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Ad nauseum

Started by: Mac (inactive)

I've been diagnosed with chronic fear of giants; Feefiphobia

Started: 22nd Nov 2011 at 15:59

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

What bounces and makes kids cry?

My donation cheque to Children in Need.


Replied: 22nd Nov 2011 at 16:03

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger's.

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?

"Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea,"

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh**t?"

Replied: 22nd Nov 2011 at 18:09

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)

A patty?

Did she also stick a y on the end of everything?

Was it a reindeer?

Replied: 22nd Nov 2011 at 18:11

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

It wasn't a cheap. That's all I know.

Replied: 22nd Nov 2011 at 18:20

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club.

Replied: 23rd Nov 2011 at 08:42

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Roses are Green

Violets are Green

Eastenders is Green...

My TV's boken

Replied: 23rd Nov 2011 at 16:56

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Replied: 23rd Nov 2011 at 17:39

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Replied: 23rd Nov 2011 at 17:47

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

I heard there are clinics where men pay thousands of pounds to have their sperm frozen for use later in life...

Clearly these men have never washed their Scrotum with "Original Source Mint And Tea Tree Shower Gel"

Replied: 24th Nov 2011 at 07:45

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

After having her 9th baby, an Irish woman saw her Priest. "I don't no why I get pregnant so often, there must be something in the air", she exclaimed. "Yes", said the Priest. "Your bleedin' legs!"

Replied: 24th Nov 2011 at 14:59

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

I went into the into the Butchers today, and asked, "Have you got a pigs head?"

"Yes" he replies,

"Well cut me a couple of lamb chops then, porky face".

Replied: 24th Nov 2011 at 21:47

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.

Replied: 25th Nov 2011 at 08:55

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Replied: 25th Nov 2011 at 09:12

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)



I read the Wile E Coyote comment on here recently.

Replied: 25th Nov 2011 at 18:59

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)

On 'Twaddle' actually.


Posted by: the_gwim_weaper (inactive)
Now, off my thread with your words of wisdom...

Isn't it sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels

Replied: 29th Oct 2011 at 16:45

Replied: 25th Nov 2011 at 19:42

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)

Replied: 26th Nov 2011 at 19:14

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Ever the environmentalist, I have re-used it.

Replied: 27th Nov 2011 at 21:24

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

I was trying to look cool todayat work, so I put my hat on backwards.

Stupid idea. I could hardly see what I was welding.

Replied: 29th Nov 2011 at 14:04

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

"Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day."

What a slow eater.

Replied: 1st Dec 2011 at 17:05

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

I've been dating a homeless women recently, and I think it's getting serious.

She asked me to move out with her

Replied: 2nd Dec 2011 at 08:20

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Replied: 2nd Dec 2011 at 08:57

Posted by: meccy69 (755) 

went the supermarket today the wife said "you lazy bone idle swine "i was so shocked i nearly fell out the trolley

Replied: 2nd Dec 2011 at 17:55

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)

Replied: 2nd Dec 2011 at 18:34

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Replied: 2nd Dec 2011 at 21:17

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

I've just had a right go at a bloke for daubing white paint all over me.

"It's not white paint" he said sarcastically. "It's Tippex".

"Oh I'm sorry" I responded. "My mistake".

I stand corrected.

Replied: 3rd Dec 2011 at 11:25

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

On holiday in the beautiful Greek Islands I asked my new girlfriend if she'd like try fellatio,

"No thanks" she replied "He's ugly, but I'd give any of the other waiters a go."

Replied: 3rd Dec 2011 at 11:27

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)

She sounds like a wrong un.

Replied: 3rd Dec 2011 at 17:15

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

My new girlfriend asked me if we can have something more 'Christmassy' on the television.

So I put fifa on and played in snowy conditions.

Replied: 4th Dec 2011 at 15:26

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

I just shouted Misha B.

But she didn't listen and it stung her.

Replied: 4th Dec 2011 at 15:28

Posted by: meccy69 (755) 

I love this time of year. You can slam your laptop shut when your girlfriend walks into the room and you don't get any disgusted looks.

Replied: 4th Dec 2011 at 19:37

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Replied: 4th Dec 2011 at 19:54

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Replied: 4th Dec 2011 at 21:06

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

I went to see the doctor. He asked me if I'd ever given myself a prostate examination.

I replied, "not deliberately, but the wife always buys cheap toilet roll."

Replied: 5th Dec 2011 at 12:05

Posted by: meccy69 (755) 

Last month, Wits University and RAU scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.
... It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :

1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologise when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.

Replied: 5th Dec 2011 at 18:45

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)

Expect complaints.

Replied: 5th Dec 2011 at 19:09

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Just had an email from Sainsbury's with the subject "Did you know you could be going to the Paralympic Games?"

Is this because I went to Waitrose yesterday? Who's running Sainsbury's now, the Kray twins?

Replied: 6th Dec 2011 at 09:47

Posted by: meccy69 (755) 

I went back to see my doctor today.

I said, "I applied the pile cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction."

"Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked.

I said, "On the bus."

Replied: 6th Dec 2011 at 18:05

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Ooooo!

Replied: 6th Dec 2011 at 18:06

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)

Replied: 6th Dec 2011 at 18:17

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

I've got to say I am very disappointed with my UK Border Agency Advent Calendar.

All the doors have been left open.

Replied: 6th Dec 2011 at 22:07

Posted by: Perkin Warbeck (1458)

Wigginer goes to the vets.
Wigginer: Con't ava luck at me cat?
Vet: Is it a tom?
Wigginer: No I browt it wi'me, it's in't car!

Replied: 6th Dec 2011 at 22:40

Posted by: veg grower (inactive)

Replied: 7th Dec 2011 at 06:47

Posted by: Mac (inactive)



I got chatting to two birds in a club.

I said to one, "You look hotter than your mate."

"Awww" She said, "You really think so?"

I said, "Yeah, you've got sweat dripping all down your face."

Replied: 7th Dec 2011 at 09:07

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

I was having a poo in the train toilet today, when some bloke knocked on the door.

He said, "Can I see your ticket please?"

"Not right now" I shouted, "I'm having a poo!"

He said, "I don't believe you, can you pass it under the door?"

"No problem," I said, sliding it under. "The yellow bits are sweetcorn."

Replied: 7th Dec 2011 at 12:52
Last edited by Mac: 10th Dec 2011 at 14:42:26

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Replied: 7th Dec 2011 at 13:09

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Replied: 7th Dec 2011 at 21:26

Posted by: veg grower (inactive)



Eeewwwwwwwwwwww

Replied: 8th Dec 2011 at 06:58

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

My son came home from school yesterday and said to me

"Dad, I have got a part in the school play, I play a man who has been married for 25 years"

I said to him "never mind son, maybe you will get a talking part next year"

Replied: 8th Dec 2011 at 09:01

Posted by: meccy69 (755) 

Did you realise that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes" and a man's "I'll be home in five minutes" are exactly the same?

Replied: 8th Dec 2011 at 17:01

Posted by: meccy69 (755) 

I won a load of money in the bookies yesterday and my mate said, "I hope you're going to spread the wealth."

"Of course I will." I replied as I put some in my back pocket, some in my top pocket and the rest in my wallet.

Replied: 8th Dec 2011 at 17:02

Posted by: meccy69 (755) 

I saw a man walking down the street wearing a Superman t-shirt.

I walked up to him and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"

He said, "What?"

I said, "That one of us is lying."

Replied: 8th Dec 2011 at 17:12

Posted by: mswigan (inactive)

mac/gwim/perkin

How dare you.

Replied: 8th Dec 2011 at 23:06

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Replied: 9th Dec 2011 at 08:57

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

I was walking through town today, a tramp stopped me and said "sir can you give me £1 for a Pie?"

I replied, "Okay, but let me see the Pie first."

Replied: 9th Dec 2011 at 09:06

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

A middle-aged woman looks in the mirror.
"God, I look old, fat and ugly," she says to her hubby. "Pay me a compliment, dear."
Her hubby says, "Your eyesight's good!"

Replied: 9th Dec 2011 at 09:39

Posted by: veg grower (inactive)

Replied: 9th Dec 2011 at 09:46

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

I went to a bisexual orgy once.

It was six of one and half a dozen of the other

Replied: 9th Dec 2011 at 16:26

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)

Did you change ends at half time?

Replied: 9th Dec 2011 at 17:53

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

You disgust me!

Replied: 9th Dec 2011 at 17:58

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

I saw a female truck driver swerve through traffic, cutting up other road users before smashing into the car in front. On the back of her truck was a sign that said, 'How am I driving?'

I thought, "I've got no idea either!".

Replied: 9th Dec 2011 at 19:30

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)

Was she owt to look at?

Replied: 9th Dec 2011 at 19:45

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

I wouldn't push her out of her cab.

Replied: 9th Dec 2011 at 19:47

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)

Replied: 9th Dec 2011 at 19:54

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

No, she was driving it at the time, so it would be irresponsible of me.

Replied: 9th Dec 2011 at 19:58

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

I'm putting out Vodka & potatoes for Santa this year ...You can bet your life some Polish Bugger has taken his job!

Replied: 10th Dec 2011 at 10:20

Posted by: meccy69 (755) 

Ed Ball and Simon ball were in the middle of a cycling ride when suddenly a car sped round the corner and toppled onto its side. The balls immediately cycled over to the incident to help the man who was trapped inside. "Are you ok ?" the balls asked, "im Simon and this is my brother Ed balls, we are going to see if we can pull you out!" but just before they did the man replied "NO DONT! go find a farmer and get him to pull me out with his tractor". So off they went and soon they returned with what the man wanted. The farmer managed to free the man despite many cuts and bruises. It could've been much worse, he could've been pulled out by the balls!

Replied: 10th Dec 2011 at 10:55

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Voting for the best singer on the X Factor is like voting for the breed of dog that lays the nicest-tasting turds.

Replied: 12th Dec 2011 at 08:16

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

I was washing the car with my son earlier,

He didn't make a very good sponge...

Replied: 12th Dec 2011 at 08:17

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

VG, do you enjoy American Dad I wonder?...Last nights second helping was easily the funniest ever. Roger was Gollum/Smeagol. Hilarity ensued.

Replied: 12th Dec 2011 at 15:38
Last edited by Mac: 12th Dec 2011 at 17:59:09

Posted by: veg grower (inactive)

I don't think I have even watched three episodes - I keep saying I'll watch it and then I'm usually doing something else. I usually check the TV guides at this time of year so I'll keep my eye open for it. Heaven knows what I used to watch before The Simpson's/Family Guy.

Eh, do you remember a US cartoon in the 70's called 'Wait Til Your Father Gets Home'? Just remembered that

Replied: 12th Dec 2011 at 17:47

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Yes, I enjoyed it.....

Replied: 12th Dec 2011 at 18:01

Posted by: veg grower (inactive)

Thanks for that - very topical given the vole situation.

Replied: 12th Dec 2011 at 18:38

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

I try.

Replied: 12th Dec 2011 at 19:08

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Real letter:

Dear British Egg Information Service,

First things first. Thank you ever so much for being involved with eggs. I love eggs. I can stare at them for hours on end before getting bored. I have become so familiar with them that I can successfully identify which end is the pointy one with my eyes closed, using touch alone. I can also guess whether an egg is boiled or not boiled with an accuracy rate of almost 50%. This is how much I like eggs.

I am writing to you because I would like to make an enquiry, and I would also like to share a recipe. I will save the enquiry until later, because it will not be interesting to you. Unlike my recipe, which is without a doubt the greatest thing I have ever created with eggs - even if I do say so myself!! Other people have said it too so I am morally absolved from blowing my own eggy trumpet.

Here it is:

EGG TUBES

Ingredients
Six medium eggs
1 normal sized pack of extra strong Cheddar
3 teaspoons of flour
4g of glue
2 cardboard tubes

Method
Preheat the oven to Gas Mark 4
Unwrap and finely grate the block of Cheddar. Place on a plate and set aside until later.
Measure out the flour and place in a small bowl. Don't forget to seal the bag of flour back up again to prevent weevils or mice.
Remove the eggs from their box and place on the kitchen counter. Recycle the box or locate someone to do this for you, e.g. the council.
Apply a small amount of glue all around one rim of each of the cardboard tubes. Carefully affix these around your eyes, making sure you can see out of the end of the tube.
Tip your head back so that the tubes are vertical. Using your hands, find the bowl of flour and empty it onto your fingers. Rub this in - it will provide extra grip.
Pick up an egg and very gently lower it into one of the tubes. Do not allow it to break. Repeat this step with the rest of the eggs, placing a total of three in each tube.
Locate the plate of cheese and eat as much as you like.
Turn the oven off.


That's it! I hope you like it. I am very happy for you to use it for egg promotion or in any advertising campaigns.

Now, on to the enquiry. I would be very interested to learn where it is that eggs come from. A very good friend of mine has told me that they are discovered in the ground, but I am not sure if this is true. Could you please provide more information on the source of eggs? In addition, I would be delighted to receive some feedback on my recipe.

Yours sincerely,

Chad Bradley.





Real Reply:

Dear Mr Bradley

Thank you very much for your letter of 3 April 2009.

We, at the British Egg Information Service, are delighted that you love eggs. And we were every impressed by your uncanny ability in being able to identify whether an egg is boiled or not. This is a skill that I would like to master and to be able to get it right 50% of the time - eggsceptional.

Over the years, we have received some quite eggcentric recipes, sent in by the general public. But I must say that yours is by far the most imaginative.

It is with some regret, however, that I have to let you know that we are unable to use your recipe within our advertising or promotion. Having tried your recipe, we have discovered a rather unfortunate side-effect, which was borne our by three hours in A&E and the complete loss of eyebrow hair.

You posed a question as to where eggs come from. In terms of hens eggs (which is what we at the BEIS represent), they come mostly from supermarkets. However, you could try the local butcher or indeed milkman. Originally, of cour they come from hens, providing you with a tasty, nutritious food that you can enjoy every day.

Since you have such a great love of eggs, i enclose an inflatable egg cup so that you can enjoy your boiled egg anywhere - they work particularly well in the bath I'm told.

With best wishes
Yours sincerely
Kevin Coles

Replied: 13th Dec 2011 at 21:20

Posted by: veg grower (inactive)

Re: American Dad - it was on one of the Virgin Channels last night - unfortunately I fell asleep - but this wasn't due to the show - more a glass of wine and having hauled a Christmas tree about.

Replied: 14th Dec 2011 at 07:05

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Do you often haul trees when bladdered?

Replied: 14th Dec 2011 at 08:26

Posted by: veg grower (inactive)

I wasn't bladdered - I only had a couple of glasses. Went to B&Q for a real one. Got one of them holders to stand it in - I got up this morning and it had fallen over in the night, water on the floor and everything - I'm havin a bad week.

Replied: 14th Dec 2011 at 15:08

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Yeah right. *Hic*

The 'water' wasn't yellow was it?

Replied: 14th Dec 2011 at 15:59

Posted by: veg grower (inactive)

No water that I had put in the holder supposedly to keep the needles on - its still not right yet - but it will be after another couple of glasses tonight

Replied: 14th Dec 2011 at 19:37

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

A likely story. I heard they used to call you Slasher at School, and not because you carried a blade.

Replied: 14th Dec 2011 at 19:52

Posted by: meccy69 (755) 

the wife bought mi a cook book on road kill so i went out out got some road kill it was lovley
still dont know what to do with his bike tho

Replied: 15th Dec 2011 at 08:46

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

I was playing this fit bird in a Scrabble tournament last night when my mate text me from the crowd and asked me to fix him up with her.

I put in a good word for him.

Replied: 16th Dec 2011 at 08:57

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

BBC News: A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.

He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp £9 notes.

Replied: 18th Dec 2011 at 14:11

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

At the start of the exam, the invigilator says, "You have exactly 2 hours. I will not accept any papers after this time has elapsed."

Two hours later, the invigilator calls out, "Time's up, Ladies and Gentlemen."

One student is still scribbling away ten minutes later when the invigilator has all the collected papers in a large stack front of him. Slowly, the student finishes up and walks over to hand in his paper, but the invigilator refuses to accept it. The student puffs up his chest and says:

"Do you have any idea who I am?"

"No," says the invigilator.

"Great," says the student as he slips his paper into the middle of the stack.

Replied: 19th Dec 2011 at 15:42

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

it wasn't until the flames engulfed his body, that pinnochio realised wooden puppets shouldn't masturbate

Replied: 22nd Dec 2011 at 17:56
Last edited by Mac: 22nd Dec 2011 at 17:57:36

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)

Oh dear.

Replied: 22nd Dec 2011 at 18:08

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Just had the best dinner I have had all year!

Replied: 25th Dec 2011 at 17:51

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)

Sprouts have just started.

Replied: 25th Dec 2011 at 18:23

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Bubble bubble, toil and trouble...

Replied: 26th Dec 2011 at 20:15

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

I've just found a Christmas present for my daughter in the loft.

I'll take it up to her later.

Replied: 2nd Jan 2012 at 21:50

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did too, she began running so I ran too, she screamed so I screamed as well. I never even saw what we were running from.

Replied: 6th Jan 2012 at 08:42

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Animal puns are not funny in any neigh, sheep or farm.

Replied: 8th Jan 2012 at 09:54

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)

Any neigh?

Replied: 8th Jan 2012 at 16:33

Posted by: jo anne (33497) 

Rhyme it with Any way, Sheep - shape, Farm - form

Replied: 8th Jan 2012 at 16:39
Last edited by jo anne: 8th Jan 2012 at 16:41:26

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)

Ah, rhyming, Jo Anne

I thought it would have been better put; a neigh way sheep or farm.

Mind you, I probably think too much anyway.

Replied: 8th Jan 2012 at 16:46

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Just had a whopper in Burger King.

Had to pull the chain twice to flush it away.

Replied: 8th Jan 2012 at 20:01

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* it will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ??
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Concrete floors are very hard to crack.


Replied: 9th Jan 2012 at 17:00

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Snooker is on Telly. ..

Who will take the second shot in this snooker game?

Find out after the break.

Replied: 9th Jan 2012 at 17:29

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

The Anthony Worrall Thompson diet, cheese and wine .....followed by porridge.

Replied: 10th Jan 2012 at 08:42

Posted by: trixie (5025) 



With Tesco tea to follow.

Replied: 11th Jan 2012 at 18:16

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Replied: 11th Jan 2012 at 18:55

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Replied: 11th Jan 2012 at 19:15

Posted by: trixie (5025) 



He should have gone to Tesco's.

Replied: 11th Jan 2012 at 19:18

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

He's barred.

Replied: 11th Jan 2012 at 19:25

Posted by: trixie (5025) 



Good.!!! he deserves it too.

He's been doing it while by the sounds of it.

Replied: 11th Jan 2012 at 19:43

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Well, he must have stolen an awful lot because Tesco are shedding 400 - 600 jobs .

Replied: 11th Jan 2012 at 20:51

Posted by: trixie (5025) 



Replied: 12th Jan 2012 at 10:10

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

What floats Elton John's boat?

Flamboyancy.

Replied: 12th Jan 2012 at 10:29

Posted by: trixie (5025) 



I wonder if he is responsable for Tesco Profits being down....

Replied: 12th Jan 2012 at 14:49

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

His restaurant profits will be going down now he has to buy his own stock

Replied: 12th Jan 2012 at 16:22

Posted by: trixie (5025) 




And bang go the Cheese + Wine parties.

Replied: 12th Jan 2012 at 17:22

Posted by: Mac (inactive)




Premature ejaculator seeks fem... oh, never mind.

Replied: 13th Jan 2012 at 08:44

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

I was explaining to my wife how sometimes I feel really high and then really low.

She said "Mac, get off the bleedin'swing."

Replied: 14th Jan 2012 at 20:47

Posted by: trixie (5025) 



AWT is now claiming his abused childhood..

Replied: 15th Jan 2012 at 13:43

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)

Claiming or blaming?

No wonder...etc..

Replied: 15th Jan 2012 at 16:15

Posted by: veg grower (inactive)

He has also managed to wangle a 'reality' show out of it.

A right drama queen.

Replied: 15th Jan 2012 at 16:28

Posted by: Mac (inactive)



Replied: 16th Jan 2012 at 08:37

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Anthony Worral Thompson is to seek treatment for his condition.

I offered to steal him a hair dye, he still hasn't replied yet, the ignorant sod.

Replied: 16th Jan 2012 at 09:06

Posted by: erontquay (inactive)

Replied: 17th Jan 2012 at 21:10

Posted by: i-spy (15002) 

Just heard that a midget fortune-teller has escaped from Wigan police station.
Cops say he's a small medium at large.

Replied: 17th Jan 2012 at 21:51

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Ooo -

Replied: 17th Jan 2012 at 21:53

Posted by: erontquay (inactive)

Please share the following information with your friends.
Shampoo warning
I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out before !!!!!

I wash my hair in the shower and the shampoo runs down over my whole body.

Printed very clearly on the label is the following warning:

"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."
No WONDER I have been gaining weight!!!


Well, I have got rid of that shampoo and I am going to
start using Dish Washing Liquid instead.
Its label reads,

"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

Problem solved!

Replied: 22nd Jan 2012 at 20:27

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Tee hee.

Replied: 23rd Jan 2012 at 15:29

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

I still live with my parents. We argue a lot. But the make-up sex is pretty great

Replied: 23rd Jan 2012 at 15:33

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Replied: 23rd Jan 2012 at 16:56

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

I have massive breasts, I make amazing sandwiches and I'm really good at Computer games...

Unfortunately, my name's Adam and I'm a chubbster

Replied: 25th Jan 2012 at 16:57

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

I thought putting a large mirror in the bedroom would help spice up our sex life.

But the Mrs. saw her *rse.

Replied: 27th Jan 2012 at 14:42

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Replied: 1st Feb 2012 at 07:10

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Replied: 1st Feb 2012 at 07:11

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Replied: 1st Feb 2012 at 07:12

Posted by: meccy69 (755) 

im not the best dancer
but when i stand in dog shite i can moon walk doogie and cha cha slide

Replied: 4th Feb 2012 at 07:03

Posted by: meccy69 (755) 

John Terry has described losing the England captaincy as the most disappointing thing to happen to him since he ran out of petrol on the way to Wayne Bridge's house.

Replied: 4th Feb 2012 at 07:11

Posted by: veg grower (inactive)

Replied: 4th Feb 2012 at 07:47

Posted by: meccy69 (755) 

paddy mick and tat walk in a pub a bloke at the bar says r u related mick says i to be sure im mick this is paddy thats tat where triplets the bloke says how come you and paddy r over 6 foot and tat is only 4foot mick says we where breast feed and there was no tit for tat

Replied: 4th Feb 2012 at 11:11

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

I thought 'Tat' was a typo at first.

Replied: 4th Feb 2012 at 15:52

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Replied: 7th Feb 2012 at 19:20

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Replied: 8th Feb 2012 at 10:55

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

As I knelt down with a pair of size 4 shoes in front of this sexy blonde in a short skirt, I couldn't resist a quick glance at her knickers.

"Hey cheeky!" she said as she gave me a playful kick. "I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls' skirts isn't it?"

"That's an absolutely ridiculous accusation, madam," I said sternly. "I don't work here."

Replied: 8th Feb 2012 at 11:16

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)




Al bundy comes to mind.

Another very funny US show.

Replied: 8th Feb 2012 at 14:06

Posted by: veg grower (inactive)

Al Bun Deeeeeee

Replied: 8th Feb 2012 at 16:36

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Replied: 8th Feb 2012 at 17:51

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)

Replied: 8th Feb 2012 at 19:04

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Highly unlikely.

(That's Al's Daughter, by the way)

Replied: 8th Feb 2012 at 19:18

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)

Marcy wasn't too bad, either.

Replied: 8th Feb 2012 at 19:19

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Haven't we touched on Marcia in a previous post?....Looked rather tasty in later progs.

Replied: 8th Feb 2012 at 19:41

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)

I never touched her. Poor thing hasn't weathered well.

Replied: 8th Feb 2012 at 19:42

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)

I never touched her. Poor thing hasn't weathered well.

Replied: 8th Feb 2012 at 19:42

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Did you not touch her twice?

Replied: 8th Feb 2012 at 19:55

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Dear iPhone, Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.

Replied: 8th Feb 2012 at 20:09

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)

No, but I certainly remember the episode where she visited London.

'Baaad Americans!'

Replied: 8th Feb 2012 at 20:10

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Replied: 8th Feb 2012 at 20:40

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)

It was a two-parter.

I see Alun Armstong was in it. He got a good hiding in Get Carter and played Spraggon in Porridge. More recently in 'New Tricks'.

Replied: 8th Feb 2012 at 21:10

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

I wonder what a 'bad hiding' will feel like?

Replied: 8th Feb 2012 at 21:50

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)

Will?

You expecting one?

Replied: 8th Feb 2012 at 21:58

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Not on your nelly. Blubberers and keyboard warriors abound, but none shall pass.

Replied: 9th Feb 2012 at 09:42

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)

Name names! Damn you.

Replied: 9th Feb 2012 at 13:19

Posted by: Mac (inactive)




Shan't, lest 'others' bleat that we are as bad as them.

Replied: 9th Feb 2012 at 13:33
Last edited by Mac: 9th Feb 2012 at 13:33:41

Posted by: jo anne (33497) 

Bleat?

I have no sheepishness about it.

Replied: 9th Feb 2012 at 13:48

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Replied: 9th Feb 2012 at 13:59

Posted by: jo anne (33497) 

Hence the noted saying, 'On Ilkley Moor baa-ed hat.'

Replied: 9th Feb 2012 at 14:14

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)

I wouldn't want to try that one on.

Replied: 9th Feb 2012 at 14:30

Posted by: jo anne (33497) 

Never let anyone pull the wool over etc ...

Replied: 9th Feb 2012 at 14:34
Last edited by jo anne: 9th Feb 2012 at 14:37:09

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)

Not really. I'd just look like a notreet.

Or even more like one.

Replied: 9th Feb 2012 at 14:38

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

If the cap fits.....You wouldn't suit it, Dostaf.

Replied: 9th Feb 2012 at 14:39

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)

Replied: 9th Feb 2012 at 14:42

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Recipient(s)

Replied: 9th Feb 2012 at 14:46

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)

Note the paw design on the 'pockets' of the hat.

Sheep don't habe paw pads. (Or so I'm told)

Big pause = Line from corny old joke about a bear.

Replied: 9th Feb 2012 at 14:49

Posted by: jo anne (33497) 

Sheep have hooves, or so I'm led to believe, Dostaf.

Replied: 9th Feb 2012 at 14:51

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)

So why the paw/poor design on yon mon's helmet?

Replied: 9th Feb 2012 at 14:52

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

They say there's a hormone released that makes men sleepy after sex.


Personally I think It's carrying the body and digging the grave that makes me tired.

Replied: 9th Feb 2012 at 15:25

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

I won £500 on a radio competition this morning.
The DJ called me and said, "We are going live in a few seconds, I'm going to ask you what you're going to spend your money on and I want you to tell the listeners on air."

"Okay" I replied.

He said, "3...2....1..... Congratulations to Mac, our competition winner, what are you going to spend the money on?"

I said, "I'm going to spend it on air."

Replied: 10th Feb 2012 at 08:25

Posted by: aussie94 (2365)

Gwim, time you went out and got a life.

Replied: 12th Feb 2012 at 10:02

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Ellen snivelling?....Who would have thought it.


Replied: 12th Feb 2012 at 11:23
Last edited by Mac: 13th Feb 2012 at 16:46:27

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

"It's a boy!"

I shouted, as I ran from the Thai brothel.

Replied: 23rd Feb 2012 at 18:31

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

I walked into the shop and the girl behind the counter said, "Sorry, no dogs."

"That's OK, I brought my own. It's actually Branston Beans I'm looking for?"

Replied: 24th Feb 2012 at 10:18

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Replied: 24th Feb 2012 at 17:03
Last edited by Mac: 24th Feb 2012 at 17:03:18

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

A policeman pulled a man over and as he approached the window he immediately drew his gun and screamed "Where's the little girl!"

The man said, "What little girl?!"

The officer aimed his gun and yelled again, "SHOW ME THE LITTLE GIRL!"

The man now in tears, said, "I SWEAR I DON'T KNOW!"

The officer smiled and said, "...There's the little girl."

Replied: 27th Feb 2012 at 08:34

Posted by: veg grower (inactive)

Replied: 27th Feb 2012 at 09:55

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

A police officer just knocked on my door "I'm sorry, Sir, but your wife has been involved in a fatal car crash and we would like you to accompany us so you can identify the body"

I said "I'm a bit busy right now. Can't you take a photo and tag me on facebook. If it's her I'll click the like button.

Replied: 28th Feb 2012 at 08:46

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

I saw a butterfly on the floor with no wings. So I poured some redbull on it and BAM!

It drowned.

Replied: 29th Feb 2012 at 08:46

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

We had my grandad round the other day and he was trying to work out how to use the remote for the television.

"I miss when there were no remotes," He grumbled, "And all you got was a series of knobs on the television."

So I put the Jeremy Kyle Show on.

Replied: 10th Mar 2012 at 17:06

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

The new girl at work slapped me today because I asked if she spits or swallows.

It seemed like a reasonable question considering we work as wine tasters

Replied: 10th Mar 2012 at 17:07

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

My daughter's school teacher rang me today.

"Young Sarah didn't turn up for school today?" he said.

"I know, her mother died yesterday," I replied. "So she won't be back for a while."

"Sorry to hear that," he sighed. "How's she getting on?"

"Very well," I replied. "She's on her 3rd lot of laundry and has already prepared dinner."

Replied: 16th Mar 2012 at 20:50

 

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