Misery

The news is wall to wall misery these days.anybody got any jokes or are they banned ??

How many plumbers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

2 A plumber to get the beer and a plumber to call the electrician.

Anybody got any jokes that are funny?

Didn’t fall off the stool but it’s a start

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
There's a tough crowd in tonight.

The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one of his altar boys. The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house, he’s sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished. The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him a £5.00 note.
The boy looks at the money and says to the priest, "Thanks very much Father,...you’re a virgin." The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark.

The next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house; it’s a really hot day and he just manages to finish the job without collapsing. The priest looks at the job and this time gives the lad another £5.00 note. Once again the lad looks at the money and says, "Thanks very much Father, you really are a virgin." At this stage the priest decides to take action. "Tommy," he says, "that’s twice you’ve called me a virgin. Do you have any idea what the word means?" "Yes," says the kid, "a tight C**T."

The US president asked for estimates from contractors from different countries to paint the White House.

The US president asked for estimates from contractors from different countries to paint the White House.

The Chinese contractor estimates three million dollars.

And the European contractor said the cost was seven million dollars

And then the Pakistani contractor made an estimate of ten million dollars.

The president asked the Chinese contractor, how did you estimate three million dollars? The contractor replied that 1 million for paint for 1 million for labor and 1 million for profit.

The president asked the European contractor for seven million He replied three million in paint, two million in labor, two million in profit

The president asked the Pakistani how you estimated ten million The Pakistani contractor said four million for you, three million for me, the remaining three million will be given to the Chinese to paint.

A guy wins £2.5 million on the lottery, He keeps quiet about it and asks his parents, What would you do if I gave you £500 right now, his dad said,
" I'd marry your Mum" The guy stands there in shock and asks " You're not married, all these years you've been living together and not wed and, that make me a Bast8%^d " and his Dad said,
" yeah and a effin tight one at that"

The joke that won the Edinburgh fringe this year,.
"I was courting with a Zoo keeper..but I found out he was a Cheetah "
Rotten ain't it..

A guy walking his Scottish Terrier up the street and he walks into a shop for some cigs and the shop keeper says, " hey mister, can't you read, No dogs allowed," The guy says " sorry I can't see I'm blind " The shop keeper says " Oh I'm sorry I did't realize " and serves the man then, remarks on how made his mistake, " I'd normally expect a blind dog to be a Labrador or Alsatian " The guy then says, " why what did they give me ? "

But the best joke in ages was on the recent news.

Secretary of state for Education confused by presence of TV cameras: mistakenly thought she was playing part of a character in 'The Thick Of It'!

What's black and white at the bottom and brown on top ?
A nun wit Monk on.,..

A bloke has an ugly little mongrel dog and, one day, he was taking it for a walk when he met an old mate of his, who he'd not seen for ages.
"Y'a'reet", says the bloke. "Aye, y'a'reet", says his old mate, "bloody hell fire, what's that tha's geet theer"? he asks, pointing at the dog, "it's a bloody ugly bastard"!
"Hey", says the bloke, "it's the hardest dog in the World this is, he'll fight owt, he will, he rips 'em apart, he does, scared o'nowt, he's not"!
"I'll have a walk wi'thee then", says his old mate, and they walk on together.
Just down the road, they come to a house with a balcony on the front and, on the balcony, is a big Doberman dog. As they walk past, the Doberman spots the ugly little mongrel dog and jumps up at the balcony rail, barking and growling.
Well, the ugly little mongrel dog slips his collar and runs off, disappearing into the distance, leaving the two blokes stood there.
"Ha Haaaaa"! says his old mate, laughing, "hardest dog in the World, my arse!", he says, "as soon as that Doberman up on that balcony barked at him, he shit himself and ran off"!

"Aye", replied the bloke, "he's gone for a ladder"!

reet then, A bloke in't pub bragging how hard his bull terrier is, Another bloke in't bar says, " my terrier will rip thine in haive " then follows a lot of, no it waint and aye it will and finaly money was put on the table,
So he says, " what breed is tha dog and where is it? " tuther mon says its a short nose ,long tailed terrier and its in boot of my car on't car park" So they agree for a dog fight on't car park, All the men go out to the car park and the bloke with the bull terrier has his dog on a lead, Tuther bloke is standing by his car ready to open the boot and he says, " when tha ready let thi dog off leash and I'll open boot,
Bull terrier mon lets the dog go and tuther mon opens the boot, the short nosed terrier jumps out of the boot and with one bite . snaps the bull terrier in half, then gulps both halves up, licks its lips and jumps back in't car boot,
Bloke who had the bull terrier says " hoi, thats a crocodile " ,,,,,tuther bloke says, " yeah some people call them crocodiles too but, I call it a short nosed long tale terrier ",,

I don't care what you calls it, Lady Chat'ly, I calls it OVERTIME!

Trying to avoid having a coughing attsvk

She said "will you love me when I get old?"....he said "gerrold and I'll tell thi....