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Mr Corbyn and his Cheque

Started by: cordyline (5350) 

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Jeremy Corbyn walks into a Bank to cash a cheque. "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?"

Cashier:"It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?"

Corbyn :"Actually, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Jeremy Corbyn, leader of the Labour Party.

Cashier:"Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation etc., I must insist on seeing ID"

Corbyn: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am"

Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr Corbyn, but these are the bank rules under the legislation, and I must follow them"

Corbyn"Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque"

Cashier: "Look sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID.
To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque."

"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"

Corbyn stands there thinking and thinking and finally says

"Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue"

Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes Mr Corbyn. ?....

Started: 13th Sep 2019 at 09:27
Last edited by cordyline: 13th Sep 2019 at 09:28:27

Posted by: TerryW (4778)

I asked for a wake up call at a hotel and they said, You're a alcoholic and you're killing yourself.

Replied: 13th Sep 2019 at 11:00

Posted by: TerryW (4778)

Was called going to Norway for a Christmas break, but can't af-fjord it.

Replied: 13th Sep 2019 at 11:06

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

My neighbour has been showing off his new hearing aid.

"State of the art, cost me a fortune" he said


So I asked him, "What type is it?"


"Half two" he repied

Replied: 13th Sep 2019 at 11:07

Posted by: TerryW (4778)

Replied: 13th Sep 2019 at 11:10

Posted by: TerryW (4778)

People who say 'Everything happens for a reason' have never sh1t themselves on public transport.

Replied: 13th Sep 2019 at 11:14

Posted by: TerryW (4778)

I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes, but that’s Heinz sight.

Replied: 13th Sep 2019 at 11:34

Posted by: TerryW (4778)

I got a package in the post last week, and on it it said, 'Please don’t bend.' So how was I supposed to pick it up?

Replied: 13th Sep 2019 at 11:41

Posted by: TerryW (4778)

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

Replied: 13th Sep 2019 at 11:46

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

Replied: 13th Sep 2019 at 11:49

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

At any given time, my urge to sing

'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' is just a whim away.

A whim away, a whim away.

Replied: 13th Sep 2019 at 22:37

Posted by: baker boy (15456)

nothing like a good joke to make you happy,maybe one will come along in a bit.

Replied: 14th Sep 2019 at 11:44

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

Someone called me condescending today.

(That means talking down to people)

Replied: 14th Sep 2019 at 11:58

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

"Well Dave, thanks for bringing your plate to the Antiques Roadshow...

Unfortunately it's not Ming Dynasty as you'd hoped but....

the good news is;

the Chinese marks indicate that it's Microwave and Dishwasher Safe"

Replied: 17th Sep 2019 at 12:21

Posted by: whups (4811) 

at least he,s paying tax unlike the rich & big business who pay nowt .

Replied: 17th Sep 2019 at 12:27

Posted by: TerryW (4778)

I see this thread went over your head, Whups.

Replied: 17th Sep 2019 at 15:05

Posted by: whups (4811) 

no way terryw . so tell me i,m wrong .

Replied: 17th Sep 2019 at 17:13

Posted by: lectriclegs (3900)

Replied: 17th Sep 2019 at 18:33

Posted by: TerryW (4778)

Really, you need telling?

Replied: 17th Sep 2019 at 18:55

Posted by: lectriclegs (3900)

Replied: 17th Sep 2019 at 18:59

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

If you give a man a Rod and Net he will fish and feed himself and his family.

If you give a man a fish.

He will vote Labour

Replied: 17th Sep 2019 at 20:43

Posted by: baker boy (15456)

IF YOU PUT HIM ON BENEFITS FOR LIFE HE WILL BECOME A LIFELONG LABOUR VOTER.

Replied: 17th Sep 2019 at 21:06

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

A little known fact,

Elvis served in the bomb disposal unit during his military service;

due to his experience with suspicious mines.

Replied: 18th Sep 2019 at 21:04

Posted by: aussie94 (2346)

Great joke about Corbyn , loved it

Replied: 19th Sep 2019 at 09:35

Posted by: whups (4811) 

yes i do .

Replied: 19th Sep 2019 at 14:34

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

A cowboy emigrated to Wales

He opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch

Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.

Replied: 19th Sep 2019 at 19:04

Posted by: TerryW (4778)

Apparently, people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones...

But people in Abu Dhabi DOOOOOOO!

Replied: 19th Sep 2019 at 19:16

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

I saw a bloke with one arm and one leg; he was about to be hanged.

I started shouting out letters.

Replied: 20th Sep 2019 at 22:30

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

With my first date in a French Restaurant, I decided I would try to impress her with the French I learned at school.

After a perfectly pronounced delivery, the waiter set off for the kitchen.

After a few minutes, he returned and said...

"would Sir like to order now I have shut the door and opened the window?"

Replied: 22nd Sep 2019 at 09:40

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

I have been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.


I've contracted something called feefiphobia.

Replied: 25th Sep 2019 at 22:48

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

Looks like Thomas Cook will join

Woolworths
JJB Sports
Toys R Us
Blockbuster

On my CV; as companies I've been manager of

Replied: 26th Sep 2019 at 23:27

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

I didn't think wearing orthopaedic shoes would work,

…..but I stand corrected.

Replied: 27th Sep 2019 at 23:54

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

Of all the inventions of the last 100 years,

......….the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.

Replied: 27th Sep 2019 at 23:55

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

Does anyone know how to cancel an Ebay bid?...

I offered 3 quid on a cowboy outfit....

and now I'm six minutes away from owning the Labour party.

Replied: 1st Oct 2019 at 10:52

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

I hate playing Monopoly with Remainers.

They keep wanting to carry on throwing the dice until they get the outcome they want.

Replied: 17th Oct 2019 at 10:01

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

I've just bumped into my little mate Peter in town

He was telling me all these funny stories about the flatbread factory where he works.

I love to hear the pitta patter of tiny Pete.

Replied: 17th Oct 2019 at 10:03

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

…...stealing clothes from washing lines.

Been there, done that---- got the tee-shirt.

Replied: 18th Oct 2019 at 11:35

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

What does DNA stand for...

National Dyslexic Club

Replied: 18th Oct 2019 at 11:37

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

Got home to this message

Hey Cordy
I'm at work
Dinner is on the stove
The gas is already turned on
You only have to light it
Love you
Kim
xxx

Replied: 25th Jan 2020 at 13:21

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

Started a new job at the Samaritans last week.

Tried to ring in sick this morning & they talked me out of it!

Replied: 3rd Feb 2020 at 23:38

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

Ireland Declared War on France

Long ago, Jacques Chirac The French President, was sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy" Chirac replied "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command"
"Begorrah!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor"
Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke" "Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you"

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back"

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war"
"Really? I am sorry to hear that" says Chirac "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 prisoners"

Replied: 5th Apr 2020 at 11:01

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.

As they walk, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world"

"I am entering," said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how did you do?"

"First Place" said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world"

"I'm entering," says Superman.

After half an hour he returns and they ask him "How did you make out?"

"First Place" answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"

Pinocchio says, "this is mine"

Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" the other two ask.

"Who the hell is Tony Blair?" asked Pinocchio.

Replied: 1st May 2020 at 10:22

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

Jeremy; 'Can you spell Orange ?'

Dianne; 'The fruit or the colour ?'

Replied: 1st May 2020 at 14:04

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

Life is all about perspective.

The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle for the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

Replied: 3rd May 2020 at 11:09

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

I once got arrested while watching Countdown.

That's eight letters that is....

Replied: 4th May 2020 at 10:45

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

I stopped a bloke in the street and said
"Can you help me? I'm looking for a rubbish tip"


He replied
"Scotland to win the World Cup"

Replied: 6th May 2020 at 10:04

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

I secretly swapped over all the chocolate bars and wrappers in our fridge the other day.

Mrs Cordy didn't find it at all funny though,

she got her Snickers in a Twix

Replied: 8th May 2020 at 11:24

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

A dying husband in a hospital bed asks his wife
"Our seventh child always looked different from the other six. Did he have a different father?"

His wife, crying uncontrollably answers "Yes"

He asks "Who's is it?"

His wife replies "Yours!"

Replied: 10th May 2020 at 15:02

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

Press conference 1940.

C4 News: - "Mr Churchill, why won't you surrender to Hitler? lives could be saved"

Daily Mirror:- "Why are you so anti Nazis Prime Minister? Is your party Naziphobic Prime Minister"?

Laura Kuensberg:- Why didn't you stockpile one million tanks Prime Minister"?

Guardian:- "Do you now accept if you'd built an extra two million spitfires the war would be easier to win Prime Minister"?

BBC News:- "The planes flying at night are impacting on peoples ability to sleep. Will you apologise to those affected Prime Minister"?

Replied: 20th May 2020 at 20:57
Last edited by cordyline: 20th May 2020 at 20:58:31

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

My mate told me he's carrying on with twins without either of them knowing what is going on!!

I asked 'How on earth do you tell them apart!?'

'Well' he said....'Rachael has long blonde hair.........and Dave’s got a moustache!!!'

Replied: 22nd May 2020 at 16:21

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

A shop assistant fiercely fought off an armed robber with his labelling gun, yesterday.

Police are now looking for a man and say there's a price on his head.

Replied: 22nd May 2020 at 22:06

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

What has Boris Johnson and Tammy Wynette both in common ??


They both stand by their man

Replied: 25th May 2020 at 10:15

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

When I was in school I got asked,
"What is 3000 converted into Roman Numerals ?"

I replied "Mmm..."

Replied: 25th May 2020 at 14:59

 

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