Twaddle
I was watching Top Gear and thought to myself, 'That Stigs done alright for himself since he left the dump'.
Started: 18th Jul 2011 at 18:13
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 19th Jul 2011 at 08:44:46
My neighbour has just accused me of stalking her
... if my lipreading is accurate.
Replied: 18th Jul 2011 at 18:14
Paddy told the wife he was getting a burning sensation in his anus and didnt know what it was.
she said 'ring sting?'
Paddy said' what the heck will he know?'
Replied: 18th Jul 2011 at 18:15
I'm a bit worried about the Mrs, she's been walking around the house shouting "Baggy trousers!" all morning.
I think it's Madness.
Replied: 18th Jul 2011 at 18:18
Found my first grey pubic hair on Saturday, did not phase or scare me, unlike everyone else on the escalator!!
Replied: 18th Jul 2011 at 18:32
Middle age texting codes:
ATD -at the doctor.
BFF -best friend fell.
BTW -bring the wheelchair.
BYOT -bring your own teeth.
FWIW -forgot where I was.
GGPBL -gotta go, pacemaker battery low.
GHA -got heartburn again.
IMHO -is my hearing aid on?
LMDO -laughing my dentures out.
OMMR -on my massage recliner.
ROFLACGU -rolling on floor laughing and can't get up.
TTYL -talk to you louder.
Replied: 18th Jul 2011 at 18:36
Twaddle is it?
Damned Coolie nicked my idea. 
Replied: 18th Jul 2011 at 20:08
I did not!
I decided to make use of this desert amongs the oases is all.
Replied: 18th Jul 2011 at 20:12
Though I suppose that ^^^^^ is not really true.
My idea was to expose the fellow as the scoundrel that he is.
Getting his jokes from a naughty site. 
No wonder...etc... 
Replied: 18th Jul 2011 at 20:12
I'll never forget my ex-girlfriend. After a brief chat I knew she was the one for me. Stunning figure, flowing blonde hair. We moved in together shortly after meeting. She was everything to me. I was constantly telling her that we should get married & have a family of our own.
So here I am. 6 years later, out on parole.
Replied: 18th Jul 2011 at 20:14
I got a new deodorant today.
The instructions said to remove the cap and push up bottom.
Replied: 18th Jul 2011 at 20:20
"Come out. Come out. Wherever you are"
That was me typing a Basil quote. Not a stalker's typing.
Replied: 18th Jul 2011 at 20:29
Last edited by dustaf: 18th Jul 2011 at 20:30:51
I guessed. The clue is the stalker wouldn't be able to spell any of the the above words.
Replied: 18th Jul 2011 at 20:34
Mind...I have a stalker.
Everywhere I go, she's always there, 10 paces ahead of me...
Replied: 18th Jul 2011 at 20:36
You should write a diary in here. But quietly. 
Don't be thumping away at the keyboard too violently.
Replied: 18th Jul 2011 at 20:38
Replied: 18th Jul 2011 at 20:41
Dear Deirdrie:
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I
have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although
when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work,
you don't know them."
I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I
usually fall asleep.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep
down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out
again and I decided to really check on her.
Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so
I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home
from a night out with "the girls". When she got out of the car she
was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties
out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that
the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right
by the club head.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro
golf shop where I bought it?
Signed,
Perplexed
Replied: 18th Jul 2011 at 20:42
Do the one about the car breaking down.
Replied: 18th Jul 2011 at 20:43
Is it in the book you gave me a loan of?
Dear Deirdrie
I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London and one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton, is married to a guy from Cardiff. My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in Wandsworth on remand centre on charges of incest with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancé utilising her knowledge of the industry working as the manager.
I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin. My problem is this: I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.
Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being Welsh?
Replied: 18th Jul 2011 at 20:46
I did find this (Very old gem) in your book;
Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike Reid is dead??!!!"
"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"
"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!"
"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."
"What a way to go, that's terrible!"
"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."
"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"
"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."
"Man, what a way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."
"Now that is one awful way to go!"
"No no, he survived that..."
"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"
"I shot him!"
"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"
"He was wrecking my house."
Replied: 18th Jul 2011 at 20:49
I wanted the one about 'Why men are not agony aunts'.
Possibly a fuel mix reply.
Anyroad, you'd better hope someone else drops into this speakeasy, lest Tonker has a pop at us.
Replied: 18th Jul 2011 at 20:50
Last edited by dustaf: 18th Jul 2011 at 20:52:38
Can't find the thread where Tonker calls you and Joseph 'Philistines'.
Replied: 18th Jul 2011 at 20:54
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 18th Jul 2011 at 20:55:03
I don't recall that one.
Anyroad there's a new comedy thing about to start.
'Show Me The Funny'
J Manford presenting. But I'll give it a watch. 
Replied: 18th Jul 2011 at 20:56
Replied: 19th Jul 2011 at 08:00
Oh, I watched, 'Show us the funny'. Should have been called, 'Show us the unfunny'.
Hope it improves. Well, it can't, alan davies is on it.
Replied: 19th Jul 2011 at 08:14
On a forum I frequent, someone has added the sub-category "Pretentious buffoons".
I am puzzled to see this, and thus have embarked on a ruminative epoch to ascertain if this reflects some kind of metaphysical allegory of the existential hyponym.
Replied: 19th Jul 2011 at 12:15
Psssst. Coolie:
Knock knock.
Replied: 19th Jul 2011 at 14:08
Eh? 
It is me. The name at the top of the post is a clue.
Are you in?
Replied: 19th Jul 2011 at 15:19
Just gone out for some lunch, I left the lights on though.
Replied: 19th Jul 2011 at 15:25
Yon stalker will be calling in on you. He'll sit on the doorstep and taunt you through the letterbox.
Anyroad. I see you weren't impressed by that show.
I hadn't realised that Davies was also on it. Him, combined with 'Tarby', would probably have put me off.
It was cringeworthy stuff, but I was impressed by the lady who was praised.
I expected her to be a waste of space, but she seemed to have her own style.
Looks like Bob Mortimer is a judge next week. I enjoyed his Judge Nutmeg character.
Message ends.
Replied: 19th Jul 2011 at 15:33
Davies will still be on it. Apparently, he used to do stand up. Not surprised he sat down.
Replied: 19th Jul 2011 at 15:36
I paid three grand for my wife to have a boob job - she was happy.
I paid four grand for her to have a nose job - she was delighted.
I treat myself to a £30 'happy ending' at the local brothel - and she goes mad
Replied: 19th Jul 2011 at 15:36
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 19th Jul 2011 at 15:38:45
I was surprised that Davies was a stand up too.
The police have been saying for a while now that their funding has been cut.
And it really has now The News of The World has closed.
Replied: 19th Jul 2011 at 15:40
Deleted. Too awful for yer actual viewing.
I just sent the wife a text message saying, 'I love U'
"Awww, really x,'' she replied.
"Definitely babe, it's my second favorite vowel!"
Replied: 19th Jul 2011 at 15:50
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 19th Jul 2011 at 16:33:55
Don't bother fixing it.
Got into a bar fight last night and came home with 2 teeth missing, a broken jaw, two black eyes and broken ribs; you should see the state of the other lad though...
His knuckles are badly damaged!
Replied: 19th Jul 2011 at 16:13
I stole a leg of lamb from asdas today, I thought i had gotten away with it but as I got to the exit and a security gaurd shouted "Oi, what do think doing with that leg of lamb!!!"
I replied "peas, carrots, potatoes and a onion gravy you nosey parker
Replied: 19th Jul 2011 at 16:25
That last one hasn't aged well. Unilke the lamb, which is rather tasty.
My viagra didn't get delievered in the post this morning.
I was angry, but no hard feelings.
Replied: 19th Jul 2011 at 16:34
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 19th Jul 2011 at 16:38:31
ponderance: If The Jeremy Kyle Show gets cancelled would that create beautiful irony as he strolls up to the benefits office?
Replied: 19th Jul 2011 at 16:39
I've just found out I'm the highest ranking employee at New Scotland Yard.
Not bad for a canteen manager.
Replied: 19th Jul 2011 at 16:43
When you say Manager, you manage to wipe the tables?
I like the one about the Womans private parts whistling because she has thrush.
Replied: 19th Jul 2011 at 16:53
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 19th Jul 2011 at 16:55:02
Rupert Murdoch custard pied!
I'm surprised he could hack that.
Replied: 19th Jul 2011 at 17:12
BBC News: Two pedestrians die in collision.
how fast must they have been walking?
Replied: 19th Jul 2011 at 17:19
My neighbour just confronted me about items going missing from her washing line............................................
I nearly Poo'd her pants!
Replied: 19th Jul 2011 at 19:11
I nearly put that one on the 'Washing line thread'.
Do the one about the little lad flicking his wotsit. 
Replied: 19th Jul 2011 at 19:18
No, that's your juristiction...
I heard about a Robbery earlier, some blokes burst into a shop and attacked the staff with stringed instruments before fleeing with money from the tills.
The men were later caught and have been charged with robbery with violins.
Replied: 19th Jul 2011 at 19:21
A friend of mine suddenly announced she had been taking Judo lessons.
Totally threw me.
Replied: 19th Jul 2011 at 20:10
Me: What's that smell?
Wife: I can't smell anything.
Me: Neither can I, Get that sodding cooker on.
Replied: 19th Jul 2011 at 22:18
I met my Mrs. at a lemonade factory, I Schwepped her off her feet.
Replied: 20th Jul 2011 at 08:00
I phoned my wife from the hospital and said "don't worry but I've had an accident in work and I've sliced my finger off"
She said " Oh no, have you cut your whole finger off?"
I said "No it's the one next to it"
Replied: 20th Jul 2011 at 12:14
Lollipop ladies make me cross!
Replied: 20th Jul 2011 at 12:14
Who are you, Leslie Philips already?
Replied: 20th Jul 2011 at 14:25
No. I'm wearing an Avon Lady's uniform to avoid suspicion.
Just wondered how you were doing.
I may have inadvertently bubbled you on another thread. But I see your stalker seems to have relaxed.
Replied: 20th Jul 2011 at 14:35
he hasn't, he is saving up for more internet time.
Clumsy kids are 4 times more likely to become obese. It's because they keep on walking into things.
Like McDonalds.
Replied: 20th Jul 2011 at 15:49
Replied: 20th Jul 2011 at 15:53
Pah!....should have got davies up at the end, to get the audience out faster.
Replied: 20th Jul 2011 at 15:59
He (Manford) said: "I was basically the warm-up man before the proper comics. I could have given it the whole ego thing, got the agent to ring them, say, 'Why didn't you put some of my jokes on?'. But it's not about me."
If he isn't a proper comic, what does that make Davies?
Replied: 20th Jul 2011 at 16:01
He's certainly had me hovering over the off button when watching QI.
Replied: 20th Jul 2011 at 16:16
Dave schedule
17:00-18:00-Top Gear: Popular motoring show. A GPS special. Will this futuristic new device change the way we drive? Bernard Manning is the star in the new reasonably price car (a DeLorean DMC 12).
18:00-19:00-Dragons' Den-Entrepreneurs pitch their new inventions. One pitches an idea where you can use a porcelain pot to defecate into rather than throwing it out the window.
19:00-19:30-The Gadget Show-The team review the newest gadgets on the market. This week phones you can carry around?
19:30-20:00-Seaside Rescue-Coastguards are on a mission to find survivors of the tragic Titanic sinking
20:00-21:00-Traffic Cops hour long special-The Traffic Cops are called to an accident in a tunnel in Paris.
21:00-21:40-Mock the Week-Dara O' Briain presents this hilarious panel show. Jokes galore as the first female British Prime Minister is elected.
21:40-22:20-Nevermind the Buzzcocks-Elvis and Ringo Starr are guests on the comedy pop quiz.
22:20-23:00-QI-Stephen Fry hosts another edition of the clever panel show. The highlight is Alan Davies thinking the world is round and dragons do not exist.
Replied: 20th Jul 2011 at 16:45
I was watching a TV show about Alan Davies getting arthritis.
Jonathan Creak
Replied: 20th Jul 2011 at 16:46
Dave - 'The home of witty banter'
To quote Tonker
Replied: 20th Jul 2011 at 16:54
Last edited by dustaf: 20th Jul 2011 at 16:55:31
BBC three is the home of Comedy for me.. Some amusing little pieces on there. Anyhoo, enough of this serious claptrap...back to the mindless nonsense people are leaving in scores for...
Some swine just pinched a pair of my ex- wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back
Replied: 20th Jul 2011 at 17:25
Steff got a phone call from a girl, she said "come over, nobody is home".
He went over, no one was home!
Replied: 21st Jul 2011 at 08:15
My girlfriend has got it into her head that she wants buttock implants,
So after browsing the catalogue she has decided on a medium price sporty looking number...
Added ass.
Replied: 21st Jul 2011 at 11:04
Come in, the waters fine.... The pipes have burst..
Replied: 21st Jul 2011 at 14:10
Why did the nun refuse pilchards at breakfast?
Because she didn't like them.
Replied: 21st Jul 2011 at 14:17
Afternoon.
I did worry in case that tapping scared you. It was typed in the style of someone tapping at the window to get your attention.
I was using Windows to type it actually.
I was concerned that you may think it was Blind Pugh hanging around waitiing to give you the black spot.
If he does pass it onto you, see the Mester. He knows a 'Clerk'.
Replied: 21st Jul 2011 at 14:19
I thought it was a pigeon in all honesty. Have you eaten lunch?...You eat like a sparrow I heard. Pecking at your food.
Replied: 21st Jul 2011 at 14:21
Ok...Just got back from the world potato eating championships, which were held in Mullingar this Year. The winner got a potato clock. The rest got up at nine.
Replied: 21st Jul 2011 at 14:36
I discovered the pedants comment regarding you and Joseph on the 'Nice place for a walk thread'
Posted by: tonker (10742)
Dear Cowpat,
I posted a link on 'general' for your perusal, however it's become sabotaged by the Philistines!
So, here it is again
Replied: 16th Jul 2011 at 13:24
Posted by: the_gwim_weaper (22042)
Oooo...What was the thread called, I will away and smite said philistines with the ass bone of a Jew on your behalf.
Replied: 16th Jul 2011 at 19:09
Replied: 21st Jul 2011 at 15:58
Was the scoundrel referring to this?
If so, the tandem myself and the Mester Shared involved his own sarcasm about ringing the farm under the water up.
That is an actual farm, not a Wetherspoons pub in downtown Poolstock borderland.
Replied: 21st Jul 2011 at 16:12
Atually, it was someone else's little gem.
Posted by: andee (78)
y'know alan may be right in his thinking - he say scotchman's flash - this may be a different flash - seriously tho' - find the farmer's name, phone him up and watch for any bubbles coming to the surface, you never know he may be waiting for the rain to stop
Replied: 26th Jan 2008 at 21:35
Replied: 21st Jul 2011 at 16:25
Telling tales on that nice Mr. Weaper again, I see.
Replied: 21st Jul 2011 at 16:29
Go to youtube and type 'xmas gift'. It's VERY rude, but may see you through these lean times.
Replied: 21st Jul 2011 at 20:15
I was about to go and meet my mates in the pub when my girlfriend appeared, naked, and said, "Are you sure you want to go out? I'll let you ride me like a cowboy if you want..."
I smiled and said, "That sounds good to me. I'm gonna go to town on you..."
She was absolutely exhausted afterwards, but I saved twenty quid on a taxi.
Replied: 22nd Jul 2011 at 08:07
I played snooker with my brother last night...
Took him hours to get the chalk off his head!
Replied: 22nd Jul 2011 at 19:48
If the answer is 13:40, then what, pray tell, is the question?
Replied: 23rd Jul 2011 at 10:12
Possibly something to do with a superhero's sidekick's bottom.
No wonder.....etc..
Replied: 23rd Jul 2011 at 16:07
The dreaded 27 club has struck again.
Brian Jones, Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain, Janis Joplin, Amy Whitehouse
How old are Jedward now?
Replied: 24th Jul 2011 at 21:41
My mate can't stop talking about Matt Damon.
He's been a fan since he was bourne.
Replied: 25th Jul 2011 at 06:57
"What do we want?"
"A cure for Tourettes"
"When do we want it?"
"*****!"
Replied: 25th Jul 2011 at 06:58
Oh yes. (Said in a slobbery dog stylee)
Replied: 25th Jul 2011 at 15:18
How Dare you!
I was merely sponging any excess off!
Replied: 25th Jul 2011 at 16:22
Please God, let me have been wearing clothin during his 'imaginings'.
Replied: 25th Jul 2011 at 17:09
"what do we want?"
"A cure for OCD!"
"when do we want it?"
"16 days 5 hours and 23 minutes."
Replied: 25th Jul 2011 at 17:12
I just found this woman, who is wearing a bowler
Also one of Lucy Pinder scrubbing a floor. But that's a bit near.
Replied: 25th Jul 2011 at 17:17
A man walked into a tattoo shop.
"Good afternoon sir, what can we do for you?"
"Well, I'm really passionate about my home town, and want something done on my knuckles, you know?"
"No problem sir, what did you want exactly?"
L-E-I-G-H. C_E on this hand, and N-T-U-R-I-O-N on this one."
Replied: 25th Jul 2011 at 17:21
"What do we want?"
"A cure for dyslexia."
"When do we want it?"
"Own."
Replied: 25th Jul 2011 at 17:54
I would have used that, if only it wasn't so poor...
Replied: 25th Jul 2011 at 18:00
"What do we want?"
"Some more spliffs."
"When do we want them?"
"Atfer this box of chocolates, and a couple of bags of crisps."
(Find that one on there)
Replied: 25th Jul 2011 at 18:01
Do the ADHD one. That's worse than the dyslexic one.
Replied: 25th Jul 2011 at 18:20
No, I want you to make one up..It's easy if you try...
Replied: 25th Jul 2011 at 18:24
"What do we want?"
"A TARDIS"
"When do we want it?"
"A week last Thursday"
Replied: 25th Jul 2011 at 18:29
"What do we want?"
"A club for procrastinators"
"When do we want it?"
"Anytime really, no rush"
Replied: 25th Jul 2011 at 18:32
someone asked me in a pub the other day what i knew about midgets?
i replied "very little"
Replied: 25th Jul 2011 at 18:42
BBC News: "Man Hurt in Portaloo Explosion".
He is recovering from turd degree burns.
Replied: 26th Jul 2011 at 07:57
"What do we want?"
"A cure for amnesia!"
"when do we want it?"
"Who are you?"
Replied: 26th Jul 2011 at 07:58
"What do we want?"
"A cure for narcolepcy!"
"when do we want it?"
"ZZZZZ"
Replied: 26th Jul 2011 at 08:00
I asked the Mrs. if the indicators on my bike trailer were working last eve, she said, 'No, yes, no, yes, no, yes....'.
Replied: 26th Jul 2011 at 08:04
'What do we want??'
'Apathy!'
'When do we want it?'
'Oh, you know, whenever...'
Replied: 26th Jul 2011 at 09:17
Did you see last night's edition of Show Me The Funny?
The 'impressionist' fell flat again and got booted.
I was distracted somewhat by Bob Mortimer's (guest judge)voice. Sounded like he'd got a thick lip.
Which is what one of the clever dickies should have received.
Replied: 26th Jul 2011 at 14:16
I didn't watch it I'm afraid. went out a-gallivanting...I can only presume no one actually showed them any 'funny'.
Is it true you were chased from the park last eve after saying to a female as she was walking past your prostrate form, 'I'm trying to see Uranus'?
Replied: 26th Jul 2011 at 15:03
It's worth a look. One of them made a riht pratt of himself. The girl who 'won' last week looked good again. Though they only played a short part of her set. the Welsh lad did very well, but they hardly featured the Copper.
So far my money is on the girl I mentioned (not the blonde0, the Welshman and the Cop.
To answer your question:
No!
I was looking for Daubenton's
Replied: 26th Jul 2011 at 15:33
'What do we want??'
'Apathy!'
'When do we want it?'
'Oh, you know, whenever...'
Replied: 26th Jul 2011 at 15:55
'What do we want??'
'COMPROMISE'
'When do we want it?'
'What time is good for you?'
Replied: 26th Jul 2011 at 15:56
"What do we want??"
"Jokes that make sense"
"When do we want it?"
"To get to the other side"
Replied: 26th Jul 2011 at 15:56
News: Marriage break ups blamed on eastern European prostitutes offering sex for next to nothing.
Bleedin' foreigners, coming over here feeling our knobs!
Replied: 26th Jul 2011 at 17:26
Can you join the 'choir invisibule' at will, yet?
Replied: 26th Jul 2011 at 17:53
If you wish for assistance, ask Brian for my details.
(You do have paypal, I presume?)
Replied: 26th Jul 2011 at 18:24
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 26th Jul 2011 at 18:30:04
ah so it is YOU that does the invisible thing is it gwim?
Replied: 26th Jul 2011 at 18:46
we,ll all end up getting banned and made(inactive)
Replied: 26th Jul 2011 at 19:06
So no, you struggle is the answer.
Replied: 26th Jul 2011 at 22:35
I'm in line for a job down at 'Oxford Dictionaries'.
I got my mate to put a word in for me.
Replied: 26th Jul 2011 at 22:37
Replied: 27th Jul 2011 at 00:54
Last edited by dustaf: 27th Jul 2011 at 00:56:45
Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy -- and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.
First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."
Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"
The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."
Replied: 27th Jul 2011 at 11:21
That is poor.
Pre WWII
Ladies in the Doctor's waiting room with their daughters.
Sherry, Penny and Fanny.
Replied: 27th Jul 2011 at 13:25
That's the same order I usually follow to (almost) guarantee results.
Replied: 27th Jul 2011 at 13:42
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 27th Jul 2011 at 13:42:53
Replied: 27th Jul 2011 at 14:10
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 27th Jul 2011 at 14:23:21
Barn
Eagle
Snowy
Teet
Happy now? Or would you like to see a Water Otter?
Replied: 27th Jul 2011 at 18:50
Dirty bleeder. give it a rinse, wipe it and lay it away before the kids walk past.
Replied: 27th Jul 2011 at 18:57
Replied: 27th Jul 2011 at 19:18
'Knock knock.'
'Who's there?'
'Indian.'
'Indian who?'
'Indian spice.'
'Cumin.'
Replied: 27th Jul 2011 at 22:53
No wonder people who claim people are leaving by the way the crow flies seem to have flown for the time being.
Have these flying flingers fled?
Replied: 28th Jul 2011 at 01:16
Haven't noticed. Though now you mention it, I suspect the six fingered fool is pretending to have gone somewhere, maybe got a six finger discount?
Anyway, back to less sour matters....
My senile mate keeps knocking on his own front door then goes round the back to answer his own knocks.....
I don't think he knows what he is letting himself in for.
Replied: 28th Jul 2011 at 07:53
A lady stopped me as I walked past the bus stop today.
She said, "How much are buses these days?"
I said, "Sorry love I don't know, at a guess I'd say probably about £350,000 for a double decker."
Replied: 28th Jul 2011 at 16:32
Paddy and Mick were walking through a wood, when Paddy spots a sign that says "Tree Fellers Wanted".
Paddy says to Mick, "Aah, t'is a shame that we're not qualified arborists Mick".
Replied: 28th Jul 2011 at 16:33
My wife came back gleaming from the kids tombola with a tin of Heinz baked beans in her hand.
I asked, "What are you so happy about?"
She said, "I've never won anything in my life, I don't know what to do with them."
I said, "May I propose a toast?"
Replied: 28th Jul 2011 at 17:54
You two should be on television as a double act.
Replied: 28th Jul 2011 at 18:50
He is a double act on his own.
Replied: 28th Jul 2011 at 18:50
I was out, rather like people did when the rent man came a'knocking...
A lady came into my butchers shop and said "excuse me have you got lambs legs"
I said "No it's just the way my trousers are hanging"
Now THAT'S poor!
Replied: 29th Jul 2011 at 07:54
I am away now to make The World's Best Fettuccine Alfredo Recipe. Google it.
Replied: 29th Jul 2011 at 12:42
Make a recipe?
I think it's already been done, hasn't it?
So you don't want any kebab then?
Replied: 29th Jul 2011 at 14:34
Apologies, Coolie. I hadn't folowed your instructions properly.
I bet she doesn't strain spaghetti in her string vest.
Replied: 29th Jul 2011 at 14:45
Went out last Friday and got drunk out of my mind.
I woke up next to this ugly fat sweaty bird, who was snoring, grunting and breaking wind.
I thought thank heavens for that, at least i made it home!
Replied: 29th Jul 2011 at 17:03
From elsewhere:
BBC Radio Leicester - " The 2012 Olympics are just a year away, 366 days and counting."
Erm....?
Nobody did a July explanation for the poor sap.
Replied: 29th Jul 2011 at 18:35
Smashing set of Spaghetti pans though.
Replied: 29th Jul 2011 at 20:04
SKY NEWS- Woman wakes up thinking it's 1992
Stupid woman left the TV turned on to Dave!
Replied: 29th Jul 2011 at 20:19
I heard you have gone to the 'cross wires' event in Weatherfield to show Marcia your support. Well done you!
Replied: 29th Jul 2011 at 20:34
I've met this girl. but she won't go out with me because of my obsession with Blondie....
One way or another I'm gonna get her.
Replied: 30th Jul 2011 at 12:03
Google tells me Marcia is a TV off of the TV. But what is the 'cross wires' event,of which you speak?
Replied: 30th Jul 2011 at 14:46
Last edited by dustaf: 30th Jul 2011 at 16:37:25
sprayed myself with lynx today!! it works!! 2 women in uniform turned up with handcuffs and dragged me out the zoo!! RESULT!!
Replied: 30th Jul 2011 at 16:42
I got kicked out of the theatre last night for abusive heckling.
Now I've got to explain my actions to the Hospital Board and fellow surgeons.
Replied: 30th Jul 2011 at 16:47
I just lost my job as a doctor. This incredibly attractive girl had come in and said, "I'm not feeling myself".
Apparently, "mind if I have a go then?" is not an appropriate answer.
Replied: 30th Jul 2011 at 16:53
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
Replied: 30th Jul 2011 at 17:31
Would have been nicer had I been on the other side of the bleedin' door!
Replied: 30th Jul 2011 at 17:47
My wife told me smugly that she is leaving me because I'm too old fashioned.
I smote that countenance off the harlot's phizog.
Replied: 30th Jul 2011 at 18:14
At the end of a recent job interview the manager asked me if I had any questions. I said just the one if I was in a vehicle travelling at the speed of light and I switched my lights on where would the light go? He said I can't answer that one I said well I don't want the job then.
Replied: 30th Jul 2011 at 18:17
I left my car in a car park the other day, when I came back to it the bumper and rear lights were all smashed up. Then I found this note under the wiper. It said:
I just accidentally reversed into your car.
Quite a few people saw me do it.
They think I'm leaving my name and details.
Well, I'm not.
Replied: 30th Jul 2011 at 19:19
I was in a porno cinema the other night. I hadn't been there five minutes when some guy started yelling at me: "Oh, you're a beast, you're despicable!"
So I said to him: "Listen mate, we're all here together, you're just as despicable as I am." But then other people started chipping in, shouting stuff like "How do you sleep at night?" and "You're a total disgrace."
Next thing I knew the manager was standing right beside me, throwing in his two pence worth as well. I remember what he said to the letter. He said: "In 25 years I've never seen anything like this."
So I said: "I know I'm not much to look at but that's a bit harsh, isn't it?" But he wasn't listening, he was just waving his arms saying he was going to "throw me out" and that security was "on its way."
At that point I just thought "Oh, I don't need this".
So I stood up and said: "Sod it, come on kids we're leaving."
Replied: 30th Jul 2011 at 19:21
My girlfriend has left me a note:
"I'm leaving you because you're so stupid and bigoted."
Well I'm not stupid, I'm just dyslexic. And I can't help it if I have big toes.
Replied: 30th Jul 2011 at 19:21
After realising that I had accidentally eaten my clone, I Poo'd myself.
Replied: 31st Jul 2011 at 12:20
I phoned up my local Chinese restaurant last night.
"Do you do takeaways?", I enquired.
"Yes, we do", she said.
"Okay so, what's 12 minus 8?", I asked.
Replied: 31st Jul 2011 at 12:50
I'll never forget my mate's last words before ending his own life.
"I do."
Replied: 31st Jul 2011 at 18:50
(Pssst..In youtube, type 'banned skittles ad'.)
Replied: 31st Jul 2011 at 18:57
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 31st Jul 2011 at 18:57:28
Yeah, like you haven't 'tasted the rainbow'!
A man walks into a crowded bar with a alligator on a leash. He shouts out " If i can put my genitals in this alligator's mouth and take them out after 5 minutes unscathed, everyone in here has to buy me a drink." Everyone agreed and so he opened the alligator's mouth and put his genitals in, casually drinking a beer. After 5 minutes he takes his empty beer bottle and smashes it on the alligators head, which opened it's mouth, and he pulled out his unscathed genitals. Everyone was impressed and after he had got all his drinks the man said " would anyone like to have a go?" a woman at the back put up her hand and said " sure, but you cant hit me with the bottle!"
Replied: 31st Jul 2011 at 19:53
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Talk about "no wonder....etc..."
I'm tempted to 'do one' myself.
It was an owd woman, in a circus, with a lion in 1835
Replied: 1st Aug 2011 at 01:12
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
That's your boyfriend having a cat scan, that is.
Replied: 1st Aug 2011 at 01:15
I'm not as old as yu though, but I thought to take you back to your youth with it...
This beggar said to me today."excuse me mate,i havent had a bite for three day's"
So i bit him
Replied: 1st Aug 2011 at 08:15
This is you getting your Lab results, this is.
Replied: 1st Aug 2011 at 08:16
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 1st Aug 2011 at 09:25:34
I am heavily into Basketball at the moment.
Replied: 1st Aug 2011 at 09:26
It's all fun and games until someone steps on a Lego.
Replied: 1st Aug 2011 at 12:49
My wife rang me earlier to say that she had a special surprise for me.
"What is it? What is it?" I asked excitingly. "Give me a clue."
"Let's just say that I've been shopping at Ann Summers," she giggled.
"Brilliant," I burst. "Did you get a pump with her?"
Replied: 1st Aug 2011 at 12:53
That basketball pic reminded me of some popsies who were on the local news a while back. they were promoting Roller Derby.
They looked much better than these yowths
Replied: 1st Aug 2011 at 13:52
This week, I am mostly researching Rollergirls
Replied: 1st Aug 2011 at 13:57
Rightyho, that's me back from oglin...Researching Lingerie Baseball.....
Where was I?..
Ah yes...
I took my three-year-old son for a walk in the park yesterday. He asked me, 'Daddy, why is the sky blue?'
Any idiot knows that the sky is blue because air scatters short-wavelength light more than longer wavelengths. Since blue light is at the short wavelength end of the visible spectrum, it is more strongly scattered in the atmosphere than long wavelength red light.
So I gave him a good beating.
Replied: 1st Aug 2011 at 15:37
Lingerie Baseball, you say/type?
I'll have a look.
Replied: 1st Aug 2011 at 15:49
Replied: 1st Aug 2011 at 15:54
Replied: 1st Aug 2011 at 16:12
I was filling the car up with petrol earlier when I thought to myself
'Why am I filling the car up with petrol, the petrol tank would be much more sensible'.
SORT OUT 16:12
Replied: 1st Aug 2011 at 16:42
BOOOOO! HAHAHA...I had you all excited there....
Real link is as follows:
Pant
Replied: 1st Aug 2011 at 17:00
Rightyho, that's me back from oglin...Researching Lingerie Baseball.....
So where are the nakky baseball women?
Replied: 1st Aug 2011 at 17:16
The clue here is in the word, 'Lingerie'
For further ogling, type 'Lingerie Baseball' in google, then select 'images'.
Happy researching.
Replied: 1st Aug 2011 at 17:24
Following an unpleasant Rollergirl incident, I hoped you'd come up with the goods.
But if you are keeping all the best stuff to youself, I don't blame you.
Replied: 1st Aug 2011 at 17:38
I am selling some on ebay
Replied: 1st Aug 2011 at 17:41
Very nice.
That reminds me, I must darn the hole in the leg of my bathing suit.
Replied: 1st Aug 2011 at 17:57
No need, it's not exactly in a prominent position, just the crotch.
Replied: 1st Aug 2011 at 18:20
Just above the knee actually. Which could be embarrassing.
Replied: 1st Aug 2011 at 18:35
Eleven inches above the knee to be precise.
Replied: 1st Aug 2011 at 18:42
If you consider eleven inches to be 'just', you must have been spoiled.
Replied: 1st Aug 2011 at 18:45
Another thread dragged into the gutter.
And no sign of a stalker.
Replied: 1st Aug 2011 at 18:46
I am the spoiler, rather than the spoilee.
Replied: 1st Aug 2011 at 18:58
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 1st Aug 2011 at 19:28:48
I'm jake the peg...NO, I'm jake the peg. NO, I'M JAKE THE PEG AND SO IS LADY GAGA.
Replied: 1st Aug 2011 at 19:55
Welcome to the Dragons' Den, where we welcome new Dragon, Hilary Devey, who made her millions in the haulage industry.
Hauling around her massive testicles.
Have you seen her? By eck, she is ugly!
If she weren't so wealthy, she would still be 'intact'.
Replied: 1st Aug 2011 at 19:58
Have you seen the funny?...They are looking for it, show it to them, for the love of God, show it to them!
Replied: 1st Aug 2011 at 21:43
I can't wait to see the gay version of Batman Begins...
...Batman Biggins.
Replied: 2nd Aug 2011 at 07:28
There was a programme (old repeat) on telly the other week which was like a Porridge revisited comedy. Old faces giving 'in character' interviews etc. It wasn't very good, even though it featured an ageing Ronnie Barker. But I learned Lukewarm's (Biggins) name.
Have you seen the latest Show Me The Funny?
Load of jobbie. I know when I was a kid of that age we were telling naughty jokes. It would have been better if they'd let the kids tell jokes instead of the 'comedians'.
My money is still on the Welshman, the copper and the woman Ellie.
Having said that, we have only been shown edited highlights of each set.
One thing which crossed my mind was "Why don't the experts show us how it's done?"
I wonder how Manford and the idiot Davies would have fared in front of each audience?
Replied: 2nd Aug 2011 at 14:28
I agree., but I am disheartened by the fact that my 1st Aug 2011 at 21:43 seems to have been ignored. This can only mean you don't read all my posts...
I shall away to cry!
Replied: 2nd Aug 2011 at 14:49
Stupid boy. That was why I asked if you had actally seen the latest edition.
I wondered if you'd given it the elbow after seeing the first show, which you commented on.
Replied: 2nd Aug 2011 at 14:55
I watched it through gritted teeth (I grind, you know).
It was awful. Spitting on Children and swearing caused laughter, but they weren't there to do slapstick. A huge let down, the entire series. Why can't the X factor or similar show the comedians. (I may actually watch them then)
Replied: 2nd Aug 2011 at 14:58
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 2nd Aug 2011 at 14:58:52
Bruxism.
I'm puzzled as to how they selected them. If they are professional comics, I'm a monkey's uncle.
Answers on a postcard etc..
Replied: 2nd Aug 2011 at 15:07
I like that.
There was a crappy joke about the google men on that sordid site you use, yesterday.
Replied: 2nd Aug 2011 at 15:19
I don't read unfunny ones, a cursory glance, at best...
Have you see the pics on the Wiganword tab from Jagman?
Replied: 2nd Aug 2011 at 15:22
BBC News: 'Doctors Find Female Reproductive Organs In Man'
And some ears..... and some fingers......
Replied: 2nd Aug 2011 at 15:26
Not too impressed with what I've seen of today's offerings.
But I did like this whinge:
My wife says she's going to leave me because of <insert contrived condition> here.
Well... the joke's on her because.
<insert predictable punchline proving wife right>
Right... that's all the permutations covered, we can put in funny flipping jokes again now.
I wonder how highly majjie rates him/herself.
Replied: 2nd Aug 2011 at 16:58
13 'jokes' submitted.
Another one with delusions of adequacy.
Replied: 2nd Aug 2011 at 17:02
Curry's don't sell Indian food, Boots don't sell footwear and Super drug is just a complete waste of time
Hear. Hear.
Replied: 2nd Aug 2011 at 17:14
How interesting that you mention indian food... Im writing a book on Indian curries.
Its naan-fiction
Replied: 2nd Aug 2011 at 17:17
There's a crappier quip than that, regarding Boots.
S Milligan often told people they could get tablets for 'that' (which could be a cough, fluffed line etc.) in Boots.
"But they are more hygienic in bottles"
Badum-tish
Replied: 2nd Aug 2011 at 17:35
I had a conversation with a tree once. It was a bit one-sided.
I couldn't think of anything to say.
Now that's a good quote.
Replied: 2nd Aug 2011 at 17:46
Oh I dunno...
A quote from a Guitar Hero loading screen:
"You can look even cooler by using the slider bar!"
As if you don't already look cool enough
Replied: 2nd Aug 2011 at 17:51
The protester who threw a foam pie at Rupert Murdoch, has been jailed for six weeks and ordered to pay £250 in court costs.
In addition, he was ordered to pay a 15 pound victim surcharge to the multi-billionaire.
Are they taking the wee?
Sometimes, trying to be a clever dickie just doesn't work.
The muppet will probably be ranting about that for days.
Replied: 2nd Aug 2011 at 19:33
I thought the pi throwing comedian would get about 3.141 weeks in jail myself.
Replied: 2nd Aug 2011 at 19:43
Hmmm...My patented detection enhancing device tells me it is none other than my pupil!
I taught him everything he knows, you know.
I performed a series of experiments
which turned Dustaf invisible permanently. Poor chap, I do feel for him..
Replied: 2nd Aug 2011 at 21:31
Sometimes, I like to crouch down, pull my legs up towards my chest, tuck my head in really tight and then move forward.....
A little strange I know, but thats how I roll...
Anyone seen my invisibility cloak?
Replied: 3rd Aug 2011 at 08:44
I saw Dustaf this Morning, he was walking the dog. I said 'Why don't you stop messing about with yo-yo's at your age and get a bl**dy job!'
Replied: 3rd Aug 2011 at 11:40
Not the stalker though, he can barely spell his own name, let alomne perform something as complex as *Deleted by the magic Circle*
Replied: 3rd Aug 2011 at 14:59
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 3rd Aug 2011 at 15:35:45
I hate Russian dolls.
They're so full of themselves.
Replied: 3rd Aug 2011 at 15:37
If Adam had an Adam's apple, what did Eve have?
A huge pear, apparently!
Replied: 3rd Aug 2011 at 15:37
You'd be having allsorts penetrating your innner circle hadn't you edited.
The 'Inner Circle' is for higher ranking members of the Magic Circle.
Replied: 3rd Aug 2011 at 16:05
I know, I am in the middle of them all. The grand thingy....erm....that fat faced bloke with glasses on who was on Tioswas ...Married to a comedienne? Anyway, that's me...I forgot my own name...Geoffrey, I am getting a Geoffrey....
Replied: 3rd Aug 2011 at 16:20
Great Soprendo
Geoffrey Durham.
Bowt googlin.
But need to find RB as Great Wizard.
Replied: 3rd Aug 2011 at 16:30
Replied: 3rd Aug 2011 at 16:31
My wife says she is leaving me because of my mixed metaphors
But the early bird catches plenty more fish in the sea.
Another clever dickie shows his/her ignorance.
Replied: 3rd Aug 2011 at 16:45
That's me, The great Soprendo....I am that man!
Replied: 3rd Aug 2011 at 16:47
An Indian gentleman was trying to smuggle an elephant through customs, the elephant had a slice of bread in each ear, the officer says ''Good morning sir, anything to declare?'' the man says ''oh no, nothing at all sir''....''well what about that then?'' he said pointing to the elephant... he says ''please sir, whatever I put in my sandwiches has nothing to do with you!''
Replied: 3rd Aug 2011 at 16:51
Hmmm..I always carry a spare pair of trousers when I play golf, in case I get a hole in one.
Well, you started it!
Replied: 3rd Aug 2011 at 16:54
Cricky-Cracky-Hacky
Don't you know that one?
If not, you are indeed an impostor.
Replied: 3rd Aug 2011 at 17:03
Course I bleedin do....but this being a jocular thread, I have appearances to keep up. Piff, Paff, Poof
PILGRIM!
Replied: 3rd Aug 2011 at 17:14
Ali Bongo was another.
True genius but acted daft on kids' TV show.
Replied: 3rd Aug 2011 at 17:18
Replied: 3rd Aug 2011 at 17:20
Didn't you date him for a while until he performed a magic trick on you and vanished with a poof?
Replied: 3rd Aug 2011 at 17:23
Replied: 3rd Aug 2011 at 17:43
Put some pictures of them nakky women off thet 'Breaking The Magicians Code' on.
Just seen another 'joke' on that sordid site, where the writer shows his/her ignorance:
mate has just joined a gang called the Klux Klan
Then suggests the mate hasn't got a clue.
Replied: 3rd Aug 2011 at 17:51
My wife caught me 'fiddling' whilst looking at a magic eye picture
I said 'it's not what it looks like!'
Replied: 3rd Aug 2011 at 17:56
Replied: 3rd Aug 2011 at 17:58
Did you hear about the Magican who had a speech impediment and did magic with Chocolate?
I heard he had loads of Twix up his sleeve.
Replied: 3rd Aug 2011 at 18:00
Replied: 3rd Aug 2011 at 18:08
This filth from a man who fancies CJ of Eggheads.
Replied: 3rd Aug 2011 at 18:26
Filth?
That is a tin of Roses.
Apologies if my clever-dickieness went over your head, but magicians traditionally pull bunches of flowere from their sleeves. They also use slilk scarves and flags. But as you mentioned chocolate, I thought of roses.
No wonder explanations are often required.
Replied: 3rd Aug 2011 at 19:08
Didn't even click youe link for fear of wizards and their sleeves popping out...Note the one Z
Replied: 3rd Aug 2011 at 22:16
Used to go to a lovely chip shop in Cumbria, sellafield actually....Heard tonight it is closed down, shame as they used to do a lovely leg of Cod there.
Replied: 3rd Aug 2011 at 22:18
One Z is it?
I'd just read a joke on yon sordid site about 'Little Johnny' & co being asked by the teacher to name things beginning alphabetically.
When all possibilities had been done, Our Hero was last man standing and said ZEBRA. But went on to describe the equid's stature.
Replied: 4th Aug 2011 at 01:21
Fluidity, we need fluidity, not vagaries!
Tell the humorous takle s instead of touching upon them lest people begin to leave....Allow me to elucidate....
Replied: 4th Aug 2011 at 08:45
I spent ages trying to cross a busy road.
Some passer-by said, "There's a zebra crossing fifty yards up the road."
I thought, "I hope he's having better luck than me."
Replied: 4th Aug 2011 at 08:46
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 4th Aug 2011 at 08:49:01
As the students left my classroom at the end of a lesson, one girl came to my desk and said, "Sir, I think the batteries are going on my mp3 player. Have you got any spare ones?"
I said, "Actually, I know a little trick." I took them out, gave them a quick lick, and then put them back in.
I said, "Right, that's your breasts sorted. Let's look for some batteries."
Replied: 4th Aug 2011 at 08:47
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 4th Aug 2011 at 08:49:21
I'm not the jealous type.
I wish I was, though.
Replied: 4th Aug 2011 at 08:49
Sky news:Heather Mills claims news of world phone hacking.
She just wooden leg it go!
BBC NEWS:
Five officers from Merseyside Police's unit, which tackles gang crime, have been sacked for gross misconduct.
Im a p.c and gross misconduct was My idea
Replied: 4th Aug 2011 at 13:32
I decided to get a camper van,so i sold my white Ford Transit and got a pink Astravan.
Replied: 4th Aug 2011 at 17:50
That was most amusing!
I used to live the life of Riley.
That was until he reported his credit cards missing.
Replied: 4th Aug 2011 at 17:55
I'm taking my local cafe to court for false advertising.
I ordered an all-day breakfast and it only lasted eleven minutes
Replied: 4th Aug 2011 at 19:56
Today I saw a drunk naked woman jump from the 1st floor window of a building.
Luckily her husband was standing underneath and he caught her in his arms.
I walked over to him and said, "Bl***y hell mate, you wouldn't catch my wife doing that."
Replied: 4th Aug 2011 at 19:57
Feel free to join us. Nicko.
Rowan Atkinson has been injured after crashing his McLaren F1 supercar in Cambridgeshire.
Paramedics at the scene said his face was hideously disfigured, luckily for him though his only injury was to his shoulder.
Replied: 5th Aug 2011 at 08:05
As a lover of comedy, I'd have to score John Bishop at 11 out of 10.
Yes, that's right. He's over-rated.
Replied: 5th Aug 2011 at 08:25
Girl: I'm having heart surgery today.
Boy: I know.
Girl: I love you!
Boy: I love you more, much more!
After surgery, when the girl woke up, only her father is next to her bed.
Girl: Where is he?
Father: You don't know who gave you the heart?
Girl: What? (She starts crying)
Father: I'm just kidding, he went to the toilet
Replied: 5th Aug 2011 at 08:25
I rang a sex helpline earlier. I said, "I need to speak to someone about premature ejac... Oh, I'll ring you back".
Replied: 5th Aug 2011 at 12:57
Nicko, this is where the Coolie hides from stalkers. the secret password/phrase is:
No wonder....etc...
Feel free to join in.
Replied: 5th Aug 2011 at 13:22
I heard the click as the password was accepted. Who is i...Ah, it's thee!
A Girl walked up to me and said, "I like your faith."
I said, "Thank you, but why?"
She said, "I think it'th your eyeth."
Replied: 5th Aug 2011 at 13:28
You should also mention the fact that this is the place where stolen jokes from a naughty site are aired.
Rowan Atkinson has apparently been injured in a car crash.
I for one am not surprised. No-one could drive a Mini whilst sitting on the roof and using a mop to steer.
Replied: 5th Aug 2011 at 13:44
No I shouldn't, I should hope people understand we (Well, you) don't make jokes up, we bring them to the masses.
Replied: 5th Aug 2011 at 14:00
Gawd blesss yer.
I noticed you doctored the 'John Bishop' quote. (08:25)
A lover of comedy is a much more apt description than what some of those conributors to the naughty site consider themselves to be.
Replied: 5th Aug 2011 at 15:44
Bonehill-Paine
Nowt special, but the name made me chuckle.
Replied: 5th Aug 2011 at 17:06
A pessimist is always alone. An optimist is always two people away from a threesome.
Replied: 5th Aug 2011 at 17:43
Rowan Atkinson has written off his McLaren F1 in a crash.
Witnesses said the car had to swerve sharply to avoid an oncoming blue Morris Minor.
Have I missed something?
At least the clever dickie who wrote that didn't refer to the Reliant Regal as a Robin Reliant.
Replied: 5th Aug 2011 at 19:02
He may have been rubber.....necking?
Replied: 5th Aug 2011 at 21:20
Cannibal Senior and Cannibal Junior are out looking for dinner one afternoon. They find a little girl and Junior gets excited.
"Oooh Oooh, Dad, Dad can we eat her? can we eat her?"
"No, put her back son. She's too skinny and too small. She'll be much better in a few years time."
So they walk a bit further. They find a haggard old woman.
"Oooh Oooh Dad, Dad can we eat her? can we eat her?"
"No, put her back son. She's too old and too bony. She won't taste nice. Let's keep going."
They go on further and find a gorgeous blonde with a body to die for, lazing on the beach, bronzing nicely. Junior licks his lips and starts bouncing with excitement.
"Oooh Oooh, Dad, Dad can we eat her? can we- wait, what's wrong with this one then?"
"Nothing; put her in the sack, your mother's for dinner"
Replied: 6th Aug 2011 at 16:42
So they have found water on Mars
Is this a Mars spa ?
Ouch!
Replied: 6th Aug 2011 at 16:56
Come on I,m waiting for the show to start. Got the popcorn ready
Replied: 6th Aug 2011 at 18:48
One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.
"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."
Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.
"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies
"Bless my soul", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"
There's a similar one about a golfer breaking a bottle while searching for his ball at the edge of the course. As it breaks a naked man appears 'as if from nowhere' and claims to be a genie.
The bloke's wishes are golf related.
Better swing, best set of clubs money can buy and membership and captaincy of local exclusive club.
Proviso being that the genie gets to sleep with your man's wife.
Bloke agrees, takes the genie home.
Post coitus, the 'genie' asks the woman how old her husband is.
Similar punchline to the above.
I typed that out, just to show the Spigot Monk that not all my stuff on here is copied and pasted from a sordid joke site.
* Red editing indicates naughty profanities in the original stolen item
Replied: 7th Aug 2011 at 16:54
Last edited by dustaf: 7th Aug 2011 at 16:55:41
Well you could have woken me up. Why have you kept you audience waiting so long?
Replied: 7th Aug 2011 at 17:49
Research.
Filthy joke sites don't trawl through themselves, Erontquay.
Replied: 7th Aug 2011 at 17:54
Oh well in that case I,ll let you off.
Replied: 7th Aug 2011 at 18:00
A young girl said to me earlier, "Why do you keep making me blush?"
I said "because you're my sodding cleaner, now get on with it Chung Wei."
Replied: 7th Aug 2011 at 20:08
My mate just said to me, "If you became invisible, what would you do first?"
I said, "I'd go to Paris, find a performing street mime and beat him to death, the round of applause he'd get would be astounding."
Replied: 7th Aug 2011 at 20:10
Damned Coolie will be nicking the one about the ventriloquist next.
When asked about his prices (vent, not Spigot Monk), he said that "for cheap" he could turn up and use his mime puppet.
That's cheap, not cheep.
Look - No hands
Replied: 8th Aug 2011 at 01:58
Last edited by dustaf: 8th Aug 2011 at 02:03:50
Cue "That's your boyfriend, that is." comment.
Replied: 8th Aug 2011 at 02:08
See that Bob Carolgees? You used to be his bitch.
He used to use you as his practice puppet he did.
Replied: 8th Aug 2011 at 08:24
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 8th Aug 2011 at 08:27:08
I remember at dinner time my parents would give me a knife and fork and I'd bang them on the table until the food was ready
We were quite an incestuous family.
Replied: 8th Aug 2011 at 08:31
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck .
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads: 'If you can catch me, you can have me.' Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised.
He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads: 'If you catch me you can have me.'
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20lb as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. 'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone
'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft hunk standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads: 'I'm Francis. If I catch you, you're mine...'
Replied: 8th Aug 2011 at 10:57
A man is concerned about a dull throbbing pain in his Willy and seeks medical advice.
His GP tells him: "I'm afraid it's simply wearing out and under normal circumstances there would be nothing I can do to help, however there is a brand new experimental procedure which you could undergo, it involves using part of an elephants trunk, but it does have it's risks in terms of after effects."
"Anything! says the man, "I have an extremely active sex life and can't bear the thought of never being able to make love again".
Off he goes for the operation and 3 weeks later he's passed fit to resume normal sex.
He invites an extremely attractive neighbour over for dinner, things are going really well when he feels a stiring below, his willy becomes so large it's getting painful and he undoes his zip.
With that, his enormous grey appendage leaps out, shoots across the table, takes a bread bun and just as quickly, disappears into his trousers.
"My word!" says his guest, extremely impressed and slightly curious, "can you do that again?".
He replied in a shocked voice "Probably, but I don't think I could fit another bread bun up my bottom!"
Replied: 8th Aug 2011 at 10:58
Just been struck off for having sex with a patient.
Am absolutely gutted.
I doubt I will ever get another job as a vet again
Replied: 8th Aug 2011 at 11:00
A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat
down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'
The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go Fishing!"
Replied: 8th Aug 2011 at 14:30
I swear my wife will be the debt of me.
Replied: 8th Aug 2011 at 14:47
A man walks into a library and asks for a book on 'how to deal with rejection without killing' ......
Replied: 8th Aug 2011 at 15:17
why do women outlive men?
to finnish the clearing up...
Replied: 8th Aug 2011 at 15:20
My friend Philip has just been in Hopsital to have his lip removed. I will go and visit Phi later
Replied: 8th Aug 2011 at 15:25
What's the difference between my Mrs. and poverty?
Poverty sucks.
Replied: 8th Aug 2011 at 15:26
Husband buys his son an iPAD, daughter an iPOD, himself an iPHONE & his wife an iRON. She wasn't impressed even after he explained it can be integrated with the iWASH, iCOOK & iCLEAN network. This triggered the iNAG service, which totally wiped out the iSHAG function!!
Replied: 8th Aug 2011 at 16:00
Breaking news: Rioting in Hackney has caused unrepairable damage to the areas biggest company.
A spokesman for Cash Converters has described the news as devastating.
Replied: 8th Aug 2011 at 18:04
- all posts - certainly takes your mind off things.
Replied: 8th Aug 2011 at 18:24
During the Tottenham Riots, 2 Irishman raided the local Ladbrokes.
They lost 50 quid.
Replied: 8th Aug 2011 at 18:57
Bit of racism creeping in there?
No wonder....etc..
Why did the man sleep under the car?
Because he wanted to get up really oily.
Replied: 8th Aug 2011 at 19:17
Good news!....Jo Brand will be a judge on Show me the Funny tonight. I do hope they show her how to be funny.
Replied: 8th Aug 2011 at 19:28
I was just about to look who is tonights's guest judge.
Messrs Davies and Manford will no doubt allow her to shine.
Replied: 8th Aug 2011 at 19:42
Oh aye, her sour faced outlook will certtainly make the show more appealing to the masses.
Replied: 8th Aug 2011 at 19:51
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 8th Aug 2011 at 19:52:14
Self-depracating jokes about being fat are soooooooo Eighties.
And as for crudities about ladybits. No class.
Replied: 8th Aug 2011 at 20:00
The Potato Clock Gag. (Or a variation)
Paddy goes into a John Lewis department store and asks the shopkeeper, "Excuse me sir, but do you sell potato clocks?"
The shopkeeper looks at him and says, "Are you taking the Mickey? We sell cuckoo clocks, carriage clocks, grandfather clocks, alarm clocks... what the heck is a potato clock?"
And Paddy says, "I don't know, but I start my new job at nine tomorrow, and the wife said 'You'd better get a potato clock.'"
Replied: 8th Aug 2011 at 20:33
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 8th Aug 2011 at 20:34:27
Replied: 8th Aug 2011 at 20:35
What do you get if you cross a mountain and a desert?
Tired.
Replied: 9th Aug 2011 at 10:25
Riots have been started in liverpool.
Police are appealing for the middle aged men in shell suits to just "calm down, calm down".
Replied: 9th Aug 2011 at 10:25
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 9th Aug 2011 at 10:31:43
Bloody Summer and WPC's wearing riot gear.
There was a nice one on telly in 'Borough uniform', operating the cordon-tape. (Possibly Enfield, no, not Harry)
Replied: 9th Aug 2011 at 14:15
Replied: 9th Aug 2011 at 14:19
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 9th Aug 2011 at 14:26:00
I looked out on the destruction. Smashed windows, cars turned upside down, a bus on fire, people running scared, police unsure what move to make. . . .
I turned to the wife and said 'Chin up darling, you did your best, but maybe I should park the car!'
Replied: 9th Aug 2011 at 14:28
Behave!
I'm trying to find a pic of the nice one in bowler hat, shirt and stab vest.
An 'expert' gave a rundown of the three categories of officer who are trained to face such situations.
Enough seriousness. More research.
Replied: 9th Aug 2011 at 14:28
Trying to raise the education levels of my thread
Replied: 9th Aug 2011 at 14:41
I'm trying to raise something.
Could have been Clapham.
Replied: 9th Aug 2011 at 14:44
Bindun....
Play the flute with a wicker basket on your lap.
Replied: 9th Aug 2011 at 14:57
Juan sheet has gone to London to help apparently.
Replied: 9th Aug 2011 at 15:05
Replied: 9th Aug 2011 at 15:29
Why would anyone want to ruin their own country ?
Oh yeah its London none of them are in their own country
Many a true word.
Replied: 9th Aug 2011 at 15:37
There's true...Some oaf in Glasgow was arrested for trying to incite a riot, on facebook!...
We should get some placards and march about the Beech Hill area, 'What do we want, Women to get their breasts out in public. When do we want it, when I have switched my camera on, etc.
Replied: 9th Aug 2011 at 15:51
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 9th Aug 2011 at 15:52:03
And then do a trolley-dash in the 'new' Tesco Express.
Carefully typed, so as not to be accused of inciting a robbing spree.
Replied: 9th Aug 2011 at 15:55
Replied: 9th Aug 2011 at 15:57
Last edited by dustaf: 9th Aug 2011 at 15:58:36
You just want Dale Winton to check your goods out...Perv!
Replied: 9th Aug 2011 at 16:02
You proper fancy her, you do.
"Mop to aisle three please."
Replied: 9th Aug 2011 at 16:23
"Price check to checkout number three, "PILE CREAM, HOW MUCH IS THE PILE CREAM?"
Used to go out with her...she finished with me because 'I had no prospects'.
Replied: 9th Aug 2011 at 16:24
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 9th Aug 2011 at 16:27:41
Cocolates?
I'm trying to think of the name of those chocolate mint sticks. I thought they were 'Prospects'. But I'm wrong.
Replied: 9th Aug 2011 at 16:52
Replied: 9th Aug 2011 at 17:03
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 9th Aug 2011 at 17:04:31
That's the one
You fancy men with 'phossy jaw'. you do.
Replied: 9th Aug 2011 at 17:10
Do you light your fag with a Lucifer?
Replied: 9th Aug 2011 at 17:15
Last edited by dustaf: 9th Aug 2011 at 17:21:20
you fag?....What are you insinuating there, Pilgrim?
My fag has gone to clean my shoes and make me some crumpets for afternoon tea.
Replied: 9th Aug 2011 at 17:18
Replied: 9th Aug 2011 at 17:20
Replied: 9th Aug 2011 at 17:26
Looters have hit my local Argos store.... Good luck getting anything from there, whenever I want something its out of stock!
Replied: 9th Aug 2011 at 17:36
What was in the bag he was carrying?
London unrest: Rioters charge police in Woolwich
Thieving gets. I believe the modern parlance for that sort of thing is 'taxing'.
Replied: 9th Aug 2011 at 17:37
Croydon Pet Shop; a victim of the fire-bombings; is set to reopen next week, as The Phoenix, a Korean restaurant
Replied: 9th Aug 2011 at 17:52
lol....
Cash converters are expecting a bumper harvest twoards the end of the week.
Replied: 9th Aug 2011 at 18:04
Tommy Cooper died on stage doing what he did best. Steve Irwin died in the ocean doing what he did best. Don't fiddle tonight, I'm worried about you.
Replied: 9th Aug 2011 at 18:53
Thanks for nothing.
you know when they say, "Don't think of an elephant"
Ooooohhhhhh
Replied: 9th Aug 2011 at 18:59
Replied: 9th Aug 2011 at 19:08
My cunning ruse appears to have worked.
Replied: 9th Aug 2011 at 20:21
I hear on General that there are Riots in Wigan somewhere....I'm not able to get involved with the riots as my tracksuits in the wash!
Replied: 9th Aug 2011 at 21:25
Replied: 10th Aug 2011 at 09:24
There's lovely.
Did you see Show Me The Funny?
It's beginning to grate on me. Crappy editing hardly showing contestants in even doses.
You could see who was going to cop it straight away. The fellow was a complete bottom.
The cop settled-in with his "fellow 999 people". They then praised him for that.
A bit like congratulating someone for doing well in front of their home crowd.
My joint favourite, Ellie, didn't deliver, but the other lass seemed to have improved.
Money now on Welshmon.
Speaking of home crowds, it looked like someone is really going to get it in the neck from the 'critic' next week when they appear in front of Welsh rugby players.
Replied: 10th Aug 2011 at 14:05
I wanted the black chap to fall on his bottom because of his poor standing, rather than his colour, he was dire with the kids, just as bad with the medicals, and he claimed to be semi pro!
I only watch it so I can reply to your ramblings, I hate you!
Replied: 10th Aug 2011 at 14:46
What think ye of Babestation?
Is it worth a look?
Replied: 10th Aug 2011 at 14:50
A documentary not to be missed, apparently...This is very odd, I mentioned babestation to the ebay seller in my question...Hmmmm!
Replied: 10th Aug 2011 at 14:59
Are subtitles available? I sometimes have bouts of deafness.
The number of times I've been caught-out by witty wags about the cause of it is unbelievable.
Replied: 10th Aug 2011 at 15:08
I am a hell of a good lipreader now...They like to wave remote controls at you, dunno what that means, maybe you should press the red button. I tried that, just as the programme ended, I think.
Replied: 10th Aug 2011 at 15:32
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 10th Aug 2011 at 15:33:32
Here, a dare....Phone the girl on Babestation up tonight, it will cost £1.50, and say, Bl**dy heck, girl. You've let yourself go, haven't you. Then hang up and watch her face.
Replied: 10th Aug 2011 at 15:35
Women should be seen and not heard.
Thought the creator of Babestation.
Replied: 10th Aug 2011 at 15:35
I was chatting to a girl on Babestation the other night and I asked her if she could hide.
"Sorry, did you say hide?" she replied.
"Yes, that's right," I said, "and quickly - the batteries in the remote are flat, and the Mrs is walking down the stairs."
Replied: 10th Aug 2011 at 15:36
Bl**dy heck, girl.
That's not allowed. It's just the same as typing the swear word.
Replied: 10th Aug 2011 at 15:38
swear word, blerdy heck?.....
(Pssst, look at the soup thread on General, they are all alluding to your 'activities').
Replied: 10th Aug 2011 at 15:40
SWINES!
But as usual, it was you who lowered the tone.
Replied: 10th Aug 2011 at 15:58
I merely typed what others were thinking....I am your friend. Signed, Gwim.
Replied: 10th Aug 2011 at 16:19
Typing of friends...
What type of dog can jump higher than a building?
Replied: 10th Aug 2011 at 16:31
Any!
A building can't jump.
Or are you referring to Linda McCartney?
Replied: 10th Aug 2011 at 16:39
I see, been 'researching' my punchline!
No, nor was I making reference to Heather 'limpy' McCartney either.
Replied: 10th Aug 2011 at 16:47
I see, been 'researching' my punchline!
Certainly not!
Reply came from top of head
Replied: 10th Aug 2011 at 17:10
Replied: 10th Aug 2011 at 17:34
Just read a naughty (Absolutely filthy actually) one about a plumber and a household pet.
He avoided prosecution.
Replied: 10th Aug 2011 at 17:48
So Londoners are using BlackBerrys to communicate about the meeting places for riots...
If only we had some sort of media outlet who could maybe tap into those phones...
Replied: 10th Aug 2011 at 18:52
Just seen this on a naughty site:
News: Police to use water cannon's and plastic bullets.
What, so they're arming themselves with super soakers and BB guns?
Joke by kerrkerr in In The News - Riots - Added: 38 minutes ago - Current Score: 8.6
Replied: 10th Aug 2011 at 19:24
I've got five Aldi carrier bags here.
Wanna buy some matching luggage?
Replied: 10th Aug 2011 at 19:28
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I suck at poetry
Show me your Breasts
Replied: 10th Aug 2011 at 20:09
Replied: 11th Aug 2011 at 08:08
One of the rioters was in court today after looting car phone warehouse, but he only succeeded in stealing all the dummy phones.
Should have gone to specsavers first.
Replied: 11th Aug 2011 at 10:00
If you ever get attacked by a tiger just apply moisturising cream.
Blocks the paws.
Replied: 11th Aug 2011 at 10:01
A horse walks into a bar.
The barman says
"Why the long face?"
The horse replies
"Well my long face allows my eyes to remain above the grass while eating, So I can see predators far away."
Replied: 11th Aug 2011 at 10:15
I was watching the news with the Mrs last night. "It looks like the Kaiser Chiefs were right." I said.
"Yeah, very funny," she replied. "I Predict A Riot."
I said, "No... Everyday I Love You Less And Less."
Replied: 11th Aug 2011 at 10:18
I've had a rethink about the copper in that competition.
As a serving officer, he must be slightly hamstrung in the sense that if he uses any iffy material that is considered not PC for a PC, some soft prig will be after his head on a plate.
Replied: 11th Aug 2011 at 14:20
I was in Curry's earlier when I asked the Mrs, "What's your favourite Teletubby?"
"Tinky Winky", she said.
"No you fat sod, which TV do you want?"
Replied: 11th Aug 2011 at 16:21
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something
for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think €5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?
Replied: 11th Aug 2011 at 16:28
Hey diddle diddle
The Cat and the Fiddle
The Cow blew up on the launch pad.
Replied: 11th Aug 2011 at 18:38
How very awful. I do hope the miscreants are brought to justice and feel the full penalty of law.
Replied: 11th Aug 2011 at 18:41
Replied: 11th Aug 2011 at 18:44
Very sad.
So who put the moo in the moon?
Replied: 11th Aug 2011 at 19:20
Youths tinkering with explosives by the read of it, Jo Anne.
Replied: 11th Aug 2011 at 19:42
Put that clip on of yon mon with a rocket up his jacksie.
But refrain from naming him.
Replied: 11th Aug 2011 at 19:44
I shall have to blur his face for legal reasons, too...
Replied: 11th Aug 2011 at 20:02
Replied: 11th Aug 2011 at 20:03
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 11th Aug 2011 at 20:04:15
The first conviction has been made of a thug who ransacked DFS. He was given a hefty fine but nothing to pay until 2012 then 4 years interest free credit.
Replied: 12th Aug 2011 at 20:17
People often accuse me of lying...
...they don't really, I made that up.
Replied: 13th Aug 2011 at 07:47
My black neighbor just came to tell me he is thinking of moving to Vienna.
Its not a typical dance song but I think he can pull it off.
Replied: 13th Aug 2011 at 07:48
Replied: 13th Aug 2011 at 14:52
I guessed the black chap off love thy Neighbour.
Replied: 13th Aug 2011 at 15:25
The Mrs told me that I sometimes treat her like a child. I didn't know how to react...
...so I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.
Replied: 13th Aug 2011 at 15:32
BBC News: "Can technology identify looters?"
My idea of sticking a TV under a tree with an anvil in it could possibly work now.
I like the imagery that conjours up.
Replied: 13th Aug 2011 at 16:15
Why would looters want to watch a TV with an anvil in it?
Surely it would be a better idea to attach a length of rope to the anvil throw the other end of the rope over the tree branch, and set a trap somehow so when the ne-er be good attempts to make off with the TV, the trap is sprung, the anvil falls and hilarity ensues.
Replied: 13th Aug 2011 at 16:44
Which reminds me of the age-old question:
If Wile E Coyote had the whrewithall to get all that Acme stuff sent to him, why didn't he just order some food?
Replied: 13th Aug 2011 at 17:12
Not enough cache left....Cache..get it?
Replied: 13th Aug 2011 at 18:19
I remember that Rising Damp episode - I was only a child - I really thought Vienna had died
Replied: 13th Aug 2011 at 21:16
Replied: 14th Aug 2011 at 16:24
I went up to a girl in the gym and said, "Do you come here often?"
She said, "Ha ha very smooth but no, not really"
I said, "Well you probably should, fatty"
Replied: 14th Aug 2011 at 18:11
the police in wigan are protecting the 'high risk' shops in anticipation of a riot they are surrounding gerrnhalghs pound bakery gregs and galloways
Joke by D1AM0ND0 in In The News - Riots - Added: 23 hours ago - Current Score: -4.4
Many a true word.
Each of the boys had their names and addresses taken and police tore open one of their rucksacks which appeared to contain boxes of smarties and food from Greggs.
Replied: 14th Aug 2011 at 18:44
Last edited by dustaf: 14th Aug 2011 at 18:46:59
It was lucky that I went to see a fortune teller today.
She warned me that somebody was going to swindle me.
I was more than happy to pay for that kind of information.
Joke by The Gwim Weaper in Twaddle - Wiganmworld - Added: 0 hours ago - Current Score: 1
Other unnecessary information to be provided by Dustaf for no known reason.
Replied: 14th Aug 2011 at 20:10
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 14th Aug 2011 at 20:12:51
Other unnecessary information to be provided by Dustaf for no known reason. Is it?
Listen/read, damned coolie. I have been happy to indulge you in this merry thread of yours. But I take offence at your insinuation that I am spoiling things by offering my (well, other people's) words of wisdom.
See this:
twad·dle (twdl)
intr.v. twad·dled, twad·dling, twad·dles
To talk foolishly; prate.
n.
I think my post is appropriate on a thread you have so carefully titled.
You may also want to google the word, as I (shamelessly) did and see what it is 'probably' a variant of.
Most apt in your case.
No wonder...etc...
Replied: 15th Aug 2011 at 01:39
So stick that on the 'new word a day' thread.
Apologies to the limp-under-the-cap, but I daren't do an August Explanation.
Googling lessons available on request.
CO Gwim Weaper
Cubicle Three
The Cottage
Chipping Sodbury
Replied: 15th Aug 2011 at 01:41
Last edited by dustaf: 15th Aug 2011 at 01:44:21
dustaf
The show was well written - but I doubt anyone could have delivered the lines better than Leonard Rossiter.
Replied: 15th Aug 2011 at 07:34
There are three sizes of condoms:
Small
Medium
..Liar.
'Circumlocutor', or maybe, 'Digressor'...
Replied: 15th Aug 2011 at 08:10
Why cant Avon ladies walk fast?
Their lipstick.
Joke by The Gwim Weaper in Twaddle - Wiganworld - Added: 20 hours ago - Current Score: 1000, 02
Replied: 15th Aug 2011 at 11:33
No wonder....etc..
Veg Grower, there was something beautifully 'sleazy' about the character.
That's Rossiter's 'Rigsby', not the Spigot Monk.
Replied: 15th Aug 2011 at 14:41
dustaf - I have noticed that sometimes there are 4 dots between no wonder and etc and sometimes there are 3 - is there any particular reason for this?
Replied: 15th Aug 2011 at 16:33
None whatsoever.
The reference is a parody of someone who keeps posting to suggest that Gwim and people of his ilk are, and have been, causing folk to leave the site in droves.
Replied: 15th Aug 2011 at 16:36
Last edited by dustaf: 15th Aug 2011 at 16:37:45
He uses four, I use three, he sometimes copy from me. I am grammatically correct, he can't even say it.
Replied: 15th Aug 2011 at 16:43
I went on a blind date last night.
I asked, "Do you like Pepper Pig?"
She said, "Yes."
I said, "Waiter, can we have some pepper over here please?"
Replied: 15th Aug 2011 at 16:43
It's not the saying it that is the problem, stupid lad.
It's typing it.
Replied: 15th Aug 2011 at 16:46
Typing it is easy, saying it bowt slurring is another matter, eh!
Replied: 15th Aug 2011 at 17:45
BOTH!
No wonder you drive people away with such unfeeling comments.
Replied: 15th Aug 2011 at 17:56
"Heello, iss tthhatt thhee sshhoop iii boouugghht thhee vviibbrrattorr ffrroomm. yes. ccaann yyoouu tteell mmee hhooww ttoo ttuurrnn tthhee bblleeedddiiinnngg tthhiinngg ooffff? "
Replied: 15th Aug 2011 at 18:02
I've just read about a rioter in London who decided to loot his local chip shop but all he got away with was a battered sausage.
Apparently the owner was a black belt in karate or something
Replied: 15th Aug 2011 at 21:20
Just seen a girl wearing the shorts so unbelievably short you could see private parts sticking out the bottom of mine.
Replied: 15th Aug 2011 at 21:20
How do Farmers measure the area of a circular sheep pen?
With Shepherd's Pi.
Replied: 16th Aug 2011 at 18:01
Replied: 16th Aug 2011 at 18:50
HURRAH! he managed to get a mention of welders in.
Replied: 16th Aug 2011 at 18:53
Listen/read, you back actor you, see 'Digger' thread on General.
Replied: 16th Aug 2011 at 19:08
I did, your vain attempt to ruin the chaps thread was foiled.
Replied: 16th Aug 2011 at 19:18
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 16th Aug 2011 at 19:28:11
I went to Hospital last week for open heart surgery.
I’m not surprised the poor blighter died, I’m a welder by trade.
Replied: 16th Aug 2011 at 19:30
Foiled is it? Foiled?
I refer you to this:
Posted by: the_gwim_weaper (23285)
Just read a book about Diggers.
Replied: 16th Aug 2011 at 17:49
Now, I reckon that it was I who thwaaarted your attempt at tandeming.
I put it to the ladies and gentlemen who may read this drivel, that had you really meant the Digger Movement (not hydraulic manipulation, but the thread subject), you would have typed:
Just read a book about The Diggers.
Whereas it is my opinion that you were trying to catch someone out and when questioned mention this.
Replied: 16th Aug 2011 at 19:31
Last edited by dustaf: 16th Aug 2011 at 19:32:40
Replied: 16th Aug 2011 at 19:37
I added the Authors surname to quell such thoughts. I do however, suspect you are a digger
Replied: 16th Aug 2011 at 19:45
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 16th Aug 2011 at 20:26:03
Fix it coolie.
It is obvious to 'The man on the Clapham omnibus' that you only added that post later, after changing tack due to my intervention.
Replied: 16th Aug 2011 at 19:51
I made the addendum to thwart your tandeming.
Replied: 16th Aug 2011 at 20:27
Here, at 21:00 on ch4, a there is a programme called 'The Seven Dwarves'. It's an observational documntary series following the lives of seven dwarves actors as they live together and perform in a production of Snow White.
Watch it, find out what has happened to the other six recently.
Replied: 16th Aug 2011 at 20:34
Feeling happy, is it?
No wonder...etc...
Replied: 17th Aug 2011 at 14:14
Happy you say...
This reminds me of the time was clinging for dear life to the face of the cliff.
As the rescue team approached one of the guys shouted "Whatever you do, don't look down".
So I started smiling.
Replied: 17th Aug 2011 at 15:43
DAD: "Ok, so after every question i ask you you must say ketchup and rubber buns".
KID: Gotcha.
DAD: what did you buy at the store?
KID: Ketchup and rubber buns.
DAD: What did you have for dinner?
KID: Ketchup and rubber buns.
DAD: What do you do when an old lady crosses the street?
Replied: 17th Aug 2011 at 22:01
Are we going to have the 'Clock, bun and bucket' one next?
No wonder...etc...
Replied: 18th Aug 2011 at 01:49
Yes, as soon as you have posted it...
Replied: 18th Aug 2011 at 11:12
Now, why don't you try the Adam Ant diet?
It's very easy apparently: Don't chew ever, don't chew ever.
Replied: 18th Aug 2011 at 11:16
That Show Me The Funny gets no better.
The cop got the elbow and the Welshmon died a death in Wales.
Manford & Davies are gettinbg more irritating.
Replied: 18th Aug 2011 at 15:09
I watched the last episode, won't be watching another.
Replied: 18th Aug 2011 at 15:50
I tried one those supermarket ready meals yesterday.
'Ready' my backside (yet to be seen at the top of Wigan due to Boundary confusion). It was stone cold.
Replied: 18th Aug 2011 at 15:52
I was looking on the Liverpool FC website the other day when i heard the wife coming in. It was close, but i managed to whip out my willy and load up some scantily clad ladies just in time to save any embarrassment...
Replied: 18th Aug 2011 at 15:54
A stripper came over to me in the strip club last night.
"Right," she winked taking her top off. "You can't touch me, so sit on your hands.
"Nah, am ok," I replied. "That trick doesn't work, I've tried it before."
Replied: 18th Aug 2011 at 15:55
I feel obliged to see the series out. But I won't lose sleep if I forget to watch.
Replied: 18th Aug 2011 at 16:04
I lose sleeep when I watch it.
Replied: 18th Aug 2011 at 16:14
It is terrible.
Manford was on Granada Reports last eve. Plugging a show and DVD etc.
He asked people who like him to buy tickets etc. then suggested that those who didn't like him may also like to make purchases.
His logic was that if his detractors funded his lifestyle, he wouldn't need to appear on telly and they would see less of him.
Replied: 18th Aug 2011 at 16:54
I think he isn't half bad as a stand up, sadly, he isn't much cop as a presenter. He will continue on the
celebrity quiz show rounds for a goodly while now. They just shuffle round from one to the other. Buzzcocks was brill with Mark Lamarr, then became even better with Simon Amstell hosting. Now, whilst still funny, not as good...
but anyway, the same faces are on that, QI, 9 out of cats, to name but three.
Did you see 9 out of 10 cats last eve?...The delectable Rachel Riley was on. I didn't notice if she had team members though.
Replied: 18th Aug 2011 at 17:27
Not bothered wiith 9/10 for a long time. But yon lass is worth a gander.
Replied: 18th Aug 2011 at 17:30
Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the US from China. They decided to become American Citizens, and "Americanize" their names.
Bu - called himself "Buck"
Chu called himself "Chuck"
and Fu had to go back to China.
Replied: 18th Aug 2011 at 20:00
Am I the only one who thinks Big Brother would be so much better if rather than walking into the house, they all woke up in there, each with a tape recorder? "Do you want to play a game?..."
Replied: 19th Aug 2011 at 12:20
Replied: 19th Aug 2011 at 16:35
Tone lowering is it..Erm....
How do welsh people find sheep in long grass?
Irresistable.
Replied: 20th Aug 2011 at 09:47
Albert Einstein went on to have a much more successful scientific career than his dad Frank.
(You will see this one on General when I find a spec to shoe it in.)
Replied: 20th Aug 2011 at 09:57
Fronk-en-steen
No wonder...etc..
If he only had a brain
Replied: 20th Aug 2011 at 16:52
Last edited by dustaf: 20th Aug 2011 at 16:53:35
"Isn't it disappointing when you stop noticing your plug-in?"
Who said that?
Replied: 20th Aug 2011 at 17:53
Last edited by dustaf: 20th Aug 2011 at 20:13:12
I went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my bahookie.
Do you think I should change dentists?
Replied: 20th Aug 2011 at 20:14
Was it Mr. Cooper who told a joke about going to the Dentists complaining about a problem in his mouth. His finger was pressed against a tooth and the Dentist said something along the lines of, 'No wonder, you have a finger in there'?
I made the mistake of kidnapping someone from Norfolk.
Cost me a bleedin' fortune sending their fingers in the post.
Replied: 21st Aug 2011 at 08:34
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 21st Aug 2011 at 17:18:19
Mr Coper?
Do you mean Roy Cropper?
I believe he may be familiar with a 'Debntsis'.
Whatever one of those is.
Replied: 21st Aug 2011 at 17:17
I was out walking my dog today when an old granny shouted "Make sure you pick that poo up, sonny"
I said "give us a chance love. I haven't wiped my bottom yet!"
Replied: 21st Aug 2011 at 21:11
My mate said, "I like your car"
I said, "It's not very practical now we've got a baby"
He said, "How about I buy it off you"
I said, "Yeah go on then. Three grand?"
He said, "You've got yourself a deal"
I said, "Nice one .. you're going to make a brilliant dad"
Replied: 22nd Aug 2011 at 08:00
By the way, Dustaf likes being 'bubblegummed'.
Replied: 22nd Aug 2011 at 09:16
A Glasgwegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time.
He says, "This is Amanda."
His dad jumps up. "It's a BEEPING what?"
Replied: 22nd Aug 2011 at 12:43
Hey. Coolie!
You're no duck egg, despite what some people may think. Perhaps you can help me with something?
The other day I was stroking a pussy and having been scratched in the past, I'm always wary of rubbing them up the wrong way.
You will be aware that, like snooker tables have a nap on their baize, pussies have a sort of grain direction.
Now here's the rub. (Rub, get it )
What is the scientific name for the point at which the direction changes?
I think it occurs on the nose somewhat level with the eyes.
Thus
If you wanted to stroke that one a bit higher up, the 'nap' would be running to the direction of the tail, rather than running towards the nostrils as can be seen in pic.
Speaking of running to nostrils:
I know the name for the 'snot gutter' in the middle of the top lip is 'the filtrim'. I'm not that clever, it was on a telly advert.
Anyhap. If you are unable to help with this matter, do you think I should direct my question to the WEP? Who, in turn, may get some good advice and do a feature on a local vet?
Replied: 22nd Aug 2011 at 13:54
For a small fee, either of us will be happy assist.
Contact either of us as soon as is humanely possible, in order for us to alert the WEP.
Many thanks,
Gwim.
Replied: 22nd Aug 2011 at 14:19
"I know the name for the 'snot gutter' in the middle of the top lip is 'the filtrim'. I'm not that clever, it was on a telly advert."
Sorry, old chap. Allow me to educate, it is called the 'philtrum'
No charge
Replied: 22nd Aug 2011 at 14:26
Replied: 22nd Aug 2011 at 14:40
I think they prefer to be called Ladies.
Are you asking me to give you a swirl?
Replied: 22nd Aug 2011 at 16:28
No wonder...etc..
If you want a job doing.
Research continues.
Replied: 22nd Aug 2011 at 16:36
Replied: 22nd Aug 2011 at 16:37
Cowlick
Answers on a postcard. Cubicle 3 etc.
Replied: 22nd Aug 2011 at 16:46
Hence my lack of reciprocation!
Replied: 22nd Aug 2011 at 16:55
Replied: 22nd Aug 2011 at 17:04
Replied: 22nd Aug 2011 at 17:13
Eeewwww a double crown - should there be a 666 in there as well?
Replied: 22nd Aug 2011 at 18:46
Half a crown's better than none
Or is it nun?
Replied: 22nd Aug 2011 at 18:53
Last edited by dustaf: 22nd Aug 2011 at 18:54:36
The Mrs keeps having a go at me because 'apparently' I 'quote too much.'
Replied: 23rd Aug 2011 at 08:07
Ooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh!
I bet she has a gun too.
Probably wouldn't let you try her hat on, either.
Replied: 23rd Aug 2011 at 16:39
Oh, I almost forgot.
The Welshmon the other girl (blonde) plus the warm-up are the three who are now in next week's final of Show Me The Funny.
Replied: 23rd Aug 2011 at 16:58
Just found this garbage on the naughty site:
As an ironmonger working for British Rail, I really need a drink some lunchtimes. Unfortunately the boss walked into the pub looking for me.
"Uh oh", I thought. "Time to make tracks"
Nowt worse than idiots trying to be clever.
Replied: 23rd Aug 2011 at 17:47
Final next week you say...let me know who wins and the winning gag. Save me a task.
Replied: 23rd Aug 2011 at 17:53
Do you remember a NTNOCN sketch featuring a dispute between a boss and a union convener where they (Union) had been claiming wages for a corpse?
"He's started to ooze"
Also something about the corpse being propped-up by a radiator.
May have been print-workers. Was at a time when 'Chapels' were very strong.
See FP's rubbish thread on 'General'.
Replied: 23rd Aug 2011 at 18:01
Last edited by dustaf: 23rd Aug 2011 at 18:15:09
Replied: 23rd Aug 2011 at 18:14
Replied: 23rd Aug 2011 at 18:42
I've given up trying to book tickets for the virtual Elvis show. The automated booking line is a nightmare and i'm not getting anywhere.
It's 1 for the money...
2 for the show...
Replied: 23rd Aug 2011 at 19:40
Will you put something worth reading on the general board?
Replied: 23rd Aug 2011 at 19:56
Pssst....Want to see my Elephant impression?
Replied: 23rd Aug 2011 at 20:28
Will you put something worth reading on the general board?
I'm not sure that I want to. I quite like it here. You've done it out rather nicely. Far from being a harsh place, it has become quite chintzy. In fact, I'd go as far as calling it nice and cosy and obviously you don't seem to have your usual stalker problem.
Hey:
We could share welding tips.
Or even call ourselves The Argonauts.
You can be Jason, if you like. 
Replied: 24th Aug 2011 at 15:20
Replied: 24th Aug 2011 at 15:24
Gayson and the Argonauts eh!....
Which Argonaut can I be?
The stalker is floundering on Sports. Shame eh!
Replied: 24th Aug 2011 at 15:36
Well, which Argonaut can I be, Gayson?
I may wish to be Castor, the other one is a load of Pollux.
Or maybe Philias, although my memory is a little foggy on him.
Replied: 24th Aug 2011 at 15:52
Can't you at least do a caption comp or summat>It really is dire reading...Don't use an obsure pic though, use a decent one... Maybe one similar to, but not, this.
Saw a chameleon today.
So I guess it's safe to say it was a pretty poor chameleon.
Replied: 24th Aug 2011 at 16:01
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 24th Aug 2011 at 16:13:10
Obsuce?
Periklymenos
There's a mouthful.
I googled.
Replied: 24th Aug 2011 at 16:10
I misspelled Obscuse is all...
O - Obscuse
To be both obscure and obtuse simultaneously
- ob•skewse / adj
What a grotesque hæmangioma you have there, must be a superficial angiomatous nævi to leave you that fugly...
Changed the spelling of the word to assist your mental calculations...Should have used it on the Word a day thread first.
Replied: 24th Aug 2011 at 16:13
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 24th Aug 2011 at 16:15:13
Gawd bless yer.
I'm working on a caption comp.
Not easy. I usually use accidental finds. Preferably old B&W ones.
Replied: 24th Aug 2011 at 16:23
I went round for a home visit at a psychic's house.
Useless so and so wasn't in.
Replied: 24th Aug 2011 at 16:30
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 24th Aug 2011 at 16:35:41
Could you GET any more obscure?
Replied: 24th Aug 2011 at 16:40
It is how my mind works. I'd just been reading about backstabbing on another thread.
Replied: 24th Aug 2011 at 17:07
I was reading a thread about Big Ben on another thread and thought of you
Replied: 24th Aug 2011 at 17:15
Is there a monocle in there? Would it make the pic of the clock clearer?
Replied: 24th Aug 2011 at 17:18
You need it, (According to rumour!)
Replied: 24th Aug 2011 at 17:38
Replied: 24th Aug 2011 at 17:45
You use binoculars to be able to see this. more clearly.
Replied: 24th Aug 2011 at 18:03
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 24th Aug 2011 at 18:40:28
Fix it, coolie.
There was a quip on the naughty site (yesterday), about a fellow's grandad looking at Frencmen in the war. Seems the got smaller, the more he looked.
Replied: 24th Aug 2011 at 18:28
Fixed...
Feel free to elucidate?
Replied: 24th Aug 2011 at 18:41
On here, I mean.
Not the way you use them.
Replied: 24th Aug 2011 at 18:58
So have I...In fact, I used it first.
Replied: 24th Aug 2011 at 19:16
Replied: 24th Aug 2011 at 19:18
So you did.
What do you want a round of applause?
Replied: 24th Aug 2011 at 19:30
I very nearly asked if you would like the proverbial
TIG +ve
Or is it -ve?
I wouldn't know, not being a real welder.
Replied: 25th Aug 2011 at 01:01
Much prefer about 60/40 % DCEN/DCEP for solid penetration.
Replied: 25th Aug 2011 at 07:51
I've come down with the flu.
One mate told me to take Strepsils but they didn't work.
Another said to suck on a Fisherman's Friend. But I just live so far from any waterway.
Replied: 25th Aug 2011 at 08:12
The Mrs just bet me that I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti, You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
Replied: 25th Aug 2011 at 08:15
Replied: 25th Aug 2011 at 13:33
Replied: 25th Aug 2011 at 14:40
Another clever dicke makes a foolof him/herself:
US - Army of half a million with access to nuclear weapons, airforce, tanks and heavy weapons....no result in Korea
Libya - Fleet of Toyota Pickups with shotguns welded to the back...
Enough said
Replied: 25th Aug 2011 at 15:50
My mate knocked on my door at 3am this morning.
He was standing in my porch dripping wet and shivering.
I said, "What the heck are you doing?"
He said, "I've had a row with the wife, do you mind if I stay here for the night?"
I said, "Of course not mate, wait there and I'll grab you a quilt."
Replied: 25th Aug 2011 at 15:59
My wife's boss phoned me today.
He said, "Is Helen there?"
I said, "She's in bed mate, unfortunately the alarm didn't go off."
He said, "Can you wake her up?"
I said, "No, and neither can the fire brigade."
Replied: 25th Aug 2011 at 16:15
They all laughed with Christopher Columbus, when he said America was round
Replied: 25th Aug 2011 at 16:44
"Dear, why are there broken condoms on our couch?"
"Dave...
Would you please call our children by their names."
Replied: 25th Aug 2011 at 17:02
They're not all planks on there.
Crennelations and merlots!! I can't stop shouting out the architectural features of castles, I think I may have turrets
Replied: 25th Aug 2011 at 17:36
Upon receiving my new Thai Bride, I was appalled by the warning that came with the instructions: -
"This product may contain nuts"
Replied: 25th Aug 2011 at 20:29
My daughter walked into our bedroom last night to catch us having sex.
"What are you doing?" she asked in shock.
"Making you someone to play with," I said.
"A brother?" she asked excitingly.
"No, a cousin," I replied. "Now go and watch out for your mother coming home."
Replied: 26th Aug 2011 at 07:37
I refuse to let my son become a mime. It's frightening how many of them end up on the street.
Replied: 26th Aug 2011 at 15:20
Philosophy Degree
Here's a question to ponder: What's the sound of no hands clapping?
Your parents after you tell them they just spent £28,000 for nothing.
Replied: 26th Aug 2011 at 15:26
I refuse to donate to animal charities when I've seen their adverts on TV. If they can't turn a talking dog into a money making machine then they don't deserve my help.
Joke by buddy_millet in Other - Charity - Added: 2 hours ago - Current Score: 10.4
Very poor rip-off of one of the Show Me The Funny ones from last night.
The warm up chap won.
You missed nowt.
Replied: 26th Aug 2011 at 15:30
Are you angry as it's a poor rip-off or due to its content, Dustaf?
Replied: 26th Aug 2011 at 16:11
The fact that it is a rip-off, Jo Anne.
I don't suppose you are familiar with the site a lot of this stuff comes from, there is some vile filth on it, but also some good stuff.
However, what annoys me, is the way it appears folk submit stuff to the site after receiving texts etc. from folk who have lifted jokes from the site in the first place.
Replied: 26th Aug 2011 at 16:44
Last edited by dustaf: 26th Aug 2011 at 16:47:04
Thanks, Dustaf.
Replied: 26th Aug 2011 at 16:50
You're welcome.
Incidentally, I have no qualms about nicking stuff from the site (nor would it seem, has Gwim) and putting it on here.
I suspect some of the more 'descent' members of WW have parental controls etc in place and would not care to see the majority of the jokes.
Gwim seems happy to select the 'pick of the day'.
Some time ago I started a thread called 'On The Trail Of Gwim'. This contained jokes nicked from the naughty site. I did it to expose him as the charlatan he is.
Replied: 26th Aug 2011 at 16:58
"folk submit stuff to the site after receiving texts etc. from folk who have lifted jokes from the site in the first place."
Now where do I see that sort of thing happening a lot?
Replied: 26th Aug 2011 at 17:04
Replied: 26th Aug 2011 at 17:04
Now where do I see that sort of thing happening a lot?
Eastenders?
Replied: 26th Aug 2011 at 17:05
Gwim introduced your sort to the site, the site he is a founding member of, as well as a founding member of it's parent site, he'll have you know.
A bomb has gone off in Nigeria. I hope the prince that e-mailed me hasn't been hurt, his family has been through enough already.
Replied: 27th Aug 2011 at 10:54
As my fianceé walked gracefully down the aisle, every head turned and watched the trail of white flowing behind her.
"You might want to pull that bit of toilet roll out of your knickers love," I said, "We're about to touch down in Crete".
Replied: 27th Aug 2011 at 13:05
Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today."
"You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession," said the sheik, then he turned to the first man and asked him what he did for a living.
"I'm a Soldier," said the first man.
"Then we will shoot your penis off!" said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.
"I'm a firemen," said the second man.
"Then we will burn your penis off!" said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"
The third man said with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop man".
As an aside, My mother used to be a Lollypop Lady.
She didn't help Children to cross the road, she was tall and thin with a round, sticky head.
Replied: 27th Aug 2011 at 15:48
"Gwim introduced your sort to the site, the site he is a founding member of, as well as a founding member of it's parent site, he'll have you know."
I'll tell you what, Squire, Elizabeth's comment about railings made me laugh more than anything I read on there (naughty site) this this week. She certainly put the 'Show Me The Funny' final to shame too.
Replied: 27th Aug 2011 at 17:02
Two friends friend went moose hunting every winter without success.
Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him."
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"
The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."
Replied: 28th Aug 2011 at 12:02
I've got a bird that can predict the future.
It's an omen pigeon.
Replied: 28th Aug 2011 at 12:11
See that moose joke. When I wrote a version of that on WW I customizez it.
But hey, there's nowt wrong with copy & pasting.
How's the partworks doing? I gave you a plug on 'general'. You may have preferred a bung though.
Replied: 28th Aug 2011 at 16:19
Are you posessed?...Type English, man!
Replied: 28th Aug 2011 at 20:03
Replied: 28th Aug 2011 at 20:17
Are you from the land called Gibber?
Replied: 28th Aug 2011 at 20:35
Someone has made a right horlicks of one on your site:
A lady dwarf went to the doctors and said, "Doctor everytime it rains, whilst I'm off at the shops, I put my wellies on
Joke by SuperDudee in Illness and mortality - Dwarfism - Added: 23 hours ago - Current Score: -2.8
I think I typed a proper version of that one on WW
Replied: 28th Aug 2011 at 20:46
Replied: 28th Aug 2011 at 20:51
I am ex[pected to trawl theough tripe to discover an unfummy joke now is it?....
Not my site, I was merely in at it's inception, then was banned for a while.
Replied: 29th Aug 2011 at 16:45
unfummy
How can you say/type that if you haven't read it?
The point is, the poster practically gave the punchline away in the set-up.
Now see you, see me? I allegedly get all my knowledge from google.
I'll admit to gleaning stuff from there. I do quite a bit of gleaning from time-to-time. You see, I am one of those people who know how to look-up words in a dictionary. Obviously 'some people' wouldn't know where to start.
Anyroad, to get to the point.
I do have a modicum of respect for you and I am happy to presume that you would have no trouble googling that bodged joke if you so wished.
In fact, I've just tested google and it is still there for all to see. Obviously, I am not going to give a step-by-step guide to how to find it, as I shouldn't like some people learning how to google and being as clever as me.
Banned, you say.
Heavens to Betsy, you must have posted some right pony on there to be in bother.
No wonder..etc..
Unless you really are a wrong un?
Replied: 29th Aug 2011 at 17:06
Last edited by dustaf: 29th Aug 2011 at 17:30:49
Just had a glean and discovered Betsy Rue.
Replied: 29th Aug 2011 at 17:43
So Beyonce and Jay-Z are having kid. Wow, that kid will have everything. Except a last name.
Replied: 30th Aug 2011 at 16:14
So I was taking the train into work this morning and the woman next to me said "Can you back off a little and stop rubbing against me?"
At first I was a little offended but to be fair we were the only two in the carriage.
Replied: 30th Aug 2011 at 16:14
I was walking on the beach, just behind a German couple
After a while I said to them 'hey, you lost something!'
'waz hev ve lost den?', the man said
'The War! Twice!', I said
Replied: 30th Aug 2011 at 16:16
I'd ban whoever just posted this:
My great,great,great,great,great grandad was Admiral Nelson.
I can`t believe he started car insurance.
It's featured on an advert for that fellow who talks like something daft.
Replied: 30th Aug 2011 at 16:30
Lee Nelson said it on his new BBC3 show. It's well good.
Replied: 30th Aug 2011 at 16:35
I don't fancy it. His 'accent' irritates. (Only seen adverts)
Though I suppose that is the point. Is he ridiculing softlads?
Replied: 30th Aug 2011 at 16:46
Yes, he takes the michael out of people very well.
Only odownside is the fat sod who sits on a couch every week, constantly eating.
Give it a try, took me two shows/episodes from the last series to enjoy it.
Replied: 30th Aug 2011 at 17:15
I may just do that.
Didn't realise there had been a previous series.
Replied: 30th Aug 2011 at 17:32
A clip
Give it a couple of goes, the series, not the clip. It's better than the programme with Jason Stamford in it, you actually laugh, you see.
Replied: 31st Aug 2011 at 10:19
Son comes into room at night "Daddy, there is a monster in my room."
Dad: "Really, what does it look like?"
Son: "It's got big sharp teeth and red eyes"
Dad: "Sod off, I'm going in there then"
Replied: 31st Aug 2011 at 10:21
Is Siadwell still afraid of the Fffffffffffffffff?
Replied: 31st Aug 2011 at 10:56
As of last video, yes. I do wish he would return with more insightful thoughts and comments.
Replied: 31st Aug 2011 at 11:43
I was in Toys'R'us today when I noticed a really long queue.
I asked a member of staff, "What's happening there mate?"
He said, "That's the Barbie queue."
Then like a fool, I stood in it for forty five minutes waiting to get a burger.
Replied: 31st Aug 2011 at 16:27
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 31st Aug 2011 at 16:37:29
I waited forty minutes, then an extra five for sauce.
Replied: 31st Aug 2011 at 16:37
I walked into the bedroom with a jar of honey.
"Oooh, Are you going to smear it all over my naked body?" asked my wife. "That's a bit kinky!"
"Daft bint," I thought, "I'm just going to use you as bait to try and get rid of that wasps nest."
Replied: 1st Sep 2011 at 13:43
BBC News : Woman walking dog killed by cow.
Why the heck was she walking a dead dog?
Replied: 1st Sep 2011 at 19:35
Replied: 1st Sep 2011 at 21:54
One time, I was walking up an escalator and I tripped.
I was falling down the stairs for one and a half bleedin' hours.
Replied: 2nd Sep 2011 at 10:33
I'm sure by now everybody remembers what happened around ten years ago this month and was a massive shock to everyone...
England beat Germany 5-1.
Replied: 2nd Sep 2011 at 18:28
I saw it.
Not much cop on there this last few days.
Replied: 2nd Sep 2011 at 18:42
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is Little Johnny on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the Little Johnny, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Little Johnny replies, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
Little Johnny takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humouring Little Johnny, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
Little Johnny continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the Genitalia underneath the horse, instead of on top."
Replied: 2nd Sep 2011 at 18:58
Do the one about the little girl with the dog pulling her 'fire truck'.
Replied: 2nd Sep 2011 at 19:09
GIRL:
I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!
DOG:
My dog always barks when there's someone at the door.
I don't know why, as it's never anyone for him.
PULLING:
A girl was 'fondling me' the other day when she looked up and said, "My God, you've got an enormous penis!"
"You're pulling my leg!"
FIRETRUCK:
Ok, so my neighbours officially hate me. Me and a few mates were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were roasting marshmallows and stuff when suddenly we hear sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us. So we all went running to see what was up, and our neighbour's house was on fire!
Well, when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever..
Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire....
Talk about bad timing...
Replied: 2nd Sep 2011 at 19:16
Oh, Gwim, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a
student on 31p-a-pint night.
Replied: 2nd Sep 2011 at 19:48
What can possibly go wrong at a playground?
Replied: 3rd Sep 2011 at 10:40
Beyonce's baby is due in February. Which means we only have 6 months to wait and see what all the newborn kids on council estates will be called next year.
Replied: 3rd Sep 2011 at 11:41
Gwim.
I watched that Lee Nelson programme.
Bit of a curate's egg and I really cringed in some places. Especially when he was getting furtive with the girl sat next to her father. but I suppose that is what he (Nelson) is all about.
The obstetrician feature generated some real belly laughs.
Speaking of which, they could do without the fat lad. the 'peer pressure' thing had the hallmarks of a braying mob happy to see some unfortunate suffer.
I'll certainly give it another look.
Replied: 3rd Sep 2011 at 15:02
I did say the fat bloke is rather irrelevant, no need for him to be there bar as a foil.Glad you enjoyed it, he is more hit than miss.
Replied: 3rd Sep 2011 at 18:03
I liked his banter with the Australian girl.
A clever lad who can act daft. Makes a nice change from daft lads trying to act clever. (Les Dawson piano syndrome)
Replied: 3rd Sep 2011 at 18:26
I also had a good laugh at a bit of 'The Navy Lark' this week.
Engine Room (19:00)
Can't beat a bit of lavatorial humour.
Ronnie Barker played Mr Queeg.
Replied: 3rd Sep 2011 at 19:32
Last edited by dustaf: 3rd Sep 2011 at 19:40:39
I shall listen to it (again) on the morrow.
Used to enjoy the radiogram with the grandparents on a Sunday aft.
Replied: 3rd Sep 2011 at 20:55
I had sex with a Greengrocers slutty Daughter once...
She gave me her peas.
Replied: 3rd Sep 2011 at 21:01
I was just viewing a woman's profile on a dating website:
Blonde 33 From London Great Personality 5ft 3 Green Eyes.
Don't get me wrong, I like short birds, but 3 green eyes?
No wonder she can't find a bloke.
Replied: 4th Sep 2011 at 12:19
'I had sex with a Greengrocers slutty Daughter once...
She gave me her peas.'
Obviously none too liberal with her dad's apostrophes either.
Usual suspects...etc..
Replied: 5th Sep 2011 at 01:04
Singular. Tsk!
My mate was the fittest person I knew. He went to the gym Seven days a week. He entered Ironman contests, he even did back to back marathons once.
Then one day he went for a jog in the park and BANG!
He met a girl, got married...
...and now he's a fat slob just like the rest of us.
Replied: 5th Sep 2011 at 07:58
I see you've blown your cover.
It was only a matter of time.
Replied: 5th Sep 2011 at 13:46
That's you telling folk that is.
Mind, I don't care. Benny off Crossroads is brighter than it.
Replied: 5th Sep 2011 at 14:55
Stop your bleating.
You'll be saying it was me that 'outed' you next.
No wonder...etc...
Didn't benny go for a spanner, never to return?
Google time.
Replied: 5th Sep 2011 at 15:04
I now work in road surfacing but maintain my interest in golf and do a little acting from time to time.
My partner Dave and I collect Japanese porcelain curios and matchboxes.
I divide my time between Stevenage, Blackpool, Gibraltar and Horsham.
I no longer gamble but still succumb to the other vices from time to time.
Although people still think of me simply as “Benny”, that was many years ago now
From here
I'm sure he went for a spanner.
Replied: 5th Sep 2011 at 15:24
BUGGER
Characters were also said to vanish without trace and no-one would notice.
In 1967, the coffee bar manager went to get some sugar and was never seen again.
However, Henry added that the story about his own year-long disappearance, when he supposedly popped out to get a spanner, was a "myth".
"The story was based on a joke anecdote I once told in a radio station interview - but it never actually happened," laughed Henry.
Here
Replied: 5th Sep 2011 at 15:27
Oh, this is right up your street this is, just because you had a crush on Amy Turtle!
Benny did run away. He became a miserable little scrote with no life and even less money, he changed his name to *****(stalker) and learned to type badly on forums such as Wiganworld.
Replied: 5th Sep 2011 at 16:06
Replied: 5th Sep 2011 at 16:38
Is that erm....Miss Diane?...OR Amy bowt Makeup or tabard?
Replied: 5th Sep 2011 at 16:43
Yes.
There was a rather bonny woman in the re-hash, if memory serves.
Gabrielle Drake
Replied: 5th Sep 2011 at 16:50
What lovely eyes
Anyhoo, back to the senseless lest I shake my fist at the monitor...
Science shows that owls have the sharpest hearing on the planet.
They have clearly never tested a man watching porn whilst his wife is asleep.
Replied: 5th Sep 2011 at 17:10
Going off some of the nakky pics available of Ms Drake, gravity seems to have frequently got the better of her clothing.
Replied: 5th Sep 2011 at 17:16
I shall, for the sake of research of course, google said female...
Replied: 5th Sep 2011 at 17:27
Beautiful Woman...Isn't time such a cruel Mistress.
Replied: 5th Sep 2011 at 17:28
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 5th Sep 2011 at 17:35:36
Aye.
See also Diana Rigg.
Oooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!
Replied: 5th Sep 2011 at 17:33
No, I refuse...I can see her now in her catsuit, all leathered up....Back in a while, time for a cold shower.
Replied: 5th Sep 2011 at 17:36
Typing of catsuits, I was spotted in a gay bar recently, and was mortified when some chick walked in wearing the same leopard skin catsuit.
Replied: 5th Sep 2011 at 17:56
Just been googling Customs Officers' (blouses).
Found this
Yon mon looks well dodgy.
Replied: 5th Sep 2011 at 18:58
Replied: 5th Sep 2011 at 19:20
News : 'Man Attacked Doorman With Axe'.
Attacking a doorman is one thing, but attacking a doorman that's got an axe?
Hats off to the bloke.
Replied: 5th Sep 2011 at 20:26
Tried to find that Public Info film with the mad, bad axeman at the front door.
(Green Door tune)
No luck, but found this mon
Replied: 5th Sep 2011 at 20:42
Last edited by dustaf: 5th Sep 2011 at 20:44:30
Alas, poor splashers. I knew them, well.
Replied: 5th Sep 2011 at 20:57
Expect complaints from prigs and prodnoses.
Mind you, that doesn't seem to happen here on 'Handbags'
Comon sense prevails?
September explanation:
Failing the ability to google 'Vintner', borrow a dictionary.
Here's another helpful hint:
Start reading from the back pages, you'll get to it sooner.
Replied: 6th Sep 2011 at 00:49
Last edited by dustaf: 6th Sep 2011 at 00:54:09
I know what a vintner is you pilgrim...It's a merchant of wineage.
How very dare you, raising the tone on here!
Replied: 6th Sep 2011 at 08:22
The clue was for the fly on the wall, not you, Coolie.
However, I must admit to using a bit of poetic licence. Well that's my excuse for not knowing spellage.
Vintner = Biggest whine merchant this side of Calais.
I shan't bother giving a September explanation of 'poetic licence' as I'm sure 'most people' will get my drift.
Replied: 6th Sep 2011 at 13:27
Never mind all that.
'Start reading from the back pages, you'll get to it sooner.'
That explains this.
Replied: 6th Sep 2011 at 14:01
The Vintner was embarrassed, and was hiding in the Disco Tent.
Very early 'I'm Sorry I haven't a Clue':
"Now, Will: the vintner in the disco tent may glow some more at this sorra joke"
or summat like that.
Replied: 6th Sep 2011 at 14:13
I see...Whine!....
Must have his own whingeyard.
Replied: 6th Sep 2011 at 14:40
Hope for your sake he doesn't read this thread again, I heard he has been working out with the intention of lending you his clenched hands.
Replied: 6th Sep 2011 at 15:32
A man goes to the doctors. "I think I'm a Tyrannosaurus Rex" he says.
"Hmm," says the Doc, "stand up and open wide"
The man opens his mouth as wide as he can.
"Good, good. Now touch your toes, please" says the Doc
"Are you taking the mickey?" says the man. "With these arms?"
Replied: 6th Sep 2011 at 17:59
I've been driving a fork-lift for the last thirty years.
The wife keeps nagging me to buy a hatchback
Replied: 7th Sep 2011 at 10:01
Went to the barbers today and asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise, the barber gave me a booster cushion to sit on.
Replied: 7th Sep 2011 at 11:51
If I had a pound for every time I was told that I wasted time collecting useless statistics, I'd have 637 pounds
Replied: 7th Sep 2011 at 17:21
"In't it dark in here?"
Not to mention claustrophobic.
Replied: 7th Sep 2011 at 19:57
I finished filling up the car with petrol and went to the til, "That's £60 please, how will you be paying for that?"
I replied, "Well I've sold a couple of things."
Replied: 7th Sep 2011 at 20:01
Have you thought about getting a 'daily' in?
I do. Frequently.
Replied: 7th Sep 2011 at 20:24
As well as a 'daily' out! You filth monger
Replied: 7th Sep 2011 at 20:52
Damned coolie. You know what I mean.
A woman what comes and does for you.
Note: In the nineteenth century, the charlady worked for weekly wages and usually came and went on a daily basis.
Replied: 7th Sep 2011 at 21:11
If a jobs worth doing, get a woman in?
BRIAN, BAN EMANCIPATION, TAKE THEIR VOTES AWAY!
Replied: 7th Sep 2011 at 21:16
Replied: 7th Sep 2011 at 21:51
3001
Well done to all concerned!
Replied: 7th Sep 2011 at 21:54
My job is so unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:
First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless.
The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on make-up.
She is extremely self-centred and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself.
She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.
The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet.
Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10.
I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.
But the jewel in the crown has got to be the stoner. This guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work.
He probably hasn't been sober any time in the last ten years, and he's only 22.
He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big dog to work.
Every day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke.
Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonald's and Burger King, every single day.
Anyway, I drive these Wastrels around in my van and we solve mysteries and stuff.
Replied: 7th Sep 2011 at 21:56
I know.
I've let you down. I've let WW down. Most of all, I've let myself down.
Where do you draw the line. Ignore idiots? Drop to their level (in which case they've won)?
I'm often reminded of the scenarios where a little lad in a playground will take a swipe at a big lad, safe in the knowledge that the big lads daren't be seen to retaliate.
If they do, they are 'big bullies'. Thus, the little lad continues with impunity. Considering himself bulletproof.
I must read the instruction book for a Morse pump.
Replied: 7th Sep 2011 at 22:01
dustaf - I may have a change of avatar
to a real pussy you mean?
I am very sorry, I couldn't resist, please don't be mad
Replied: 7th Sep 2011 at 22:04
SEE!
If I'd wrote that, yon mon would be demanding (again) that I be banned.
No worries VG.
Replied: 7th Sep 2011 at 22:06
I've quit my new job as a postman.
They handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought: "This isn't for me."
Replied: 8th Sep 2011 at 11:37
Just sen this:
On a scale of Wayne Rooney's face during the English national anthem to an All Blacks during tha Haka, how little does representing your country mean to you?
Replied: 9th Sep 2011 at 15:17
My wife sent me to Tesco this morning with a shopping list as long as my arm.
Three cucumbers.
Replied: 9th Sep 2011 at 15:42
I was driving along when dustaf said, "What are those rumble strips for on the road?"
I said, "They're to let blind driver's know they're coming up to a roundabout."
He said, "That's a good idea."
Replied: 11th Sep 2011 at 15:39
Gone quiet in here.
A bit like Marie Celeste. (Ship, not one of the coolie's 'men-friends')
Half a glass of milk stout on the table. Gwim's Babycham glass knocked over. Half eaten box of Milk Tray chocolates.
A whiff of Turkish cigarettes.
I wonder if he's been abducted?
Replied: 13th Sep 2011 at 15:29
A likely tale and no mistake. As you jolly well know, I came round to your house on Saturday evening to pick up that £2.50 you owed me, you invited me in for a moment whilst you broke into your Landlady's piggy bank. I walked into the lounge and a dozen men leapt out of the wardrobe I was shocked, and cried out, "Bugger me".
Just been released from Hospital with painkllers.
Replied: 13th Sep 2011 at 15:49
Any more of your indiscretion and I'll tell The Narnia Boys where you live.
Replied: 13th Sep 2011 at 15:54
PROOF.....I was attacked by 'men' brandishing banarnias!
Replied: 13th Sep 2011 at 16:04
Did they smell of these?
Replied: 13th Sep 2011 at 16:07
Did they smell of these?
Replied: 13th Sep 2011 at 16:07
I woke up this morning to the smell of burnt toast, which I once read was a sign of having a stroke.
I was really worried, so I hurried downstairs to tell my wife, and found she'd collapsed on the floor whilst making my bacon toastie.
So that was a huge relief.
Replied: 13th Sep 2011 at 16:54
I finished the bacon sarnie before administering a glass of water to her face. I needed a drink of tea, you see.
Replied: 13th Sep 2011 at 17:11
You,ve not just let WW down, you've let me down, and most of all you've just let yourself down.
You were supposed to type:
I HAD TO MAKE DO WITH CORNFLAKES!
It was a sitter.
I could have then responded with som nice pictures of those bonny 'Special K' ladies.
Replied: 13th Sep 2011 at 17:30
The bacon on toast was completed, brown sauce with no reduced salt to taste was all that was req'd.
Can't be seen to be wasting good food!
Replied: 13th Sep 2011 at 17:34
She is, she won't be collapsing in a heap whilst on catering duties any time soon, rest assured!
Replied: 13th Sep 2011 at 17:57
I can't find that pretty young thing in the Special K advert.
Bloke was moaning to camera about how she'd borrowed his razor to shave her legs etc.
She just paraded around saying nowt. (very nice too)
Possibly set in a beach hut.
The implication conveyed, seemed to be that he wouldn't kick her out of b........................
No wonder...etc..
Replied: 13th Sep 2011 at 18:04
Replied: 13th Sep 2011 at 18:13
Coincidentally, I'd just found this.
But thanks anyway.
Replied: 13th Sep 2011 at 18:18
Seen it eh!...
Just had a cracking wheeze for a money making venture if you're interested. We can go on that Dragons den and you can use your charms on the delectable Hilary Devey and make her invest in our 'Air freshener for a pushbike'. An added incentive is it can be used on tandems and even Motorbikes.
Are you in?
Replied: 13th Sep 2011 at 19:49
dustaf 15.29 - reminded me of a film noir clip from Harry and Paul with the landlady at the BnB.
ps was beginning to think that Twaddle had moved over to General.
no wonder....etc...
Replied: 13th Sep 2011 at 19:59
'Twaddle' is Gwims 'safe place'. He avoids his stalker here. I was worried about him for a while, VG.
Air freshners are no longer needed. Similarly with ashtrays.
Bloody smoking ban.
Replied: 13th Sep 2011 at 20:24
"Sir, you have a case of premature ejaculation."
"I know," I replied. "Can I take it on the plane or not?"
Replied: 14th Sep 2011 at 10:55
Replied: 14th Sep 2011 at 14:07
Certainly in the case of the Pem Butcher.
Replied: 14th Sep 2011 at 16:44
Some terms are really misleading.
I went into the changing room several times.
It was still the same.
Replied: 15th Sep 2011 at 12:56
I knocked on a bloke's door earlier and said, "Have you lost a cat?"
He said, "Yes."
I said, "Black & White?"
He said, "Yes."
I said, "I've just seen it."
He said, "Whereabouts?"
I said, "Follow me."
I walked up the road, pointed to a tree and said, "There, on that bleedin' poster."
Replied: 16th Sep 2011 at 10:54
Recently watched the first Rising Damp episode.
Rigsby was holding the ever-docile Vienna. (Black & White Cat)
He tried to put Phillip off occupying the room he was initially given by saying it was haunted etc.
He (Rigsby) quickly ruffled Vienna's hair and said, "Look even the cat's hair is on end".
Cat didn't look too pleased.
Left me wondering if Vienna was doped?
Replied: 16th Sep 2011 at 17:24
Look what I just found.
See 05:34
In't google great?
Replied: 16th Sep 2011 at 17:31
Last edited by dustaf: 16th Sep 2011 at 17:32:15
Had a right laugh watching that.
I read an interview with James Bolam (likely lads) several years ago and he was asked how he started out in comedy acting and he said that he used to work for and Insurance Company and the guy who sat next to him was Leonard Rossiter and to pass the time they used to crack jokes and dream of working in comedy.
Replied: 16th Sep 2011 at 19:17
Comedy turned out to be the best policy for them, Veg Grower.
Replied: 16th Sep 2011 at 19:22
Last edited by jo anne: 16th Sep 2011 at 21:24:25
'When The Boat Comes In' James Bolam, is frequently re-shown on 'Yesterday' usually try to watch, still enjoy, even though I have seen it loadsa times.
Replied: 16th Sep 2011 at 21:22
Watched a film with Mr. Bolam in it, very early 1950's.Serious chap. Liked him in everything he did, even Only when I laugh.
Replied: 16th Sep 2011 at 22:06
My mate asked me, "Have you ever had magic mushrooms?"
I replied, "No, but I once had a cucumber that could do card tricks."
Replied: 17th Sep 2011 at 11:53
What's the difference between Fernando Torres and Wayne Bridge?
John Terry appreciates Wayne Bridge's missus.
Sports, maybe?
Replied: 19th Sep 2011 at 13:05
A woman comes home and finds her hubby in bed with a female midget. Furious, she screams, "You promised me you wouldn't cheat on me again!" The hubby replies, "COme on, love, can't you see I am trying to cut down!"
Replied: 20th Sep 2011 at 14:20
Not big and not clever.
No wonder... etc..
Replied: 20th Sep 2011 at 14:36
My stalker went into a bank, and the bloke behind the counter asked him "Have you got any ID?"
My stalker replied "About what?"
Replied: 20th Sep 2011 at 15:29
Moriarty:
Do not worry, my little friend.
Seagoon:
I wasn't worrying your little friend. The man I addressed was a tall, perpendicular cretin reclining on a loaded pogo stick and carrying a stringless banjo for protection. Aloud: (Clears throat) Who are you?
Moriarty:
My card.
Seagoon:
The ace of spades!
Moriarty:
Yes! I am a man of many parts.
Seagoon:
They don't seem to be working very well.
Replied: 20th Sep 2011 at 15:47
Seagoon:
My name is Neddie Seagoon. I was in London one day in a gay, laughing mood. You see, I'd just seen my mother-in-law safely under a steamroller and was about to tip the driver, when...
The Secret Escritoire
Replied: 20th Sep 2011 at 16:35
Bowt looking, was Seagoon Mr. Milligan perchance?
Replied: 20th Sep 2011 at 17:21
I looked, it was.
Absolute Genius.
[Edit - Not me, Mr. Milligan. God rest his troubled soul]
Replied: 20th Sep 2011 at 17:22
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 20th Sep 2011 at 17:23:13
Seagoon was Sir Harry Secombe, as he was later named.
Agree about Milligan. Another tortured soul who continues to spread joy.
Replied: 20th Sep 2011 at 17:34
Your turn to start a nonsense thread now.
Call it Balderdash, or Bunkum. (Or similar. Well, not similar as that would be just silly, but similar)
Replied: 20th Sep 2011 at 17:37
Why not?
I've got just the word from a Porridge Christmas special.
Goon Show
Replied: 20th Sep 2011 at 17:44
Replied: 20th Sep 2011 at 17:48
The Mrs had a 'near death' experience last night.... Silly cow thought she could Hoover while the football was on
Replied: 22nd Sep 2011 at 10:08
My mum puts the cat out in the garden when it brings dead birds home.
But when I do it she phones the police.
Replied: 22nd Sep 2011 at 10:09
Women, always check the colour of your bicycle seat.
Replied: 22nd Sep 2011 at 13:29
Replied: 22nd Sep 2011 at 13:31
Reminded me of this mon.
Think it was Gwim who posted about him on here.
Replied: 22nd Sep 2011 at 15:23
Last edited by dustaf: 22nd Sep 2011 at 15:51:47
Redneck Inventions Men, typical tsk
Replied: 22nd Sep 2011 at 15:44
What colour is your Bike seat, Vg?
(Psssst , dustaf's is pink, with a splash of red on the end.)
Replied: 22nd Sep 2011 at 16:50
You have a banana seat.
Do the young people still have ape hangers and banana seats?
Replied: 22nd Sep 2011 at 16:54
We gather round in gangs outside the local spar, haranguing the elderly and kicking the sticks from under the infirm before wheelying away on our grifters, peals of laughter ringing in our ears.
Replied: 22nd Sep 2011 at 17:40
I haven't heard/read anything about those 'Mosquito' devices lately.
Replied: 22nd Sep 2011 at 17:48
Nor I. Mind, I haven't been in a spar shop in over ten years. I once saw the proprieter of my 'local' spar in asda buying cases of beer/coke, etc. He then stocked his own shelves with said items and put a large mark up on them. I don't even use petrol stations with a spar shop on them.
Replied: 22nd Sep 2011 at 18:39
Replied: 22nd Sep 2011 at 18:40
I thought Twaddle had been consigned to the archives
Now that dustaf has his 'nice new thread'
Replied: 22nd Sep 2011 at 23:28
I like to dabble now and then.
Sometmes I just post on here instead.
Replied: 23rd Sep 2011 at 09:17
I'm wondering why The Spigot Monk coerced me into starting that new thread.
He's probably hiding stuff on there.
Eurrrrghhhhhhhhhhh!
I feel used and contaminated.
Replied: 23rd Sep 2011 at 13:22
Now look here!
Replied: 23rd Sep 2011 at 13:32
Nahhhhhhhhhh
That's just a woman (Bonny though she is) in fancy dress
Replied: 23rd Sep 2011 at 13:38
Certainly not!
Causes much confusion on Boxing Night.
Replied: 23rd Sep 2011 at 19:27
Think outside the box, Dustaf.
Replied: 23rd Sep 2011 at 19:54
Oh, I try, Jo Anne.
I'd never heard of Amy Pond until I began researching Policewomen.
Replied: 23rd Sep 2011 at 20:00
Amy's very beautiful.
I think she left for good last Saturday though. I watch Doctor Who.
Replied: 23rd Sep 2011 at 20:03
I couldn't tell you when I last watched it, Jo Anne.
Long before it was scrapped, prior to being reinstated.
I think I may have given up when Sylvester McCoy or Colin Baker got involved. Not that I was its biggest fan.
Replied: 23rd Sep 2011 at 20:14
When I was young it was Tom Baker - but I thought Christopher Eccleston was the best - shame he only did one series.
Replied: 23rd Sep 2011 at 20:51
Admittedly, I took a peek after the young lady in question was said to be wearing very short skirts.
I was appalled for five minutes or so!
Replied: 23rd Sep 2011 at 21:00
She's a hotter copper than Bernard Cribbins
Replied: 23rd Sep 2011 at 21:09
He made an excellent station master.
Replied: 23rd Sep 2011 at 23:52
Silly boy.
Perks was not as perky looking as Pond.
Replied: 24th Sep 2011 at 14:05
Replied: 24th Sep 2011 at 14:25
Replied: 24th Sep 2011 at 15:19
She (JA) appeared in Red Dwarf as a Professor somebody or other. Kryten's creator.
Not a bad looker but I think she may have appeared of Vic Reeves' werepig list.
Google time.
Replied: 24th Sep 2011 at 16:02
Replied: 24th Sep 2011 at 16:09
Werepig gets a nasty/filth result on one dictionary.
Reeve's and Mortimer discussed people with slightly porcine noses.
This lady, for example
I can't remember who they listed.
Replied: 24th Sep 2011 at 16:09
Replied: 24th Sep 2011 at 16:17
Guess which locals?
Feels rude to be commenting about folks conks. After all, I'm no oil painting, myself.
Replied: 24th Sep 2011 at 16:34
Feels rude to be commenting about folks' conks
I'd turn my nose up at such behaviour.
Replied: 24th Sep 2011 at 17:11
Nice one, Jo Anne.
Did you see QI last night?
Apparently, if you ask a Frenchman for a double entendre, you'll be out of luck.
Replied: 24th Sep 2011 at 17:51
Out of luck is one thing.
But, out of character is quite another.
Replied: 24th Sep 2011 at 18:35
I tried to, but I couldn't stop myself...
I asked a frenchman if he wanted a double entendre, he said he didn't know what they were, so I gave him one.
Replied: 25th Sep 2011 at 10:16
I didn't hear that.
(I missed QI the other night.)
"double entendre" literally means "double heard".
'The phrase "double entendre", although taken from the French, is no longer part of the French language. Instead, they would say "double sens" or "double entente" ("double meaning").' (From www.qi.com Forum)
'we often impute sauciness to the French where none is intended ... even ooh la la! (that touchstone of Gallic naughtiness) has no such connotations in France, when it might be used as "Crikey, that was a close shave" (accompanied by a sharp intake of breath and a downward flicking of the hand).' (Telegraph Article)
Replied: 25th Sep 2011 at 10:46
Last edited by jo anne: 25th Sep 2011 at 10:49:54
En suite is another.
According to Mr Fry.
Replied: 25th Sep 2011 at 17:09
He is starting a new five poart series entitled, 'Planet Word' soon. He will probably be looking in here to glean some info.
Replied: 25th Sep 2011 at 20:49
Wonder how long he'd last.
Coche for Mr Fry.
I know he has his own taxi. (I googled)
Replied: 25th Sep 2011 at 21:01
He drove through the US of A (South) in his black cab. I watched it.
His prog is on bbc2 now.
Replied: 25th Sep 2011 at 21:10
I thought my girlfriend might be 'The One', but after finding police, nurse and maid uniforms in her wardrobe, I realised she can't hold a job down.
Replied: 26th Sep 2011 at 07:40
Replied: 26th Sep 2011 at 07:57
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 26th Sep 2011 at 07:58:56
Anyone want to buy my bike?
Replied: 26th Sep 2011 at 08:01
Eeewwwwwww - first thing on a Monday morning as well.
Replied: 26th Sep 2011 at 10:30
What?..It comes with it's own stand is all!.
Replied: 26th Sep 2011 at 16:09
I've just seen a supernova...
It had alloy wheels and everything.
Replied: 26th Sep 2011 at 19:06
Did you know when Michael Jackson used to wear pyjamas, he liked to wear adult tops, but squeezed into kid's bottoms?
Replied: 27th Sep 2011 at 08:13
Replied: 28th Sep 2011 at 09:59
On the bus?
I know a girl who got on the bus too.
Replied: 28th Sep 2011 at 13:50
fancy a game of 'arrers?'
Replied: 28th Sep 2011 at 16:57
I was going to ask if you meant double top.
But I won't.
Replied: 28th Sep 2011 at 18:26
she looks like she's got a couple of ostrich eggs down her front
Replied: 28th Sep 2011 at 18:44
Are you suggesting she is 'fake' ?
Expose her, VG!
Replied: 28th Sep 2011 at 18:57
I am sure my sister would love to as she 'bats for the other side' if you know what I mean
Replied: 28th Sep 2011 at 19:10
I am remonded of my favourite movie, Lesbian lavatorial lust!
Replied: 28th Sep 2011 at 19:11
For months and months I had to put up with the constant sound of my Siamese twin nagging me to give my consent to an operation to separate us.
In the end I agreed to it just to get him off my back.
Replied: 28th Sep 2011 at 19:11
As Tonker and Jim would say:
Siamese Twin, no wonder...etc..
Replied: 28th Sep 2011 at 22:17
Just because we never went to Siam.
CONJOINIST!
Replied: 29th Sep 2011 at 08:30
My Mrs. burst into the bedroom wearing a naughty nurse's outfit last night.
"Do you need medical attention?" She winked.
"Yes! Yes I do," I replied. "I've got erectile dysfunction."
"Ooh," she giggled. "And when did this start?"
"About 30 seconds ago," I replied.
The bruising will start to fade in a few days.
Replied: 29th Sep 2011 at 08:40
What did the naughty nurse have to say about this?
You really should stop taking things from washing lines.
Replied: 29th Sep 2011 at 13:16
I foresaw your idea....Premonition me up.
Replied: 29th Sep 2011 at 15:59
A man walked into the vegetable section of his local supermarket and asked for half a head of lettuce. The boy working there told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy asked his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some scrote wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager found the boy and said, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?"
"Originally from Essex sir," the boy replied.
"Why did you leave Essex?" the manager asked.
The boy answered, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Essex."
"No way!" the boy replied. "Who does she play for?"
Replied: 29th Sep 2011 at 18:19
Last night, after accidentally eating a fly, in the vein of the nursery rhyme,
I ate a spider, a bird, a cat, a dog, a goat, a cow and a horse.
Or, as it's more commonly known, a kebab.
Replied: 1st Oct 2011 at 07:15
The Mrs and I decided to go out for a night on the tiles last night, We walked past a swanky new restaurant in the Centre of Chester. "Did you smell that food, it smelt incredible ?"she commented I agreed, the smells were delicious. Being the nice guy I am I thought "Sod it I'll treat her" So we walked past it again.
Replied: 2nd Oct 2011 at 10:07
Replied: 2nd Oct 2011 at 17:44
When my mate told me he had built an award winning statue out of animal waste I didn't believe him.
Then I saw it and was totally amazed.
It really was the bogs dollops.
Replied: 3rd Oct 2011 at 08:15
BBC NEWS: Plane in Australia hits ferris wheel.
Police say the pilot is slowly coming round.
Replied: 3rd Oct 2011 at 08:29
Classic clip from an episode of Bottom.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vyf2B5n_B2s
Not linked, as Eddie uses a naughty word, similar to 'bollards'.
He then tones his language down and exclaims:
"Blood and stomach pills"
I've mentioned them on here before.
The pills, not the bollards.
Replied: 3rd Oct 2011 at 14:32
(Pssst, the plane hitting the ferris wheel is true....see...
[
Replied: 3rd Oct 2011 at 15:06
You scoundrel.
Expect complaints.
I really like the 'set' in theat Bottom episode. Often wonder if it was made for the job or parts of an actual wheel.
Suspect the former. If so they must have put some work into it.
Replied: 3rd Oct 2011 at 15:12
Hmmm, bit of scaffolding and one seat, hardly going to make Warner Bros quiver now is it....I do hope our epic is going to have better theatricals!
Replied: 3rd Oct 2011 at 15:14
saw the ferris wheel footage on the news yesterday.
dustaf - love Bottom - also the episode with Richie dressed up as Death and the Hammersmith Riots and the Gas Man one where they try and tap into Brian Glover's Gas supply.
Replied: 3rd Oct 2011 at 19:39
VG, you and Dustaf have something in common then...He also likes Bottom.
Replied: 3rd Oct 2011 at 21:20
I get all the best women at swingers parties.
That Ferrari keyring was the best £1.50 I've ever spent.
Replied: 4th Oct 2011 at 08:09
A man goes into a shop.
Man: I'd like a packet of helicopter flavour crisps please.
Shopkeeper: Sorry, I've only got plain.
Replied: 4th Oct 2011 at 10:35
@ 21:20
Credit where it's due.
GIT!
Best be careful, or we'll be sent on some 'Awareness course' or other.
As someone born pre 1980, I'm thinking of setting-up an 'Awareness Of Awareness Courses Course'.
I'm struggling to get funding though.
Replied: 4th Oct 2011 at 13:54
you could always do a Duke of Edinburgh course on it.
Replied: 4th Oct 2011 at 16:07
Scares me that some organisations are now 'Institutionally Politically Correct'.
Bullying little nobodies seem to have free reign.
Replied: 4th Oct 2011 at 16:13
Last edited by dustaf: 4th Oct 2011 at 16:13:50
Don't get me wrong. I think problems needed/need to be sorted. But I do think some slime balls have taken the opportunity to become worse than those they would protest against, whilst appearing legitimate and being almost bulletproof.
Same sort of folk who would have enjoyed grassing-up Jewish neighbours in another time and place.
Replied: 4th Oct 2011 at 16:38
'Some people' on here would be happy to do just that.
Replied: 4th Oct 2011 at 17:04
Replied: 4th Oct 2011 at 17:35
Replied: 4th Oct 2011 at 18:45
Imagine Dustaf's disappointment when he realised his spelling error upon opening the door to his male order bride.
Replied: 4th Oct 2011 at 20:19
I just walked into my house to find my wife laying dead on the floor.
Next to her is some sticky tape, a lolly stick, some ribbon and a piece of string.
I really don't know what to make of it.
Replied: 5th Oct 2011 at 08:29
How long is the lolly stick?
I'm ok for ribbons.
Replied: 5th Oct 2011 at 14:19
7.21 mm. It has a joke along one side.
The joke reads, ' who tells Chicken jokes?'
'A comedihen'.
Replied: 5th Oct 2011 at 14:37
7.21 mm?
I'd need a magnifying glass to read the joke.
Do try again.
Replied: 5th Oct 2011 at 15:04
Replied: 5th Oct 2011 at 15:07
Do forgive me, I meant cm rather than mm.
Replied: 5th Oct 2011 at 15:55
Mind, I was talking to a 'companion' of yours Yesterday. He said he had a ice lolly pushed in his bottom. and it was fab.
Replied: 5th Oct 2011 at 15:58
Keith Chegwin got a Zoom round Arkwright's.
Mester Joseph met him (Keithy) in The Grand Arcade.
Replied: 5th Oct 2011 at 16:03
Replied: 5th Oct 2011 at 16:23
Mate, you're in luck, Wall's ice cream have just released their new ice lolly for 2010, and its window flavoured, your favourite!
(Well, 'Some people's' favourite, anyway)
Replied: 5th Oct 2011 at 16:43
Mind, I'm sat here eating warm value coleslaw with an ice cream lolly stick. I'm not saying I'm poor, I'm Jewish.
Replied: 5th Oct 2011 at 16:44
Wall's ice cream have just released their new ice lolly for 2010,
Check your facts, Coolie.
And expect an invitation to a course.
Replied: 5th Oct 2011 at 16:53
Apologies once again. In my excitement, I inadvertantly mistyped the year,. I shall away to don my hair shirt and flagellate for eleven minutes. I do hope this punishment meets with your needs.
Replied: 5th Oct 2011 at 17:14
Speaking/typing of wrong years:
The term you referrred to with the ice cream comment was recently used on TV. Inspector George Gently (Goodbye China).
Not one I use, but I don't think anyone was using it in the 1960s.
Replied: 5th Oct 2011 at 17:27
Last edited by dustaf: 5th Oct 2011 at 17:40:28
Not sure what you mean, old sport,
I never did like ice crean anyway.
Replied: 5th Oct 2011 at 17:33
Windowlicker
Not a term I'd heard until a few years back.
Replied: 5th Oct 2011 at 17:38
Just been typing to one on General.
Replied: 5th Oct 2011 at 17:48
I can't believe Wiki put that up about 'windowlicker' - I honestly thought it was just a Northern made up derogatory term I didn't realise it was 'national'. A very disturbing pic to go with it.
Replied: 5th Oct 2011 at 23:48
I didn't tip the waiter at the Indian restaurant. Bad korma
Replied: 6th Oct 2011 at 06:57
Replied: 6th Oct 2011 at 14:38
Bet they won't be chilli for a while.
Replied: 6th Oct 2011 at 14:42
I got disqualified from a lolly licking contest.
I sucked at it.
Replied: 6th Oct 2011 at 15:30
Got that 'Lollygobblechocbomb' tune in me yed now.
Replied: 6th Oct 2011 at 15:33
You should be referred to the Chemical tampering dept. you should!
Replied: 6th Oct 2011 at 17:52
Help yourself
Plenty more where that came from.
There's gallons of it on google.
Replied: 6th Oct 2011 at 17:59
Why would someone steal my broken calculator?
It just doesn't add up
Replied: 7th Oct 2011 at 09:28
A couple were dining in a fancy restaurant when the waitress spots the man sliding under the table whilst the woman seeming totally unconcerned.
As he slid completely under the table, the waitress went across and quietly whispered to the woman "Excuse me but your husband has just slid under your table".
"Oh no he hasn't" said the woman " He has just walked in."
Replied: 7th Oct 2011 at 13:34
I've just watched a DVD about greed, evil, the failure of man and the cruelty caused by a ring.
I hate my wedding video
Replied: 7th Oct 2011 at 18:31
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Replied: 8th Oct 2011 at 15:25
A Genie asked me
"Do you want a long penis or a good memory"
I forget my response.
Replied: 9th Oct 2011 at 10:00
I took a painting I found in my loft to the Antiques Roadshow. The expert inspected it and said...
"You have heard of Vincent Van Gogh, haven't you?"
"Yes I have" I said excitedly
"He wouldn't have wiped his a**e with this cheap sh17e" Replied the valuer
Replied: 10th Oct 2011 at 08:41
As my wife and I dropped our son off at school, she handed him his Thomas the Tank Engine lunchbox and kissed him on the forehead, we then watched him as he skipped through the gatesswine," I muttered.
"You're always so hard on him," said my wife.
"Well come on," I replied, "What kind of example is he setting to the other teachers?"
Replied: 11th Oct 2011 at 08:17
I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
Replied: 11th Oct 2011 at 09:51
There is a guaranteed way to get what you want... want less.
Replied: 11th Oct 2011 at 17:14
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 11th Oct 2011 at 18:18:15
If someone calls me fat, I don't get angry. I just turn the other chin.
Replied: 11th Oct 2011 at 17:16
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 11th Oct 2011 at 18:17:54
Multiple images on a page 17:14 & 17:16
Replied: 11th Oct 2011 at 18:05
I walked into my doctor's office and said,"Doctor, I've eaten something that disagrees with me."
A voice from inside my stomach said, "No, you haven't."
Replied: 11th Oct 2011 at 18:18
Have you seen that trick Rob Brydon does.
Makes his voice sound like it's a little chap speaking from inside him.
Replied: 11th Oct 2011 at 19:00
No, show me, aaaaah go on, go on, go on go on, go on, go on, go on go on, go on, go on, go on go on, go on, go on, go on go on, go on, go on, go on go on, go on, go on, go on go on, go on, go on, go on go on, go on, go on, go on go on, go on, go on, go on go on, go on, go on, go on go on......
Replied: 11th Oct 2011 at 19:08
Try
'Rob Brydon - Small man trapped in a box'
Not linking to it as if features that buffoon Ross.
Replied: 11th Oct 2011 at 19:36
Here. Sans Woss.
Replied: 11th Oct 2011 at 19:54
Did you see him and Coogan in The Trip? I thought that was hilarious - Coogan doing Stephen Hawking - really loved that production.
Replied: 11th Oct 2011 at 21:13
Saw a litle bit of it, but wasn't too taken.
Replied: 11th Oct 2011 at 21:38
yes you were, he was behind you.
Replied: 11th Oct 2011 at 21:39
Morwenna Banks looked good in Saxondale.
Replied: 11th Oct 2011 at 21:49
Morwenna Banks in't Nack apparently.
Replied: 12th Oct 2011 at 08:00
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 12th Oct 2011 at 08:01:18
I hate it when my son asks for help with his homework.
Last night he said, "Dad, what's French for white?"
My mind went blanc.
Replied: 12th Oct 2011 at 08:01
I got into a fight with a ripped body builder, I surprised myself by giving him a bit of a pasting.
What kind of poofy name is Jodie anyway?
Replied: 12th Oct 2011 at 13:13
Just got engaged to a pencil. Can't wait to introduce everyone to my wife 2B.
CHEEEEEESE!
Replied: 12th Oct 2011 at 17:08
Replied: 12th Oct 2011 at 21:12
What is the difference between Elton John and a Bee?
One is a giant queen who thrives on the sticky nectar of a pansy.
The other is a flying insect.
Replied: 13th Oct 2011 at 08:08
I just phoned my doctor for my STD results.
I said, "Hi Peter, do you have my results?"
He said, "Yes, it's not the best news you could've hoped for, I posted them yesterday."
I said, "First class?"
He said, "No, Facebook."
Replied: 13th Oct 2011 at 14:37
Hippocratic oaf.
(A cracker, Veg Grower.)
Replied: 13th Oct 2011 at 14:42
Last edited by jo anne: 13th Oct 2011 at 15:13:01
My Welsh mate was found dead yesterday.
He died the way he would have wanted to go...
He passed away peacefully in his sheep.
Replied: 13th Oct 2011 at 15:05
My boss phoned me today.
He said, "Is everything okay at the office?"
I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped."
"Can you do me a favour?" he asked.
I said, "Of course, what is it?"
He said, "Hurry up and take your shot, I'm behind you on the 7th hole."
Replied: 13th Oct 2011 at 15:24
I've been watching the Woman across the road for weeks now, and noticed she leaves a crack in her curtains so she could be easily seen getting dressed naked.
I'm going to have to alert her before some pervert notices this.
Replied: 13th Oct 2011 at 16:41
Replied: 13th Oct 2011 at 17:20
shows how cunning cats are
you get more love from a dog
Replied: 13th Oct 2011 at 19:13
I got home from work today and the place smelled like cr*p.
It was probably my own fault for leaving the Glade plug-in on setting number two.
Replied: 13th Oct 2011 at 21:32
How many French men does it take to change a light bulb?
I give up.
Replied: 14th Oct 2011 at 07:56
I killed a mime the other day.
I shot him using blanks
Replied: 14th Oct 2011 at 10:33
So Gandhi can sit on the floor half-naked all the time and starve himself, but when my wife does it it's "clinical depression?"
Replied: 14th Oct 2011 at 12:26
I wonder what she has in her left hand?
Replied: 14th Oct 2011 at 14:09
I was reading a sign on the motorway which said "Pay attention to the road at all times" when I rear-ended the car in front.
Replied: 14th Oct 2011 at 17:15
I took my new girlfriend home to meet my parents, we had a lovely evening and after she'd gone, my dad leaned over and said "Son, I think this one's a keeper."
"Awww dad, what makes you say that?"
"She smells of elephant poo."
Replied: 15th Oct 2011 at 18:04
WARNING - contains upsetting scenes*
This is one lucky man. Sadly, the other driver died.
Replied: 15th Oct 2011 at 18:22
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 15th Oct 2011 at 18:24:52
Quite shocking - not for the faint hearted - what a shame.
Replied: 15th Oct 2011 at 18:47
When people with lisps say "Bithneth", you know they mean business.
Replied: 16th Oct 2011 at 10:49
'Here at Argos we're making Christmas cheaper for you as we've got 25% of all hoovers' brilliant! That's the wife, sister and mum sorted.
Replied: 16th Oct 2011 at 20:32
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest willy she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."
Replied: 17th Oct 2011 at 08:02
The English couple held ransom in Somalia are to release a DVD next week detailing their horrific ordeal.
Cheeky gits want £19.99 for it.
I think I'll get the pirate copy.
Replied: 17th Oct 2011 at 08:06
gwim - when people with lisps say "Bithneth" you know they mean business.............
like Chris Ewbank?
Replied: 17th Oct 2011 at 14:07
Maybe it should read 'pathifitht' - I'm getting a bit carried away...............
Replied: 17th Oct 2011 at 14:36
As if the lad's not got enought trouble.
Cue an OAH clip.
Replied: 17th Oct 2011 at 14:41
Replied: 17th Oct 2011 at 14:45
Pugilitht
I'll give you what for in a minute...Well, some seconds.
Replied: 17th Oct 2011 at 16:03
Ooohhh!
There's a lovely picture of a young lady in similar attire on the back of a bus. Or at least there was. Advertising a local gym.
I didn't get the registration number of the bus.
Replied: 17th Oct 2011 at 17:46
Don't give Registrations out, or the Policeman will hit you with his truncheon.
Replied: 17th Oct 2011 at 17:49
Longest tricycle ride I've had for ages.
Replied: 17th Oct 2011 at 17:58
Following on from my pirate comment earlier, I ought to say that my pirate ship does 96 miles to the galleon.
Replied: 17th Oct 2011 at 18:25
Didn't sound as good, 83 and a half knots an hour.
Replied: 17th Oct 2011 at 20:41
"I'm prescribing you these suppositories," explains the doctor, "simply insert them every morning."
"Empty stomach?"
"No, I don't think you have to push them that far in."
Replied: 17th Oct 2011 at 20:42
I can't stop crying because the fruit in my orchard isn't blossoming.
I need to grow a pear!
Replied: 18th Oct 2011 at 08:17
My mate walked into the pub with his new bird.
He smiled smugly and said, "This is Julie, I bet you can't guess what site I found her on?"
I looked her up and down and said, "A building one by the looks of it."
Replied: 18th Oct 2011 at 08:17
As I stepped out of the house earlier today, the old guy next door said, "Morning cock."
"No," I replied, "It's just my mobile phone in my pocket."
Replied: 18th Oct 2011 at 12:22
Two social workers come out of the pub and see a guy lying on the pavement covered in blood and groaning in agony.
"Crikey!," says one of them as they walk past, "whoever did that really needs help ..."
Replied: 18th Oct 2011 at 14:50
*[WARNING. contains rude words*
Primary School Children Writing About The Sea.
1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)
4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
5) A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)
6) My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs. (Emily Burniston age 5)
7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.
(Becky age 8)
13) On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny (Julie age 7).
Replied: 18th Oct 2011 at 15:18
I'm going to see Jo Brand tomorrow night.
My plan is to knock on her front door and tell her she's a cr*p comedian
Replied: 19th Oct 2011 at 08:13
It took me ages to learn to say hello to my Native American friend, but it's easy when you know How.
Replied: 19th Oct 2011 at 11:56
I used to be a huge fan of Robocop and now I've just been fitted with a robotic leg.
Oh the iron knee.
Replied: 19th Oct 2011 at 16:51
How do you make a tortoise fast?
Don't feed him.
Replied: 20th Oct 2011 at 08:13
Replied: 20th Oct 2011 at 16:14
At last, after years of atrocities and the appalling treatment of millions, it's over. Details are still sketchy, but finally...
...Westlife have split up.
Replied: 21st Oct 2011 at 08:29
Its a feature of some pondlife to do so.
Replied: 21st Oct 2011 at 12:10
My mate and I spotted a woman going past in the pub.
"I'd give her one" I said.
"I heard that!" she shouted, stomping over. "Have you two saddos got nothing better to do than sit there perving at girls?"
"You misunderstand," I said, "we're picking out the ones who could do with a gastric band."
Replied: 21st Oct 2011 at 12:48
So, Muammar Gadaffi has finally been killed.
Let's just pray he doesn't come back as Gadaffi the White.
Replied: 21st Oct 2011 at 17:25
Just finished watching the video of Colonel Gaddafi and its safe to say that I am disgusted..
240p render quality, I mean I knew the rebels where under equipped but jeeez..
Replied: 21st Oct 2011 at 17:27
Replied: 21st Oct 2011 at 17:29
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 21st Oct 2011 at 17:30:02
Go on, I'll ask.
What's all that ^^^ about?
Replied: 21st Oct 2011 at 17:43
My neighbours are getting really stressed out because I keep indulging my window fetish.
I feel their pane.
Replied: 22nd Oct 2011 at 15:53
Replied: 22nd Oct 2011 at 16:08
He's got a lot of vouchers.
Or he did have.
Replied: 22nd Oct 2011 at 16:31
No such thing as free Lunches in this day and age.
Replied: 22nd Oct 2011 at 18:34
I felt cr*p this morning. That is the last time I buy Tesco Value toilet paper.
Replied: 23rd Oct 2011 at 20:37
Liverpool, Arsenal and Chelsea fans celebrating the fact that Manchester City beat Manchester Utd is like celebrating when another man gives your wife an orgasm because you couldn't.
Replied: 24th Oct 2011 at 08:40
My neighbour keeps threatening to cut my ears off.
The Police are charging him with making deaf threats.
Replied: 24th Oct 2011 at 15:59
Hitler, THERE was a painter! He could paint an entire apartment in one afternoon! TWO COATS!
Oops, wrong theread.
Replied: 24th Oct 2011 at 16:38
Not wishing to ruoin a thread, I put that quote on here.
'The Producers'
Peter Kay appeareed in a stage-show of that.
They made a big song and dance about it on Granada news.
Replied: 24th Oct 2011 at 19:50
My parents went to see it, Dustaf. They found Peter tried his upmost to upstage the rest of the cast and didn't enjoy it for that reason.
"Come on ya buggers!" indeed.
Is it safe here - being only a stone's throw from General.
Replied: 24th Oct 2011 at 20:05
Doesn't he always try to upstage the company?
Replied: 24th Oct 2011 at 20:14
Yes Priscus, Lucy Meacock should have slapped him.
Jo Anne, there were some nice looking Policewomen on the news last week, at Dale Farm.
At least I think they were women, I could only see their eyes.
Replied: 24th Oct 2011 at 20:18
Replied: 24th Oct 2011 at 20:29
Last edited by dustaf: 24th Oct 2011 at 20:30:32
We lived close to a caravan site when growing up, Dustaf. One day, a girl about our age, Mary, came over to play with us. When we blunderingly asked was she a gypsy, she burst into tears and said she was a traveller. I've not forgotten it.
Replied: 24th Oct 2011 at 20:30
Scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.
I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.
Replied: 24th Oct 2011 at 20:47
Innocent mistake, Jo Anne. Not a cruel jibe. Though the child had no doubt suffered such jibes. And not just from kids.
Gwim- did you ring twice?
Replied: 24th Oct 2011 at 20:54
Here's some questions for scientists;
1) If you are deep-sea diving and fart in your diving suit, does it help you to reach the surface more quickly?
2) What about if you 'follow through?"
3) Does anyone know where I can find someone who specialises in cleaning diving suits?
Replied: 25th Oct 2011 at 08:31
Filth. No wonder..etc..
Have a Deep Sea Diver Guv-nor
There's no need to do anything for it.
Replied: 25th Oct 2011 at 14:09
This is you due for a bout of sex.
Replied: 25th Oct 2011 at 14:12
I reckon you know a lot about the bends.
I know it first came about with bridge/tunnel builders.
You done any tunneling lately?
Replied: 25th Oct 2011 at 14:19
You deviant. Begone, lest I phone the Police!
Replied: 25th Oct 2011 at 16:16
Replied: 25th Oct 2011 at 16:26
A bloke says to his mate, "I tried to take my own life last night - I tried to take a thousand aspirins."
F-edited due to complaints-g hell, what happened?" asked his mate.
"I felt better after two."
Replied: 25th Oct 2011 at 16:28
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 25th Oct 2011 at 16:46:13
You missed something, Gwim.
Replied: 25th Oct 2011 at 16:36
I bumped into a fat chick in the pub last week.
"Sorry," she giggled. "I was too busy watching the game."
"United supporter, eh?" I asked.
"Yes," she giggled. "I'm Wayne Rooney's biggest fan."
"Are you sure? My wife likes him," I replied. "What do you weigh?"
Replied: 25th Oct 2011 at 16:46
Sweets?
Was she the one who worked on the sweet counter?
Replied: 25th Oct 2011 at 21:00
No, she was a fat get.
In fact, when she fell down the stairs, I thought eastenders was ending.
Replied: 25th Oct 2011 at 21:06
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 25th Oct 2011 at 21:08:22
The 'doof-doofs', as they are know to us theatricals.
Pronounced 'duff duffs'
Replied: 25th Oct 2011 at 21:11
Theatricals!...
Nearest you got to a theatre is when you were told to, 'hurry up, Luvvie'.
Replied: 25th Oct 2011 at 21:21
Replied: 25th Oct 2011 at 21:48
Last edited by dustaf: 25th Oct 2011 at 21:50:27
The noise of the sirens....
The sound of footsteps runing on gravel.....
The angry cry of an authoritative voice...."STOP, POLICE!
Replied: 26th Oct 2011 at 07:06
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 26th Oct 2011 at 07:08:57
So apparently the drummer from Blur wants to be an MP.
Yet another politician who wants to live in a house, a very big house in the country...
Replied: 26th Oct 2011 at 07:06
BBC News - 'Seven billion, but how many more? Where the world's population is heading next'
Erm...8 Billion?
Replied: 26th Oct 2011 at 07:14
I was late walking into a very important meeting today.
"Sorry boss" I said, quickly sitting down.
I put my briefcase and a doner kebab on the table and said, "Right, carry on."
My boss looked at our important clients, then he looked at me and said, "What's with the doner kebab Dave?"
I said, "Just some salad and a bit of chilli sauce."
Replied: 26th Oct 2011 at 18:39
I sat down opposite a woman breast feeding her baby in the doctors waiting room earlier.
"What you here for?" I asked.
"Its my son, he's sick," she frowned. "What about you?"
"Nothing," I replied. "I just spotted you through the window."
Replied: 27th Oct 2011 at 14:31
To neigh or not to neigh.
That is equestrian.
Replied: 27th Oct 2011 at 18:09
"Hello and welcome to the first meeting of the 'Anger Management Support Group'.
"Who wants to kick off?"
Replied: 27th Oct 2011 at 21:52
Nobody is to inadvertently give me any tips on how to turn invisible.
Do I make myself clear?
Replied: 28th Oct 2011 at 07:13
Posted by: dustaf (22390)
I know.
I've let you down. I've let WW down. Most of all, I've let myself down.
Where do you draw the line. Ignore idiots? Drop to their level (in which case they've won)?
I'm often reminded of the scenarios where a little lad in a playground will take a swipe at a big lad, safe in the knowledge that the big lads daren't be seen to retaliate.
If they do, they are 'big bullies'. Thus, the little lad continues with impunity. Considering himself bulletproof.
I must read the instruction book for a Morse pump.
Replied: 7th Sep 2011 at 22:01
Edit
Replied: 28th Oct 2011 at 21:47
Now, off my thread with your words of wisdom...
Isn't it sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels
Replied: 29th Oct 2011 at 16:45
Did he paint them?
Or were thy mail-order from Acme's theatrical backdrop department?
Or am I thinking of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?
Replied: 29th Oct 2011 at 16:49
Acme has long since ceased to trade now that the road ruinner was hit buy a car as they sped round a corner,(opposite ways, of course) whilst looking back, sneering at the Coyote.
The irony is that the Coyote also died after being struck by a passing articulated lorry some moments later as it sat
in the road, feasing on roadkill.
Replied: 29th Oct 2011 at 17:00
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 29th Oct 2011 at 17:06:26
Awwwwwwwwwwww
I liked that coyote.
No doubt so did some passing vulture.
Replied: 29th Oct 2011 at 17:04
Grrr @ break in type....I fear an edit is due...
How very queer, when I opened to edit, the break was gone...Now I see it is still there.
Replied: 29th Oct 2011 at 17:05
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 29th Oct 2011 at 17:07:18
The following questions were set in last year's GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)....... .....and they WILL breed.
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow
(simple, but brilliant)
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas
Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
Replied: 30th Oct 2011 at 20:26
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
A french bird gave me a venereal disease,
Sacre Bleu.
Replied: 31st Oct 2011 at 07:44
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 31st Oct 2011 at 07:46:45
I've never once seen a tombstone that read, "Did not forward email to ten or more people".
Replied: 1st Nov 2011 at 08:15
My new girlfriend just burst in the bedroom.
So I'm taking her back to Anne Summers tomorrow and getting my money back
Replied: 2nd Nov 2011 at 08:18
gwim you not inactive just undercover
Replied: 22nd Nov 2011 at 10:57
bb - I have been missing acivity on handbags too - used to sit there chuckling at Mac (gwim) and Dustaf many an evening.
Replied: 22nd Nov 2011 at 14:55
I get stuff censored these days, so I have to be careful.
(Some people are known to eat the placenta after the birth of their baby.
However, its essential to put it the fridge for a while before eating.
It tastes much better chilled than at womb temperature)
Replied: 22nd Nov 2011 at 15:01
I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.
"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.
"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"
"Yesterday?" I replied.
Replied: 9th Feb 2012 at 15:23
I was having a poo in work when the guy in the next cubicle said, "Do me a favour.. There's no toilet paper in here. Could you pass me some?"
"Of course mate," I replied, sliding a few sheets under the partition.
There was a moments silence as I waited to be thanked.
"Some unused ones would have been nice.
Ingrate!
Replied: 12th Apr 2012 at 13:31
Two policemen were horrified to find a number of the Northern Ireland football team playing football with a hedgehog yesterday.
They were just about to phone the RSPCA when they realised the hedgehog was beating them four nil.
Replied: 28th Apr 2012 at 14:46
Today I did that thing where you walk into a room and totally forgot what you went in for.
It was only when something started running down my leg that I remembered.
Replied: 20th May 2012 at 09:58
Last edited by Mac: 20th May 2012 at 19:48:29
Testing.
Replied: 10th Jun 2012 at 15:55
Last edited by dostaf: 10th Jun 2012 at 17:15:12
Tomorrow, I'm going to open up the time capsule I made when I was a kid.
I can't wait to see how big my puppy is.
Replied: 10th Jun 2012 at 16:56
Making love and laughter are the two things which will ensure a happy and contented life.
Unless you do them at the same time
Replied: 10th Jun 2012 at 16:56
Replied: 11th Oct 2012 at 12:43
Last edited by Mac: 11th Oct 2012 at 12:45:06
I did - although I knew what to expect - and I was correct. Tut Tut...
Replied: 15th Oct 2012 at 08:35
Our records indicate that you were once felt up by Jimmy Savile, and could be entitiled to £2147. in compensation.
Just reply, 'How's about that then' to register, or to opt out, text 'Stop Jimmy, Stop.'
(Repeated for when it is removed)
Replied: 17th Oct 2012 at 18:16
A sultry, over the shoulder stare followed by a slow, seductive lick of the lips is one of the sexiest things in the world.
Not during a rectal exam though, according to my doctor.
Replied: 31st Oct 2012 at 08:11
My doctor reckons I'm paranoid.
He didn't say it, but I know he's thinking it.
Replied: 26th Nov 2012 at 19:01
I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.
"Do you have any kids?" she asked.
"Yes," I replied, "I have one child that's under two."
She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."
Replied: 28th Nov 2012 at 12:46
"Yes," I replied, "I have one child that's under two."
But who would actually say that?
Unless the 'under two' aspect was included in the question.
Which, in this case, it wasn't.
Humiliated again sunshine.
Replied: 28th Nov 2012 at 14:40
I was merely giving the age of the Child, pre-empting any follow up questions.
Replied: 28th Nov 2012 at 14:42
Last edited by Mac: 28th Nov 2012 at 16:56:39
Hmmmmmmmmm. There's no getting out of that, is there?
Damn you.
Replied: 28th Nov 2012 at 14:44
A few months ago, a young woman offered her virginity for sale on eBay.
I won, and it was the best sex I’ve had for a long time.
Well worth the negative I got for non-payment.
Replied: 8th Jan 2013 at 09:14
I thought twaddle-ites might like to know that to commemorate the topless photos of Kate Middleton, Royal
Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs.
Replied: 8th Jan 2013 at 15:41
I can't find Kate Middleton's chesticles anywhere.
And I've got the pictures!
Replied: 8th Jan 2013 at 15:51
Replied: 8th Jan 2013 at 16:01
Since retiring from work, my mate Joe follows the same routine every night.
He puts on his 'sleeping jacket', has a cup of tea then drops off.
Often I go round to see Joseph and his amazing Tetley covered dream coat
Replied: 8th Jan 2013 at 17:09
Was just looking for a Blackadder Quote for elsewhere. (My lovely 'Wigan News' thread.
Anyroad:
From same episode, I happened upon one of my favourites.
: Right Baldrick, let's try again shall we? This is called adding. If I
have two beans, and then I add two more beans, what do I have?
B: Some beans.
BA: Yes...and no. Let's try again shall we? I have two beans, then I add two
more beans. What does that make?
B: A very small casserole.
BA: Baldrick, the ape creatures of the Indus have mastered this. Now try
again. One, two, three, four. So how many are there?
B: Three
BA: What?
B: And that one.
BA: Three and that one. So if I add that one to the three what will I have?
B: Oh! Some beans.
Replied: 10th Jan 2013 at 17:16
No. That would have been fifty seven.
Or twelvety.
Replied: 10th Jan 2013 at 17:28
Sir Edmund and his friends were without equal in their day.
Replied: 10th Jan 2013 at 17:30
I was looking for the 'Lord Melchett IS bad news' one.
SCENE 2 (The Royal Palace)
-------
M: Grey, I suspect Majesty.
Q: I think you'll find it was orange Lord Melchett.
M: Grey is more usual mam.
Q: Who's queen ?
M: As you say Majesty, there were these magnificent orange
elephants which were coming.....
BA: My Lady (Queeny screams), you wish to see me.
Q: Yes, Lord Melchett has bad news.
BA: Lord Melchett is bad news.
Q: (Laughs) No, be serious. Melchett!
M: Unhappily Blackadder, the Lord High Executioner is dead.
BA: Oh woe ! Murdered of course.
Replied: 10th Jan 2013 at 17:36
drat
/drat/
Exclamation
A mild expression of anger or annoyance: "“Drat!” said Mitchell, kicking the fence"; "“Drat you!”".
Replied: 10th Jan 2013 at 18:21
Replied: 10th Jan 2013 at 18:49
I was going to put Mr. dastardly's pic up, then chose his catchphrase instead.
Replied: 10th Jan 2013 at 19:27
Is Mitchell a friend of yours?
Sounds like a bit of a foot stamper (with hands on hips).
Replied: 10th Jan 2013 at 19:30
Just been reading through some of this drivel at the start of this thread.
What one has to remember, is that when it began, 'Handbags' was considered to be 'the wrong side of the tracks'.
So to cut out the middle man, yon mon camped out here for a bit.
Replied: 7th Feb 2013 at 21:10
Currently, three pages of the ten that make up 'Handbags' are from 2013.
Replied: 7th Feb 2013 at 21:12
Its because Politics has made steady in-roads into all the other boards - just look at the thread raised in Gareth's honour over on People.
It has somehow evolved into a Martha Stewart type lifestyle thread...
Replied: 8th Feb 2013 at 08:39
I should charge rent....Not boys, that's still your debt. YOU BEAST!
Replied: 8th Feb 2013 at 10:23
Posted by: dustaf (23042)
You're hiding from yon stalker.
Replied: 18th Jul 2011 at 20:24
Didn't really work, did it?
Replied: 8th Feb 2013 at 14:03
2. Stalker 1224 up, 553 down
a person obsessed with another to the point of insanity. I.E. following one everywhere, calling constantly, not following restraining orders, collecting their hair in shower drains
he is stalking you.
by anonymous Jun 2, 2003 share this add a video
3. stalker 715 up, 235 down
Someone who:
1. Literally follows a person's every move, on Facebook or otherwise.
2. Is way too obsessed with someone to the point of being a creeper.
Replied: 8th Feb 2013 at 14:10
Looks like a device to help choirboys and suchlike sleep safe and sound from their own temptations.
Not all have the willpower to sleep wiith their arms crossed over their chests.
Replied: 8th Feb 2013 at 14:18
I met up with this woman from the Internet, earlier. After about 5 minutes I said:
"I couldn't believe my luck when I saw your profile, we share the same hobby."
"It was a typo" she said, "actually into walking, please pull your trousers up."
Replied: 25th Feb 2013 at 16:13
when today's paper did become tomorrow's chip wrapper I always found it annoying cos when you got to the interesting bit in a story,it was wiped out by a dollop of grease.
Replied: 3rd Mar 2013 at 15:31
You were lucky.
Some very messy people used our outside lavvy.
Replied: 3rd Mar 2013 at 16:02
It stopped me licking the pencil point as I did the sudoku, I can tell you.
Replied: 3rd Mar 2013 at 16:12
Last edited by dostaf: 3rd Mar 2013 at 16:14:30
Just seen your sudoku thread, VG.
I put sudoku in my post as it hasn't been around as long as crosswords.
Replied: 3rd Mar 2013 at 16:57
Be grateful it was grease and not bum gravy like on Dostaf's toilet 'roll'
Replied: 3rd Mar 2013 at 17:36
Behave, or I shall laugh at you like you have been heartilly laughed at by some, on the Dusty Spriingfield thread.
Ruined you woz.
Ruined.
Replied: 3rd Mar 2013 at 17:39
I can't see the dribblers comments, but I can well imagine he copied someone elses comment and put hahaha after it to appear hje was mocking. Hope his medication lasts longer this time. But wait....He isn't unwell at all, it was a mistake!
Replied: 3rd Mar 2013 at 17:59
Mac fancies Dusty (2:30)
Hence the naughty expression.
Replied: 3rd Mar 2013 at 18:03
Presenters
Alan Rothwell
Nicolette Chaffey
Louise Hall-Taylor
Amanda Barrie
Julia North
(Wiki)
Amanda Barrie - Alma off of Corrie and Cloepatra in Carry On Cleo
Replied: 3rd Mar 2013 at 18:09
"Is that the best you can do you must be,
̶s̶t̶r̶u̶g̶l̶i̶ s̶t̶e̶r̶u̶g̶l̶i̶n̶ not be, able to think, of ani thig, to say"
Replied: 3rd Mar 2013 at 18:12
If I typed the expression which includes 'mop', I'd be banned.
So there.
Replied: 3rd Mar 2013 at 18:15
Sorry, that was my impression of someone bowt neck.
Replied: 3rd Mar 2013 at 18:23
That was close, I nearly threw than new name you've acquired at you.
Replied: 3rd Mar 2013 at 18:26
I've aqcuired a new name? *Flutters eyelashes*
Replied: 3rd Mar 2013 at 18:30
See another thread.
Ooops, that's torn it.
Replied: 3rd Mar 2013 at 18:35
Last edited by dostaf: 3rd Mar 2013 at 18:46:14
I'll edit my 18:35.
Don't want you being taunted further.
Replied: 3rd Mar 2013 at 18:45
You'll be accused of telling someone to hold there breath next.
Replied: 3rd Mar 2013 at 19:11
Hope his mummy forgets to say ' And in' one day soon.
Replied: 3rd Mar 2013 at 19:13
I left some Quorn in the supermarket the other day. I went back and asked, "Have you seen my vegetarian mince?"
The shop assistant replied, "No, but walk up and down and I'll give you my honest opinion".
Replied: 23rd Mar 2013 at 19:12
Last edited by Mac: 23rd Mar 2013 at 19:15:58
Repeat
And on resurrected thread.
Expect complaints.
Replied: 23rd Mar 2013 at 19:14
Look again, dickie!
It becomes slightly awkward and weird when I'm watching TV with my parents and there's a sex scene.
Why won't they leave the room while I'm masturbating?
Replied: 23rd Mar 2013 at 19:17
Posted by: dustaf (23045)
You're hiding from yon stalker.
Replied: 18th Jul 2011 at 20:24
Replied: 23rd Mar 2013 at 19:19
Pah!
Have you ever noticed how girls never go to the toilet alone?
It's because I follow them.
Replied: 23rd Mar 2013 at 19:25
A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police."
I told the officer I was being stalked and he asked if I could tell him anything about the man.
I said, "Yes, he reminds me of Leonardo Di Caprio."
Replied: 23rd Mar 2013 at 19:26
No thanks, had lamb for Tea...Lambsy...Lamb-sy!
Replied: 23rd Mar 2013 at 20:04
Them LU straphanger doingses make really nasty weapons.
Replied: 23rd Mar 2013 at 20:23
Replied: 23rd Mar 2013 at 20:25
Yes. Straphangers are the folk who hang onto them.
Unlike the wrong uns who hang onto them in another sense, to use as cudgels.
Replied: 23rd Mar 2013 at 20:30
Last edited by dostaf: 23rd Mar 2013 at 20:35:23
Visiting hooligans manage to remove them.
Replied: 23rd Mar 2013 at 20:38
Posted by: Mac (24651)
Look again, dickie!
It becomes slightly awkward and weird when I'm watching TV with my parents and there's a sex scene.
Why won't they leave the room while I'm masturbating?
Replied: 23rd Mar 2013 at 19:17
Posted by: the_gwim_weaper (24248)
Yes, Children use this site.
Replied: 15th Jun 2010 at 16:28
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 15th Jun 2010 at 16:28:57
Replied: 24th Mar 2013 at 12:29
How old does a post have to be to be necroposted?
And can you send a dead cock through the post.
Replied: 18th Jun 2013 at 19:36
Do the one about the nuns in the following car.
Replied: 18th Jun 2013 at 19:55
Such Flies as these?
Nah....I will recreate this one instead...
Fred came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Fred.'
Fred was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Fred was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Fred the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never,' said Fred.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....
"Fred, wake up! You've 'Poo'd' the bed!"
Replied: 18th Jun 2013 at 21:36
HAHAHAHA
These two nuns were driving behind Mrs Bobbit whenshe threw the member (severed, not banned) out of the window.
It bounced off the windscreen of the nuns' car.
Sister Mary- "Jay-sus, what the divil were that?"
Sister Rose- "It was an moth doings"
Sister Mary- "An moth doings!? It had a bloody big wotsit on it for an moth doings!"
Replied: 18th Jun 2013 at 21:48
I did type 'Such Flies as these?' as an clew that I had heard it.
Replied: 18th Jun 2013 at 22:07
A wife treats hubby by taking him to a Strip Club for his birthday...At The Club, The Doorman Says, "Hi Jim, How are You?"
The wife asks, "How does he know you?
Jim says, "Oh dear, I play football with him."
Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Jim?"
Jim says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts Team."
Next a stripper Says, "Hi Jim! Do You Crave the Special Again??"
The Wife storms out dragging Jim with her & jumps into a taxi...
The Taxi driver Says, "Hey Jimmy Boy! You picked up an ugly one this time...."
Jim's Funeral is on Sunday!!!
Replied: 19th Jun 2013 at 08:47
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