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ADD YOUR ONE LINER FOR A GIGGLE...................

Started by: lizziedownunder (6894) 

Let us have a bit of a laugh with one liners...............

What the ???? was the big yellow van doing next to the police station...


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Started: 15th Jun 2014 at 12:11
Last edited by lizziedownunder: 6th Jul 2014 at 21:52:23

Posted by: ecmdj (8186) 

start us off lizzie

Replied: 15th Jun 2014 at 14:48

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

Was it the AA?

Replied: 15th Jun 2014 at 15:01

Posted by: momac (10918) 

It was the Black Maria painted to disguise it then....

Replied: 15th Jun 2014 at 15:46

Posted by: sonlyme (2623)

They're mustard those Aussie police.

Replied: 15th Jun 2014 at 17:42

Posted by: ayrefield (4465)

It was the end of the day when the officer parked his big yellow police van in front of the station.
As he was gathering his equipment, his K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and it was then that the officer spotted the little red haired boy staring at him.
"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.
"It sure is," the policeman replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at the officer and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

Replied: 16th Jun 2014 at 12:50

Posted by: evelyn (421)

He chased a little boy who asked too many questions.

Replied: 16th Jun 2014 at 21:38

Posted by: rbilly (10582)

but if you want to learn some thing and you do not understand how will learn Iany thing ? if I do not ask questions said rbilly

Replied: 23rd Jun 2014 at 00:20

Posted by: lizziedownunder (6894) 

But what kind of questions are the right questions....for if questions are not asked...how will we know what is going on in....

Replied: 26th Jun 2014 at 21:55

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

yellow vans...

Replied: 27th Jun 2014 at 08:51

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

Sexual Intercourse is hereditary !

Chances are that if your parents never had sexual intercourse, you wont either.

Replied: 27th Jun 2014 at 21:12

Posted by: lizziedownunder (6894) 

Well someone is missing out on a bit of...

Replied: 27th Jun 2014 at 22:05

Posted by: Anne (3795) 

Hanky panky...

Replied: 27th Jun 2014 at 22:08

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

or Hokey Cokey, when they...

Replied: 28th Jun 2014 at 08:59

Posted by: Anne (3795) 

show their prudish side....

(Left-right side in shake it all about etc.)

Replied: 28th Jun 2014 at 09:20
Last edited by Anne: 28th Jun 2014 at 09:46:08

Posted by: lizziedownunder (6894) 

In the back seats of the....

Replied: 28th Jun 2014 at 12:25

Posted by: momac (10918) 

Flicks,when the lights go down and he reaches out to...

Replied: 28th Jun 2014 at 12:49

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

get a taste of her Candy Floss

Replied: 28th Jun 2014 at 20:27

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

and grabbed her ice lolly by mistake...

Replied: 29th Jun 2014 at 13:27

Posted by: momac (10918) 

And that sure made his eyes water..all the more so when he saw her...

Replied: 29th Jun 2014 at 13:31

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

popcorn - he just couldn't control himself

Replied: 29th Jun 2014 at 20:03

Posted by: momac (10918) 

As he made a grab for it the usherette came along and shone her torch directly at him,and said..

Replied: 30th Jun 2014 at 19:32

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

wait until the lights go down....

Replied: 30th Jun 2014 at 20:55

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

"But if I can't see what i'm doing, I might grab her candy floss and think it's her popcorn, then my fingers will be all sticky"

Replied: 30th Jun 2014 at 21:34

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

but then, we kissed, and she was so warm and inviting, and the feelings ran rampant....so we....

Replied: 2nd Jul 2014 at 20:35

Posted by: Anne (3795) 

shared the candy floss AND the popcorn then the lights came on and everyone saw......

Replied: 2nd Jul 2014 at 20:39

Posted by: momac (10918) 

that what he really wanted above anything else in the world was...

Replied: 2nd Jul 2014 at 21:18

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

to borrow her cherry and white scarf ...

Replied: 3rd Jul 2014 at 00:17

Posted by: kameras (444) 

A man who critisized me for moving down under, was going over the top.

Replied: 3rd Jul 2014 at 05:25

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

When he took her to the rugby match, with his borrowed scarf, she said...

Replied: 3rd Jul 2014 at 08:38

Posted by: kathpressey (5162) 

so are we supported the ones in red and white or the ones in white and red?

Replied: 4th Jul 2014 at 09:01

Posted by: momac (10918) 

He said I don't know..just keep watching...

Replied: 5th Jul 2014 at 10:45

Posted by: lizziedownunder (6894) 

.....for the ice cream man....he always knows what is going on for he is......

Replied: 6th Jul 2014 at 21:51

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

gay, and knows everyone. He approached the pizza man and said to him....

Replied: 8th Jul 2014 at 20:14

Posted by: momac (10918) 

Giz a kiss..but the pizza man told him...

Replied: 8th Jul 2014 at 20:22

Posted by: kathpressey (5162) 

"Nay lad, I'm married to.."

Replied: 9th Jul 2014 at 08:54

Posted by: momac (10918) 

A gorgeous blonde lass,nobody could make me be unfaithful to her..unless they...

Replied: 9th Jul 2014 at 09:24

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

dressed as gorgeous blonde lass, ooooh ah...

Replied: 9th Jul 2014 at 19:36

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

but I got pizzas to deliver to...

Replied: 20th Jul 2014 at 17:18

Posted by: momac (10918) 

A few wiganworlders and if I'm late there's no telling what they'll do,so before I get told off I'll start with.....

Replied: 20th Jul 2014 at 18:14

Posted by: Anne (3795) 

Everyone in Ince then onto Swinley and Springfield, go back to base for more orders then to.....

Replied: 20th Jul 2014 at 18:25

Posted by: momac (10918) 

Beech Hill.. Woodhouse Lane..and hope they all like pepperoni
before I go and fill the delivery van with....

Replied: 20th Jul 2014 at 20:10

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

pepperoni sticks and mushrooms and then I will be providing a special offer on ....

Replied: 21st Jul 2014 at 13:49

Posted by: kathpressey (5162) 

for anyone who can phone up and order using the magic code word...

Replied: 21st Jul 2014 at 18:41

Posted by: momac (10918) 

Which is...

Replied: 21st Jul 2014 at 19:44

Posted by: lizziedownunder (6894) 

.....none of your business.....because if you start giving magic codes out all hell breaks loose at the......

Replied: 21st Jul 2014 at 22:05

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

'Magic Code Factory' which recently changed ownership, the new owner is dyslexic, but worse than that, he comes from St Helens.

Replied: 22nd Jul 2014 at 02:11

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

and he realised because of this he had no hope so he...

Replied: 22nd Jul 2014 at 08:29

Posted by: Anne (3795) 

Went off to the chippy where he found.....

Replied: 22nd Jul 2014 at 08:40

Posted by: kathpressey (5162) 

a lottery ticket that someone had dropped on the floor..

Replied: 22nd Jul 2014 at 08:45

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

However the ticket had been stepped on many times by people wearing both clogs and high heel shoes, this caused the numbers to be unreadable - however .....

Replied: 22nd Jul 2014 at 19:58

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

the ticket was read by a bar code reader in the local shop and guess what?.....

Replied: 23rd Jul 2014 at 14:57

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

YES ! you guessed right,but his exclamation caused his heart to flutter and guess what ???

Replied: 23rd Jul 2014 at 20:10

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

the ticket was five years out of date....and worth a million pounds....but he...

Replied: 23rd Jul 2014 at 22:26

Posted by: Anne (3795) 

thought I can have a bit of fun fooling friends with this....

Replied: 23rd Jul 2014 at 22:34

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

So he washed his face, polished his clogs, put on his clean flat cap and walked down to the local ....

Replied: 24th Jul 2014 at 02:50

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

where he showed it around and all his mates shouted, "Mine's a pint". He cringed and he...

Replied: 24th Jul 2014 at 11:49

Posted by: Anne (3795) 

turned to the ladies one of whom really believed he had won, so started planning...

Replied: 24th Jul 2014 at 12:16

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

to get her groceries delivered instead of taking the bus to Tesco on a Friday.

Replied: 24th Jul 2014 at 20:36

Posted by: lizziedownunder (6894) 

.....because busses to Tesco were always full of the biggest......

Replied: 24th Jul 2014 at 21:50

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

balloons, but only on a Friday. That was because the 'Biggest Balloon Factory' always gave away the surplus stock they had on a Friday, so they could start making fresh 'biggest balloons' again on a Monday ...

Replied: 25th Jul 2014 at 01:50

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

so he hid the old ticket and bought a round, when he realised that the ticket date was actually still valid for just a few more days...

Replied: 25th Jul 2014 at 17:01

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

He 'supped' his pint quickly, went wom, tuk out his ticket agen and confirmed that the ticket expired in 3 days time.
He had no time to spare, quickly ....

Replied: 25th Jul 2014 at 22:07

Posted by: graneyjoseph (4618) 

I was told by a catholic school teacher about my school prospects to pull my socks up,I bent down to pull them up and got a slap on the head ,thank you miss.

Replied: 26th Jul 2014 at 22:08

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

...he contacted the lottery office and verified that he had indeed, won a fortune. He then booked a ticket to...

Replied: 27th Jul 2014 at 08:41

Posted by: Anne (3795) 

tour WW1 battle grounds and visit his grandfathers war grave...

Replied: 27th Jul 2014 at 10:15

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

But first he must present the winning ticket and get the money into his bank account ...

Replied: 27th Jul 2014 at 20:05

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

After the money was paid into his account he went to the WW1 battle grounds to visit his grandfathers grave..his grandfather was German....

Replied: 28th Jul 2014 at 09:21

Posted by: lizziedownunder (6894) 

.......apple cake....which is delicious in a big bowl with hot custard on cold days and ice cream on hot days but never....

Replied: 28th Jul 2014 at 22:26

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

with lots of cinnamon because he was allergic to cinnamon which brought him out in...

Replied: 29th Jul 2014 at 09:33

Posted by: momac (10918) 

Lots of spots and go around the town singing at the top of his voice....

Replied: 29th Jul 2014 at 13:59

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

which further complicated the situation because he sang in the German language with a German accent. However, when he stopped singing he spoke in his beloved Wigan language complete with accent.

Replied: 29th Jul 2014 at 18:41

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

..and now, what to do with all this money..??? Upon returning home, to Wigan, he was walking around town one sunny day when he saw....

Replied: 29th Jul 2014 at 19:06

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

a Bond Mini Car for sale ! it was a 1960 two seater, three wheel car, painted fire engine red. It was something he had always wanted and now he could afford to buy one ....

Replied: 30th Jul 2014 at 02:41

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

sadly, the cost of petrol had gone all out of proportion to his pension...

Replied: 31st Jul 2014 at 09:16

Posted by: Anne (3795) 

nevertheless with his cloth cap and clogs all the girls would look at him and say.....

Replied: 31st Jul 2014 at 09:55

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

that's a bonny mini you have there, oud lad, can we...?

Replied: 31st Jul 2014 at 15:52

Posted by: Anne (3795) 

"Squeeze three in there and go off to Blackpool?" "It's only a two seater" he said. However......

Replied: 31st Jul 2014 at 16:08

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

one can sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that comes up." You are too old for that" she laughed. "But," he said...

Replied: 31st Jul 2014 at 17:27

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

lets give it a try - so they pushed and pulled, breathed in and squeezed into the Bond Mini Car, all went well until ...

Replied: 31st Jul 2014 at 19:22

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

the wheel fell off...

Replied: 31st Jul 2014 at 23:22

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

and it couldn't have happened in a worse place - right outside the Orrell Police Station in Gathurst Road ....

Replied: 1st Aug 2014 at 01:50

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

"Nah then..!! What's all this 'ere?" said the bluebottle...

Replied: 2nd Aug 2014 at 14:57

Posted by: Anne (3795) 

" well..er, er it's sort of a game, a challenge you see constable". The constable scratched his head and said "I'll get the new sergeant, Dixon is his name, up from London".....

Replied: 2nd Aug 2014 at 15:07

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

"that's not George Dixon who was based at Dock Green is it" ? "Certainly is" replied the constable.
" My goodness ! he married my cousin, I had heard he was hoping to get a transfer back to Lancashire".

Replied: 2nd Aug 2014 at 20:10

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

"In the mean time, you just get yon wheel back on, or I'll nick you. Then I'll"...

Just then the new sergeant appeared...

Replied: 3rd Aug 2014 at 08:37
Last edited by fred mason: 3rd Aug 2014 at 08:38:47

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

"Hello George - how are you ? it's good to see you back in Lancashire, you're looking good, how's the wife and kids" ?

Replied: 3rd Aug 2014 at 22:07

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

"They are fine, Harry. How are you.? What's wrong with this lot and their car?"

"Eyup, aren't you my cousins hubby?" cried Sergeant Dixon to the driver of the mini...

Replied: 4th Aug 2014 at 09:45

Posted by: r.fisher (598)

No but I look like him.

Replied: 6th Aug 2014 at 18:22

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

On yer way then, and don't let me catch you...

Replied: 8th Aug 2014 at 08:51

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224)

playing pocket snooker and looking at the ladies through the W.I window

Replied: 9th Aug 2014 at 12:24

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

The car fixed, they went on their way. Meanwhile down on the canal bank at Red Rock there was a strange looking...

Replied: 15th Aug 2014 at 10:42
Last edited by fred mason: 15th Aug 2014 at 10:42:51

Posted by: Anne (3795) 

bird with hoola hoola feathers making a whoopee croak...

Replied: 15th Aug 2014 at 10:50

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

upon closer inspection it was identified as the very rare male legless bird from southern Zambia called a 'Homygoolies' so named after the cry it makes when landing.

Replied: 15th Aug 2014 at 22:07

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

The local fisherman saw this and was amazed, so amazed that he decided to call in the...

Replied: 16th Aug 2014 at 04:55

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

Fairhurst Ice Cream seller - he was sure that when word got out about the bird, thousands if not millions of people would come to take a look.

Replied: 16th Aug 2014 at 07:34

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

Soon, the canal bank was covered with twitchers and many more ice creams sellers arrived and started to ....

Replied: 16th Aug 2014 at 09:17

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

ply there trade, they were followed by balloon sellers, jugglers, baked potato sellers etc. Then suddenly and without notice or fanfare ......

Replied: 16th Aug 2014 at 13:28

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

a Homygoolie bird landed and shouted...

Replied: 16th Aug 2014 at 15:05

Posted by: Anne (3795) 

"Geroutofit I was here first" to everyones amazement as it had a true Wigan twang....

Replied: 16th Aug 2014 at 15:27

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

Not only did it have a Wigan twang, but when it raised its left wing and a flat cap fell out which it immediately placed on its head ...

Replied: 16th Aug 2014 at 20:38

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

and a meat pie fell from under it's right wing and people KNEW it was a Wigan Homygoolie bird and not from southern Zambia after all. So they all...

Replied: 16th Aug 2014 at 22:48

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

started to sing ...

A Homygoolie has landed in Wigan
Its got a flat cap on its yed
With a gradely meat pie under its right wing
Will give a name and its Fred

Replied: 17th Aug 2014 at 00:30

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

ooooh-ah!!

A music scout heard the singing and picked two of the singers who had lovely voices to go to...

Replied: 17th Aug 2014 at 08:59

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

'The Royal World Wide Sound Of Music Extravaganza' to be held at Wigan Pier.
As the name implies, the show will be held in the prescence of Her Majesty the Queen accompanied by the Duke of Edinburgh.

Replied: 17th Aug 2014 at 09:16

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

..."Oh, jolly nice.!" cried the Queen and everyone clapped. Just then the Homygoolie bird landed in the canal and shouted, "I cawn't swim.!!"...

Replied: 18th Aug 2014 at 09:27

Posted by: Anne (3795) 

The Queen became very distressed and urged one of the corgies to jump in but not being of a retriever breed......

Replied: 18th Aug 2014 at 09:39

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

he found it very difficult to perform a recovery, in fact he did more harm than good by just barking and barking causing the Homygoolie to panic more - but rescue was on its way in the form of an old pit pony that was grazing along the canal bank ...

Replied: 18th Aug 2014 at 11:04

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

...the old pit pony was very smart, even after spending many years underground, so he backed up to the canal and hung his tail into the water, whereupon the Homygoolie bird grabbed it and his life was saved...

Replied: 18th Aug 2014 at 15:18

Posted by: lizziedownunder (6894) 

...everybody cheered....they were so thankful to the old pit pony so they awarded him the key to the town....which opened every door that was important....the old pit pony was about to make a speech when....

Replied: 18th Aug 2014 at 19:57

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

suddenly out of the sky appeared a very large bird, similar in appearance to Homygoolie but with certain parts of its anatomy missing !
Upon closer examination when it landed, it was indeed the female equivalent of the Homygoolie bird.
Everyone cheered and clapped with excitement, Her Majesty stepped forward and granted both birds royal protection, the Duke said that they would take both birds back to London and they would live in the grounds of Buckingham Palace - "Neigh Neigh you cawn't do that" shouted the pit pony "these birds are Wigan birds not London birds" .....

Replied: 18th Aug 2014 at 20:14

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

The Homypussy bird said to the Homygoolie bird, 'Quick, lets make a run for it, or a fly for it,' so off they took, waving goodbye to Her Majesty and headed for Wutchy Ruckk...

Replied: 18th Aug 2014 at 23:00

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

However as they headed for Wutchy Ruckk storm clouds started to appear in the distance. They decided to change direction and headed for UpHolland, as they neared the village of UpHolland they saw Dean Wood with the golf course alongside. That would make a smooth landing place for us chirped Homygoolie "yes" said Homypussy "and we could raise a family in the woods".

Replied: 19th Aug 2014 at 23:48

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

So, they built a beautiful nest in amongst the bushes. It was layered with fine hairs and cobwebs and was so comfortable. She laid six eggs and they hatched into the most lovely...

Replied: 20th Aug 2014 at 06:39

Posted by: Anne (3795) 

fluffy chicks. The image of the parent Homy birds..... except for one....

Replied: 20th Aug 2014 at 07:53

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

which had a pink tinge to its feathers, plus a long neck and legs, long lanky legs.

Replied: 20th Aug 2014 at 10:58

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

obviously from a long necked, long legged, Homycuckoo bird from Leigh...

Replied: 20th Aug 2014 at 13:30

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

but what was originally thought to be obvious was soon bringing a change of mind - this bird spoke with a plum in its mouth. It had an educated accent, similar to one you would associate with Oxford.

Replied: 21st Aug 2014 at 06:43

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

The posh accent was hereditary since the new born Homicuckoo bird had not had time to attend uni. So, as the media gathered around it the question was, from which parent did the Homicuckoo bird get it's posh accent...?

Replied: 21st Aug 2014 at 09:41

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

Not only was its posh accent a surprise, but when it produced a Samsung Galaxy S5 from under its right wing and started to take photographs of the assembled media and appeared to be emailing them, then the media were totally flummoxed.

Replied: 21st Aug 2014 at 21:31

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

...and so the Homicuckoo bird jumped onto the back of the old pit pony which then galloped away into the distance after depositing a pile of manure on the canal bank. 'Phew,' cried the media and Her Majesty passed out with the smell. Whereupon...

Replied: 22nd Aug 2014 at 08:12

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

Aggie Gray who lived very close by, ran along the canal bank with a bucket and shovel and scooped the manure up. The Duke of Edinburgh seeing this shouted "I say old girl, what are you going to do with that manure" ?
Aggie replied in her best posh Wigan accent "am goin put it on me rhubarb".
To which the Duke retorted "You are going to put it on your rhubarb ? in Buckinham Palace we put custard on our rhubarb"

Replied: 23rd Aug 2014 at 06:16

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

So, Aggie being a proud Wigan lady went indoors to make a bucket of custard. When it had cooled she went outside into the garden and poured it on to her growing rhubarb.

'No,no,'cried the Queen. 'He was just joking.'

'Please Mrs Gray, you must come to tea at the Palace. We'll send a car for you'. The car arrived a week later and Aggie got in with all her finery upon her...

Replied: 23rd Aug 2014 at 08:15

Posted by: Anne (3795) 

Arriving at the palace she was complimented on her hat. "Ne'then young feller these ere fithers come off a homygoolie bird. Fished um ewt ot cut. Thas sin nowt like it bifoor. Tell thi what I'll sell um to thi later on." So a bargain was struck......

(Hard trying to do a Wigan accent when spell checker won't let me)

Replied: 23rd Aug 2014 at 08:52

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

Replied: 23rd Aug 2014 at 11:52

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

at least Aggie thought a bargain had been struck, but Prince Harry had been taught from an early age that if he didn't understand what had been said he should simply smile and nod his head.

Replied: 25th Aug 2014 at 04:40

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

At one point Aggie said to Prince Harry,

"Tha reminds mi o' yon mon i't filums."

Prince Harry smiled and nodded his head, at which point Aggie thought what a strange young man indeed, so she further said in her strong Wigan accent....

Replied: 25th Aug 2014 at 15:58

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

"ast gettin eny loos rown ere, am deeing for a pee" with that Prince Harry summoned a footman and left the area ...

Replied: 25th Aug 2014 at 21:30

Posted by: Anne (3795) 

Following Prince Harry's compliments others had noticed the hat and soon there was quite a long queue outside the ladies (not for the usual reason) but to see the wonderful feathers. There was much pushing and shoving when Aggie emerged leading to....

Replied: 25th Aug 2014 at 21:52

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

a fight amongst the ladies of the court. Never had they seen such beautiful feathers on a hat and in true regal style.....

...they punched each other, and screamed at each other, in order to steal the feathers of the Homigooly bird from Aggie, who simply said, in a genuine, Wigan, ladylike manner....

Replied: 26th Aug 2014 at 18:21
Last edited by fred mason: 26th Aug 2014 at 18:21:47

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

naw why dont ya all sit thee sels down on we con tawk abawt what this palaver is al abawt.
With that, most of the 'ladies' had a comical puzzling look on there faces, but they sat down.
No sooner had they got settled when suddenly a loud distinguished voice announced "His Royal Highness Prince Charles" - with that they all (with the exception of Aggie) jumped up and started to courtsey as Charlie entered the room.

Replied: 27th Aug 2014 at 04:39

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

... so one of the court ladies whispered to Aggie, 'Please stand and courtsey to Prince Charles'.

'I'll do nowt o't sort' replied Aggie.

A true Wigan lass, honest and good....

Replied: 28th Aug 2014 at 21:18

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

dusnt need to bow down an scrape to anyone has allers bin Aggies seyin.

From the look on Charles face, he was not pleased. In fact he showed his displeasure by whispering to one of the courtiers which resulted in Aggie being escorted out of Buckingham Palace and told not to return .....

Replied: 29th Aug 2014 at 20:54

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

..so Aggie returned to Wigan where she was greeted as a hero, for standing up for her principles. Even though Wigan was a Royalist town in the Civil War the people are now...

Replied: 30th Aug 2014 at 08:38

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

speaking about her as being famous, in fact down at the laundromat last weekend a woman was heard to say "urs as famous as Billy" and when one of the other women said "who the bloody hell is Billy" - the reply came in harmony from two women "Billy Boston of course".

Replied: 1st Sep 2014 at 21:23

Posted by: PeterP (7862)

One of the woman said even Billy is known by the Queen and have had tea together in the palace garden

Replied: 3rd Sep 2014 at 08:42

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

Aggie said, "Aye, he were a great player and the present team are just as good, in fact they are..."

Replied: 4th Sep 2014 at 09:54

Posted by: Anne (3795) 

"wurld beaters an ah think ah should gie um mi fithers fot bring um luck" and so she did. They are now on display in the trophy cabinet. The whereabouts of the homygoolie birds are unknown.....

Replied: 5th Sep 2014 at 20:26

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

to most folk - but word has it that Jemmy Pullaver the well known rag n bone man who originally came from scholes but is now living somewhere near Billinge has got both the the homygoolie and the homypussy in a disused barn, he is hoping to breed from them ....

Replied: 5th Sep 2014 at 23:30
Last edited by dennis dickinson: 5th Sep 2014 at 23:31:09

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

which eventually he did, and produced a nest full of Homychicks. Some however had stripes, and some had spots, which made Jemmy wonder if...

Replied: 6th Sep 2014 at 16:34

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

that was how you could tell which were homygoolies and which were homypussys. He asked Ivor Knackeroff the local vet if that could be the way to sex the chicks. Ivor scratched his bald head and consulted Dr Google who couldn't cast any light on the subject. So Jemmy decided to go down to the pub for a few pints and ask his mates.
Owd Ben who was a legend in his own head, said that when he wur a lad they used to sex chicks by shaking them, if they rattled they were boys, if they didn't they were girls.

Replied: 7th Sep 2014 at 20:20

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

and it came to pass that when Jemmy shook the striped chicks, they rattled and the spotted ones did not...and verily he was so confused at this stage that he sold the blo--y lot and bought some pigeons. Unfortunately he bought them via th'internet and when they arrived....some were striped and some were spotted...

Replied: 9th Sep 2014 at 09:45

Posted by: PeterP (7862)

Jemmy should have worn his glasses when he bought the pigeonsThey where American pigeons has they where coloured in stars and stripes. He would have spotted this straight away

Replied: 9th Sep 2014 at 10:31

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

But it wasn't long before the chicks started to chirp in harmony and Jemmy thought he could hear the occasional word, he listened carefully and slowly but surely he made out the words - "Oh, say! can you see by the dawn's early light
What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming;
Whose broad stripes and bright stars, through the perilous fight"
My goodness they were singing the national anthem of the U.S.A.

Replied: 11th Sep 2014 at 22:39

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

By gum, thowt Jemmy.

"I'll put yon lot on show". So at the next pigeon fanciers meeting he put them out alongside all the other birds who promptly called them all 'Yanks'. "Naw then, what to do here.?"...

Replied: 12th Sep 2014 at 03:27

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

asked Bill (who was still wearing the same shirt he had on when he got married 45 years ago).
Wi cornt have that kind o language rowned ere tuday, cos American ambassador is supposedly cumin - itll bi reported int Wigin Observer that wur prejudished.

Replied: 13th Sep 2014 at 23:38

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

'Nay, we're not prejudished', cried the Homigoolie bird as he flew in and landed.

'I once flew to America and was greeted warmly. The Yanks are lovely people and treated me well.'

He then flew away to search for his Homipussy partner...

Replied: 18th Sep 2014 at 12:25

Posted by: Anne (3795) 

Having heard the Homygoolie bird saying how he had enjoyed visiting the US Jemmy decided to put his singing pigeons on the internet and make a fortune. There was little response until he videoed them and then.....

Replied: 21st Sep 2014 at 14:48

Posted by: bassman (3591)

Simun Cowil axed im fot cum on thex factur....

Replied: 22nd Sep 2014 at 23:10

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

and so it came to pass that the Homygoolie bird DID appear on't thex factur and then flew away, never to be heard of again, except in a song.

Meanwhile down at the DW stadium, on a sunny Saturday afternoon, the crowd were egging on their favourite team, crying, 'Come on you ...'

Replied: 28th Sep 2014 at 14:59
Last edited by fred mason: 28th Sep 2014 at 15:01:30

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

Come on, all you budding authors....let's go... get writing...we are all waiting with BAITED BREATH...

Replied: 2nd Oct 2014 at 18:46

Posted by: kathpressey (5162) 

!....Come on You Warriors"!The lights were so bright that people thought it was Saturday already, when actually it was still Friday night. Max the mascot was completely dazzled and fell over his own feet.
The crowd roared as Budgie Burgess won the game.
Poor old Max was Stretchered off. So who could be the mascot at the Superleague Final???
Could it be the mighty Homygoolie bird?

Replied: 7th Oct 2014 at 13:46

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

"No way..!!"

Cried the Homygoolie bird..."I am retired and do not want to be a mascot for anyone. Go and try the .....

Replied: 14th Oct 2014 at 18:48

Posted by: lizziedownunder (6894) 

..... old dragonbird that lives out Preston way....she hasn't done much in a while.....she may be willing if you give her a......

Replied: 14th Oct 2014 at 21:33

Posted by: Anne (3795) 

Jar of Uncle Joe's mint balls to keep her all aglow.

Replied: 14th Oct 2014 at 21:59

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

...an' if her don't like Uncle Joe's Mint Balls then there is always the...

Replied: 15th Oct 2014 at 09:30

Posted by: graneyjoseph (4618) 

fishermans friend...

Replied: 18th Oct 2014 at 10:27

Posted by: peter48 (2751)

to suck on until..

Replied: 18th Oct 2014 at 22:02

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

...Spring arrives when the old dragonbird begins to think of mating with...

Replied: 19th Oct 2014 at 01:57

Posted by: lanky11 (4088) 

Betty a big black crow that liked pie and a pint or two. so they flew into the pub and the bar tender said... as he turned on the telly behind the bar It is time to watch the magic round about.and Brian said...

Replied: 19th Oct 2014 at 05:34
Last edited by lanky11: 19th Oct 2014 at 09:24:45

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

..Guinness, Thwaites or Greenalls, and the dragonbird declared that...

Replied: 19th Oct 2014 at 19:59

Posted by: Anne (3795) 

Guinness would give her the courage to ask the big black crow why his name was Betty..."

Replied: 19th Oct 2014 at 20:57

Posted by: lanky11 (4088) 

So he asked her why do they call you Betty and he said because I like to wear mi feathers long. So then .....

Replied: 20th Oct 2014 at 14:22

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

...they cover all of me and I can sneak up on the females without being spotted as a male...

Replied: 20th Oct 2014 at 15:31

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

...and when I grab a female, I...

Replied: 29th Oct 2014 at 17:19

Posted by: rbilly (10582)

plump up me great big ...

Replied: 3rd Nov 2014 at 21:33

Posted by: Anne (3795) 

Tail feathers

Replied: 3rd Nov 2014 at 21:37

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

..so, after mating with the females the old dragonbird flew off to the ...

Replied: 6th Nov 2014 at 08:13

Posted by: Anne (3795) 

fred, fred, fred the dragon bird is FEMALE

Replied: 6th Nov 2014 at 08:27

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224)

don,t knock it anne

Replied: 6th Nov 2014 at 12:17

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

ooooops...should have gone to specsavers...

..so, after mating with the males the old dragonbird flew off to the ...

Replied: 6th Nov 2014 at 12:27

Posted by: Anne (3795) 

house of Santa Clause to help in any way she could, there she met up with many of her elf friends and wouldn't be back until....

Replied: 6th Nov 2014 at 12:56

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

..Santa had completed his rounds all over the country with the dragon bird in the lead and directing Santa and his reindeer to all the good boys and girls wot deserved lovely toys....or did they?......

Replied: 6th Nov 2014 at 17:33
Last edited by fred mason: 10th Nov 2014 at 09:08:21

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

"What happened", cried the DragonBird.

Everyone has stopped writing about me...

"Well now, I am going to go out and ..."

Replied: 16th Nov 2014 at 15:12

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

Well, Lizzie,

It looks like the poor old Dragonbird has died...

R.I.P. Dragonbird....

Replied: 23rd Nov 2014 at 17:01

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

But what was not known, was that Dragonbird was not a true pedigree !
Dragonbird was a crossbreed, which would soon become apparent ...
When it was suspected that Dragonbird had died, the final resting place of the carcass was atop a pyre.
Dragonbird was set to be cremated !
However, as the flames started to engulf Dragonbird and tears started to flow from those witnessing the event - suddenly out of the flames and smoke arose ---------------------
A Phoenix
Dragonbird was indeed half Dragonbird and half Phoenix.
The reincarnation of the Phoenix was complete as the Phoenix flew to and landed on the branch of a nearby Oak tree ...

Replied: 23rd Nov 2014 at 17:58

Posted by: PeterP (7862)

And watched quietly as Santa went home to Mrs Santa who had his tea ready for him after he had been working hard getting ready for Christmas

Replied: 23rd Nov 2014 at 19:04

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

All was quiet, then suddenly another bird landed in a tree close by, it was a Partridge and the tree was a Pear tree.
So the Phoenix in the Oak tree had the company in an adjacent tree of a Partridge in a Pear tree

Replied: 23rd Nov 2014 at 21:14

Posted by: PeterP (7862)

And yes they will be singing about this in a few weeks time

Replied: 23rd Nov 2014 at 21:50

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

As the Phoenix looked at the Partridge, something passed between them since one was male and the other female...

Come fly with me and we will...

Replied: 23rd Nov 2014 at 23:19

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

And they did

Three weeks to the day later, 6 little Phoeridges pecked there way out of there shells -

Replied: 24th Nov 2014 at 18:58

Posted by: PeterP (7862)

And this all happened around sunny Wigan

Replied: 24th Nov 2014 at 21:54

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

..and in a nearby tree there was another nest, in which hatched 6 little Partrenixes. When the Phoeridges and Partrenixes saw each other they glared at each other across the woods and...

Replied: 25th Nov 2014 at 08:56

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224)

said......if a fellow saw a fellow in a field of fitches

Replied: 26th Nov 2014 at 10:37

Posted by: Anne (3795) 

us being game birds we should gang up and see the shooters off... so when the shooters arrived they got the shock of their lives because....

Replied: 26th Nov 2014 at 12:53

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

...the Phoeridges and Partrenixes attacked them, quite viciously. They flew at their heads and brought blood...the shooters ran for their lives into the cover of the trees, but to no avail, the Phoeridges and Partrenixes found them and bit and slashed at them until the shooters no longer could walk.It was an amazing assault by birds on people and the newspapers the next day were full of the story...

Replied: 3rd Dec 2014 at 17:19

Posted by: PeterP (7862)

The birds stuff the shooters and now there is a change in the pecking order. The birds rule the roost

Replied: 8th Dec 2014 at 18:44

Posted by: lizziedownunder (6894) 

....and seeing I am so distraught at the demise of the beautiful Dragonbird....I am voting that in the middle of Wigan where I used to catch the number 5 bus....they should erect a.....

Replied: 11th Dec 2014 at 03:08

Posted by: PeterP (7862)

A statue of shoppers before we forget what they look like

Replied: 12th Dec 2014 at 22:10

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

So the statue of shoppers was erected and built from marble and placed in the market square for all to see. As is usual with statues, birds tend to land on them and one quiet Sunday morning there was seen to approach the statue from the direction of Haigh Hall a beautiful bird. It landed on the statue and it was indeed a.....

Replied: 13th Dec 2014 at 03:01

Posted by: Anne (3795) 

....beautiful dragonbird, it preened and fluttered its beautiful feathers in the Wigan sunshine to great effect. People were pleased to see one again, however some were not owing to what it did to the glowing marble statue. So it was decided to....

Replied: 13th Dec 2014 at 08:16

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

...cover the statue with a net to prevent the dropping of droppings onto the beautiful statue. BUT everyone loved the Dragonbird and some wanted to adopt this lovely creature for posterity in Wigan, but there was one councillor that....

Replied: 19th Dec 2014 at 18:28

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

Message from me, the Dragonbird...

Here's wishing you all a very Happy Christmas and a Prosperous New Year....

Don't forget to follow my exploits in 2015...

Replied: 21st Dec 2014 at 15:54
Last edited by fred mason: 22nd Dec 2014 at 06:30:13

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224)

still 5 days of 2014 left, or has the bird flown away for winter and said nowt

Replied: 26th Dec 2014 at 19:29

Posted by: scoop (3285) 

and it went as the crow flies.

Replied: 27th Dec 2014 at 12:56

Posted by: PeterP (7862)

To spread its wings and find pastures new to find this place where the moaning councillor lived

Replied: 28th Dec 2014 at 07:59

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

...which turned out to be Orrell. This councillor was very arrogant and cocksure and upset a lot of his fellow members in council. He would raise his voice in objection to many motions that were put to the floor, just to hear his own voice.

Right, exclaimed the Dragonbird...enough is enough. Now, I am going to....

Replied: 3rd Jan 2015 at 18:28

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

deal with this Harry Arbuckle - i've heard so much about him, how he arrives late for meetings and opens his mouth just to let his tongue waver in the breeze.
I've also heard, but this is only a rumour, that his love for a tipple or three of whiskey is equally matched for his love, or should I say lust for the wife of the local preacher.
But I should stress, this is only rumour, but as they say 'where there's smoke, there's fire' !

Replied: 11th Jan 2015 at 22:56

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224)

aaaaahhh said the Dragonbird, I,ll fly overhead and drop them a parcel............

Replied: 12th Jan 2015 at 15:07

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

...which he duly did and dropped a plop right on Harry's head as he was hosting a barbeque in his large garden at his home in Orrell Road.

"What the..??" cried Harry and his wife and friends burst out laughing.

The Dragonbird also chuckled as he flew over Gathurst Valley and underneath the M6 Motorway viaduct and on towards Appley Bridge...

Replied: 14th Jan 2015 at 18:30

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

The next landmark he saw was Ashurst Beacon ....

Replied: 12th Apr 2015 at 06:51

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

with some people climbing up the hill, so he flew over them...

Replied: 12th Apr 2015 at 09:21

Posted by: Anne (3795) 

....noticing two of them seemed to be in control of a silent swooping flying thing (a radio controlled glider) this unnatural large winged being scared him so much he turned and headed back to suburbia. Having been so scared he became disorientated and soon found himself in unfamiliar surroundings which he didn't like the look of....

Replied: 12th Apr 2015 at 09:45

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

..and it transpired to be a place named..Leigh. All the people out shopping looked up and cried...

Replied: 13th Apr 2015 at 09:47

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

'Wot' the bloody hell is it ?

Replied: 14th Apr 2015 at 12:33

Posted by: lizziedownunder (6894) 

....they did not have a clue....they had never seen such a huge purple pink and blue dragon bird before...people ran in all directions...hiding wherever they could...

Replied: 16th Apr 2015 at 21:39

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224)

but the dragonbird, with eyes like a hawk, spotted them and swooped down, and grabbed a fleeing womans......

Replied: 24th Apr 2015 at 14:24

Posted by: Anne (3795) 

mobile phone.....

Replied: 24th Apr 2015 at 21:57

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

...and landed in a tree and began squawking into the phone which was still connected to the woman's son. The son cried, "Mum, what the heck are you saying"?....

Replied: 28th Apr 2015 at 09:30

Posted by: madamehmurray (6153) 

Well son I am tell the alien everything about you still living at home and having to change the sheets everyday because of little accidents. You might be 42 but act 7

Replied: 9th May 2015 at 05:14

Posted by: kathpressey (5162) 

Replied: 12th May 2015 at 08:54

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

... the Dragonbird then flew off and left the son confused.

All the Leythers gasped at the speed and power of the Dragonbird and decided to ...

Replied: 24th May 2015 at 02:33

Posted by: Anne (3795) 

....adopt the dragon bird as mascot for their RL team. Following the persuasion of the bird to agree all seemed to be settled. The Dragonbird having no conception of the rivalries between neighbouring teams little knew of the trouble this could cause....

Replied: 24th May 2015 at 10:14

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

.. because when Wigan Warriors found out about the Leythers new mascot they were most upset and the management got together to see...

Replied: 24th May 2015 at 17:46

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224)

...what the cunning birds plan was, because no way would it tuck a leyther under its wing, and it had that cunning look it its eyes......

Replied: 2nd Jun 2015 at 10:38

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

...as it was born in Scholes and was very streetwise. The Leythers knew this and decided to ...

Replied: 6th Jun 2015 at 19:47

Posted by: lizziedownunder (6894) 

....search high and low for a new mate to....

Replied: 7th Jun 2015 at 12:15

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

...breed this wonderful bird with. The result would be a super bird worthy of...

Replied: 13th Jun 2015 at 20:13

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

eating Wigan Pies...!!!!

Replied: 6th Jul 2015 at 19:15

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

..until a Leyther came across and said...

Replied: 11th Jul 2015 at 20:20

Posted by: scoop (3285) 

It caunt eat pies it has to have lobbies.

Replied: 17th Jul 2015 at 20:51

Posted by: r.fisher (598)

After having the lobbies,it made it walk Lobsided,and it was last seen walking lobsidedly ,down Wigan Lane.

Replied: 22nd Jul 2015 at 18:46

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

...whereupon it arrived at the Market Hall in Wigan Centre.

Where it bought some sweets from Santus's stall and promptly declared that....

Replied: 22nd Jul 2015 at 22:19

Posted by: scoop (3285) 


What a sweet place Wigan is---

Replied: 24th Jul 2015 at 20:38

Posted by: Anne (3795) 

Next it spotted a nice green area with a pond full of ducks. Hmm if it's good enough for ducks it's good enough for a dragon bird....

Replied: 24th Jul 2015 at 20:48

Posted by: scoop (3285) 



and it made the ducks duck

Replied: 24th Jul 2015 at 21:10

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224)

and dunk their doughnuts

Replied: 23rd Aug 2015 at 15:52

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

into the gooey water, full of muck...

Replied: 24th Aug 2015 at 18:16

Posted by: Anne (3795) 

Oohh thought the Dragonbird that looks lovely almost like my usual breakfast. I could really settle here.

Replied: 24th Aug 2015 at 19:45

Posted by: scoop (3285) 

Then with a loud----

Replied: 25th Aug 2015 at 21:46

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

splash, the Dragonbird landed in the water....The fish jumped clear of the surface, the other water birds flew away, squawking, and the park attendant jumped up off the bench where he had been reading the 'Sun' and yelled at the Dragonbird in a very loud voice, "Oi,!! you!!"........

Replied: 26th Aug 2015 at 13:13

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224)

.....you,re nothing like the page 3 bird in this ere paper, can you puff yer chest out a bit?

Replied: 6th Sep 2015 at 12:50

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

...so the Dragonbird puffed out her chest and to his horror the park attending yelled, "I've never seen nowt like that afore" and ran for his life....

Replied: 6th Sep 2015 at 18:26

Posted by: Anne (3795) 

...and no wonder, beneath the dragon birds multicoloured feathers were a multitude of the most realistic tattoos. Snakes, which seemed to be alive, writhing with each movement the Dragonbird made....

(Fred you are going to have this bird very confused. One post it is a HE your last post a SHE)

Replied: 6th Sep 2015 at 19:05

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224)

hehehehe, chuckled the dragonbird, Anne thinks that's a snake down there

Replied: 6th Sep 2015 at 20:54

Posted by: Anne (3795) 

Replied: 6th Sep 2015 at 21:15

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

..so the Dragonbird covered the tattoos with his feathers (Sorry Anne) and flew in the direction of the running man...

Replied: 6th Sep 2015 at 23:11

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224)

squawking...a man......that's more like it

Replied: 12th Sep 2015 at 19:33

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

Dragonbird (using its beak) removed its passport from a previously hidden pocket under its right wing. When the passport was opened, it was there for all the world to see, next to the part which states 'Sex' was the the word 'Fe/Male' so the question remains 'is Dragon bird a Female or a Male' ?????

Replied: 13th Sep 2015 at 10:31

Posted by: Anne (3795) 

Heeheehee gasped the Dragonbird as it chased the unfortunate parkie. "I can be what I want to be when I want to be. I am one of those species able to breed without help from others of my ilk". What will happen when Dragonbird catches up with the parkie?.....


(Time it had a suitable name.)

Replied: 13th Sep 2015 at 10:45

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

McGarry, the actual name of the Dragonbird flew after the parkie with a vengeance.He didn't want to hurt the poor fellow but just scare the wits out of him.

The parkie looked back and saw this vicious looking McGarry coming right at him and he.....

(As a butchers lad in the old Wigan market hall in the early sixties, I learned that a beast who didn't know which sex he was, was called a McGarry, possibly a hermaphrodite)

Replied: 13th Sep 2015 at 17:43
Last edited by fred mason: 14th Sep 2015 at 08:08:33

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224)

.....The parkie looked back and saw this vicious looking McGarry coming right at him and he.....

heard the Dragonbird squawk......I,m pure wiggin me,
you,ll pay for that....and started to sharpen ITS beak on the kerb

Replied: 20th Sep 2015 at 16:07
Last edited by staffbullterrier: 20th Sep 2015 at 16:07:38

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

...with it's beak now razor sharp, McGarry attacked the keeper and clean cut through his braces, causing his trousers to fall down around his ankles...

Replied: 23rd Sep 2015 at 15:10

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224)

revealing frilly pink knickers, along with nora batty type stockings

Replied: 30th Sep 2015 at 13:08

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

Oh my, cried McGarry...what have we here???...

Replied: 3rd Oct 2015 at 22:58

Posted by: graneyjoseph (4618) 

nora batties knickers what a picture,lizzie good to see you back on WW.

Replied: 17th Oct 2015 at 15:27

Posted by: Anne (3795) 

Nora Batty stockings were extra winter warmers, the frilly pink knickers...err uhmm??

Replied: 17th Oct 2015 at 15:44

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

..and since the McGarry, Dragonbird was actually part Phoenix, he...

Replied: 21st Oct 2015 at 18:52

Posted by: scoop (3285) 

took one look and his eyes watered....

Replied: 22nd Oct 2015 at 20:50

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

as he thought of Wigan and...

Replied: 2nd Feb 2016 at 19:09

Posted by: bentlegs (4552)

Thems theer Wigin pashion killers ees werin, ger im sumut gradley fot

Replied: 6th Mar 2016 at 16:02

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

go t't dance at the ABC and mebee meet someone gradely and...

Replied: 9th Mar 2016 at 18:05

Posted by: Anne (3795) 

So the hunt was on. A visit to Primark, Matalan and several local supermarkets but no avail. Even M&S could not produce suitable attire, maybe something more upmarket was required.....

Replied: 9th Mar 2016 at 18:15

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

So, the house of Fraser was visited along with the Scottish Woollen shop.After decking out in the finest clothes available the McGarry bird thought, Hmmmm...All dressed up and where do I go???

Replied: 22nd Mar 2016 at 17:47

Posted by: Anne (3795) 

King street, Wigan.

Replied: 22nd Mar 2016 at 18:00

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

Where else????

But then the McGarry bird got the urge to.....

Replied: 22nd Mar 2016 at 19:35

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

So sorry, Lizzie..it appears that there is only Anne and I who are up for a giggle....

Ne'er mind...good try, lass....

Replied: 17th Apr 2016 at 19:18

Posted by: lizziedownunder (6894) 

.....have a bit of an overseas trip....but where to go...there is such a big wide world out there....thinking....thinking...I know...how about a flight to.....

Replied: 26th Apr 2016 at 23:28

Posted by: momac (10918) 

Amarillo.

Replied: 28th Apr 2016 at 13:18

Posted by: lizziedownunder (6894) 

.....the USA ....well...what shall I do in Amarillo.....I guess the best place to perch would be on the trees down by the.....

Replied: 2nd May 2016 at 10:55

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

...Palo Duro Canyon and watch the Comanche Indians travelling by. When they have passed by, I will...

Replied: 2nd May 2016 at 16:40

Posted by: lizziedownunder (6894) 

.....shriek so loud ...it will make the chief jump out of his skin...they thought they could sneak by and not attract my attention....well ...they did...and it will cost them dearly......

Replied: 3rd May 2016 at 05:48

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

...as the Dragonbird flew at the Comanches, he screeched and yelled like a banshee in heat. The Indians had never seen a British Dragonbird before and the men ran for their very lives, the women screamed in fear and the horses bolted. The children burst into tears and then an old Comanche chief jumped UP and said, "ENOUGH!!!"...

He then commenced to...

Replied: 4th May 2016 at 18:23

Posted by: lizziedownunder (6894) 

....sing the most wonderful song of the ages....his voice was so melodic....everyone immediately stopped and listened....the dragon bird could not believe what he was hearing....he started to fly around to the melody...his feathers changed colour in the afternoon sun.......

Replied: 8th May 2016 at 23:10

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

You see, he was a chameleon Dragonbird, one of the rarest Dragonbirds in the world.

The Dragonbird calmed down and landed on the ground. All the people around came across to get a better look at this strange creature when suddenly...

Replied: 19th May 2016 at 14:20

Posted by: lizziedownunder (6894) 

....a little boy stepped forward from the crowd....in his hand was a beautiful carving of a creature that looked just like the Dragonbird ...painted with beautiful colours ...the little boy held it up to the Chief and smiled...the Chief smiled back....it seems that Dragonbirds have been part of the history of the tribe for ever .......but the question stil remained.......

Replied: 24th May 2016 at 23:00

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

... did the Dragonbird secretly know this fact or was it sent there by some subconscious feeling. It sat there and wondered quietly to itself. Then it realised that the tribe adored it and worshipped it. Food and drink was brought from a nearby teepee and placed in front of it and all the people in the tribe backed away in reverence.' I must be a God' thought the Dragonbird. 'Wow', it thought, but...

Replied: 26th May 2016 at 15:56

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224)

i need to get back to the canal bank at redrock...

Replied: 13th Jun 2016 at 14:31

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

...and so it came to pass, verily, that the Dragonbird ate a final, large meal of bacon and eggs, waved a final goodbye to the Commanches, checked the compass was working alright and set a course for Red Rock...

Replied: 14th Jun 2016 at 22:10

Posted by: bentlegs (4552)

But when he got back to RED ROCK HE FOUND THE bloody lot of rocks had changed to GREEN, now it is called GREEN rock


Replied: 12th Aug 2016 at 19:44

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224)

i know how to make it white rock he chirped

Replied: 12th Aug 2016 at 20:02

Posted by: Anne (3795) 

On second thoughts he decided I want it to be RED, so off he went and ate as many wild blackberrys as he could find. That should do the trick he thought and by golly it certainly did.

Replied: 12th Aug 2016 at 20:12

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

...and, SO, after eating all the blackberries in the Haigh area, he flew over all the green and white rocks at the top of the hill and pooped until his little botty was red...and so were the rocks. It was Red Rock once again....

However....

Replied: 14th Aug 2016 at 21:00

Posted by: r.fisher (598)

The Red part means a russian spy,from Wigan,whose infiltrated the confines of councillors of Wigan,and is waiting to disclose the meanings of their outbursts.

Roy.

Because?

Replied: 21st Aug 2016 at 17:42
Last edited by r.fisher: 21st Aug 2016 at 17:44:46

Posted by: fingers (inactive)

Think you have it tough? Try to buy a Wii in France!

Replied: 26th Aug 2016 at 18:43

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

and the Dragon Bird, having heard all about the results of the Wigan Councillors actions decide to pay them a visit....

Replied: 27th Sep 2016 at 20:44

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224)

so....."armed", with red, green and white ammo, and with quite an effort, the dragonbird was once again airborne

Replied: 3rd Oct 2016 at 17:26

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

and fully loaded he flew over the plantations on his way to the council offices, and looking down through the trees, he saw.....

Replied: 4th Oct 2016 at 18:18

Posted by: Anne (3795) 

A weird looking object quite close to the council offices. Hmm he thought I could really do something to improve that. So taking very careful aim he plastered the top with white gave it nice red rosy cheeks and a bright green scarf round its neck. Turning round as he flew off he was well satisfied that he had given the 'face' some character.

Replied: 4th Oct 2016 at 18:58

Posted by: lizziedownunder (6894) 

...the dragonbird was just out of sight when an elderly lady came shuffling past the now gaudy looking object...by the crin she said...what happened here...she looked around for the culprit but there was no one in sight...when suddenly round the corner came.....

Replied: 6th Oct 2016 at 20:27

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

A Wigan Councillor.

"What the 'eck is gooin on 'ere"? Cried the Councillor, when a Wigan citizen stood up and said....

Replied: 7th Oct 2016 at 20:39

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224)

wots rung with it mon... its breyter thant sunshine that

Replied: 10th Oct 2016 at 08:49

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

...but the face, looking glum as always.....winked..!!

Replied: 13th Oct 2016 at 17:49

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

Around the corner came an old Morris 1000, all the windows were wound down, an elderly lady was driving, a corgi dog occupied the front passenger seat, lots of cardboard boxes occupied the back seats and the sound of Frankie Vaughan singing about a green door came blaring out of the radio ...

Replied: 21st Oct 2016 at 01:30

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224)

horlicks to this said the dragonbird....she,s having it

Replied: 21st Oct 2016 at 10:28

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

(referring to the car) checked for drugs, Surely it's not normal for an old lady to be driving around with the radio blaring. Unless she is totally deaf.

Replied: 22nd Oct 2016 at 01:01

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

Flying low over the car, the Dragonbird said...'Sample this lot, as the load of &^%$£$$ dropped onto the car'...

Replied: 23rd Oct 2016 at 19:22

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

The old lady in the Morris 1000 was initially shocked when the load of Lotto tickets and Blackpool rock was dumped on her car, but then she realised that the tickets were for the draw to be made in 2 days time ...

Replied: 25th Oct 2016 at 19:42

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

...and in two days time, unfortunately she did not win the top prize, however she did win a ....

Replied: 31st Oct 2016 at 19:11

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224)

cheque book and pen

Replied: 2nd Nov 2016 at 18:03

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

The cheque book was issued by Barclay's Bank, I wonder how much money is available to me the lady wondered. To find the answer the lady went to the local branch of Barclay's and asked ....

Replied: 2nd Nov 2016 at 19:21

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

..if she could open a joint account with the Dragonbird, in order to....

Replied: 4th Nov 2016 at 19:20

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224)

keep dragonbird supplied with babbys yed, chips peys an gravy, and plenty bread for ammo

Replied: 8th Nov 2016 at 16:29

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

Sex is hereditary - chances are that if your parents never had Sex, you won't !

Replied: 22nd Nov 2016 at 18:40

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

So, the dragonbird had lots of grub from't chippy but didn't have a sexual partner, and what the Dragonbird really wanted was...

Replied: 24th Nov 2016 at 22:08

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224)

some alka seltzer to settle the grumbling in its tum

have we established if dragonbird is male or female?

Replied: 25th Nov 2016 at 10:31

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

I do believe that the Dragonbird is a HE although it used to be a she, so I believe....

So, after the Alka Seltzer wore off he was ready for organising his Christmas dinner, early, and included in the planned meal was...

Replied: 25th Nov 2016 at 20:06

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224)

a toast to terry the turkey, the dragonbirds uncle, he is the christmas dinner

Replied: 30th Nov 2016 at 16:36

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

...so being a cannibal, the Dragon Bird went shopping for some brussel's sprouts and stuffing. When he returned he realised...

Replied: 4th Dec 2016 at 15:53

Posted by: Anne (3795) 

...he didn't have a clue how to cook his uncle, never having done it before.

Replied: 4th Dec 2016 at 16:51

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

The Dragon Bird got out a large iron pot, filled it with water, and placed a fire underneath it, and went around to his uncle...

Replied: 5th Dec 2016 at 19:01

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224)

who said....hello dragonbird....do you fancy coming round at xmas for lunch

Replied: 7th Dec 2016 at 10:39

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

Well, the Dragon Bird began to feel guilty, but what did his uncle mean by coming round for lunch. Did his Uncle have some plans for lunch that the Dragon Bird wasn't aware of???

Replied: 9th Dec 2016 at 03:17
Last edited by fred mason: 18th Dec 2016 at 18:55:03

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

In the meantime, I would like to wish everyone who has commented on this post, and also to everyone at Wigan World, a very merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Replied: 18th Dec 2016 at 20:52

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224)

said dragonbird, as he sharpened his knife while eyeing up terry the turkey

Replied: 20th Dec 2016 at 09:59

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

Christmas Day is only two day's away, he thought, as he raised the knife above his head....

Replied: 23rd Dec 2016 at 18:17

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

Christmas came and went, just like it does every year 😀 - and New Years Eve and day also did the same 😈 - as February was coming to an end and the cold weather combined with gale force winds was starting to get dragon bird depressed, suddenly dragonbird got a bright idea !

I need a holiday on the continent, the brochures showing holidaymakers enjoying sunny beaches appealed, yes I think I will go for a fortnight on the continent, but where exactly should I go to ???

Replied: 25th Feb 2017 at 19:16

Posted by: Anne (3795) 

Dragon bird finally chose a resort on the island of Mallorca but how to get there he mused. Should he fly all the way stopping at places when he was feeling tired or hitchhike. It would take some organising whichever way.

Replied: 25th Feb 2017 at 20:53

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

As he flew across France he landed close to Barcelona and there in the distance was Mallorca. He was exhausted by this time so hitched a ride on a departing ship. Approaching the island, he realised that....

Replied: 26th Feb 2017 at 17:35

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

As a youngster many many, moons ago he had been deported from Mallorca because of some misdemeanor he had committed. He just hoped that the local police and immigration officials didn't recognize him. He wondered what he could do to disguise himself.

Replied: 28th Feb 2017 at 21:55

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

...so, he disguised himself as a tourist from Wigan.

As he strutted along the beach, a real Wiganer shouted out...

"Eyup, I'nt that the Dragonbird from Scholes?"

Startled, he turned and ran......

Replied: 20th Mar 2017 at 17:18

Posted by: Anne (3795) 

..... unfortunately he ran straight into the sea. Now then dragon bird feathers weren't made like ducks feathers and would take weeks to dry out, there was only one thing to do.....

Replied: 20th Mar 2017 at 18:50

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

and so he decided to do it .....

Replied: 24th Mar 2017 at 18:57

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

...he lay on the beach in the sunshine until his feathers dried out. This took a few days and luckily no one recognised him, this time, so feeling lucky, after his feathers were completely dry, he flew off and .....

Replied: 24th Mar 2017 at 19:00

Posted by: Anne (3795) 

..... did a quick tour of the island. A sign pointing to Cuevas del Drach caught his eye. I wonder, I wonder he thought, could that be where some of my distant relatives live.....

Replied: 24th Mar 2017 at 21:43

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

As Dragonbird made some low level swoops over Cuevas del Drach he thought to himself 'my goodness I am not sure if I have distant relatives here or not, but I wouldn't mind staying here for a few weeks' then Dragonbird spotted the entrance to one of the famous caves - I must take a look inside ......

Replied: 25th Mar 2017 at 20:02

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

Dark and cool, these 4 large limestone caves on the edge of Porto Cristo have become one of Mallorca's top tourist sights, and Dragonbird was walking through the caves when he suddenly spotted his cousin, from Leigh.

Larry from Leigh? Is that you?, cried the Dragonbird.

"Yes, it is me," replied Larry...but beware, THEY are out to get you....

Replied: 26th Mar 2017 at 20:16

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

"THEY who are They" asked Dragonbird. "They are the police and immigration department" replied Larry.

Surely they would have forgotten all about the minor offences I committed many moons ago thought Dragonbird.

Buy Larry assured him that he was a legend in the area. Ballads had been written and sung in the night clubs.

But Dragonbird couldn't undestand why - after all he had only performed some what he considered to be minor acts of vandalism.

Like emptying four large packets of Persil into the town fountain. Jacking the police cars up and removing the rear wheels, which he then dumped in the caves.

Surely the police and immigration must have forgotten by now ?

But had they ?????

Replied: 28th Mar 2017 at 04:15

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

The police admitted that they had great admiration for the Dragonbird, however the law, was the law and had to be upheld.

The Dragonbird shouted,"RUBBISH"...

I am the great Dragonbird, full of fight and intelligence and honour...with that he proceeded to...

Replied: 1st Apr 2017 at 17:37

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

Continually fly high in the sky then 'dive bombing' the police station chanting (in a very loud voice) "2 4 6 8 10 who do we appreciate WIGAN"
To say the police were not impressed was an understatement - in fact they considered using a shotgun to stop Dragonbirds antics .......

Replied: 8th Apr 2017 at 05:02

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

..but decided against this tactic until Dragonbird began dropping loads of pooh as he 'dive bombed' the police station.When the Superintendent got hit on the head with a load, he cried out....

Replied: 21st Apr 2017 at 16:35

Posted by: lizziedownunder (6894) 

...will somebody please ring the dragonbird catcher...he has a special flying contraption that may just bring this bugger down....I have had enough of this bird's antics...it is about time it was put in the Naughty Cage...pooing whilst flying is not allowed....so the constable phoned the dragonbird catcher ...he got through ..but was first told to do one thing before the catcher got there ...he had too....

Replied: 18th May 2017 at 11:17

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

grab a very large net with a long handle.

Well, the Dragonbird was not stupid. He saw the constable with the large net and flew over him and dropped a .....

Replied: 26th May 2017 at 14:29

Posted by: i-spy (14716) 

..a note addressed to Lizzie down under posing a very interesting question...

Replied: 26th May 2017 at 17:07

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

...when Lizzie received the note, she gasped when she read the question.

It said, "Have you....?

Replied: 26th May 2017 at 17:23

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

Ever thought about sponsoring me so I can come and live in Australia ? - I promise to behave myself, so please will you sponsor me ? PLEASE ...

Replied: 27th May 2017 at 10:40

Posted by: lizziedownunder (6894) 

...Lizzie was shocked at the note ...all she could see was the dragonbird worrying all the native birds ...out screeching the Cockatoos and out howling the dingos ....nope no way would she sponser this reached creature...it would have to stay put...no amount of pleading by nice Wigan menfolk that had emigrated to New Zealand would shift her decision ...so think again ...maybe take a different view of the whole situation....meanwhile the dragonbird was nifftily caught and put in the naughty cage ....while a large gathering of Wigan dignitaries put their heads together to find a way of dealing with this situation....The a mobile rang.....

Replied: 29th May 2017 at 00:05

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

"Hello? This is the Dragonbirds cousin in Wigan. I heard that my cousin is in a naughty cage down under.

Did you realise that the Dragonbird is actually Royalty and must be released immediately."?

Replied: 29th May 2017 at 12:49

Posted by: lizziedownunder (6894) 

...sorry you have been misinformed ...your cousin is in the naughty cage but has been rejected for immigration to down under ...er...Australia....the reason being the obvious.....we are thinking of actually moving the naughty creature up to the Isle of Skye ...we would like to have some family member to be a companion in the move...what do you think of the idea....

Replied: 30th May 2017 at 00:11

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

"The Isle of Skye,...What???...The Isle of Skye?"

Cried the Dragonbird.....

"It is a most beautiful place to live...BUT, so remote. No way will I go to live there"

"I want to live near people, good people, like Wiganers"

So the Dragonbird....

Replied: 1st Jun 2017 at 19:25
Last edited by fred mason: 1st Jun 2017 at 19:53:03

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

Flew back to Norley Hall where he...

Replied: 20th Jul 2017 at 22:02

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

...found that it had changed enormously over the years, since the 1950's where he grew up, as a chick....

Replied: 2nd Sep 2017 at 19:24

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

SOME VERY SAD NEWS, JUST IN...

The Dragonbird got hit by a bus on Wigan Lane this morning and squashed flat as a pancake.

GOODBYE DRAGONBIRD....

Replied: 15th Sep 2017 at 18:11
Last edited by fred mason: 16th Sep 2017 at 17:35:50

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

However, the Phoenix says....

Replied: 23rd Oct 2017 at 19:57

Posted by: lizziedownunder (6894) 

.....what does the Phoenix say Fred? ....

Replied: 15th Nov 2017 at 20:42

Posted by: Anne (3795) 

The Phoenix says if Doctor Who can do it,I can do it better and what's more if he is going to return as a she so can I. So.....

Replied: 15th Nov 2017 at 21:26

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

....she rose from the ashes to become a.....

Replied: 17th Nov 2017 at 14:22

Posted by: r.fisher (598)

An astronaut,soaring thru the stratosphere to where no Wiganers had ever been,like Benidorm.

Roy

Replied: 7th Dec 2017 at 18:13
Last edited by r.fisher: 12th Dec 2017 at 17:46:21

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

and on his return, flying low over Wigan, he called, "Merry Christmas to all Wiganers, everywhere.."

Replied: 24th Dec 2017 at 17:22

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

However, Valentines Day was approaching, love, red roses, valentine cards, champagne, romance etc was in the air.
What exciting happenings would occur next ????

Replied: 5th Feb 2018 at 19:52

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

The Dragonbird, now, reincarnated from the Phoenix ashes, after drinking champagne and placing a red rose between her teeth...flew low over the plantations and saw, below, a beautiful.....

Replied: 5th Feb 2018 at 20:43

Posted by: Anne (3795) 

.....white swan gliding along on the canal. Is that swimming she thought I wonder if that handsome chap would give me lessons?

Replied: 5th Feb 2018 at 21:53

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

Lessons ?? What kind of lessons do you want ??

Replied: 11th Feb 2018 at 06:20

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

By this time the swan had reached Red Rock and was swimming nicely along when the newly arisen Dragonbird landed on the towpath."You are a good looking bird" cried the Dragonbird."Can you teach me how to swim like that?"

The beautiful swan replied...............

Replied: 14th Feb 2018 at 17:48

Posted by: Anne (3795) 

..."First of all I must know your name. Only then will I decide whether to give you lessons"

Replied: 14th Feb 2018 at 19:38

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131)

My titled name is Lord Montague the second of Beaulieu but I would prefer if you would address me as Monty.

Replied: 21st Feb 2018 at 18:52

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

Very well, your Lordship..or Monty...I will be happy to give you lessons. Do you have webbed feet though?

Replied: 22nd Feb 2018 at 17:20

Posted by: fred mason (2829) 

The Dragonbird was confused. What are webbed feet he cried...

Replied: 21st Apr 2018 at 18:15

 

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