arfur's corner shop

I've bought a corner shop and selling all sorts of stuff, fork handles , oops and everything essential and none essential, So before you go traipsing up town , pop in , Everything is sold in Old money, no cheques, no cards just pounds shillings and pence,

what can i get you Madam ?

No little bell on the till to let the owner the till was being opened. Also items were sold with the odd old half pence less than the pound so that the till had to be opened to give change so notes could not go missing

The bell mechanism is internal and is damaged , That is why it don't ring, I've a special offer on thia week, out of date 1d Arrows, 3 for 1d ,

little girl just come in wanting beech nut chewys

Do you have spangles?

I need a lucky bag with a good memory in it for 'some person' I know.

Spangles, yes, just found a nest of them in the stock room, slighly out of date but, still good, I'm sucking one now as I speak/type,
Terry , Lucky bags I have a sack full in the middle store but, they do not say what the surprise inside is, As an alternative would you like a 5MB memory card because, if its for one of the 'some people' I thinking its for, that would be a massive improvement to his IQ level,

Is this you, Arfur?

I think it's black sam from newtown. Can I have a sep and a match?

Thats G G G G Granville my assistant

You will never guess who came into my humble establishment this evening for a tin of 'oops,
none other than a regular from the boils yed ( when it was open) , A most knowledgeable and informative poster from way back, Dustaff,
He walked in, bold as brass and asked," dustaff uncle joe's"
I banned him straight away, I said,
" tha not coddin' me deuth, eff off "

was I in order or, should I have served him ?

Do you have any sherbet fountains Mr Arfur?

absolutely Angelwood , they come in two sizes , small with a straw and large with a straw and googles, or you can buy liquorish sticks or ( Spanish} as we call it, to dip in, in curley , straight or stranded varieties.

c'mon in, the price is right,

How much are your penny bubblies?

Do you have a 'penny tray'?

Couple of times we had Campino strawberry and cream sweets then they banned them (too many E numbers) Been told you can still buy them at £7 a bag ,Arfur you should start selling then at 50p each sweet

Arfur is so old he sold Aztec bars when the Aztec's made them!
They are the reason the Aztecs died out, He ripped them off.

I've come for my protection money. I'm charging you the same as the other shops round here, pay up or I'll send the boys round.

Tuddy penny bubblies are 1d , the old penny, this is an imperial shop, It never went metric so, Yes Tonker there is a penny tray everything is 1d
lollies, milk chews, gob stoppers , black jacks, midget gems, love hearts, pastels, fruit, gums, twirls, beech nut, PK's , Spanish ,
seppies with a match 2d , jubblys 3d , Corona bottles 1/2d return each,
special sale this week, Robinson jam pin on badge ( Golly W**), a tanner, please don't wear in the shop,

Protection money, Platty?

You won’t be an angel in next year’s nativity either if you carry on like that!

Oh!!! Dear. The last Angel to go bad was Lucifer and look at the trouble he has caused and still causing
I think Arfur should rethink his casting in this instance and perhaps recast him as King Herod.

So when Platty says ‘protection money’, Jathbee, do you think he’s just after another crown?

I want more than 5/- jo anne, seems to me Arfur's doing well.

Yes, but he doesn’t sell baseball bats and won’t buy your protection racquet. So unless there’s anything else, you can clear off!

#SupportLocal

5 bob Platty ? are you mad That's a Kings randsome, Send your boys round and GGGGGG Grandville will cut them up and sell them as jelly babies, I am associated with that big lad what left and he pop's in every week for his 2 oz of peardrops as 'helper' money,

Mr Firefox , I stopped doing aztec bars in the 1960's because of a black eye,
A pit chap came in and asked for 2 woodbine seppies and 2 matches, I asked him if he would like them in a toffee bag, as some do, he said no, aztec um in't pocket, So I charged him for 2 seppies, 2 matches and an aztec bar which I thought he'd put in his pocket, He then shouted some profanities at me and thumped me in the eye,
A total misunderstanding on my part that i did't want to repeat

Doo yoo have toffee jars on the shelves behind the counter.

Pear Drips
Chocolate Éclairs
Those horrible lime coloured things
Raspberry Ruffles
Blackcurrant & Liquorice
Winter Nips
Cough Candy
Everton Mints
Sherbet Lemons
Pineapple Cubes
Aniseed Balls

Kali on the counter, along with lollipops

yes Mr Twostrokes, plus, Bom Boms, candy necklaces . chewing nut, Dib Dabs , fox's glazier mints, candy cane honey combs ,star bursts , lemon sherberts and much much more, all still 2ds for a 2 ounce bag,

What was those 'wood' things, they tasted of liquorice, but they were a type of wood which yoo choo'ed on, they sold them at chemists too, eventually the wood became to stringy to choo on, so you threw it a way.

And did chemists also sell barley sugar sweets

Liquorice root sticks.


Giz an ounce of Spanish Gold and 20 Lucky stars please, Arfur.

Mmm, now where did I put those Lucky stars ? ah ah here they are, So thats 3 shilling for the ounce of Spanish Gold and 2 and 6 for the Lucky stars, thats 5 shillings and 5pence or interms for the cas register

66 old pence

That's 10/11. Crikey, a 10 bob note, big pocket money, but 5/- for me and my boys. 5/11 for Arfur.
Do you sell comics as well, does anyone do paper rounds for you?

66 old pence is 5s/5d or ofter put like this £0-5s-5d

12 pence to a shilling, 20 shillings to a pound,
ggggggranville gets 12/6 a week for taking the papers and yes we do,
the beano, the dandy, the Beezer and Victor
for the Girls we do
Bunty and Judy,
papers are Daily Herald, Daily mirror and the guardian,

You have taken 3 shillings, 2 shillings and 6 pennies, 5 shillings and 5 pennies. That is 10 shillings and 5 pennies.
Seems to me you are cooking the books to accommodate me.
Good man.
Who is your accountant, Frank Abagnale?

Ah ha. Where is The Telegraph, Times, Mirror, Star. Mining Times?

no no Platty
3 shillings for the baccy
2shillings and a tanner for the cigs
equals 5 shillings and a tanner, Total,

Telegraph in Wigan ? Only Gaffer reads that and he was still in uni , Telegraph ?? you're having a laff, Star wasn't invented,
We have the mirror in every day,

are you looking for a paper lad Arfur ?

By Heck lad, you must me septic, Yes I am, Early mornings and late afternoons to deliver the Wigan Post also Saturday evenings to deliver the Pink,
12/6 a week plus tips,

I've just sacked my other lad
he was always fooling about

I was a paper boy

Beautifully edited tomplum

Posted by: Tommy Two Stroke (5923)

I was a paper boy

i was, used a bike but my da kept blowing in my eyes

Anymore applicants for Paperboy, If not i will hire that tomplum, he seems a nice lad, IU asked him has he got a bike and he said, in his very distinguished Wigan accent,

Biaaaake Liaaaake, no chance, I've geet a 1973 Ford granada Me
I'm thinking, I can extend my paper circulation with this guy on board

I Used to work in butchers in Norley Hall in school holidays and weekends. Got loads of meat and stuff. Did the paperboys get free papers or just free ogle at page 3?

Arfur, Are you paying extra for delivering The Observers on Fridays?

Yes Tuddy English law dictates that, paper boys must be over 13 years old, can only do one of the two shifts which are
1. early morning and or, evening papers fr 5 days
or
Sat and Sun papers which are bigger and weigh more, usually broadsheet and the Observer which, is also a broadsheet,
We can't put children up a chimney anymore neither, That why I closed down my chimney sweeping business, This Country is going to the dogs,

A nice letter I got this morning,

Dear Mr Petesake,
You do not know us but, we were a rival bidder for the corner shop and in the dying seconds of the auction , my wife got severe diarrhea and we had to exit the auction room to find a toilet for her,
We are wondering if you would consider selling the shop to us if we raise the winning bid by 10%
your singhcerely
Mr and Mrs Patel

You'll need a team of paper lads if that's the case, you'd better come up with an aptitude test when you start recruiting.

What a good idea tuddy an olde World corner shop challenging the new World youngster by doing an on-line aptitude test for delivering papers and if that does't go too well, I'll hire that tomplum geezer,

I'll get our Maud for do some test papers

Arfur's paperboy application form and test,
name
address
which skoo dust go to,
ast ever bin a prefect ?
ast ever bin a milk monitor
dust get in mony feyghts
is thee homework done a wom or on't skoo bus copied off form nerd
ast geet a biaaake,
what is your expected earnings

sign here,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
don't ring me, I'll ring thee,

Don't be too ambitious Arfur, as long as they know thansers to questions one and two, name and address, that should be good enough.

believe it or not these are some the on-line form applications,

name,,, me not got a name yet,
address,, Bed and Breakast
what is skoo ??
n/a
n/a
n/a
n/a
n/a
my advisor says, cash in hand any amount,

applicant 2

my boot het gesink, ek het geswem, kan u help?

The final decision is, i'm giving tomplum the job, he is local, knows all the streets, and he's done the job before and the locals shout at him

you've got the job Tom , start tomorrow 6,am

Wow,,,thanks Arfur, I'll be there, and I'll get my new bike out

its a bad boy

Wicked