Comedy

Anyone have any good jokes to share.

Some humour to cheer up readers in this cold/snowy spell.

I'll start it off with one of Milton Jones' lines:

"I come from a family of failed magicians, I have got two half sisters....."

Come on WWs, don't let me down.

An Engineer dies and goes to the pearly gates, St Peter sends him to hell and Although the engineer protests, he still has to go down, So he says ok while I'm here, I'll get those fires burning better and make some 'worm feeders' to load the coal, then he made escalators and introduced a new venting system so everyone had clean air,
A couple of months later, God and the Devil are having a meeting in the pub and The Devil mentions all the improvements and God said, where did you find him, St Peter sent him, said the Devil, But he should never have gone to you, Said God, Send him back right away or I will sue you.

The Devil laughed out loud,, Sue ME he said, Where the F^&*( are you going to get a Lawyer

Two engineers at Manchester airport worked through the night, by morning they were exhausted and had no bottled drink left ..Paddy says to Mick “I know let’s have a taste of the high octane fuel” Mick agrees and has a good drink,the next morning Paddy phones Mick and says ..have you broke wind yet ..Mick says no begorrah I haven’t…Paddy says well. don’t , I’m in morroco.

Ha Ha Good un that Momac,,

Technician: So, why did you pour hot water over your computer?

Customer: I asked Google what the cure was for frozen windows.

That’s a good ‘un Tom

Three gulag inmates are telling each other what they’re in for. The first one says, "I was five minutes late for work, and they charged me with sabotage." The second says, "For me it was just the opposite: I was five minutes early for work, and they charged me with espionage." The third one says, "I got to work right on time, and they charged me with harming the Soviet economy by acquiring a watch in a capitalist country".

I do like communist jokes: not belly laughs, but so often superb use of subtle irony to say something that people could not say openly. I think a bit more of thar would go down well nowadays.

I’m thinking of going on a charm offensive with whups.
I’ll do the charm and whups the offensive.

An old un, but one of my favourites:

Young lady consults psychologist.

SHE: Its my husband. He has lost all interest in sex. Can't get any response from him no matter what I do.

PSYCH: Well, this is what to do....(leans over and whispers instructions to her) Come back next week to tell me how you get on.


======One week later=====

PSYCH: Well, I can see from your sparkling countenance that you have had some success, tell me about it.

SHE: Absolutely brilliant, did what you said, and there was no holding him back: we made love with complete abandonment on the dining table. Crockery flying everywhere, hair in the butter: who cares.....

PSYCH: I am really pleased to hear of you success. The dining table: was that not a bit OTT?

SHE: Who cares! We would not have any intention of using that restaurant again!

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists, two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun saying "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no
matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair and you must kill her!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shootmy wife," to which the agent replied, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go
home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room and all was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes and said "I tried, but I can't kill my wife," so the agent said "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn and she was given the same instructions to kill her husband, so she took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one after another then they heard screaming, crashing and banging on the walls then, after a few minutes, all was quiet and the door opened slowly, and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "This gun is loaded with blanks so I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them!

As I approached the bridge over the beck, I was confronted by a little girl who proffered a twig, and said, "Pooh Sticks".

I replied, "It certainly does! Do you find the twig helpful, then?"

Little lad asked his dad, when my tortoise dies what will happen, his dad said that they would put him in a lovely wooden box, and get all your friends round and we would bury him in the garden, and then have a lovely party with sweets, ice cream and have lots of fun, little lad said,can I kill him now.

Dear British Museum,

Please find enclosed material which I have excavated: they are the remains of a Jewish man who died of a heart attack more than two thousand years ago.



Dear Archie Digger,

Thank you for sending these specimens to us.
Our experts have examined them, and they concur that they are the remains of a man, who was probably Jewish, and died more than two thousand years ago, as you have said.

Our experts cannot determine the cause of death, although they consider a heart attack is certainly a possibility.

They have asked me to communicate how impressed they are with your determination of these matters, and ask if maybe you will share with us how you reached these conclusions.


Dear British Museum,

Apologies if my prior submissions to you were incomplete, but I did not think you would be concerned with the other material which I had recovered, specifically the betting slip which he was still clutching in the remains of his hand, and which read: "TWENTY THOUSAND SHECKLES ON GOLIATH"

A Woman runs into a police station in a state of shock and wanted to report a ' flasher', The desk officer calmed her down and took her in a private interview room, Now then, what happened, asked the policeman,
She explained that a man in a car stopped at the kerb and asked her for directions to the town centre, he had a map on his lap, He then offered her the map to point out the way, As she picked up the map, he had no trousers on and was fully exposed, So she screamed and ran off and came to the police station to report it, The officer asked if the Man was in a state of excitement, The woman answered, No he was in a Ford Escort,

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

A lady celebrating her hundred year old birthday was visited by a reporter from the local newspaper who asked her if she had ever been bed ridden, to which she replied, "many a time and also table ended on a number of occasions, but do you have to ask personal questions"

A rare photo of Bruce Lee feeding his brother Brocca.

Three husbands from England, France and Germany on their honeymoon at a spanish hotel met up in the dining room the morning after the first night.

The Frenchman said to the German, how many times did you have sex and what did your wife say to which he answer, five times and she said "wunderbar".the German then asked the Frenchman the same question to which he answered six times and she said "oh, la, la". They then turned to the Englishman who said only the one time. After the Frenchman and German finished laughing, they asked what was her answer to which the Englishman said "Get off, its time for breakfast"