Birth Announcement

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Shania Twain has announced the birth of her son this morning.

'Choo Choo' was born at 7am weighing 5lb 6oz.

"That don't impress me much".

Could have been named diesel

An old man turned up at the offices of a large company one afternoon.

"Hello I'm Brian Turner's uncle;

I've come to ask if he can have the rest of the afternoon off so I can take him to the big match."

"I'm afraid he's not here" came the reply

"we already gave him the afternoon off to attend your funeral"

congrats to Shania.

Who is Shania

Choo Choos mum.

Shania

good one chatty

Nice one chatty..

Shania's issued a statement in response to this WW announcement:

"I have not had a baby named Choo Choo Twain, and, what's more, never the Twain shall meet!"

Anyway, I'd best me making tracks. I'll get my coach.

I bet that other Twain wasn't so chuffed when an announcement was made about him either:

"The report of my death was an exaggeration." (Mark Twain, 1897)

2020 Olympic high jump results:

Gold - Mexico

Silver - Mexico

Bronze - Mexico

Cordy

Pole Vault too. :D

Joe maybe we should come out of retirement and start a Mexican tunnelling company

Who gives a funkeys muck.....

You are kidding? they have named him Choo Choo ?

An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'how do you stay in such great physical condition?'

I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' he says, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'

"'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. "How old was your Father when he died?"

"Who said he was dead?"

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive.
"How old is he?"

'He's 100 years old, in fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Nonno's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's
still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?

Before i got married I would just drive aimlessly around car parks....


because I had nobody to point out the empty spaces.

Man walks into a pub. The pub's dead. Not a soul in there. He orders a pint and the Landlord sighs, gets up, pours him a beer then sits down and puts his head back in his hands.
'Hard times?' says the fella.
'God yeh' says the landlord. Bought the pub a few weeks back and I'm nearly bankrupt already. Tried it all. Quiz nights, bands, buy one get one free. The lot. No matter what I try I cant get a customer. I'm at my wits end. If it carries on like this I'm finished.'

Your man has a think and says, 'Calm down I'll be back in an hour.'

Sure enough an hour later your man walks back in and he has a tin under one arm and a duck under the other.
The Landlord looks bewildered.
'Watch' say the fella.

He puts the tin on the bar and then put the duck on the tin. Lo and behold the duck starts tap dancing like a good un. Little flappy feet going like the clappers.

'Gosh, thats amazing!' says the Landlord.

'Just put him in the window and I'll be back in a week' says your man

Sure enough. a week later the fella walks by the pub but now its a different place. It's packed to the rafters, theres 100s in there. Beer flying around and all come to see the amazing tap dancing duck. Pushing his way through the crowds the fella finally gets to the bar.

He get's the attention of the landlord. 'How's it going?' he says. 'Better?'

The landlord is white as a sheet, there's bags under his eyes and he looks like a dead man walking.
'Well' he says. First I have to thank you. You've saved my business.I owe you everything.'

'Well, what's the problem?'

'I haven't slept for a week! The beer is selling, business is good but I'm at my wits end
The Mrs has left me, I haven't slept for 6 nights now. I can't stop the bloody duck tap dancing. All day. All Night. Every Night. Tap tap tap tap bloody tap. It's killing me. It's torture.'

'Oh my goodness' says the fella. 'I forgot to tell you how to make him stop'

He picks the duck up, puts it under one arm, picks the tin up, takes the lid off the tin and


blows out the candle.

A cab driver reaches the pearly gates. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven.

Next in line is a preacher. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow and says

"OK, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff"

The preacher is shocked and replies "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!"

St. Peter responds matter-of-factly

"This is Heaven and up here, we are interested in results

When you preached, people slept --

When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed"

My mate Tommy went on a date with a blonde woman last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked

"Yes" Tom replied "I have one child that's just under two"


She said "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is"

Sum Guduns there cordy

Cheers Cindy

I entered what I ate over the past few day into my new fitness app;

.....it just sent an ambulance to my house.

I'm taking up scuba diving on the cheap.

Instead of using a cylinder I'll be using a bag of Walker's crisps -

there's enough air in it to stay submerged for 2 hours...

I nearly got knocked off my bike by a council salt wagon last night.

"You dozy bleedin' twit" I shouted, through gritted teeth.

I dropped a tenner yesterday and chased it for miles.

I never caught it but at least it gave me a good run for my money.

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognized none of those."

"I'm sorry Sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it," he says, "I am the worlds leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant, "I've just realised I was playing you the bee side!"

Warrington Wolves trophy room has been broken into and all the contents have been stolen.

Police are looking for a man with a green and yellow carpet.

Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?

Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

Sky News: "Britain soon to ban Plastic Straws"

Typical....

Americans are holding onto their AR-15s, while we have to give up our pea-shooters.

I got a new job with the samaritans last week.

Tried to ring in sick this morning but they talked me out of it.

As I pointed the gun in my wife's face I said

"Any last words?"

Three hours later, I shot her.

Does anyone know how long you cook these

"boil in the bag fish" that you win at the fun fair?

Batman and Catwoman were going out on a date and were sitting in the batcave
"Oh Batty," she gushes. "You really are the greatest of all the superheroes"
"Thank you" replies Batman
"No really" she continues "you're brave, strong and true. You're quick-witted and fair. Everyone is scared of you"
"Please..." he replies

"And you're so hunky!" she giggles. "You look so good in your costume and I love your pointy ears. I'm the luckiest cat alive
Now... I'm going to call us a cab and we're going to have a great evening"
She gets her mobile out of her bag, but can't switch it on.
"Oh," she says. "Can you have a look - you're so good with gadgets"

"I'm afraid" he replies "your phone will not work because of your bat flattery"

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grandson who is coming to visit with his wife

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301
There is a big panel at the front door, With your elbow, push button 301.
I will buzz you in.
Come inside, the elevator is on the right.
Get in, and with your elbow, push 3.
When you get out, I'm on the left.. With your elbow, hit my doorbell"

"Grandma, that sounds easy,
but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........

"What . . . .. .. Are you coming empty handed?"

Horse walks into a bar and gets himself a pint.

A donkey is sitting beside him and says "you're a big lad, did you ever win anything?"

The horse turns round and says "yeah, I won the Derby on the flat and the Grand National over the jumps"

The donkey, thinking "Heck, how can I match that, that's impressive" So gets out his mobile phone and finds a picture of a zebra.

He shows it to the horse who responds "What the Hell is that?"

The donkey replies "That's me when I used to play for Juventus"

I read that a third of people could expect to die in their own bed.

Since then I've been sleeping in the spare room.

Camilla decided at the last minute to go with new shoes for the Royal Wedding;

The local blacksmith was said to have been really annoyed at having to work late

A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor

After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. After listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.

Then, the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.

"What the hell's wrong with you?" he demanded.

"This woman is 68 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said. . .

"Does she still have the hiccups?"

SKY SPORTS NEWS....

Liverpool FC are demanding the 1989 title decider V Arsenal at Anfield be replayed....

as Bruce Grobbelaar had a mild chest infection.

A chap goes into a fish and chip shop with a huge Cod under his arm and asks;
"Do you have fish cakes?"

"Yes we do" replied the assistant

Patting the Cod gently on its head the man said

"That's good cos it's his birthday"

Looks like Saudi Arabia will beheading home soon.....

All my German friends have blocked me since Germany’s exit from the World Cup !

My phone is now completely Hans Free

David Beckham gets into a taxi...

"Heathrow Airport please driver" he says.

After few minutes he spots the driver giving him a few looks in the rear view mirror. Driver says "come on mate, give us a clue...

"Beckham replies "Had a great career at Man Utd, Real Madrid, played in Italy and America, and won over 100 caps for England....

"Driver says "No you thick person, what terminal?"

I love some of the jokes on here

I called the bicycle factory and asked to speak to whoever was in charge of wheels.

The lady who answered said he wasn't there

I replied “Okay, who are you?”

She said “His spokes person"

Simon Cowell has fired his personal tailor because he didn't like the fit of his trousers.

He said they were too tight under the arms

Have you heard about the mathematician who is frightened of negative numbers ?

He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery.

The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves.
He says to the Irishman "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me"

The Irishman replied, That's just simple thievery, I'll show how to do it the honest way and get the same results"

The Irishman then proceeded to re- enter the store and call out the owner and says "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick"
The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick

The Irishman asked him for a bun and and proceeded to eat it.
He asked two more times and after eating them the owner angrily asks " Okay, so where's the magic trick?"

The Irishman replied
"Look in this Englishman's pockets"

Bob, I'm sorry and riddled with guilt and have to confess.

I have been helping myself to your wife whe you are not around probably more than you.

I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home.I can't live with the guilt any longer.I hope you accept my sincerest appology. It won't happen again


Feeling outraged and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun'goes into the bedroom and witout a word shoots his wife.

Moments later gets a second text.

'Really should use spell check..... That should read WiFi'

In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird.

Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal

"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a supermarket"

"How long have you felt like this?"

"Ever since I was Lidl"

Absolutely Brilliant

LAUGH OUT LOUD.


Roy

Ian Hislop ont telly, just:

Boris sent two letters to his Misses, one saying he was going to leave, and one saying he was going to remain!

Gunfights in the wild west could have been avoided.....

if they had made the towns big enough for everyone.

My neighbour just shouted at her kids so loud...….

I turned the TV off and sat at my table for dinner.

If a woman ever pulls a knife out on you during an argument, produce some bread, butter and cheese.

Her instincts will kick in and she'll make you a sandwich.

I got cornered by this big bloke with a knife in Lewisham, London

"You don't want to do this to me " I said to him
"I'm not from around here, I'm American "

"So bleedin' what" he replied

"wallet, watch and phone now"

So I shot him.

My neighbour's pet snake got into my freezer last night.

It's dead

I don't know how to tell him, I reckon I'll have to give it to him straight

How to turn your sofa into a sofa-bed

Forget the wifes birthday

Saw a chap riding a horse around Gatwick Airport

Apparently, he is The Drone Ranger

European politicians:

Tsk, Tsk....

I must have been drunk last night, I slept like a log.

Woke up lying in the fireplace.

FACT:

Vincent Price was taller than Katie Price and heavier than Alan Price.

It's brilliant what you can find out on those Price comparison websites....

Me: When I die I'm going to leave everything to you.

Wife: You already do you lazy sod.

Her: You never tell me you love me

Him: I told you once, if anything changes I'll let you know

My aunt died at precisely 10.47am and the old grandfather clock stopped at precisely that same time too. .

It fell on her.

What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'?


One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

My mate Gav died last week after overdosing on heartburn medication.

I just can't believe Gaviscon.

A cowboy rides into town, ties up his horse outside the saloon, walks in and orders a shot of whiskey.

He downs it and walks out.
He notices that his horse has gone so he goes back into the saloon, orders another whiskey and says "If my horse isn't returned by the time I've finished another drink the same thing will happen here as happened in Dodge City.

Now, give me another shot of whiskey." He downs his drink and walks slowly out of the saloon;

his horse is tied up at the rail again.

Just as he is mounting to ride off, the barman come outside and asks "What did happen in Dodge City?"

The cowboy replies "I had to walk home."

The New Politically Correct Royal Navy

The Royal Navy is proud to announce the arrival of its new fleet of Type 45 Destroyers.

Initially the first two ships were named HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless.

But the Navy's Ship Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from the European Union in Brussels (voicing its concern about any member state sounding too aggressive) renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.

The next five ships are to be named: HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.

Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.

The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.

The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access.

Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.

Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full, sympathetic industrial tribunal.

The crew will be made up of men and women on a 50/50 basis.

It will contain the correct, statistically proportionate, balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability.

Sailors will only work a maximum of 37 hours per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime.

All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a crèche and a gay disco.

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.
The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation developed over five hundred years of naval tradition for "Rum, Sodomy and the Lash".

So out has gone the rum ration. It has been replaced by sparkling water. Sodomy remains, but is now extended to include all ratings, male and female, under 18. The lash will still be available on request.

Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hello Sailor".

All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille.

Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches. This applies equally to female crew.

The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities. The Union Jack must never be seen, as it now offends the English, Scots and Welsh.

The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Mohamed Hooq from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull.

She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays the Village People's "In the Navy".

Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England's south coast.

The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels."

Her final words were: "When push comes to shove, Britannia waives the rules.”

Arthur is 85 years old.

He's played golf every day since his retirement 20 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so
bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes.. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don'
you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is ninety two. He can't help."

"He may be ninety two," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball ?"

"Of course I did !", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go ?" asks Arthur.

"Can't remember."

A rabbit goes into a cafe and orders a BLT toasted sandwich, he gobbles it down then asks for a cheese and ham toasted sandwich.
He wolfs it down then asks for an egg toasted sandwich.

The greedy little thing throws it down his throat, pays and leaves.
As the cafe owner closes he sees the rabbit rolling around in agony and spewing his guts up.

The owner asks "What's up with you"?

The rabbit replies "Mixin' my toasties"

Kim Jong-uns doctors are too scared to tell him he is dead...