Puns for the cryptically educated

(and musically stunted!!)

1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know I am the king ?!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are." ---------------------

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled. ---------------------

3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient." ---------------------

4. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of moose rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on." ----------------------

5. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census !" ----------------------

6. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an buffalo skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides. (Some may need help with this one). -----------------------

7. A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

The galley slaves were taking a rest after a full day rowing under merciless sun


with the sound of the slave driver's gong still ringing in their ears.


"It's not the captain's waterskiing that bothers me so much" said one slave to his shipmate.


"It's that gong, gong, gong every two seconds. I'm going to get rid of it"


The slaves decide that under cover of darkness,


they would lift the gong from its chains and throw it overboard.


"We can't do it like that" suggested one of the plotters


"They would be sure to hear us - we'll have to find a way to slip it quietly into the water"


.So that night, six of the slaves lifted the heavy gong


and carried it carefully to the stern of the galley -


but there was no way to slip the gong into the water without banging it noisily on the boat.


"I have it! - I'll slip under the rail and hold on with my back to the stern,


then I will act as a slide for you to ease the gong over my body


and quietly into the water", said the brightest of the slaves.


This was working perfectly, when suddenly the slave driver appeared behind the plotters.


"What the hell do you think you're doing?" he shouted.


To a man, the men sprang to attention, and burst into song ...


One, two, three -


"We're sliding a gong on the chest of a slave ...."

HAHA

The guitarist passed out on stage, he must have rocked himself to sleep.

If you can't find anyone to sing with you have to duet yourself.

A dead writer of music is de-composing.

What do you mean you can't tuna fish? Just adjust its scales.

When a jazz musician's clothes are all worn out it's ragtime.

Sign on a music store window: 'Come in and pick out a drum -- then beat it!'

A music store was robbed. The thief made away with the lute.

She was given a violin lesson for free, with no strings attached.

Here at my estate on Monteverdi I attempted a Liszt of classical composers but had to go Bach because I couldn't get a Handel on it.

He tried to play the shoehorn but got only footnotes.

Those who hate classical music have my symphony.

If you break a string on your guitar don't Fret.

The consequence of playing drums often is re-percussions.

Did you hear about the vampire who used to torture his victims with music? His Bach was worse than his bite.

My favorite allergy song is Blowin' in the Wind by Peter Pollen Mary.

When a musician's toupee fell into his saxophone he blew his top.

The novel about a musician in treble was a real clef-hanger.

You're just showing off.

(Some may need help with this one).

I tried to read out number 3 to my children and started laughing before the end. Thanks, Erontquay, Kryten and Ayrefield.

I am partial to a Pun or 2, great work finding them,

Su Wong marries Lee Wong


Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year,
the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy,
but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents.
'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
'Well, two Wong's don't make a white,
so I think we will name him...

Are you ready for this?



Sum Ting Wong

Whoopi Goldberg has married Gérard Depardieu

she is now known as Whoopi Doopidu