellfish!!"

MY MISSUS HAS JUST ASKED ME TO TAKE HER SOMEWHERE EXPENSIVE..! SO I TOOK HER TO A PETROL STATION..!

Phew, my dead fly gag survived!

Apologies again to anyone offended. I didn't mean to push boundaries, but I know that one was close to the extremeties of the not in front of the children act (1969).

Not quite a joke this evening, more of a question:

Whatever happened to all those people who were allergic to the 20th century?

Have their illnesses progressed into the 21st century, or are they now extinct. ie as dead as some doo doos? To quote a comedic philosopher

Piriton has a lot to answer for, and I'm allergic to that!

I've just tried some of that rejuvenating serum. Nearly £50 quid a tub and 'guaranteed to make you look years younger'.

It certainly works, my face is now full of zits. Just like a spotty teenager.

I favver a bee-keeper's apprentice.

Bloke down't street was proper homophobic, until his boyfriend straightened him out????????

I had a chuckle at this one

A passenger sitting in the back of a taxi taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. Suddenly the driver screams, loses control of the vehicle, nearly hits a bus, mounts the pavement, and stops inches from a shop window. For a second, everything is quiet in the cab, then the driver turns round to the passenger and says: "Don't ever do that to me again. You scared the living daylights out of me!" The passenger apologises and says he didn't realise that a little tap could scare someone so much.
The driver replies: "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a taxi driver - for the last 25 years I've been driving a hearse."

What do you call an Irish bloke sat at the side of a swimming pool? Paddy O'Furniture!

Two idiots are going down the street, one digs a hole the second fills it in. They carry on down the street and again one digs a hole and the second fills it in.
A passer by is bemused by this and goes over to the idiots and asks them "What on earth is going on?"
One of the idiots replies saying, "Our mate who plants the trees is off ill today."

Then there was the idiot who sued the local baker for forging his signature on a hot cross bun..

After an accident on a building site when an idiot had his ear chopped off, the doctor tells him not to worry, it could be sewn back on easily.
The idiot says to the doctor "You can't do that that, it's not my ear, mine had a pencil behind it."

From the old song The Martians have landed in Wigan;

A Martian walks into a pub in Wigan and says, "Pint of Bitter please". The Landlord says, "Sorry we dont serve Martians in here." The Martian is looking all perplexed and says, "Look mate, my spaceship leaves in half an hour and its a long journey home and I only want one pint. I will buy you and all your bar staff a drink if I can have one pint of bitter." The landlord again is adamant and tells the martian that Wigan Council have served special notice that no landlord is to serve Martians. The Martian is becomming more and more distressed and says to the landlord, "Look, I will buy you, all your staff and everyone in the pub a drink if I can have just one pint of bitter. " The landlord thinks about this. Sales have been down and he finally agrees to the request. It takes the landlord an hour to pour all the drinks and then he turns to the Martian and says, "That will be £628." The Martian finishes his drink and says, "Thank you..erm...have you got change for a Zok?!"

aitch, your taxi joke was really funny, laughed my head off.

Bloke is reading the For Sale ads in the Wigan Observer and sees an advert that says, "Talking Dog for sale, £50." He drives all the way to Standish (why they were advertising in the wigan evening post I have no idea cos officially its not part of wigan but part of wigan mbc blah blah blah) and knocks on this door. He asks the bloke if its true he has a talking dog and the bloke says, "Aye its in theer lying down in front o' fire." He walks in and sees this beautiful labrador which wakes up and to the blokes surprise it starts to speak, saying, "I cant believe he is selling me. For five years I worked at Heathrow airport on the drugs squad before I became the queens personal watchdog. I was then in the SAS for two years, working with the anti-terrorism branch. After that I went being a showdog and won Crufts three times. I have been awarded the DCM and the VC and it has come to this." The bloke cannot believe it and says to the owner, "Why are you selling a dog like this?" The owner looks down at the dog and then looks at the bloke and says, "Cos he is a frigging lying sod!"

I love this post for 2 reasons the jokes are great (well most of em)and NOBODY can complain because the original poster has said it all in his choice of heading. well done Aitch

None too PC but relates to pubs and money:

A coachload of people on their way home from seeing Blackpool illuminations go into a pub.

Let's just say they are not the sharpest of people and can not be trusted with money. (NO, NOT SCOUSERS, BUT I HOPE YOU GET MY PC DRIFT)

Anyhow, thier 'carer' squares it with the governor and explains that the party, who are on a therapeutic trip, will only purchase soft drinks and will pay with bottle tops. The carer adds that end of that at the whistlestop he will settle-up and exchange the bottletops.

Half an hour later and after a final toilet visit, the party all board the coach and are about to leave.

The landlord runs outside and collars the carer, who is shepherding the gang aboard.

"Hey pal, haven't you forgotten something?" He shouts, as he gives the chap a bag of bottle tops.

"Not at all" the carer replies as he hands over a dustbin lid.

"Keep the change" he shouts as the coach speeds off.

sydneylass I fully agree with your sentiments, but feel that a line has to be drawn somewhere. Don't ask me where!!! To me it's so far, so good and hopfully no offence caused.

The heading does not give anyone carte-blanche. I do know some really nasty ones, as I'm sure others do, which would not appeal to everyone. I hope this is not regarded as nasty joke challenge.

ENOUGH OF THIS PO FACED NONSENSE, BACK TO GOOD OLD CLEAN(ISH) FUN AND FROLLICKS

A Martian goes into a (non specific)pub on
Wigan Lane and orders a pint of mild.

£2.20 says the barman. Martin pays and starts supping, whilst casting one of his many eyes around the pub.

"Not from round here?" asks barman.
"No I'm from Mars" answers Martin.
"We don't get many Martians in here." says innkeep.

"At £2.20 for a pint of mild I'm not bloody surprised." Came the reply.

PS BLOODY IS NOT A SWEAR-WORD ON THE RED PLANET

Anyone for a sexist one?

Why haven't they put a woman on the moon?

It doesn't need cleaning yet



If that's not asking for trouble..........

True dostaf lets hope people are sensible enough to know where to draw the line I'm sure if their not Brian will

How many women does it take to change a lightbulb? Sod it, let em cook in the dark!
How does an Essex girl turn the light off for sex? Shuts the car door
Whats green and eats nuts? Syphillis!
Whats got eighty teeth and holds back a monster? My zip
Whats black and white an unable to fit down corridors? A zebra with a spear through its neck
How do you get a fly out of your bedroom? Dump on the landing
Why wasnt Jesus born in St Helens? They couldnt find three wise men and a virgin!

Done this one before but for those who aint heard it;
A Wigan bloke is walking over the three sisters and sees a bloke cupping his hand and drinking water out of a puddle in a field. He shouts, "Owd Mon, I wouldnt sup out of theer if I was thee. There is cow crap in that theer puddle." The bloke drinking shouts back, "Im sorry, you will have to speak more clearly, I am unable to understand your accent because I am from St Helens." The Wigan bloke shouts back, "I said use both thi hands, tha will get more in!"

There's this drunk guy who decides that he wants to go fishing. He packs up all his tackle and sets out in search of a suitable spot.
Eventually, he stumbles across a huge area of ice and decides that he'll give it a go. Taking out a saw from his tackle box, he starts to saw a whole. Suddenly, a loud voice booms out at him, "There's no fish in here." The drunk looks all around him but can't see anyone. He decides to ignore the voice and carries on sawing.
Again, the voice booms out, "I've told you once, there's no fish in here!" He looks up again but there's still no sign of anyone so he returns to his task.
"Stop it!" shouts the now very angry sounding voice, "You'd better pack up your stuff and get out of here or there'll be trouble."
"Who are you" shouts the drunk guy, "you don't scare me!"
"Look," replies the voice, "I'm the manager of this Ice Rink!"

A TV reporter goes to investigate the tale of a remarkable animal. The animal concerned is a pig who rescued a family from a farm fire.

The farmer and his family all gather round the pig and the camera rolls.

The farmer explains to the reporter that one night, due to an electrical fault, the farmhouse kitchen caught fire as the family slept. Seemingly they were all overcome by smoke. Mam, Dad, four kids and the dog.

Anyway, the pig, being a clever animal, knew all was not well and managed to burst out of the sty, charge at the house and knock the door in.

The porker managed to hold his breath, climb the stairs, defying the smoke and flames and rescue each member of the family in turn. Amazingly he started with the children, then the parents and just before the whole roof collapsed, he made one last rescue attempt and dragged the dog out by the collar.

A neighbour who witnessed this spectacle, said that had the pig not dragged everyone down the farmyard it would have been curtains. Pointing out that when the fire brigade arrived the building had been razed to the ground.

The farmer gently patted the pig on the head with pride and said he deserved a medal.

Noticing that the animal had a wooden leg, the reporter enquired about it.

"Did he loose that leg in the course of his gallant actions?" asked the journo.

"Oh no" replied the farmer "When you've got a pig as good as that fellow, you don't eat him all at once!"



Anyone for smoky bacon, or pork scratchings?

Circus ringmaster goes up to a clown and breaks the bad news that the liontamer has been eaten by one of his star exhibits.

He goes on to say that the clown has drawn the short straw, and must fill the liontamers boots, so to speak, for that evening's show.

This wipes the smile off the clown's face!

"I can't do lions" he says, "don't even like cats".

"Nonesense, there's nowt to it" says ringmaster "it's all a put-on, these animals have all been hand reared, they growl a bit, but it's only showbiz"

"Here's the act:- The lions enter the cage and act up a bit, all you have to do is wave the chair at them and they behave."
"Oh yes" says the clown. "but they don't know me".

"No problem, if that fails crack the whip, that'l show em". Replies ringmaster.

"Easy for you to say" says clown, unconvinced.

"Look, if you're not sure, use whip and chair together." says the boss.

"Oh aye, and what if they get nasty, like they just did with t'other mon?" argues the clown.

"Look here" says ringo, "I shouldn't really tell you this, as it is an old circus secret. But if all else fails, bend down, pick up a handful of s**t and throw it at them. They hate it and will back off. I'ts the liontamers failsafe, sort of a safety net if you like."

"Aaah" says the clown "but what if there is no s**t on the floor?"

"TRUST ME SUNSHINE, THERE WILL BE!"

Replied the voice of experience.

How do you get rid of an unwanted stalker?

Esther Rantzen in a thong does it for me!

Ralph awoke one day to realize that his member had inexplicably been growing larger and staying erect longer with each passing day.

He was delighted, as was his wife.

But after several weeks, his sex organ had grown to nearly 20 inches and Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing and even walking. So, he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the doctor explained that Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.

"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife, "you are planning on lengthening Ralph's legs, aren't you?"

There was a similar case of a Wigan dog which had to have a brass-cap fitted to stop it rubbing away on the floor.

Have you heard it andycapp???????

Yes it comes down our street.

Buggger. Thwaaarted again.

Anyone going to do the London tattoo joke?

It's not London is it?

It's the LUDO tattoo.

Sorry,the blood must have gone from my head.

Esther Rantzen, Esther Rantzen, Esther Rantzen.

Many years ago an old dear was having a family gettogether. As well as salmon paste sandwiches etc. she decided to make a big prater pie (done in a big pot with crust on top).

Anyhow she left the dish full of m&p in the oven overnight on a low light, intending to make and add the crust the next morning.

During the night the house was burgled, B*****ds. Nothing of value was taken except a few shillings off the mantle-piece. However, the disgusting vermin had actually opened the oven and crapped in the pie dish.

Shaken, but not too stirred the old girl went ahead with the do, taking some solace in the fact that her nearest and dearest were around her.

In the evening, after a few egg flips, she eventually confided in the family about what had happened, particularly the nasty oven episode.

"What did you do grandma?" asked one concerned relative.

Tired and emotional she sobbed:

"Well, I had to throw half of it away."

my hubby and i went to australia for a month,while we were there i hand reared a baby snake and a skunk
when it was time to go home we took them to the airport
i said what are we going to do with them?
hubby said i`ll tie the snake round my neck and they`ll think its a tie ,he did this and got through customs
i said what about the skunk , he said stick it down your knickers! i said what about the smell , he replied well if it dies it dies

A man joins the crew of a ship. After a few days he gets restless and asks "What does one do about sex around here?"

The others direct him to a large gun barrel with a hole in it. At first he does not like the idea much but, when he tries it, he finds it surprisingly enjoyable. He has another go the next day, and again the day after.

Then he asks, "Can I do this every day?".
"Yes, every day, except Wednesdays".
"Why not on Wednesdays?"
"Wednesdays is YOUR turn inside the barrel!"

Don't knock it till youve tried it. (though perhaps not the barrel above)

Try it you might like it.

Don't put off 'till tomorrow something you can try today. Because if you try it today and like it, you may be able to do it again tomorrow.

Try anything once, except incest and morris dancing. (perhaps also the aforementioned barrel.)

PS Isn't necrophilia dead boring?

A magician gets work on a cruise ship. All through his act, his parrot is continually letting the audience know how the magician does his tricks, "Its up his sleeve", "Its hidden in his pocket" the parrot would shout. The magician is getting more and more annoyed. One day the ships boilers blow and the ship is sunk. The magician and the parrot manage to survive by clinging to a piece of driftwood. For three days they are on this driftwood, the magician unshaven and starving and the parrot sitting on his shoulder saying nothing. On the third day, the parrot looks at the magician and says, "Okay I give up. Wheres the bloody ship!"

Many years ago, my old uncle who lived in Aspull used to come in from work every evening and be greeted by my aunt. She would have taken the tin bath down from the nail on which it hung in the yard, put it in the parlour and have spent ages boiling up water on the old range and filled the bath for him.

This labour of love culminated in her, somewhat ceremoniously pouring water over his head, washing his hair, and scrubbing his back. All this occurred in front of a flickering fire.

Now the strange thing about this tale, often recounted by other people about many of their ancestors in the Wigan area, is that my old uncle was a Hindley bank manager.

Irish bloke gets a job as a zoo keeper and his first job is to feed the apes. Unfortunately he got the ape feed mixed up with the fish feed and this resulted in the apes getting sick and dying and the fish also dying. To prevent anyone finding out he decided to try and hide his misedemeanour by feeding the dead animals to the lions. The day after, whilst seeing to the beehives, which were full of rare bees, he let his cigarette drop from his mouth and it burned the bee hives to the ground. He fed all of the dead bees to the lions. A couple of days went by and then a new lion was delivered to the zoo. It was walking around finding its bearings when it saw another lion walking towards it. The lion said, "Mmmm, it looks alright here. Whats the grub like." The lion replied, "Not bad.... we had fish, chimps and mushy bees yesterday!"

robber in a bank takes hostages he says to first hostage did you see me rob the bank yes the man says no esitation the robber shoots the man in the head he says to second hostage did you see me rob the bank bloke says no but mi wife did

A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for ten more years and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries, "Watch out for the wall!"

Bloke is walking past a graveyard and he sees a bloke on his knees at the side of a grave, screaming and crying, "Why did you die, Oh why did you die!" The passerby stops to console the bloke and says, "It must have been someone you were very close to." The bloke says, "No it was the wifes ex-hubby!"

Three businessmen were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were: The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought £300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge big enough to Keep it in." The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent £20,000 on a new car," he say's "and she doesn't even know how to drive!" The third, a blonde male, nods sheepishly and agrees that these two women sound like they both walked through the funny farm. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every time I think of it," he chuckles. "My wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bags and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. "She doesn't even have a penis!"

One Cup Final day a massive group of football supporters is approaching Wembley Stadium when a funeral procession slowly goes past. Seeing this, one bloke takes his hat off and stands motionless for a moment before walking on. "That was a nice thing to do," said the man next to him.
"Well," said the bloke, "she was a good wife to me."

Another good thread started by aitch.

Two, two old ladies jokes.

Two old ladies went for a tramp in the woods. Luckily he managed to escape.

A man flashed at two old ladies. One had a stroke, but the other couldn't reach.

Young ladie in her twenties, brought up very strictly starts to go out Saturday nights, comes home one night and says Mum that young man i have been seeing has asked me to marry him. Mum thinking it's about time the daughter was married and away, replies tentatively Oh yes and what does he do for a living then? - He's just retired from the navy, good pension and all that is the reply, Ok says mother but be warned, these sailors have some very peculiar sex habits, let me know if he suggests something unsual, ok mum she says. About six months into the marriage the newly wed bride says to her husband, after all this time why have never suggested having sex a different way ? - What he replies, and fill the ruddy house with kids!

Ooooooooh

Like the lass in question I didn't quite get it at first.

A Wigan couple find that their sex life has gone a bit stale.

Husband comes home from factory and tells his wife that this is not uncommon after several years and that 'the lads' at work all agree.

She hits the roof and says he has no right discussing their private life at work.

He reassures her and says that all 'the lads' agree that a bit of variety will help. He goes on to say that most of his colleagues recommend 'the wheelbarrow' as it seems to have helped many a struggling relationship.

"Wheelbarrow", she shouts. "Perverts more like!".

He explains;

"No, my love. Remember when we were kids?
It's like that.

You lie face-down on the floor, I stand behind you, lift you by the ankles, and you raise yourself up on your arms."

"I remember." she says. "Just like when we were kids?"

"Yes" he replies. "Like we used to do as children".

She has a think about it and eventually gives in.

"Like when we were kids? Sod-it, why not?" She exclaims.

"But only on one condition."

"What's that?" He asks.

"You'll have to promise not to wheel me past me mam's front window."

A Wigan lass goes to the doctor complaining about the sudden appearance of green blotches on each of her inner thighs.

Doc has a look and is baffled. So he sends her to a specialist. Specialist is also baffled.

This being an old joke in a modern age, the specialist photographs the marks on her upper thighs and puts them on thinternet.

Fortunately, a WW member who has been reading this, and other recent threads, sees the pics, figures it out and contacts the specialist, who in turn contacts the girl's GP to resolve the situation.

The quack asks his patient; "Tell me my dear, is your boyfriend by any chance a gypsy?"

Astounded she replies "Yes. How did you know that?"

"Never mind how." Says the Doc.

"Just tell him his earrings aren't made of gold."

A bloke from Wigan was on mastermind. "Name three events in the Olympics starting with the letter t" he was asked.
"Th'urdles, th'igh jump and th'ommer he replied,

How do you(did you circa 1987) double the price of a Skoda?

Fill the tank with petrol.
Cheers lisalee

I hope I dont offend any one with this but I think it is funny

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books, he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."

A young Chinese couple get married.
She's a virgin, and truth be told he's a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten."

"I pomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting - juss anyting you wan, You juss ask. Whatchu wan?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls... numbaa 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her... "You really wanting... Garric Chicken with Corrifrowa?"

A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man bought his wife a £150 see-through nightgown.

Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box downstairs.

Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, "My word, for £150 they could've at least ironed it!"

During WW II a British fighter pilot was shot down over Germany and he was captured by the Nazis.
He was hurt pretty bad, so he the German doctor amputated his arm.
He requested that they drop his arm over his base in England.
So the Germans did.
The next week they amputated his other arm and he asked the same thing.
The Germans complied.
The next week they amputated one of his legs, and he again asked for them to drop it over his base in England.
The German doctor replied, "Nein, ve do dis no more!"

The pilot asked why not, and the German answered, "Ve think you trying to escape!"

During morning assembly at the convent Mother Superior demanded to know if any of the nuns had had any 'contact' with a man. Sister Bernadette raised her hand and admitted that the previous week she had had intimate contact with the candle delivery man and fondled his private parts. Sister Bernadette was ordered to wash the offending hand in the font containing holy water which she did. Then from the ranks sister Mary dashed forward and immediately began drinking from the font.'Sister Mary what do you think you are doing' the Mother Superior barked. 'If you think i'm gargling with this after sister Anne has had her a**e in it..................'

Nothing Changes on Frog Lane!!

In nineteen nought summatorother, a group of lads were walking down Frog Lane after a good night out on the town.
In fact, it was the culmination of a stag do.

As is often the case, one decided to do the 'tightrope-walk' ballancing act along the All Saints (latterley The Deanery) wall. As with many before them, they all joined in to see who could get furthest along. This still goes on today

Unfortunately, the groom-to-be slipped and landed legs akimbo. Proper soprano style, and hurt himself sorely.

His mates carried him to the infirmary to get him sorted.

The Doc said that he had broken his owd lad and even though he was to be wed next morning, there wasn't much he could do, except use splints and bandages.

The injured member was placed in wooden splints and bandaged.

The next day he limped through the ceremony and reception, managing to hide hid discomfort, and then it was off to Mrs Higginbottoms boarding house in Blackpool. (reasonable rates, two bob extra for the cruet)

In the bedroom, his new bride slowly undressed in front of him.

"See these breasts" she said, "no man has ever laid an eye on them". This began arousing him.

She caressed her young body and said "feel my breasts, no man has ever touched them". He had a feel and was further aroused. The swelling actually caused him some pain.

She then pulled down her drawers and said "See this, no man has..."

Before she could say anymore, the pain and pleasure got the better of him.
He dropped his kecks flopped out the bandaged bundle and said;

"That's nothing lass.
See this. This here." (he slapped the package)

"It's never even been out of t'box it came in."

Local jokes, just like mommy used to tell

Why are turds tapered?

So the cheeks of your bum don't slam shut.

Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.
Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!

Policeman: I am sorry to have to tell you this Mr Brown, but you wife has just fallen into the wishing well and drowned.
Mr Brown: It works!

Wife: What do you mean coming home half drunk at this time of night?
Husband: It's not my fault - I ran out of money.

Husband: Let's go out on the town tonight and have some fun.
Wife: Yeah, but if you get home before me, remember to leave the front door open

It first occured to me that our marriage might be in trouble when my wife won an all expenses paid trip for two to Hawaii - and she went twice.


An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife to buy a life insurance policy. "Just imagine if your husband was to die tomorrow," he said. "What would you get?"
"Oh, a Labrador dog, I think," replied the housewife. "They're so well-behaved

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

fatsod ,hguorht semoc siht epoh ginnorm siht darwkcab tib a leef I

One day Rastus and Liza Jane were sitting at the bus stop when Rastus ups and asks, "Liza Jane can I's look up your dress before the bus gets here?"

Liza Jane was startled and said, "No Rastus you cain't!"

Well Rastus persisted and persisted till finally Liza Jane said, "Alright if'n it will shut you up you can."

So Rastus looks up her dress and sees that see has no panties on to which he exclaims, "Sho is a wonder!"

Well the bus shows up and they gets on.

Next day, Rastus and Liza Jane are sitting there again when Rastus ups and asks her, "Liza Jane, can I look up your dress again?" Well Liza Jane at first refused, but as the day before she then gave in. So Rastus looks up there and seeing no panties he exclaims, again, "Sho is a wonder!"

Well this goes on for a few days when on the last day that Liza Jane would permit Rastus to look up her dress she tells him, "Rastus you can look up my dress but you have to tell me one thing?"

Rastus replies, "What's that?"

"Every time you look up my dress you says, "Sho is a wonder. Sho is a wonder what?"

To which Rastus replies, "Sho is a wonder your guts don't fall out!!"

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, "What's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "He's a midget!"

Nice one aitch

How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer........none it should already be open when she brings it in.

paddy phones for ambulanceas his mate's been hit by a car.Operatorasks where the accident is.he says outside Eucalyptus rd.He's asked; how do you spell that?The line goes quiet for 5 minutes,operator gets a bit worried.Then Paddy says sorry about that.I've just dragged him back to number 3 Oak st.

got a ridle a man is in a room the room has no windoors or a door how did he get in



try and think about it before cheeting






















































he walked in though the space wer the door should be if u dont get it tell me y n i try explane it
by mr ridle

I would have said Father Christmas and chimney.

lol

Well you never said there was no chimney or fireplace.

And I didn't peep.

fink it hard or funnyin a sad way

One for you 123patch.
What holds bricks together?

morta

sand cerment n a bit on water

Aha. Doesn't cement or mortar actually keep the bricks apart?

Ok it's an owd un. but I like it.

av u cheeeted yet

Yes

After no dates or sex for 5 years a woman goes to see chinese expert sex therapist Dr Chang.He says "take off all your croase,get down & craw reery reery fas to other side room"she does,"ok craw reery reery fas bac".As she did Dr Chang shook his head. Yr probrem vewy vewy bad.worse case of Ed Zachary disease I ever sar ,da why you get no man.She says "God what's Ed Zachary disease,Dr says "its when your face look Ed Zachery like your arse

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian's. One of
the dogs was hanging its head and sighing. The second dog turned to him
and asked "What are you in here for, buddy?" The dog looked depressed,
"I'm in big trouble", he said, "My owner has a really nice sports car with
leather seats. I just love to go for rides in it. Well, the other day, he
took me for a ride and I was so excited, I pee'd on the nice leather seat.
Now he's having me put to sleep."

"I know how you feel", said the second dog. "My owners have a beautiful,
expensive oriental rug. The other day they were late getting home from
work and I just couldn't help myself...I shit all over their nice carpet
and ruined it. They're having me put to sleep, too."

Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room. "So what are you
here for?" they asked. "Well," said the third dog, "my owner likes to do
her housework in the nude. The other day, she was vacuuming and she knelt
down to vacuum under the sofa, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped
on her back and had the ride of my life!"

The other dogs nodded in sympathy, "So she's having you put to sleep, too,
huh?" "No," said the dog, "I'm having my nails clipped."

Old mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get the poor doggy a bone. When she bent over old rover took over and gave her a bone of his own.

My mate is so tight..............last week he got arrested for bestiallity with a cat and the judge let him go as it was the first time he'd ever put anything in the kitty.

Dog is walking round a job centre when the manager runs out and tries to shoo it out the door. The dog looks up and says, "Hold on mate, am lookin for a bloody job!" Obviously the manager cant believe it and runs into his office to phone the circus and tell them he has found a talking dog. Two minutes later, he comes out of the office and says to the dog, "Dont go anywhere, I have found you a job at Billy Smarts circus." The dog looks puzzled and replies, "Billy Smarts circus? What do they want with a plumber?!"

Skinny Dippers and a Smart Old Man
An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

lol soulie.

Try this one sailor
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

Enoch Powell (this is obviously a new one)
arrives at the pearly gates.

A big voice booms out "Who Dat"?

"Oh forget it" Repiles Enoch.

I do love these blonde jokes dont you dostaf

A blonde and a redhead were sitting together having drinks, when the blonde noticed a man walking towards them with an arm full of long stem red roses. The blonde says to the redhead, "isn't that your husband coming carrying all those roses?"

The redhead says, yes it is.

The blonde responds by saying, "Oh you are so lucky".

The redhead says, "No I'm not. All that means is that I have to spend the whole week-end flat on my back, with my legs in the air and spread apart."

The blonde says, "Oh my, don't you have a vase to put them in"?

Blonde is really a catchall term, like a legal loophole.
Speaking of which, I've just had a vision of a light-haired legal secretary.

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making
dinner.
Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to
tell
her mother what she wanted. 'Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.'
Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into
trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she
thought she
deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course,
thought she did.
Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her
behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him
why she
deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps
to her room
and sat down to write God a letter.
LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for
my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Carol
Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this
year, so she tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this
year, and I Would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol
Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and
started
again.

LETTER 3:
Dear God:
I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will
be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol
Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her
a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her
mother she
wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked
because Carol looked very sad.
'Just be home in time for dinner,' her mother said.
Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She
looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of
the
Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church,
down the
street, into her house, and up to her room She shut the door and sat
down and wrote
her letter to God.

LETTER 4:
I GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO

Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!

He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.
'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Immediately, there was the answer.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,
'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.



The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read.....Look down I dare you


NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!
hehehe

aitch, I think its better to carry on with this joke site, I was feeling a bit down today,. until i read these jokes as usual I'm took double laughing they have certainly put a very big smile on my face this sight is excellent for anyone that's feeling down in the dumps

CONFESSION

Confession is good for the soul and.....

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Montecassino went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panelin the confessional the man said, "Father...
dring World War 11, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neibourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the nazis."

The priest replied, "Thatwas a wonderful thing you did my son! And you have no need to confess that.

"There is more to tell, Father.
She started to repay me with sexual favours.
This happened several times a week,and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "By doing that,you placed yourselves in great danger. However ,two people under those circumstances can easely succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However , if you are truly sorry for your actions,you are indeed forgiven.

"Thank you, father. That's a great load off my mind.

"And why is that my son?"asked the oriest.

"Should I tell her the War is over?"

Soulie's comment has prompted me to resurrect this antiquity

The Lone Ranger is pushing a wheelie bin along a trail, when he meets Tonto.

"How (do) Kimosabe", says Tonto. "Where are you off to this fine morning"? The Lone Ranger replies. (singing to the L R theme tune, alltogether now)

"To the dump. To the dump. To the dump dump dump.

To the dump. To the dump. To the dump dump dump."

etc.etc.


Weeeel, at least I gave it a new twist by putting a wheelie bin in it.

I see he's leving Friday.

Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

Birthday Present
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

HEHEHE

Dead Pussy
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

Wittle Wabbit
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself, "I'm in trouble."
There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice booms out: "No you are NOT in trouble. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief."
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceedes to bash in the head of the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body. Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces.
The voice booms out again: "Okay.......NOW you're in trouble!"

Almost Perfect Life
An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter.

The old man says, "I'm a multimillionare, I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell who satisfies me every night in bed whether I like it or not (sob)."

The young jogger says, "Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?"

The old man says, "I can't remember where I live."

FEMALE COMPASSION

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.He had no arms and no legs.

Three woman were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said,"Have you ever had a hug?" The man said `No`,so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, `No`, so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third beautiful woman came up to him and said, "Have you ever been F***ed?.

The fellow said `No`,
She said, "You will be when the tide comes in.

Veteran

Glad to be drunk
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled." hehehe

Did you hear about the blonde that...
Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"

Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.

When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".

Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

Got Pee
A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox. The little boy has to go for a pee and he was told by his mother to always be polite and don't talk about private matters in public.
At first he holds it in for a little while because he does not know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself.
Then he remembers what his mom has said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So he turns to the little girl and says,"Will you excuse me I have to go and powder my nose." and saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom.

When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks "Did you powder your nose?". `Yes` said, the little boy stepping back into the sandbox"

"Well then" says the little girl,
"You'd better close your purse because your lipstick is hanging out".

Veteran

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when
suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the
Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I
will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over anytime I want.'
The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching
the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It
will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is
hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little
more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'
The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand
women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking
when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she
says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help,
and how I can make a Woman truly happy.'
The Lord replied, 'You want two or four lanes on that bridge?'

Two coppers sat in a panda car outside "The royal Oak" waiting for drink drivers to get into their cars...When at 11.30 this fellow comes out of the pub staggering and zig zagging,heading towards his car...The coppers decide imediately that this is the one that they are going to pull...In the meantime, all the other revellers have gotten into their cars and left, and the staggering man is the only person left...The coppers get out of the car and approach the man, having dropped his car keys several times..."Good evening sir!", says the copper,"Do you know why we have approached you?"..."No!", says the man in a very sober sounding tone of voice..."The copper says, " Can i take your name sir!", "certainly!", came the reply..."Now sir!, can you tell me your occupation?"..."Certainly officer!"...

YOU'LL LIKE THIS!...


"Im a professional decoy!"...

This clergyman was walking through his churchyard when he heard a little voice calling to him. After a while, he saw that it was a frog.

The frog explained that he was in fact a choirboy who had been turned into a frog by an evil witch. The only way the spell could be reversed would be if the frog could spend the night in a clergyman's
bed. Being a caring soul, our cleric allowed the frog to sleep with him that night.

Sure enoough, the following morning the cleric awoke to see a handsome young chorister beside him.

And that concludes the case for the defence M'lud.

Range Eggs can't be much good as every farm I see is giving them away free !

Don't be silly. They're obviously campaign posters.

Then again, the eggs in question could be proper bad eggs who have been locked away from society. In which case you're spot on and they can't be much good.

a tommy cooper classic, mr jones goes into the doctor, the doctor says, "hello mr jones, i haven;t seen you in a while" mr jones replies " well i have been ill doctor".

A country doctor went way out to the wilds to deliver a baby.

It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.

The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.

"Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"

Eggs are still coming down.
The chickens are relieved.

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another one!"

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful voluptuous young woman at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000' the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.' The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Come Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account.' 'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.

He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the sh*t out of a ghost."

A "wassuck" joke for speaky.

During a sermon about the perils of the demon drink, a hell-fire and brimstone priest produces a glass of whisky, a glass of water and a worm.

First he drops the worm into the water for a few seconds, retrieves it and holds it up to the congregation. "See", he shouts "the creature is alive and wriggling".

Next, he drops it into the whisky, retrieves it and holds it's lifeless body up.

"See it's dead. DEAD, DEAD, DEAD."

"Now what does that tell you?" he asks the shocked congregation.

A little voice from the back shouts;

"If you drink whisky, you won't get worms."

This one is for Frank Walford if he is looking in, seeing as how he likes westerns

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.

He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don't want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"

For some reason that reminds me of this.

A woman is relating the tale of how her husband went missing, never to be seen again, to a friend.:-

"It was on a Friday, tea-time, I'd sent him to the chippy at around six o clock.

Well, it gets to ten o clock and I wondered if something had happened"

"What did you do?" Asks the friend.

"I opened a tin of salmon" came the reply.

Good one Dostaf, heres another blonde one

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

Michael and Seamus bought a horse each,but they were having trouble telling the animals apart.One day Michael had an idea.I'll nick the ear of my one and then we'll know which is which.This method of identification worked well for a few days,but then the other horse fell and cut his ear.Seamus said Look I'll put a scratch on my horses foot,then we'll have no trouble.Again all went well for a while,but then the other horse gashed his foot on a bramble and they were back to square one.Finally,Michael's patience ran out.Listen,he said,I'm fed up of this crack.You take the white one and I'll have the black one,Okay?

An Irishman walks out of a pub, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you lad?"
"Yesh, Shombody shtole me car!", the Irishman replies.

The cop asks, "Well now, where was your car last time you saw it?"
"It was at the end of this key."

About this time the cop looks down to see that the Irishman's member is being exhibited for all to see. He then asks, "Are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

The Irishman looks down woefully and moans "OOH GOD... they got me girl too!"

2 parrots standing on a perch, one says to the other `can you smell fish ?`

A cop pulls up two drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?"
"I'm Michael Day, of no fixed address."
The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question.
"I'm Billy White, and I live in the flat above Michael."

Paddy and Mick are trying o measure the height of a flagpole and couldn't figure out how to manage it when a bloke asks what their problem is,
Mick tell's him their dilema, so the bloke unbolts the flagpole and lays it down on the grass and say's "there you are guys" then he leaves them to it
Paddy turns to mick and says " What a bl**dy idiot, we wanted to measure the height not the damn length"

A terrorist runs into a pet shop and puts a bomb on the counter screaming, "You've all got one minute to get out before this detonates!!!"

A tortoise at the back of the shop shouts " you T**T!!!


A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs one morning when the 7 year old sez, "i reckon its about time we started swearin. I'll tell you what, I'll go first and then its your turn".
"OK" sez the 4 year old and they both went down to breakfast.
Mum comes from the kitchen and asks "What do you both want for breakfast?" The 7 year old sez "I'll have cocopops bitch!"
THWACK! he flew out of his chair as his mother belted him round the head. Mum looked at the 4 year old and said sternly, "And what do you want for breakfast" At this the lad started blubbering and replied I dont know now, but it wont be f***ing cocopops!!!

Mick formed a dance band and they were working their first gig at the local hall. Mick was very excited about it all and said to the trombone player, "Stuart.. go outside and listen to what it sounds like." The trombone player went out and after a while came back ecstatic. "It's great!!" he exclaimed, "you should hear it." So the whole band went outside to listen...

Paul that joke was dead funnycocopops in deed

Does anyone want to buy a 48 inch plasma screen TV for a hundred quid? The volume button doesn't work but hey, for that price you cant turn it down!

An older topical one to follow...

When an Austrian father was asked how he went about teaching his children about sex education he said he thought it was important to keep them in the dark for as long as possible!

I think its about time we reserected the joke channel, so heres one I heard earlier.

Murphy lay in hospital covered in bandages head to foot - with just two little slits for his eyes.

'What happened to you?' asked Cassidy.

'I staggered out of the pub and a lorry hit me a glancing blow and knocked me through a plate glass window.'

'Begod,' said Cassidy. 'It's a good job you were wearing those bandages or you'd have been cut to ribbons!'

I used to be into bondadge, necrophillia and beastiallity, i gave it up when i realised i was flogging a dead horse.

welcome back the joke channel

And the bride said to her new husband,"will you love me when I get old" and he said "get hold and I'll tell you"................just a bit cheeky....

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune. "One British soldier is better than ten Taliban".

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out "One Brit is better than one hundred Taliban".

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The Britsh voice calls out again "One Brit is better than one thousand Taliban".

The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.

Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, its a trap. There's two of them."

And on our wedding night ,the wife took one look at me in the all together and said "who do you think you are going to satisfy with that?" to which I replied "ME you soft sod"........just a bit more cheeky.....

I am a female in my mid 60's and I am looking for a room mate. Times are tight and I need some extra money.
I am willing to rent out my bathroom in my 1 bedroom east village home.

My bathroom is large. You can easily put a twin air mattress in there. I only ask that when I need to use the bathroom, you or your air mattress are not in it.

I do ask that when you are in the apartment, you confine yourself to the bathroom. I do not feel comfortable with a stranger walking around my living room. This might change as I get to know you better.
You may have guest over as long as they are cnfined to the bathroom as well. This might seem a bit odd but please remember the rent is $400 and the bathroom is large.