Cappuccino for Spartacus

I was recently in a coffee shop when I heard the Barista shout:

“Cappuccino for Spartacus”

twelve people stood up

3D printers are so realistic now.

I printed out a life-sized Bob Marley playing the guitar and the paper started jammin'.

World Photography Day - not everywhere,

just the developed nations...

The doctor told my wife that the tickling sensation she had been feeling in her head was caused by a parasitic insect trapped inside her auditory canal.

He said he wasn't able remove it that day and to come back 2 days later.

My wife got quite rude and caused a scene, demanding to be treated immediately.

The doctor refused to be bullied and sent her home with a flea in her ear.

A new car has been launched for American cowboys.

The Audi Partner.

My Uncle Frank has just left me a stately home in his will....

I don't know where Sod Hall is; but I'm thrilled.

Carlsberg don't do holidays.....

......Neither do Thomas Cook.

I’ve seen a bear open a door,

climb a ladder,

play a horn and ride a bike

but I still don’t believe it can make porridge.....

Greta Thunberg

Putting the 'mental' into 'environmentalist'

Decided as it was a pleasant evening to cycle to the off licence to get a bottle of Scotch.

The bike I'd borrowed had a basket on the front and as I put the bottle in it I thought

"What if I fall off, the bottle will break and all that good whisky will be wasted"

so I drank the lot. Good job I did,

I fell off seven times on the way home.

I was sitting at the computer the other day, drafting my will

I called out to my wife

"When I die; I'm going to leave everything to you my love"

She shouted back

"YOU ALREADY DO, YOU LAZY GIT!"

The Judge asked me if I thought his duck impression was a good one.

I replied “Yes Mallard”

BREAKING NEWS

Nicola Sturgeon has demanded that the match between Japan v Scotland be replayed

as the majority of Scots didn't vote for that result....😲

A Scotsman walks in a bar -
usually there is also a Welshman Irishman and Englishman

but they are still away playing rugby.

Is it too much to ask the Romans to re-invade Britain?

Someone needs to resurface the roads.

A smoothie bar serving combined fruit and vegetable smoothies has been linked to bouts of depression and suicide.

Their Melon - Cauli smoothie has now been withdrawn....

Visitors to Spain are amazed at the skill of the tattoo artists there.

No one expects the Spanish ink precision

Teacher asks Billy;

If you have five sweets and Mohammed asks for one, how many will you have left?

Billy; Five

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I'm fat -- but I identify as slim.

I'm translender.

😂😂😂

Just back from a holiday in Dubai

I was offered 40 camels for my wife.

I normally smoke Marlboro, but hey, it was a good deal.....

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep.

Sometime in the middle of the night, Holmes wakes Watson up and says: "Watson, look up, and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars."

"And what do you deduce from that?"

"Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

"Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent!"

That joke won second place in the World's funniest joke contest. First place went to one of Spike Miligan's, which the person submitting did not attribute!

My mate Bazz died, he was a JCB driver.

At his funeral, his work colleagues said that he left behind a hole that will never be filled.....

I arrived at the Restaurant a bit early.

"Would you mind waiting for a while?" asked the maitre d'

"Not at all" I replied

"Good" he said "take these burgers and chips to table 7"

America is the only country where a significant proportion of

the population believes that professional wrestling is real

but the moon landing was faked.
David Letterman

The amount of jokes about coronavirus virus has reached worrying numbers.

Scientists claim we are in the middle of a pundemic

A Swedish scientist has traced Coronavirus back to a hot summers day when Greta Thonberg's ice-cream melted.

After hearing a couple of gunshots from next door, a neighbour calls the police and an armed response unit arrive and burst through the front door.

After a couple of minutes, an armed officer walks calmly back to his car and calls the station.

“Sarge” he says “A woman here has just shot her husband”

The Sergeant replies “OK. Have established a motive yet?”

“Yes, Sarge” replies the officer “apparently, he stepped on the kitchen floor just after she’d mopped it”

“Christ!” says the Sergeant, “have you arrested her?”.

“No, not yet” says the officer. “The floor’s still wet”

Some people only write lockdown because they can't spell kwarinteen.

The bloke who stole my diary just died.


My thoughts are with his family.

I was explaining to a mate that we don't use the word "handicap" any more because it's derogatory.

We now use the word "disability"

"OK" he said "What's your golf disability?"

Ring ring --Ring ring

"Hello, Jeremy Corbyn"

"Jeremy, it's me, Diane Abbott -- I'm in Scotland -- Where is Loch Down ?"

An Englishman an Irishman and Scotsman walk into a Bar...

….Those were the days...