Handbags   (The sad, the bad and the ugly. Non-productive stuff here.)

Real letter:

Dear British Egg Information Service,

First things first. Thank you ever so much for being involved with eggs. I love eggs. I can stare at them for hours on end before getting bored. I have become so familiar with them that I can successfully identify which end is the pointy one with my eyes closed, using touch alone. I can also guess whether an egg is boiled or not boiled with an accuracy rate of almost 50%. This is how much I like eggs.

I am writing to you because I would like to make an enquiry, and I would also like to share a recipe. I will save the enquiry until later, because it will not be interesting to you. Unlike my recipe, which is without a doubt the greatest thing I have ever created with eggs - even if I do say so myself!! Other people have said it too so I am morally absolved from blowing my own eggy trumpet.

Here it is:

EGG TUBES

Ingredients
Six medium eggs
1 normal sized pack of extra strong Cheddar
3 teaspoons of flour
4g of glue
2 cardboard tubes

Method
Preheat the oven to Gas Mark 4
Unwrap and finely grate the block of Cheddar. Place on a plate and set aside until later.
Measure out the flour and place in a small bowl. Don't forget to seal the bag of flour back up again to prevent weevils or mice.
Remove the eggs from their box and place on the kitchen counter. Recycle the box or locate someone to do this for you, e.g. the council.
Apply a small amount of glue all around one rim of each of the cardboard tubes. Carefully affix these around your eyes, making sure you can see out of the end of the tube.
Tip your head back so that the tubes are vertical. Using your hands, find the bowl of flour and empty it onto your fingers. Rub this in - it will provide extra grip.
Pick up an egg and very gently lower it into one of the tubes. Do not allow it to break. Repeat this step with the rest of the eggs, placing a total of three in each tube.
Locate the plate of cheese and eat as much as you like.
Turn the oven off.


That's it! I hope you like it. I am very happy for you to use it for egg promotion or in any advertising campaigns.

Now, on to the enquiry. I would be very interested to learn where it is that eggs come from. A very good friend of mine has told me that they are discovered in the ground, but I am not sure if this is true. Could you please provide more information on the source of eggs? In addition, I would be delighted to receive some feedback on my recipe.

Yours sincerely,

Chad Bradley.





Real Reply:

Dear Mr Bradley

Thank you very much for your letter of 3 April 2009.

We, at the British Egg Information Service, are delighted that you love eggs. And we were every impressed by your uncanny ability in being able to identify whether an egg is boiled or not. This is a skill that I would like to master and to be able to get it right 50% of the time - eggsceptional.

Over the years, we have received some quite eggcentric recipes, sent in by the general public. But I must say that yours is by far the most imaginative.

It is with some regret, however, that I have to let you know that we are unable to use your recipe within our advertising or promotion. Having tried your recipe, we have discovered a rather unfortunate side-effect, which was borne our by three hours in A&E and the complete loss of eyebrow hair.

You posed a question as to where eggs come from. In terms of hens eggs (which is what we at the BEIS represent), they come mostly from supermarkets. However, you could try the local butcher or indeed milkman. Originally, of cour they come from hens, providing you with a tasty, nutritious food that you can enjoy every day.

Since you have such a great love of eggs, i enclose an inflatable egg cup so that you can enjoy your boiled egg anywhere - they work particularly well in the bath I'm told.

With best wishes
Yours sincerely
Kevin Coles