The Dead Cat

A cat died and went to Heaven.
God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking”
The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on”

God said “Say no more” Instantly, the cat had a HUGE fluffy pillow.

A few days later, 12 mice were simultaneously killed in an accident and they all went up to Heaven together

God met the mice at the Gates of Heaven, with the exact same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said “Well, we have had to run all of our lives… from cats, dogs, and even from people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller-skates, we would never have to run again”

God answered “It is done” All the mice had beautiful little roller-skates

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat…
He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow.

God gently awakened the cat and asked, “Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?”

The cat replied, “Oh, everything is just WONDERFUL… I’ve never been so happy in my life! My pillow is always fluffy and those little “Meals-on-Wheels” that You have been sending over are delicious!!

Unbelievable a talking cat

I've just been on that Trip Advisor site.

What a load of rubbish.
There's no information about a twisted ankle or skinned knees.

My previous wife died after becoming allergic to rubber.

She was my late ex.

Its a little known fact that William Tell and his son, as well as being top archers were keen bowlers --- who featured in many bowling championship matches

Unfortunately, due to a fire 150 years ago which destroyed the bowling league HQ...….

….we will now never know for whom the Tells bowled

Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes

Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won't happen I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth


Genie: You son of a ........

If a pig loses its voice...….

does it become disgruntled ?

In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15.

In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95.

In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can GET two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25.

They also offer meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3.

Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75.

Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.

I had a letter drop through my mailbox this morning addressed to 'The Occupier'.

So I've sent it to the correct address,

the state of Israel.

An American fighter plane was flying over Afghanistan when he noticed a flying carpet on each side of his plane,

both with a machine gunner on board.
Sensing danger he shot them down.
Back at base he got a right rollocking.
Apparently they were Allied Carpets.

The first rule of Norman Collier club is

ou alk ut orm er club.


LOOK

The only thing my Flat Earth Friends fear -- is sphere

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky restaurant.
"Did you smell that food?" she asked "It smells absolutely incredible!"

Being a kind-hearted Scotsman, he thought, "What the hell,..I will treat her!"
So, they walked past again...

My mate went on a date with a woman whose online profile said she had an 'infectious smile'

She had cold sores.....

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.

On his first day, he dialled the kitchen and shouted into the phone: "get me a cup of coffee, quickly!!!"

The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you've dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No" replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"

The trainee shouted back:" And do you know who you are talking to, you idiot?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director abgrily.

"Thank God!" replied the trainee and slammed the phone down

Former Rainbow presenter Geoffrey has passed away at the age of 76...

Bungle and George have sent their condolences...

Zippy's remained tight lipped

Phoned the RSPCA today
told them I had found 4 foxes in a suitcase in the park.
They asked if they were moving.

I said I'm not sure -- but it would explain the suitcase.

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo studio to get a tattoo.

It wouldn't wash off this morning, so I went back to complain --- but the tattoo studio wasn't there.

I got stopped in the street on the way back from the library today

Some guy asked me "Why are you carrying a 9ft book?”

I replied... “It’s a long story"

During an after dinner speech last night

Boris Johnson commented that there is a 'shortage of common sense' right now in the UK

at which point the people who paid £5,000 a plate for their dinner applauded in agreement.

I was in the kitchen when a flying insect came through the window and exploded.

I think it was a jihaddy longlegs.

I wish people would stop making vegetable jokes about Steve Bruce.

This is a football manager who had a £200,000 a year celery.

My friend just stormed in looking all yellow after getting a cheap spray tan

"Come on, then" she said "let's have it, some joke about me being Chinese, come on! Let's get it out of the way"

"Steady on" I replied

"You could at least say herro before you go jumping to your assumptions"

Sod's law:
Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

Moore's law:
The complexity of integrated circuits doubles every 24 months.

Campbell's law:
The more any quantitative social indicator is used for social decision making, the more subject it will be to corruption pressures and the more apt it will be to distort and corrupt the social processes it is intended to monitor.

Cole's law:
A salad dish of shredded raw cabbage, carrots, and other vegetables mixed with mayonnaise.

I bought a Latte in Costa Coffee this morning.

The guy serving said "sorry we don't take £50 notes"

So I had to give him 2 twenties and a tenner.

costa packet then?

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

I've designed a plane made entirely from rubber

so that when it crashes, it bounces.
It's a Boing 747.

My neighbour knocked at my door in the early hours this morning

He said "Your car alarm has been going off all night, I've got work in a few hours and had no sleep"

"Stop worrying" I replied

"I've got a steering lock on it"

A Traffic Warden's coffin was being lowered into the ground, and a voice comes from inside

"Please help..I'm not dead..I'm not dead...Please let me out"

The vicar smiles...and leans over the coffin and says

"Too late -- I've already done the paperwork"

“I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg.

I thought: This could be interesting”

How many Scotties does it take to change a lightbulb ?

Just one - though without the English taxpayer they
wouldn't be able to afford lightbulbs …..

With the expected drop in temperature

schools are advising all mothers to wear two pair of pyjamas when dropping off and picking up their children.

The wife said
"why the hell do you always go and stand in the street whenever I start singing?"

I said
"so the neighbours know I'm not beating you"

Never date a tennis player.

Love means nothing to them.

There were three applicants for an accountant's position.

The first one went in to be interviewed and was told he had to do a little test. "What's two plus two?" The applicant looked down at his hands. "No using your fingers" said the interviewer. Eventually the first applicant came up with the correct answer and was told that someone would be in touch with him.

The second applicant went to see the interviewer and quick as a flash, when asked what is two plus two, gave the correct answer. The interviewer nodded appreciatively, obviously impressed and again said that someone would be in touch.

The third interviewee was invited in and was asked the same question.
He instantly jumped up, went to the window, closed the blinds, went to the office door opened it, looked down the corridor, shut the door, went close up to the the interviewer and whispered in his ear

"What do you want it to be?"

I think we all know who got the job!

Mid-Wife for sale....

Can deliver

A man was walking down the street, when suddenly he was hit by a car.

A policeman that attended the scene said to the injured man "Did you get a look at the driver?"

"No" he replied "but I can tell you it was my wife"

"How's that ?"asked the policeman

And the man said "I would recognise her laugh anywhere"

Teacher; Say a sentence with dandelion in it?

Jamaican student; The cheetah can run faster dandelion

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic.

It's syncing now.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.

I just can't put it down.

My mate asked me if I remembered the wild parties we had in the 60s & 70s

Course I do; I've still got the Tupperware....

A weasel walks into a bar.

The bartender was gobsmacked "blimey - I've never served a weasel before, what would you like?"

"pop," goes the weasel.

Pemberton Newsflash !!

Police were called to a toddlers group where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

I suffer from kleptomania.....

When it gets really bad -- I take something for it.

What's the best thing about Switzerland?I dont know but the flag is a big plus


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

Years ago I was all set to be cast in a movie

Then Matt Damon swooped in and stole the lead role from me.

One day I’ll have my revenge.

I’ll make him sorry he was Bourne.

“Your finest Scotch, please”

“Yes Sir” the guy at Office World says

as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape.

Mrs Cordy didn't believe that I could build a car from spaghetti.

You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank....

Give a man a bank and he can rob the world.

When someone says
"You are the last person on my list I would want to hurt" there are two things to consider.

They already have a list, and you are on it.

My car broke down so I had a look under the bonnet and saw a bat sitting on the engine...

The bat said “Hello Sir, you are a handsome fellow and very nicely dressed too"

I could see the problem,

......... bat flattery

Wife texts husband on cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, wont open"

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with water"

Wife texts back about 10 minutes later:

"Computer really messed up now"

The dog ran off last night, so there I was walking round the park calling his name for 20mins and still couldn't find him.

My wife said I should look harder, so I shaved my head and got a tattoo...

Still can't find the bleedin' dog.....

Bloke went into a bank with a gun and said to the teller
"Give me all your money -- or you're geography"

the teller said, "Don't you mean history ?"

The bloke replied

"Don't try and change the subject"

My mate went on a date with a blonde woman last night

"Do you have any kids?" she asked

"Yes" he replied "I have one child that's just under two"

She said "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is"

PENSIONERS: Be careful in the travel agents--

18-30 holidays are not the bedtimes.....

After the honeymoon, the new wife tells her husband

“I think it’s time for you to stop hanging around with those friends of yours. matter of fact you need to tell them now to stop coming around or calling”

The husband replies “You’re starting to sound like my ex-wife”

His wife says “I thought you said you’ve never been married before”

The husband replied

“I haven’t”

A Wigan couple went tõ Spain for a self catering holiday.
When they arrived at the apartment She realised that they had no gravey for their Pools pie. She sends hubby round the villagto get some gravey
On his way he comes across a English bar.He thought he would enquire about the gravey.

Ast any Bisto He asked Sorry mate said the barman.. We dont speak Spanish

A new swanky Cannibal restaurant has just opened in Standish

it's £20 A head...

I play in a new band called 999 Megabytes....

…...we don't have a Gig yet.

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM'
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said
'It is 5:00 AM.... Wake up'

A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Von Bernuth, and sat down to explain his problem.
"Doctor, doctor!" he started.
"No need to repeat yourself, my good man" replied the doctor. "One 'doctor' is enough."

"Yes, well, you see, I've got this problem" the man continued
"I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. A large, white, hairy Pyrenees mountain dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!"
"A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly

"Come over here and lie down on the couch"

"Oh no, Doctor..... I'm not allowed up on the furniture"

….lost custody of the hamster too.....

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour.

I said “Wait, I can change”

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my French" after a swear word...

I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French....

If you want to find out who loves you more, stick your wife and dog in the boot of your car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is happy to see you?

Knock Knock

Who's there!

Eileen!
Eileen who?

Eileen Don your door-bell and broke it!

I went to Israel recently and had my harpoon confiscated.

Apparently I misunderstood what the Wailing Wall was.....

A blonde walking along the river saw another blonde walking towards her but on the opposite side of the river.

2nd blonde calls out, "Howe do I get to the opposite side of the river?"

1st blonde looks up and down the river and calls back....

"You ARE on the opposite side of the river"

Three blondes state that since man has landed on the moon, THEY are going to land on the sun.

Fellow gasps and says, On the Sun? Why you will burn up.

"We are not stupid" says one blonde, "We are going at night"

Word of advice ....

If you invite Julian Assange around for tea --

Whatever you do

Don’t say “Make yourself at home”

A Russian spy, an IRA supporter and a racist walk into a pub.

The barman says
"What can I get you, Mr Corbyn?"

If anyone knows how I got my nickname 'Elephant Boy' ........ I'm all ears....

A London solicitor parked his brand new Porsche in the front of his office to show it off to his colleagues.

As he was getting out of the car, a truck came speeding along too close to the kerb and took off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught the solicitor grabbed his mobile and called the police. Five minutes later the police arrive.
Before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the man started screaming hysterically:

“My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it’s at the panel beaters, it’ll never be the same again!”

After the man finally finished his rant, the policeman shook his head in disgust.
“I can’t believe how materialistic you solicitors are” he said.

“You lot are so focused on your possessions, that you don’t notice anything else in your life!”

“How can you say such a thing at a time like this?” sobbed the Porsche owner

“Didn’t you realise that your arm was torn off when the truck hit you?”

The man looked down in horror. “(Naughty word) Hell” he screamed

“Where’s my Rolex???”

Last night a bloke in the pub sold me a baby Stegosaurus for £400.

I don’t know how drunk I was but when I woke up this morning it’s just a cat with a Toblerone superglued to its back.

A motor mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a BMW M3
when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was
there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car
when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look
at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was
working on the BMW. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag
and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the
valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything
back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.
So how is that I make £30,000 a year and you make £90,000 when you and I are
doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, leaned over and whispered "Try doing it with the
engine running"

Just been on a diabetes awareness website -- and it asked me if I accept cookies.

Is that a trick question?

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter Ethel,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like
crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, For the love of God! Go!Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO! What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started
Waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the
Window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this
Is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!! Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

Woke last night in a cold sweat, shaking uncontrollably, my blood ran cold.......

I had just experienced the worst nightmare ever.........


I dreamt that my wife had sold everything in my workshop for what I told her it cost me.......

Apparently, in Saint Helens the marriage guidance service is called Related.

RIP John McCrirrick

Funeral service will be from the house at 10/1

Followed by burial at local graveyard at 5/2

Refreshments at local working mens club at 5/4

Is there a slight irony that supermarket Iceland has announced a ban on plastic packaging

to help preserve the marine life that ends up in their fish fingers?

When Lord Nelson died he was 5 feet tall..

His statue in London is 15 feet tall

That's Horatio of 3:1

I came out of Asda this morning and there was a woman crying her eyes out.

She'd lost all her holiday money.

I felt so sorry for her I gave her £50.

I don't usually do that kind of thing but I'd just found £2000 in the carpark.....

What's the difference between Billy Connelly and and Walt Disney.

Billy does stand up comedy and Walt Disney....

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

“Your Holiness” said one of his Cardinals “Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths”

The Pope thought this was a good idea but he had never held a golf club in his hands “Don’t we have a Cardinal to represent me?” he asked

“None who plays very well” the Cardinal replied “but there’s a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal. Then ask him to play Mr Netanyahu as our personal representative. in addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll also win the match”

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.

“I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness” said Nicklaus

“Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus” said the Pope

“Well, your Holiness, I don’t like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far

I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly
miraculous”

“There’s bad news?” asked the Pope.

“Yes, I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods"

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint.

The barman says ‘You’re in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?’

The horse replies ‘I don’t think I am’ and vanishes from existence.
The joke is about Descartes’ famous dictum ‘I think, therefore I am’

but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be to put Descartes before the horse.

A young lad is rummaging in the garage and finds his Dad's welding helmet and gauntlets. He puts them on and starts pretending that he's Darth Vader. After a while, he finds an old broom handle and starts waving it around like a light sabre.
He's having great fun and starts running up and down the street still playing at being Darth Vader.

Not long after, a very posh car pulls up and the driver leans out of the window and says 'Hello there, young man. Would you like to come for a ride in my car?'

'OK', says the boy, and climbs in the back seat.
So they're driving along, and the little boy is fascinated with the car. He's pressing the button to make the windows go up and down, switching the little courtesy lights on and off, swinging the middle armrest backwards and forwards and generally messing about.
The driver says to him 'If you do something for me, I've got a puppy that you can stroke'
'Er, no thank you, sir'
'I've got a big bag of sweets you can have'
'I don't think so, sir'
'You can have the puppy instead of just stroking him'
'Sorry sir, but no'
'What if I gave you £50?'
'I'm afraid not, sir'
'£100?'
The little boy goes quiet for a few seconds and then says 'I think I should be honest with you, sir.....I'm not a real welder!'

Police raided Kermits lily pad and found 100s of nude pictures of Miss Piggy.

They said it was the worst case of frogs porn ever seen.

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