General   (General discussion, talk about anything.)

Gasmon, that was terrific! Here's my effort:

A Close Encounter of the Weird Kind

It were’t fancy dress ball at the local church hall
And we’d gone as Bonnie and Clyde;
There were all sorts there, ‘twas a brilliant affair
And we laffed so much that we cried.

There were pirates and elves, and we enjoyed ourselves
And a bloke went as Billie the Kid
The great big white bunny that looked really funny
As indeed all the rest of us did.

Then about half past nine I lit a Woodbine
And a peculiar thing did occur;
The doors opened wide and I could’ve died,
There were an alien standing right there!

He’d only one eye at the back of his head
So I walked around’t back of him calm;
I looked in his eye and it looked a bit sly
But I didn’t think he would do harm.

His eye was quite red and so to him I said,
“Tha’s getten some cowd in thi’ eye
Tha’ needs a few drops, tha’ con ger’em from’t shops,”
And then from his bum came a sigh.

“That’s a great fancy dress, neh just let me guess,
Is it Billy Malone from down’t road?”
Then came hopping by was owd Jimmy McFly
Dressed up as a big ugly toad.

The stranger said nowt so I start to shout
Thinking he mit be deef as a post.
Then I noticed three arms an’e’d eyes in his palms
Then hovering by went a ghost.

“Tha’ favvers a treat, wor’ast done at thi’ feet?
Ee lad, that there eye looks so sore.”
His feet were quite round an’a said “I’ll be bound
Tha’s an eye on the end of each toe!”

He said “nik-a-nak,” I were taken aback
As the sound had come from his rear end
He said “nik-nak-noo” so I said “How do?”
And then from his waist he did bend.

When he talked through his bum it made me feel glum
As he nik-nakked and noo’d all o’er’t place.
He were trying to speak bur’it left me all weak
An’a said “Wor’ast tha’ done at thi’ face?”

“Tha’s getten no nose so I have to suppose
That ya breathe through yer backside and burp.
Wor’else can you do, can ya sing through it too?
I can see yer a bit of a twerp!”

He nik-nakked and noo’d an’a thowt it were rude
When wouldn’t speyk up to me proper
I said to him “Si’ thi’, who’s come in here wi’ thi?
If tha’ dussen’t speyk reet tha'ra cropper!”

He started to twiddle wi’ knobs on his chest
Then out of his bum came a swish.
“MY NAME IS REDER TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
OR ANYONE WHO CAN SPEAK ENGLISH!”

Jimmy Wriggle called out who had come as a scout
And he laughed as he swigged at his ale.
“That’s not Malone, he’s come as a phone,”
And at that I went visibly pale.

Turning back to the stranger I suddenly saw
His ears – a peculiar shape
They were’t size of a cauli and he sez, “Now Mollie,
Your mouth has gone wide and agape!”

“It’s hardly surprising neh is it owd lad.
I can see that yer nor’a full shillin’.
Ya talk through yer arse, it’s a bit of a farce,
At the circus ya’d mek a great killin!”

Whilst stood at the bar I asked if he’d come far,
He looked sad as he stared me in’t face.
“I thowt it were swanky in this part o’ Lanky
Bur’ave getten’t go wom up in space.

“Wiv getten yer language all wrong lickle lass,
When I gets back wom they’ll all know.
And then a bit later we’ll have’t alter’t data,
Ickle come as a bit of a blow!

“Wiv bin studying English for several years
And because I could speyk it the best,
They sent me for’t day so I cawn’t stay for’t play
Ickle put them daft buggers to’t test.

“They’ll have to start learning all o’er again
And learn all yer vowels from scratch.
They’ll send me agen in a year, mebbe ten
But from a distance all I’ll do is watch.

“They’ll study it close an’ I’ll go on a course
To make sure tharra speyk proper weel.
Then without a sound I’ll come down on the ground
Bur'a might be in London or Deal!

“The first place I went was a grove down in Hove
And they couldn’t mek out worra said.
I got chased by a bobby so I run up a lobby.
I were lucky I didn’t end up dead!”

Sadly he turned as he started to leave
Then he asked me if I had a sprocket.
“Am sorry owd lad, neh tha’s made me feel bad.
Wot’s it for, does it go in thi’ rocket?”

“It dun’t matter, sez he, but we’ll just wait and see
Burra need just a cupful o’ gin.
It’s just a renewal for me tank full o’ fuel.”
Then his bum gave me such a wide grin.

It were just after that, that he finally left
And we waved him goodbye from the ground.
It made us feel warm that he’d meant us no harm
But was friendly and clever and sound.

We never forgot him that alien from space
And we told folk that he’d come from Mars
But they were agog and thought we’d lost a cog
When we said thar’e’d talked through his arse!

© Mollie M
30.06.05