On The Trail Of Gwim
Sitting in my exam, the question read;
In your own words describe the events leading up to the battle of little big horn.
I wrote,
Huber tan bod shabby shab. A Ropy pop Zin. A boo boo ah boo boo
My girlfriend says the washing machine makes her pants too tight.
I think it is the refrigerator.
Started: 21st Jun 2011 at 16:51
Last edited by dustaf: 21st Jun 2011 at 16:59:17
Translated:
"Ast batter thee me"
"Aye?, thee and who's army?"
Replied: 21st Jun 2011 at 17:02
my mrs said feng shui gives you positive vibes ' so i put her arm chair in the garden
Replied: 21st Jun 2011 at 17:16
I would have thought The Refrigerator owould have slackened her pants in all honesty
Replied: 21st Jun 2011 at 17:20
Im gerrin worried about you two
Replied: 21st Jun 2011 at 17:22
What did Batman say to Robin before he got in the car?
'Get in the car.
Wheyhey! (21 hrs ago)
All pictures of a young(ish) Julie Newmar gratefully received.
Replied: 21st Jun 2011 at 17:24
So am I, she will chuck him out if she reads his abusive comments!
Replied: 21st Jun 2011 at 17:24
The shaking woman lit a final cigarette, with the knowledge that soon the knife-wielding Spaniard was going to carve her up.
At this moment she truly regretted that her one shot at time-travel had been wasted by bragging to her younger self that she quit smoking, and about a "hot date with Pablo..."
Replied: 6th Jul 2011 at 20:21
Are you familiar with the TV advert?
And I don't mean the one that offers a place for your sort to go and dress up in privacy.
Replied: 6th Jul 2011 at 20:29
Yes, the woman who goes outside to meet herself on the way back, then says don't worry, you will be slaughtered in your bed, screaming all the while, but at least your smoking addiction will be cured.
Replied: 6th Jul 2011 at 20:33
This one actually.
Anyroad, happen she'd parked her tardis up, before doing the advert and then getting killed by Pablo.
Stupid joke. 
No wonder...... etc..
Replied: 6th Jul 2011 at 20:55
Replied: 6th Jul 2011 at 21:26
that is what gene simmons said when he couldn't beat his daughter sophie at the boot camp challenge. He is out of shape and loves the refrigerator
Replied: 6th Jul 2011 at 21:34
Last edited by madamehmurray: 6th Jul 2011 at 21:37:30
She should have had a date set up with Juan (Sheet) instead - not a knife wielding maniac - just a clean kitchen fetishist (I could live with that!)
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 12:58
Them ugly women in that paper towel advert are Gwim and Steff.
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 13:02
They are indeed, I cannot lie. But wait, you fancy us both!
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 13:03
Laura Ashley printed dresses just don't do it for me! 
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 13:07
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 13:13
You have, it's in your freezer.
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 13:17
No wonder people are getting visits from the CID....etc.
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 13:21
Just hearing the sad news that the guy who featured in the original 'Just For Men' advert dyed.
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 13:46
I've been having a look at 'that site'.
One very naughty one about 'grooming' made me laugh.
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 13:56
Get your own den of iniquity, or start giving me rent!
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 14:02
I used to rent a flat above a surfing shop
Everything was above board.
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 14:06
Ever since being diagnosed with Kleptomania my life has become one long miserable battle.
If only there was something I could take.
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 14:33
Typing of freezers:
We took the mother-in-law out for tea today.
It's left loads of room now in our freezer.
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 15:00
I dream of a world without plagiarism.
Now you may say I'm a dreamer...
But I'm not the only one.
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 15:06
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 7th Jul 2011 at 15:08:06
This one of yours? :-
Whenever I go sailing I always take my inflatable pink and gold sparkly feather boa in case I fall overboard.
it's my flambuoyancy aid
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 15:31
No, that's definately yours!
In fact, I had a look at old fo-tees and discovered this one of you and Steff in your younger days off for a stroke.
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 16:16
I remember that. I caught a few crabs as I stroked.
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 16:20
Idiom:
catch a crab
To make a faulty stroke in rowing that causes the blade of the oar to strike the water on the recovery stroke.
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 16:23
I started up a dating website for chickens
I was only doing it to make hens meet
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 16:31
I bet you only earned a poultry sum, Dustaf.
What about the other chickens?
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 16:59
Left out in the cold, eh?
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 17:02
Last edited by jo anne: 7th Jul 2011 at 17:06:05
And just before I was about to tell Jo Anne that there are lots of other jokes about chickens on that filthy site.
But most of them are fowl.
See what I did there? ^^^^
Fowl - Foul
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 17:03
Booo...I am not eggactly eggstatic about this!
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 17:05
BBC News : "News of the World to close"
For sale : "Fake Sheikh"
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 17:12
Judging by the phone calls made by News Of The World workers to their relatives, I can safely tell you they're all devestated about the company's closure.
News of the World is to close.
They decided 89 pages of blank space without the adverts wasn't worth publishing
This Sunday's News of the World will be the last.
To save it press 2.
Mystic Meg didn't see that one coming
This Sunday's News Of The World will be its last ever issue.
On a brighter note, There will be a 7 day a week Sun newspaper. Which means a different page 3 girl with her bits out every day of the week!!!!!
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 17:13
Last edited by dustaf: 7th Jul 2011 at 17:17:05
Many charity organisations, including ours, dropped any partnerships/associations with the NOTW yesterday.
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 17:18
News Of The World newspaper to close
Guess they couldnt hack it
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 17:22
Never mind 200 gutted journalists - the Mock the Week staff are racking their (Dara O) brains to come up with a different theme tune!. How about:
#All the PEOPLE, so many PEOPLE#
James Murdoch has just announced that the News Of The World will be changing its name to "The Sunday Sun".
Other than that it will business as usual.
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 17:25
Last edited by dustaf: 7th Jul 2011 at 17:28:05
Ye Gods, are you and Jo anne one and the same?
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 17:28
No
So the last edition of news of the world is being printed this sunday
I only feel sorry for the people who have collected coupons for the last 15 weeks to get some hair straighteners and only had two left to collect
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 17:30
The News of the World has shut down, there goes Kerry Katona's hopes of keeping her house.
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 17:31
BBC news. The News of the World to close after Sunday, Rupert Murdoch denies The Sunday Sun will take it's place.
Although he will be launching a new paper to be produced on Sundays called The World Of news.
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 17:35
Gwim.
The 'original' repeats are coming in now.
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 17:42
Mystic Meg didn't see that one coming, eh!
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 17:44
Yip. That's been done several times. As has K Katona. (No Pun intended)
And Mock the Week tune.
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 17:45
And we are expected to beleive that Murdoch and his Tart did not know what what was going on!
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 17:47
Aye. Now, how far have you got?
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 17:47
Me?
I was looking when the closure was posted on WW.
Then the NOTW ones started appearing.
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 17:49
Surely these daft sods must know the jokes they have been texted probably originate from the site in the first place?
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 17:52
They will be deleted soon, not to worry
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 17:54
I wouldn't mind if they were refined as time passed. But they seem to weaken. Like third generation photocopies.
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 17:56
I like this new one:
I'm going to lose a serious amount of weight next weekend.
I'm a paperboy.
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 17:58
I know the poster, his name is Russell.
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 17:58
Sadly, this one doesn't really work:
I was devastated to hear that the News of the World is closing down.
How will I keep tabs on Cheryl Cole now?
She gets where nit oil can't
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 18:00
It's a rehash of the Jordan's breast size one.
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 18:01
SEE YOUS, SEE THEM DAFTIES IN RAMPTON, THAT'S YOU LOT THAT IS. AWAY AN BILE YA HEADS YA BAMSTICKS.
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 18:17
Couldn't agree more, Shug.
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 18:18
Last edited by joseph 1: 7th Jul 2011 at 18:20:40
I understood him perfectly, you see I have visited our poor relations not too long ago. I loaned them some money as well!
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 18:19
I'd tell the shouty man to 'Away and raffle himself'. But I fear he may have been on the Bucky and get nasty. So I won't.
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 18:20
Wasn't he that pict who used to cause bother on here before?
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 18:21
A tip, dick. Stop snivelling and grow up, you haven't much time left.
OR...
Here's a radical thought..Use the ignore feature.
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 18:26
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 7th Jul 2011 at 18:29:05
Is that so, Brian?
And why 'ignore', when you are having fun?
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 18:28
Last edited by ruddy duck: 7th Jul 2011 at 18:33:33
Guten Abend, meine Damen und Herren, all is well with the Wiganworld I am seeing, Ja? In my hometown of Wemmetsweiler it is good you should come visit our website Wemmetsweilerworld.und dash.
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 18:50
I am Balthasar not Bathhouse, I cannot keep apologising for the war. It was not my fault I just helped out now und again, but alas the krieg ist vorbei und we should all get along now, Ja? So no more of this Bathhouse business mein little schazt.
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 19:03
Typing of emmerdale, isn't that girl who was a heroin addict and now works at the factory putting five sweets in a box the most boring actress on Telly!
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 19:06
I am not knowing about this sweet factory.
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 19:10
Apologies, Balthasar. And thank you for your kind description. I am not familiar with your German tongue, but presume you meant to call me a little schatz. (I googled it)
Danke schoen. 
I could go on to explain that your name sounded a bit like bathhouse wallah at first, and I childisly succombed.
Though if I carry on it will be a case of 'Schlimmbesserung'
I learned that word on here.
Replied: 7th Jul 2011 at 20:26
Last edited by dustaf: 7th Jul 2011 at 20:37:45
I would rather be in the desert than here right now. I hate ny
Replied: 8th Jul 2011 at 01:46
I went to the worst doctor last week. I have never been so constipated.
The doctor said 'that's ironic,'cos I couldn't give a poo either'
Replied: 8th Jul 2011 at 15:12
What do all of these sentences have in common?
1) Jordan opens a door
2) Jordan buys new shoes
3) Jordan eats a bag of sweets.
They're News of the World headlines we'll never have to see again.
I went to the doctor to see if he could prescribe anything to clear up a nasty case of diorrhea that I picked up on holiday. He told me to go away and take my dripping suitcase with me.
Replied: 8th Jul 2011 at 15:14
Last edited by dustaf: 8th Jul 2011 at 15:20:55
Cant be bothered to cook anything because my heels are killing me.
That's why tranny's go to Iceland.
Were I pedantic, I'd correct the word 'tranny's' too.
Replied: 8th Jul 2011 at 19:21
"Doctor, do you treat alcoholics?"
"Why yes, of course I do"
"Great, buy me a pint, I'm somewhat skint!"
Replied: 8th Jul 2011 at 19:35
Just had a look at the statistics on obesity.
Awful figures.
Replied: 8th Jul 2011 at 20:04
I bought a packet of nuts the other day and on the back it said:
'Warning: Contains nuts'
Thank the Lord it did, I'm allergic to nuts.
Replied: 8th Jul 2011 at 20:05
I went to this posh party and everyone was drinking and knitting
I got pimms and needles
Replied: 8th Jul 2011 at 20:06
I'm just sorry the fishing one can't be cleaned-up.
Replied: 8th Jul 2011 at 20:07
A young man was walking down the riverbank when he noticed an old man sitting down some twenty feet from him. The old man then conducted some strange hand gestures and appeared to start fishing with an imaginary rod. Bewildered, the young man asked the old man what he was doing. The old man then cast out an imaginary line and replied,
"I'm (Womans part, you can see it by gaslight) fishing"
The young man was confused by this but sat down next to the old man in an attempt to spare the old fellow's feelings and seeing no harm in it, he too cast out an imaginary line.
After about five minutes of sitting in silence the young man turned to the old man and spoke,
" So have you caught anything?" the young man asked,
"Just the one" he replied.
Replied: 8th Jul 2011 at 20:10
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 8th Jul 2011 at 20:14:03
Schlimmbesserung!
Replied: 8th Jul 2011 at 20:18
Last edited by dustaf: 8th Jul 2011 at 20:31:28
I am going to take drastic action and turn my wifes life support machine off tonight.
Or the television as she calls it.
Replied: 8th Jul 2011 at 20:38
When I am bored, I quite often join the forums on lesbian websites.
It's nice to be among lick-minded people.
Replied: 8th Jul 2011 at 20:43
How many is that, now?
Anyroad, who exactly is keeping count?
Replied: 8th Jul 2011 at 20:49
Are you a 'Lead Balloon' fan, Gwim?
Replied: 8th Jul 2011 at 20:58
Last edited by dustaf: 8th Jul 2011 at 21:00:22
One Dee, two 'L's.
Replied: 8th Jul 2011 at 20:59
Sorry.
I'm just home from a dinner party where I was busy setting the word to rights.
Replied: 8th Jul 2011 at 21:13
Better that, than visiting that sordid place Gwim frequents.
Replied: 8th Jul 2011 at 21:47
Seems you have resorted to squatting there according to recent posts.
I work with a lot of women, and today they all agreed that I have delusions of grandeur.
Its probably because they all want to sleep with me.
Replied: 9th Jul 2011 at 09:19
I was told you had delusions of adequacy.
No wonder...etc..
Replied: 9th Jul 2011 at 14:02
Last edited by dustaf: 9th Jul 2011 at 14:03:57
Don't spend your money on Actimel, Senocot, Ex-Lax or other expensive digestive system remedies.
Just buy a bottle of Tesco's Economy Vodka for only £4.99.
I did and it's cleared me out good and proper.
Tesco's Economy Bed Sheets are also a bargain for just £2.99.
Replied: 9th Jul 2011 at 15:54
His work is poor these days, Mache.
For the Mrs' birthday I thought I'd get a nice framed picture of the twins.
Turns out she doesn't share my admiration for the Kray's.
Replied: 9th Jul 2011 at 16:07
I got some magic mushrooms today.
I made them disappear from ASDA and reappear in my fridge.
Replied: 9th Jul 2011 at 16:44
Best I can do Make room for the Mushrooms,They're Magic!.
Poor quality
Replied: 9th Jul 2011 at 17:01
Replied: 9th Jul 2011 at 17:15
I was tripping on some mushrooms today when I thought, "Don't they have cleaners in ASDA?"
Replied: 9th Jul 2011 at 18:16
A man walked into police station,
''Has anyone lost a bundle of fifty pound notes tied with a red rubber band?''
"Yes" said the officer "it's just been reported stolen"
''Well here is the rubber band'' said the chap.
Replied: 10th Jul 2011 at 17:29
Carole Malone writes in her News of the World Column, "For me, there has never been a time when the News of the World wasn't there."
You could have fooled me, love, it's only 168 years old.
Replied: 10th Jul 2011 at 17:51
My Son asked me where he gets his intelligence from. I said "It must be from your Mother lad, because I still have mine."
Replied: 10th Jul 2011 at 19:19
The Beckhams have just announced the arrival of their 'latest offspring, a baby girl.
They are going to call her, 'Nokia'
I think it's got a nice ring to it.
Replied: 10th Jul 2011 at 19:25
A woman in the pub last night pointed at my beer belly and said "Is that Carling or Fosters?"
I said "I'm not sure but there's a tap underneath if you want a taste"
Replied: 10th Jul 2011 at 19:26
Do the one about the woman 'flattening' her husband's belly.
Replied: 10th Jul 2011 at 19:28
You do it then...Unless you are ogling your companions tat-bleedin-oos!
Replied: 10th Jul 2011 at 19:31
What were they doing with a torque wrench? (4th pic)
Tightening her neck bolt?
Replied: 10th Jul 2011 at 19:34
Last edited by dustaf: 10th Jul 2011 at 19:56:14
See if you can find other pics of her on google, she isn't bowt metalwork around her Ladygarden area.
Mind, It isn't a pretty sight.
Replied: 10th Jul 2011 at 19:37
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 10th Jul 2011 at 19:38:25
♪♫♪♫ Mr Pierce had sticking out ears
and it made him very sy,,hy,,hyyyy.
So they gave him Medicinal Compound
Now he's learning - how to fly. ♪♫♪♫
Replied: 10th Jul 2011 at 19:41
Brian Blessed, actually.
I took your advice and googled 'metalwork around a wotsit'
Replied: 10th Jul 2011 at 19:51
Your song, I thought it was a reference to the illustrated Lady who has changed colour = lilly bowt pink.
Replied: 10th Jul 2011 at 20:08
No. Mr Pierce came to mind. I bet it's not even spelled that way in the lyrics.
Replied: 10th Jul 2011 at 20:10
Frears, apparently. Tsk at misinformation...No wonder, etc.
Replied: 10th Jul 2011 at 20:19
Anyhap. Enough of this taradiddle. How's about a nice little competition?
You may have seen similar on telly, but this fun game for all the family is better and it's not too hard (allegedly)
SPOT GWIM'S FANCY MON
Yowth #1
Yowth #2
Yowth #3
Yowth #4 (Plus bonus image of WPC)
As usual, answers on a postcard to Gwim, Cubicle 3 etc. Although he did say he would be happy to have his palms greased, if anyone chose to visit in person.
Terms & conditions apply.
No wonder...etc..
Replied: 11th Jul 2011 at 13:45
Last edited by dustaf: 11th Jul 2011 at 14:01:35
Oh, how very amusing. Why I oughta....!
Anyroadup, this is your Girlfriend.
I wouldn't like to argue with her, I heard she is hard.
Replied: 11th Jul 2011 at 14:12
Replied: 11th Jul 2011 at 14:18
Last edited by dustaf: 11th Jul 2011 at 14:18:59
I've got a friend who's half British and half Indian.
Brian.
Replied: 11th Jul 2011 at 16:57
I might call my next child after what i have on my shirt like david beckham. Welcome to the world dog poo bolognaise
Replied: 11th Jul 2011 at 19:44
What are you doing with David Beckham on your shirt?
Replied: 11th Jul 2011 at 19:50
It is a quote from that site you frequent. Isn't it?
Replied: 11th Jul 2011 at 19:54
I don't know. What am I, the news of the bleedin' world already?
Replied: 11th Jul 2011 at 19:55
Besides, houldn't you be paying more attention to Audrey Roberts just now?
Replied: 11th Jul 2011 at 19:56
I see Victoria Beckham has opted for a new name too!...
Victoria "The only way I can get into the papers now is by giving my kids a stupid name" Beckham.
Replied: 11th Jul 2011 at 20:01
"I'm David Beckham, and Harper 7 was my idea"
Replied: 12th Jul 2011 at 07:53
My mate asked me if there were a maximum amount of early 90s dance songs that I could tolerate.
I said "No no, no no no-no, no no no-no, no no, THERE'S NO LIMIT
Replied: 12th Jul 2011 at 08:14
My wife and I went to the doctor this morning for my semi annual check up.
Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you.!!
Replied: 12th Jul 2011 at 14:45
I've started a business supplying salt pepper and vinegar direct to restaurant cooks.
It's called "My condiments to the chef"
Replied: 12th Jul 2011 at 15:24
I was in London today and jumped into a black cab. I said, "Waterloo, mate."
He said, "The station?"
"Well, I'm a bit late for the war."
Replied: 12th Jul 2011 at 19:31
I've just discovered a dandelion in my garden.
He's just sitting there in a crushed velvet jacket and a floppy hat
Replied: 13th Jul 2011 at 14:13
It is odd for there to be just one if he takes pride in his appearance.
Replied: 13th Jul 2011 at 14:15
Sun news A GREYHOUND trainer got his dog to romp to victory - using VIAGRA.
You should have seen the state of the hare when he caught up to it, that image will haunt me for the rest of my life !
Replied: 13th Jul 2011 at 14:16
The look on Bugs Bunny's face when he said "Whats up doc?" and got the answer "Its myxomatosis im afraid"
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
Replied: 13th Jul 2011 at 15:01
Hi all. Just to let you know i will be in Waterstones in The Grand Arcade tomorrow between 12-2pm doing a book signing.
I havent written a book. I`m just a flippin' vandal.
Replied: 13th Jul 2011 at 15:15
Replied: 13th Jul 2011 at 15:27
That's so good, it should have a link of it's own.
Replied: 13th Jul 2011 at 15:33
I was walking down the King Street last night when this woman in high heels and suspenders approached me and asked if I'd like to sleep with her for £50.
I replied "Well I could do with the money but I'm not that tired to be honest".....
Replied: 13th Jul 2011 at 15:40
I just ate one of the keys from my keyboard
um num num lock
Replied: 13th Jul 2011 at 15:41
I nearly used that one.
Do the 'My girlfriend's a doctor' one.
Replied: 13th Jul 2011 at 15:43
No, you!...
A man goes to psychiatrist because his girlfriend thinks he is obsessed with sex. The doctor draws a square and asks the man what he sees.
"Sex," said the man.
The doctor drew a circle and asked what the man saw.
"Sex," replied the man.
So the doctor draws a picture of a triangle and asks the same question.
"Sex," said the man.
"Well" said the doctor, "you are obsessed with sex."
"I'm obsessed?" said the man. "You're the one who keeps drawing the dirty pictures."
Replied: 13th Jul 2011 at 15:48
I think there was a play on that one, with Frank Spencer and a Rorschach test.
Replied: 13th Jul 2011 at 15:50
Last edited by dustaf: 13th Jul 2011 at 15:51:56
Have I put this one up before?.
Reflexes of a cat
Replied: 13th Jul 2011 at 15:54
It was on last week I think.
Anyroad what are the latest departure satistics? I haven't heard/read anything of late.
Replied: 13th Jul 2011 at 15:56
Four in a year, three were shoved onto the bus.
Replied: 13th Jul 2011 at 15:56
Four?
You'd think there were thousands.
No wonder...etc...
Replied: 13th Jul 2011 at 15:59
Exactly. not exactly an Exodus now is it.
Replied: 13th Jul 2011 at 16:08
Replied: 13th Jul 2011 at 17:28
Cheryl Cole has come out and spoken about her outrage at the News Of The World phone hacking scandal...
"Why was my phone not hacked? Don't they know who I flipping am?"
Replied: 13th Jul 2011 at 18:31
Why do witches wear pointy black hats?,
To keep their heads warm.
Replied: 13th Jul 2011 at 18:49
Witches have pointy black heads? (I suppose the colour (Or lack of) has litttle bearing on the matter, but do their heads reach the top of their helmets?
Replied: 13th Jul 2011 at 18:51
Haha! I've just realised that both Ant and Dec are named after insects. Except Dec.
Joke by babyballoon in Celebrities - Ant And Dec - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: 8.4
Celebrities > Ant And Dec
Do dyslexic Yorkshiremen wear catflaps?
Replied: 15th Jul 2011 at 16:49
Last edited by dustaf: 15th Jul 2011 at 16:53:54
I went to the pharmacist coughing and sneezing this morning, "have you got anything for this cold?" I asked.
"Yes" he laughed, "a coat!"
Replied: 15th Jul 2011 at 17:17
Stop tandeming, coolie. There have already been complaints today.
Replied: 15th Jul 2011 at 18:12
Oooo..On what thread were the lemon suckers posting, pray tell?
No wonder Brian is having to lay trains on to take the hordes away
Replied: 15th Jul 2011 at 18:14
That's better.
With any luck, there will be an influx of bus passengers.
Replied: 15th Jul 2011 at 18:14
Answer my post then((see above)
Replied: 15th Jul 2011 at 18:15
There, that should have antagonised the little scrote.
Replied: 15th Jul 2011 at 18:22
Are you some sort of antagony uncle?
Replied: 15th Jul 2011 at 18:27
Last edited by dustaf: 15th Jul 2011 at 18:38:25
My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist £50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years.
Deirdre says:
He must be mad!
Replied: 15th Jul 2011 at 18:45
Replied: 15th Jul 2011 at 18:46
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 16th Jul 2011 at 15:45:06
Replied: 15th Jul 2011 at 18:47
Doctor says to patient in hospital, "It's good news and bad news."
"What's the bad news?" asks the patient.
"You're terminally ill and you've 24 hours to live."
"Oh no! So what's the good news?"
"Well," says the doc, "You see that sexy blonde nurse over there?"
"Yes."
"I'm in a meaningful relationship with her!"
Replied: 15th Jul 2011 at 18:56
Last edited by dustaf: 15th Jul 2011 at 18:57:11
BBC NEWS: Police say an unidentified spirit may have caused the explosion in Lincolnshire.
I reckon it was Casper...
Replied: 15th Jul 2011 at 18:59
Replied: 15th Jul 2011 at 19:00
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 15th Jul 2011 at 19:00:46
How do you get a one-armed clown off a swing?
Hit him in the face with an axe.
Replied: 16th Jul 2011 at 20:30
A woman came over to me in a club, rubbed my head and asked "Is it true, do bald men make better lovers?"
I said "I don't know. I haven't dated any"
Replied: 17th Jul 2011 at 19:23
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
"I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
"No," he insisted,
"I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied,
" now just rest and let the poison work."
Replied: 17th Jul 2011 at 19:28
I'm beginning to think that gwim is a pet snail of dustafs, how else can dastaf trail him (her)?
Replied: 17th Jul 2011 at 19:30
The title of the thread means I'm mooching around on the same website that Gwim gets his jokes from.
It is a very naghty place and I daren't link to it.
The words in red are my edits.
I don't bother editing spelling errors.
Some are just daft:
Whenever I go on a long country ramble, I always take a good reliable compass with me.
You just never know when you might need to draw a circle...
Replied: 17th Jul 2011 at 19:33
Last edited by dustaf: 17th Jul 2011 at 19:48:25
Ooops didn't mean to interrupt the jokers. I'll go and get my own ball.
Replied: 17th Jul 2011 at 20:03
Interrupt away.
Replied: 17th Jul 2011 at 20:05
Last edited by dustaf: 17th Jul 2011 at 20:07:10
Replied: 17th Jul 2011 at 20:10
Pulled into a motorway service station the other day, grabbed a Coke, a sandwich and a mars bar.
When I went to pay, I said to the cashier "Sorry, I've only got a £20 note"
"That's OK" she said, "You can always put the coke back"
Replied: 17th Jul 2011 at 20:32
I went to a cannibal dinner party last night
I had a ball
Replied: 18th Jul 2011 at 09:30
Not much worth reporting from there today (so far).
Replied: 18th Jul 2011 at 16:07
Apparently the NOTW - News Of The World is soon to be relaunched as "TSOS - The Sun On Sunday".
Personally I prefer "SPDS - Same poo, Different Shovel"....
Replied: 18th Jul 2011 at 19:52
The coolie must be part of this one:
Last night I got arrested for stealing panties off my neighbour's washing line.
I still can't believe he reported them missing.
Replied: 22nd Jul 2011 at 18:54
Ho ho, jolly well ho.
See these sides, they are under my arms!
Replied: 22nd Jul 2011 at 19:43
Last edited by the_gwim_weaper: 22nd Jul 2011 at 19:43:43
"I am a single man (30) seeking a life-partner to share my soul with. I am sensitive, caring and have a deeply loving nature. If you wish to give me your heart, I will give you mine and know that, held within your gentle hands, it will be safe for ever. No fat chicks."
Replied: 22nd Dec 2011 at 16:26
i thought you had gone awol again
Replied: 22nd Dec 2011 at 16:29
Replied: 22nd Dec 2011 at 16:31
Replied: 22nd Dec 2011 at 16:41
Last edited by manitou22000: 22nd Dec 2011 at 16:43:07
Replied: 22nd Dec 2011 at 16:53
Cheers Mani and all the best to you. I've managed to find some pics of nakky women for you, but I'd better leave them to your imagination
I'm more of an Eric than a Gordon.
"Guess who's got a new shovel?"
Replied: 22nd Dec 2011 at 17:26
i got a brush
Replied: 22nd Dec 2011 at 17:27
Replied: 22nd Dec 2011 at 17:40
I suspect Mani's brush is very old and has only had a few new heads and the odd handle replacement.
Replied: 22nd Dec 2011 at 17:46
aye yard brush
Replied: 22nd Dec 2011 at 17:52
Are you inferring Mani suffers from Premature ejaculation?
Replied: 22nd Dec 2011 at 17:53
Replied: 22nd Dec 2011 at 17:54
I did mean Trigger.
"Do they call him that because he's got a gun?"
"No. Because he has a face like a horse"
Replied: 22nd Dec 2011 at 17:57
Replied: 22nd Dec 2011 at 19:42
Resurrectionist.
Took me a moment to think what the title of this lovely thread was all about.
May explatantion.
It was an attempt to expose Gwim's pilfery of jokes from another place.
Replied: 1st May 2013 at 14:05
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Replied: 1st May 2013 at 14:09
Mind you, at least its not fri, sat or sun night
Replied: 1st May 2013 at 15:44
'some folk have awfully boring lives'
Do they sit in the pub on their own and post on here?I only know of two posters on here that do that.
Replied: 1st May 2013 at 15:49
He is still stalking me, Jay.
A criminal offence.
Replied: 1st May 2013 at 15:51
No, they sit in bed watching tv on a Friday night HAHAHA
Replied: 1st May 2013 at 15:53
Jay, jay, I thought you was supposed to be a big lad
Arrest me then, that's if you're an actual copper
Replied: 1st May 2013 at 15:58
'No, they sit in bed watching tv on a Friday'
Is this odd?You seem to have never got past the fact that it isn't 1973 and you don't have to rush down the pub.
Replied: 1st May 2013 at 16:01
No and you dont have to sit in bedsulking just because your wife wont let you out
Replied: 1st May 2013 at 16:04
How vains that, posting a picture of yourself
Replied: 1st May 2013 at 16:11
another thread wrecked by the weasel.
Replied: 1st May 2013 at 17:06
Yep, as I stated earlier, better he follows me around on here than some Children near his house.
Replied: 1st May 2013 at 17:13
Replied: 1st May 2013 at 17:21
How does the cowardly lion no how many threads, I call ruined, when im supposed to be on ignore
Another bull pooer, perhaps
Replied: 1st May 2013 at 17:30
Me lovely thread!
Ruineded! (Typed with helium assistance)
Replied: 1st May 2013 at 17:40
Replied: 1st May 2013 at 17:53
Last edited by Mac: 1st May 2013 at 17:53:41
Enough with the frivolity, lest a shunting occurs.
Replied: 1st May 2013 at 17:56
Should be in Handbags anyway, along with that Hilarious Twaddle thread wot I wrote.
Replied: 1st May 2013 at 17:57
Was it not I who first called upon you there?
Replied: 1st May 2013 at 18:08
I was pretending not to be in.
You hurled accusations and hurt my feelings.
Replied: 1st May 2013 at 18:15
Last edited by Mac: 1st May 2013 at 18:16:26
I've created a shoe made out of Legos, so when you step on a Lego it doesn't hurt.
You just get taller.
Replied: 29th Oct 2013 at 08:53
Going to scare the poo out of pensioners in my street when I go trick or treating tonight.
I'm dressing up as a gas bill.
Replied: 29th Oct 2013 at 08:53
I can't believe how windy it is out there.
It blew all the clothes off my washing line and into a gypsy's van.
Replied: 29th Oct 2013 at 08:56
I wonder which thread holds the record for the most resurrections?
Replied: 29th Oct 2013 at 08:58
'I wonder which thread holds the record for the most resurrections?'
For my part, I'd go with Sue's 'snig' thread and Erin's 'rabbit ears' one.
Nowt wrong with repeats.
Replied: 29th Oct 2013 at 13:59
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