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Cordy's Joke thread

Started by: cordyline (5350) 

Very rare photo of the 1940 Tour de France:

Started: 23rd Jan 2011 at 19:37
Last edited by cordyline: 5th Jan 2012 at 17:57:53

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

I was telling the wife that an old bloke had just driven by on a tractor, shouting 'The end of the world is upon us!'.

She said 'that sounds like farmer Geddon'.

Replied: 23rd Jan 2011 at 19:38

Posted by: dr wat (inactive)

could be the start of a breakaway if the peleton dont look sharp

Replied: 23rd Jan 2011 at 19:40

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

whats the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

Iron Man is a 'Superhero'.......

Iron Woman is a simple instruction...

Replied: 24th Jan 2011 at 22:22

Posted by: aiflanc (1463)

"It'll be better when they invent them plastic helmets"

Replied: 24th Jan 2011 at 22:46

Posted by: aiflanc (1463)

"Get the hand off my rifle"

Replied: 24th Jan 2011 at 22:51

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquour store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"

"No," said the little boy... "It's a puppy!"

Replied: 25th Jan 2011 at 13:08

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

Do NOT donate money to the Egypt Crisis fund.

Rumour has it that this could be another Pyramid Scheme.

Replied: 3rd Feb 2011 at 22:20

Posted by: kenny (inactive)

Egyptian government have come up with a plan to stop the riots in Cairo

Get in a car,honk your horn & simply chill-out
They are calling it the "toot-n-kalm-doon"

Be so kind as to pass ones coat pleeeease

Replied: 4th Feb 2011 at 06:46

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

Replied: 7th Feb 2011 at 13:28
Last edited by cordyline: 7th Feb 2011 at 14:06:44

Posted by: the_gwim_weaper (inactive)

I had a bad reaction to Viagra, 8 hours now & I still have an erection.

Hope the doctor can sort it.

Touch wood.

Replied: 7th Feb 2011 at 13:36

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

My neighbour was reading fairy tales to her little grandson. He said,'Nana, do all fairy tales begin with.."Once upon a time"?'.

She thought for a minute and answered, 'No,Tom, I know lots of fairy tales that begin with.."If elected, I promise"..,

Replied: 7th Feb 2011 at 13:48

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness

No one answered
"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post

He saddled up and started to ride out of town

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home"

Replied: 1st Jan 2012 at 21:36

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it"

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me"

The Rabbi, surprised by this asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what - Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know"

A week later the Rabbi calls the man "Well, I spoke to your wife, I spoke to her on the phone for three hours;
You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied

"Take the poison"

Replied: 3rd Jan 2012 at 14:35

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat"

The man groaned but didn't budge

The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager"

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success

Finally, they summoned the police

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam" the man moaned

"Where ya from Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied

"The balcony"

Replied: 5th Jan 2012 at 14:13

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Ye Gods, Cordy. That joke is as old as the 1940 tour de france winner.

Replied: 5th Jan 2012 at 14:23

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)

Do the one about the never-ending bag of crisps.

Replied: 5th Jan 2012 at 14:25

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

A Policeman pulled me over...
'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'. I said: 'What for, Officer?' He says: 'My chips are too hot'
Read it in a West Country accent.

Replied: 5th Jan 2012 at 14:29

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)

Tommy

Replied: 5th Jan 2012 at 14:31

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Replied: 5th Jan 2012 at 14:35

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)

And the crisp bag?

Involved a balcony at the pictures

Replied: 5th Jan 2012 at 14:36

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

So they've made the new Thatcher film a 12a

Apparently its not suitable for Miners!!

Replied: 6th Jan 2012 at 16:48

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Replied: 6th Jan 2012 at 16:51

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)

Replied: 6th Jan 2012 at 16:53

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

No joy with the crisp bag, unless it's entwined with the old chestnut that is the patron who fell?

Replied: 6th Jan 2012 at 17:00

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)

There was a leper sat above him on the balcony.

Replied: 6th Jan 2012 at 17:03

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Cor lummey!....billy Shakespeare told that one in Much ado about sod all!

Replied: 6th Jan 2012 at 17:04

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)

Aye, "Lend me your ears" at the Globe.

Replied: 6th Jan 2012 at 17:42

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

two irish men go for a job
the foreman first brings in murphy for a quick iq test

the foreman asks:
what would happen if i covered your right eye?

murphy:
i would be half blind,

what would happen if i covered both eyes?

i would be totally blind,

ok said the foreman you have the job,

so on the way out he whispers to pat "half blind..totally blind"

so the foreman brings in pat:
what would happen if i cut off your left ear?

pat:
i would be half blind,

foreman:
then what would happen if i cut off both ears?

pat:
i would be totally blind

how do you make that out asked the foreman

pat,
well my hat would fall over my eyes !!

Replied: 7th Jan 2012 at 12:17

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

My granddad had a heart attack whilst walking in Sherwood Forest today.

Apparently he's stable, but not out of the woods yet.

Replied: 7th Jan 2012 at 12:42

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

I managed to get a job as a puppeteer today, but I had to pull some strings.

Replied: 7th Jan 2012 at 12:48

Posted by: ecmdj (8186) 

great laughs lads

Replied: 7th Jan 2012 at 14:25

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

So Anthony Worrall Thompson has been arrested for stealing cheese


Next time he should do it more Caerphilly

Replied: 9th Jan 2012 at 17:02

Posted by: jo anne (32795) 

Which cheese is made backwards?

Replied: 9th Jan 2012 at 17:04

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)



Yon C&P merchant will be kicking himself.

Just landed on handbags.

Replied: 9th Jan 2012 at 17:05
Last edited by dostaf: 9th Jan 2012 at 17:06:36

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)

Jo Anne, that's too easy.

Expect a very, very naughty one.

Replied: 9th Jan 2012 at 17:06

Posted by: jo anne (32795) 

My answer's Edam, Dostaf.

(Tweeted recently by the QI Elves. When it became one of their most retweeted tweets, they said they thought it might be time to give up.)

Replied: 9th Jan 2012 at 17:12

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)

I know it's Edam.

No wonder...etc..

Replied: 9th Jan 2012 at 17:14

Posted by: jo anne (32795) 

You could have humoured me, Dostaf.

Replied: 9th Jan 2012 at 17:17

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)

Only if you ask about the very, VERY naughty one about the Architect, Jo Anne.

Replied: 9th Jan 2012 at 17:21

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

Replied: 9th Jan 2012 at 23:53

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day

When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times

When I got fired, you were there to support me
When my business failed, you were there

When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently

"I think you bring me bad luck"

Replied: 9th Jan 2012 at 23:54

Posted by: jo anne (32795) 



Another QI question:

Which cheese would you use to disguise a horse?

Replied: 10th Jan 2012 at 19:37

Posted by: veg grower (inactive)

I know this

Replied: 10th Jan 2012 at 19:39

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)

Strugling.

Replied: 10th Jan 2012 at 19:40

Posted by: jo anne (32795) 

Veg Grower - whey to go!

Dostaf - I've never seen Strugling at the delicatessen counter?

Which cheese would you use to disguise a horse? Mascarpone

Replied: 10th Jan 2012 at 20:46

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)



Struggling should have two g's, too.

GG = Oss = Boulangerie.

Replied: 10th Jan 2012 at 20:52

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)

Dohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

I meant Boucherie.

Replied: 10th Jan 2012 at 20:53

Posted by: jo anne (32795) 

Dough indeed!

It'd have to be a little Oss to be in the Boulangerie ... a foal in a loaf.

Replied: 10th Jan 2012 at 21:13

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)

'Dough indeed!'

Replied: 10th Jan 2012 at 21:23

Posted by: veg grower (inactive)

What about a famous feminist cheese?

Replied: 10th Jan 2012 at 23:24

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

I just got off the phone to Sea World


They said my call may be recorded for training porpoises

Replied: 12th Jan 2012 at 10:31

Posted by: pisolivadi (1812) 

Car park vandalism...

Its crime on so many levels.

Replied: 12th Jan 2012 at 10:51

Posted by: pisolivadi (1812) 

my dad's just retired after an unblemished career and got a job as a lollipop man .
So didn't believe him when he said he'd been done for stealing in his new role, but when I went round his house,.. all the signs were there.

Replied: 12th Jan 2012 at 10:58

Posted by: chatty (7734) 

"I had a cat called Minton who swallowed a shuttlecock. I said 'Bad Minton!'"

Replied: 12th Jan 2012 at 10:59

Posted by: chatty (7734) 

"Did you hear Handel has teamed up with Hinge and Bracket? They've formed The Doors!!!!!"

Replied: 12th Jan 2012 at 11:02

Posted by: joseph 1 (inactive)

What do we want?

A cure for obesity!

When do we want it?

After dinner!

Replied: 12th Jan 2012 at 18:48

Posted by: joseph 1 (inactive)

What do we want?

Confidentially!

When do we want it?

None of your bloody business!

Replied: 12th Jan 2012 at 18:49

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)

Don't you be doing the Tourettes one.

Replied: 12th Jan 2012 at 18:50

Posted by: joseph 1 (inactive)

What do we want!?

A cure for alzhimers!

When do we want it?

When do we want what?

Replied: 12th Jan 2012 at 18:50

Posted by: joseph 1 (inactive)

What do we want?

A cure for tourettes!

When do we want it?

?

Replied: 12th Jan 2012 at 18:52

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)

Expect complaints.

That big lad what left put a series of those type on 'Handbags'.

I believe he still moves abroad.

Replied: 12th Jan 2012 at 18:52

Posted by: joseph 1 (inactive)

I thought someone had been tampering with my library.

Replied: 12th Jan 2012 at 18:56

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)

No. He nicks them of a sordid site.

Replied: 12th Jan 2012 at 18:58

Posted by: jo anne (32795) 

I missed your earlier post, Veg Grower. It's got me thinking.

What about a famous feminist cheese?

Replied: 10th Jan 2012 at 23:24

Replied: 12th Jan 2012 at 19:00

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)

Not got the horse yet, never mind the feminist.

Replied: 12th Jan 2012 at 19:50

Posted by: veg grower (inactive)

Go on I'll give it to you, its been bugging me.

Feminist cheese - Gruyere.

Replied: 14th Jan 2012 at 20:45

Posted by: jo anne (32795) 

I'd thought of Germaine Greer, Veg Grower.

Replied: 14th Jan 2012 at 21:51

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

Replied: 16th Jan 2012 at 12:44
Last edited by cordyline: 16th Jan 2012 at 13:14:12

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

BREAKING NEWS:
SAN FRANCISCO MAN BECOMES FIRST AMERICAN TO GRASP SIGNIFICANCE OF IRONY

Jay Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the concept of irony

"It was weird," Fullmer said. "I was in London and, like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather, eh?" and I thought "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather"

Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate

Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, plans to use irony himself in future

"I'm, like, using it all the time," he said. "Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them to hell and I said

"Hey, great weather!"

Replied: 16th Jan 2012 at 16:39

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)

Replied: 16th Jan 2012 at 17:51

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Replied: 16th Jan 2012 at 17:55

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)

January explanation needed.

Replied: 16th Jan 2012 at 17:59

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

Coming back from another recent EC summit in Rome, various European leaders were forced to take the train due to a strike by Swiss Air controllers;

Sitting together in the same compartment, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were Sarkozy, Cameron, Merkel and the young and very attractive female Irish foreign minister

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a kiss followed by a loud slap

When the train emerges from the tunnel, Sarkozy has a bright red, hand print on his cheek

No one speaks, everyone is extremely shocked and embarrassed

Angela Merkel thinks: Sarkozy, not able to help himself, must have kissed the Irish girl in the dark, and she slapped his cheek

The Irish girl thinks: Sarkozy, not able to help himself, must have tried to kiss me in the dark, but missed and kissed Merkel and she slapped his cheek

Sarkozy thinks: Why me ? That perfidious Cameron must have groped the Irish girl in the dark knowing that I’d get the blame for it and she slapped me…the English bastard

Cameron thinks: I can’t wait for another tunnel;
just so I can kiss the back of my hand again and smack that little French sod another time

Replied: 19th Jan 2012 at 18:47

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

LOL!

Replied: 19th Jan 2012 at 18:49

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)

Expect 'should be on politics' complaints.

Replied: 19th Jan 2012 at 18:50

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Me and the Mrs. were sat on the sofa. She had a sad look on her face;

"Cheer up" I said,

"Oh I'm ok" she sighed "just a bit sad"

"You're fab" I said,

"Thanks" she said,

"You're mine" I said,

"I know silly!" she chuckled,

"I love you" I said,

"Aww!" she gushed "That's so lovely!"

"Marry me" I said,

She squealed with joy and stood up and started clapping like a seal, "Yes!" she bellowed "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

I looked up at her and said "Yes what?"

"Yes I will marry you!" she beamed,

"Sod off!" I said "Here, have a Love Heart".

Replied: 19th Jan 2012 at 18:55

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

Jock goes on a first aid course

The instructor asks "What would you do if your child swallowed the front door key?"

Jock said " I'd climb in through the window"

Replied: 23rd Jan 2012 at 16:13
Last edited by cordyline: 23rd Jan 2012 at 16:13:59

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

Apparently, The Queen likes to refer to her christmas broadcast as 'The One Show'

Replied: 15th Mar 2012 at 11:08

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi

It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings

"Mum," said the boy, "What are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work", she replied

The taxi driver turns round and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money"

The little boy's eyes got wide and he said "Is that true, mum?"

His mother, glaring hard at the taxi driver, answers in the affirmative

After a few minutes, the kid asked, "Mum, what happens to their babies?"

"Most of them become taxi drivers", she said

Replied: 12th May 2013 at 22:58

Posted by: mache (inactive)

Replied: 23rd Jan 2011 at 19:38


Replied: 13th Oct 2013 at 15:35

Posted by: sir bob (7084)

That is nearly three years ago

Replied: 13th Oct 2013 at 15:37

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

I've got an Eton-themed advent calendar

where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts

Replied: 19th Aug 2019 at 09:26

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

'Doctor, one day I think Im a tepee, the next I think I'm a Wig-wam'


'Relax Man, you're too tense'

Replied: 19th Aug 2019 at 15:34

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

When I was young; I believed in Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy

Not any more, Thank God

Replied: 21st Aug 2019 at 08:58

Posted by: bentlegs (4552)

I saw my mate coming out of work he had a feather stuck in his hair i said whats that all about he said they are sacking all the Cowboys,

Replied: 22nd Aug 2019 at 16:26

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

Talking to a bloke the other day; he accused me of being a fake Cockney

So I pushed him down the apples and oranges

Replied: 24th Aug 2019 at 00:19

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

Is it just me --

or has the increase in female MPs coincided with parliament not listening?

Replied: 21st Oct 2019 at 10:44

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

Replied: 1st Apr 2020 at 13:48

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

Replied: 1st Apr 2020 at 16:47

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bleedin' bread!"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again you wee shite I'll nail your beak to the bar!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Replied: 1st Apr 2020 at 22:57

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

The doctor has just prescribed me some anti-gloating cream.

Can't wait to rub it in.

Replied: 14th May 2020 at 21:18

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

Wanda;-- Look Away

A young woman started work in the Village chemist shop, she was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.

The Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days, and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.

She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms.

"Look" he said "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they either ask for a 310 (small); a 320 (medium); or a 330 (large). The word condom is never mentioned"

The first day was fine, but on the second day a black guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said “350" please.

The girl panicked. She phoned the Chemist on his mobile and told him of her predicament.

"Go back in and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.

She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the guy's legs.

"Yes!” she shouted down the phone "he's got one hanging there!”

The boss replied "Well, go back in there and give him £3.50

...he's the window cleaner”

Replied: 17th May 2020 at 11:18

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

A guy calls a chimney sweep to get his chimney cleaned.
The sweep checks it out and then says he can do the job for £1,200.

"TWELVE HUNDRED POUNDS!" the guy shouts.

"For that much I'll do it myself"

The sweep chuckles and says "Okay -- soot yourself"

Replied: 18th May 2020 at 11:52
Last edited by cordyline: 20th May 2020 at 13:21:00

 

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