Ad nauseum

I've been diagnosed with chronic fear of giants; Feefiphobia

What bounces and makes kids cry?

My donation cheque to Children in Need.

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger's.

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?

"Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea,"

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh**t?"

A patty?

Did she also stick a y on the end of everything?

Was it a reindeer?

It wasn't a cheap. That's all I know.

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club.

Roses are Green

Violets are Green

Eastenders is Green...

My TV's boken

I heard there are clinics where men pay thousands of pounds to have their sperm frozen for use later in life...

Clearly these men have never washed their Scrotum with "Original Source Mint And Tea Tree Shower Gel"

After having her 9th baby, an Irish woman saw her Priest. "I don't no why I get pregnant so often, there must be something in the air", she exclaimed. "Yes", said the Priest. "Your bleedin' legs!"

I went into the into the Butchers today, and asked, "Have you got a pigs head?"

"Yes" he replies,

"Well cut me a couple of lamb chops then, porky face".

It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.

Noooooooo

I read the Wile E Coyote comment on here recently.

On 'Twaddle' actually.


Posted by: the_gwim_weaper (inactive)
Now, off my thread with your words of wisdom...

Isn't it sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels

Replied: 29th Oct 2011 at 16:45

Bangalore

Ever the environmentalist, I have re-used it.

I was trying to look cool todayat work, so I put my hat on backwards.

Stupid idea. I could hardly see what I was welding.

"Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day."

What a slow eater.

I've been dating a homeless women recently, and I think it's getting serious.

She asked me to move out with her

Fact of the day

went the supermarket today the wife said "you lazy bone idle swine "i was so shocked i nearly fell out the trolley

I've just had a right go at a bloke for daubing white paint all over me.

"It's not white paint" he said sarcastically. "It's Tippex".

"Oh I'm sorry" I responded. "My mistake".

I stand corrected.

On holiday in the beautiful Greek Islands I asked my new girlfriend if she'd like try fellatio,

"No thanks" she replied "He's ugly, but I'd give any of the other waiters a go."

She sounds like a wrong un.

My new girlfriend asked me if we can have something more 'Christmassy' on the television.

So I put fifa on and played in snowy conditions.

I just shouted Misha B.

But she didn't listen and it stung her.

I love this time of year. You can slam your laptop shut when your girlfriend walks into the room and you don't get any disgusted looks.

I went to see the doctor. He asked me if I'd ever given myself a prostate examination.

I replied, "not deliberately, but the wife always buys cheap toilet roll."

Last month, Wits University and RAU scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.
... It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :

1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologise when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.

Expect complaints.

Just had an email from Sainsbury's with the subject "Did you know you could be going to the Paralympic Games?"

Is this because I went to Waitrose yesterday? Who's running Sainsbury's now, the Kray twins?

I went back to see my doctor today.

I said, "I applied the pile cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction."

"Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked.

I said, "On the bus."

Ooooo!

I've got to say I am very disappointed with my UK Border Agency Advent Calendar.

All the doors have been left open.

Wigginer goes to the vets.
Wigginer: Con't ava luck at me cat?
Vet: Is it a tom?
Wigginer: No I browt it wi'me, it's in't car!

I got chatting to two birds in a club.

I said to one, "You look hotter than your mate."

"Awww" She said, "You really think so?"

I said, "Yeah, you've got sweat dripping all down your face."

I was having a poo in the train toilet today, when some bloke knocked on the door.

He said, "Can I see your ticket please?"

"Not right now" I shouted, "I'm having a poo!"

He said, "I don't believe you, can you pass it under the door?"

"No problem," I said, sliding it under. "The yellow bits are sweetcorn."

Clining spung

Eeewwwwwwwwwwww

My son came home from school yesterday and said to me

"Dad, I have got a part in the school play, I play a man who has been married for 25 years"

I said to him "never mind son, maybe you will get a talking part next year"

Did you realise that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes" and a man's "I'll be home in five minutes" are exactly the same?

I won a load of money in the bookies yesterday and my mate said, "I hope you're going to spread the wealth."

"Of course I will." I replied as I put some in my back pocket, some in my top pocket and the rest in my wallet.

I saw a man walking down the street wearing a Superman t-shirt.

I walked up to him and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"

He said, "What?"

I said, "That one of us is lying."

mac/gwim/perkin

How dare you.

I was walking through town today, a tramp stopped me and said "sir can you give me £1 for a Pie?"

I replied, "Okay, but let me see the Pie first."

A middle-aged woman looks in the mirror.
"God, I look old, fat and ugly," she says to her hubby. "Pay me a compliment, dear."
Her hubby says, "Your eyesight's good!"

I went to a bisexual orgy once.

It was six of one and half a dozen of the other

Did you change ends at half time?

You disgust me!

I saw a female truck driver swerve through traffic, cutting up other road users before smashing into the car in front. On the back of her truck was a sign that said, 'How am I driving?'

I thought, "I've got no idea either!".

Was she owt to look at?

I wouldn't push her out of her cab.

Really

No, she was driving it at the time, so it would be irresponsible of me.

I'm putting out Vodka & potatoes for Santa this year ...You can bet your life some Polish Bugger has taken his job!

Ed Ball and Simon ball were in the middle of a cycling ride when suddenly a car sped round the corner and toppled onto its side. The balls immediately cycled over to the incident to help the man who was trapped inside. "Are you ok ?" the balls asked, "im Simon and this is my brother Ed balls, we are going to see if we can pull you out!" but just before they did the man replied "NO DONT! go find a farmer and get him to pull me out with his tractor". So off they went and soon they returned with what the man wanted. The farmer managed to free the man despite many cuts and bruises. It could've been much worse, he could've been pulled out by the balls!

Voting for the best singer on the X Factor is like voting for the breed of dog that lays the nicest-tasting turds.

I was washing the car with my son earlier,

He didn't make a very good sponge...

VG, do you enjoy American Dad I wonder?...Last nights second helping was easily the funniest ever. Roger was Gollum/Smeagol. Hilarity ensued.

I don't think I have even watched three episodes - I keep saying I'll watch it and then I'm usually doing something else. I usually check the TV guides at this time of year so I'll keep my eye open for it. Heaven knows what I used to watch before The Simpson's/Family Guy.

Eh, do you remember a US cartoon in the 70's called 'Wait Til Your Father Gets Home'? Just remembered that

Yes, I enjoyed it.....

Thanks for that - very topical given the vole situation.

I try.

Real letter:

Dear British Egg Information Service,

First things first. Thank you ever so much for being involved with eggs. I love eggs. I can stare at them for hours on end before getting bored. I have become so familiar with them that I can successfully identify which end is the pointy one with my eyes closed, using touch alone. I can also guess whether an egg is boiled or not boiled with an accuracy rate of almost 50%. This is how much I like eggs.

I am writing to you because I would like to make an enquiry, and I would also like to share a recipe. I will save the enquiry until later, because it will not be interesting to you. Unlike my recipe, which is without a doubt the greatest thing I have ever created with eggs - even if I do say so myself!! Other people have said it too so I am morally absolved from blowing my own eggy trumpet.

Here it is:

EGG TUBES

Ingredients
Six medium eggs
1 normal sized pack of extra strong Cheddar
3 teaspoons of flour
4g of glue
2 cardboard tubes

Method
Preheat the oven to Gas Mark 4
Unwrap and finely grate the block of Cheddar. Place on a plate and set aside until later.
Measure out the flour and place in a small bowl. Don't forget to seal the bag of flour back up again to prevent weevils or mice.
Remove the eggs from their box and place on the kitchen counter. Recycle the box or locate someone to do this for you, e.g. the council.
Apply a small amount of glue all around one rim of each of the cardboard tubes. Carefully affix these around your eyes, making sure you can see out of the end of the tube.
Tip your head back so that the tubes are vertical. Using your hands, find the bowl of flour and empty it onto your fingers. Rub this in - it will provide extra grip.
Pick up an egg and very gently lower it into one of the tubes. Do not allow it to break. Repeat this step with the rest of the eggs, placing a total of three in each tube.
Locate the plate of cheese and eat as much as you like.
Turn the oven off.


That's it! I hope you like it. I am very happy for you to use it for egg promotion or in any advertising campaigns.

Now, on to the enquiry. I would be very interested to learn where it is that eggs come from. A very good friend of mine has told me that they are discovered in the ground, but I am not sure if this is true. Could you please provide more information on the source of eggs? In addition, I would be delighted to receive some feedback on my recipe.

Yours sincerely,

Chad Bradley.





Real Reply:

Dear Mr Bradley

Thank you very much for your letter of 3 April 2009.

We, at the British Egg Information Service, are delighted that you love eggs. And we were every impressed by your uncanny ability in being able to identify whether an egg is boiled or not. This is a skill that I would like to master and to be able to get it right 50% of the time - eggsceptional.

Over the years, we have received some quite eggcentric recipes, sent in by the general public. But I must say that yours is by far the most imaginative.

It is with some regret, however, that I have to let you know that we are unable to use your recipe within our advertising or promotion. Having tried your recipe, we have discovered a rather unfortunate side-effect, which was borne our by three hours in A&E and the complete loss of eyebrow hair.

You posed a question as to where eggs come from. In terms of hens eggs (which is what we at the BEIS represent), they come mostly from supermarkets. However, you could try the local butcher or indeed milkman. Originally, of cour they come from hens, providing you with a tasty, nutritious food that you can enjoy every day.

Since you have such a great love of eggs, i enclose an inflatable egg cup so that you can enjoy your boiled egg anywhere - they work particularly well in the bath I'm told.

With best wishes
Yours sincerely
Kevin Coles

Re: American Dad - it was on one of the Virgin Channels last night - unfortunately I fell asleep - but this wasn't due to the show - more a glass of wine and having hauled a Christmas tree about.

Do you often haul trees when bladdered?

I wasn't bladdered - I only had a couple of glasses. Went to B&Q for a real one. Got one of them holders to stand it in - I got up this morning and it had fallen over in the night, water on the floor and everything - I'm havin a bad week.

Yeah right. *Hic*

The 'water' wasn't yellow was it?

No water that I had put in the holder supposedly to keep the needles on - its still not right yet - but it will be after another couple of glasses tonight

A likely story. I heard they used to call you Slasher at School, and not because you carried a blade.

the wife bought mi a cook book on road kill so i went out out got some road kill it was lovley
still dont know what to do with his bike tho

I was playing this fit bird in a Scrabble tournament last night when my mate text me from the crowd and asked me to fix him up with her.

I put in a good word for him.

BBC News: A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.

He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp £9 notes.

At the start of the exam, the invigilator says, "You have exactly 2 hours. I will not accept any papers after this time has elapsed."

Two hours later, the invigilator calls out, "Time's up, Ladies and Gentlemen."

One student is still scribbling away ten minutes later when the invigilator has all the collected papers in a large stack front of him. Slowly, the student finishes up and walks over to hand in his paper, but the invigilator refuses to accept it. The student puffs up his chest and says:

"Do you have any idea who I am?"

"No," says the invigilator.

"Great," says the student as he slips his paper into the middle of the stack.

it wasn't until the flames engulfed his body, that pinnochio realised wooden puppets shouldn't masturbate

Oh dear.

Just had the best dinner I have had all year!

Sprouts have just started.

Bubble bubble, toil and trouble...

I've just found a Christmas present for my daughter in the loft.

I'll take it up to her later.

The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did too, she began running so I ran too, she screamed so I screamed as well. I never even saw what we were running from.

Animal puns are not funny in any neigh, sheep or farm.

Any neigh?

Rhyme it with Any way, Sheep - shape, Farm - form

Ah, rhyming, Jo Anne

I thought it would have been better put; a neigh way sheep or farm.

Mind you, I probably think too much anyway.

Just had a whopper in Burger King.

Had to pull the chain twice to flush it away.

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* it will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ??
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Concrete floors are very hard to crack.

Snooker is on Telly. ..

Who will take the second shot in this snooker game?

Find out after the break.

The Anthony Worrall Thompson diet, cheese and wine .....followed by porridge.

With Tesco tea to follow.

He should have gone to Tesco's.

He's barred.

Good.!!! he deserves it too.

He's been doing it while by the sounds of it.

Well, he must have stolen an awful lot because Tesco are shedding 400 - 600 jobs .

What floats Elton John's boat?

Flamboyancy.

I wonder if he is responsable for Tesco Profits being down....

His restaurant profits will be going down now he has to buy his own stock

And bang go the Cheese + Wine parties.

Premature ejaculator seeks fem... oh, never mind.

I was explaining to my wife how sometimes I feel really high and then really low.

She said "Mac, get off the bleedin'swing."

AWT is now claiming his abused childhood..

Claiming or blaming?

No wonder...etc..

He has also managed to wangle a 'reality' show out of it.

A right drama queen.

Anthony Worral Thompson is to seek treatment for his condition.

I offered to steal him a hair dye, he still hasn't replied yet, the ignorant sod.

Just heard that a midget fortune-teller has escaped from Wigan police station.
Cops say he's a small medium at large.

Ooo -

Please share the following information with your friends.
Shampoo warning
I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out before !!!!!

I wash my hair in the shower and the shampoo runs down over my whole body.

Printed very clearly on the label is the following warning:

"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."
No WONDER I have been gaining weight!!!


Well, I have got rid of that shampoo and I am going to
start using Dish Washing Liquid instead.
Its label reads,

"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

Problem solved!

Tee hee.

I still live with my parents. We argue a lot. But the make-up sex is pretty great

I have massive breasts, I make amazing sandwiches and I'm really good at Computer games...

Unfortunately, my name's Adam and I'm a chubbster

I thought putting a large mirror in the bedroom would help spice up our sex life.

But the Mrs. saw her *rse.

im not the best dancer
but when i stand in dog shite i can moon walk doogie and cha cha slide

John Terry has described losing the England captaincy as the most disappointing thing to happen to him since he ran out of petrol on the way to Wayne Bridge's house.

paddy mick and tat walk in a pub a bloke at the bar says r u related mick says i to be sure im mick this is paddy thats tat where triplets the bloke says how come you and paddy r over 6 foot and tat is only 4foot mick says we where breast feed and there was no tit for tat

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

I thought 'Tat' was a typo at first.

As I knelt down with a pair of size 4 shoes in front of this sexy blonde in a short skirt, I couldn't resist a quick glance at her knickers.

"Hey cheeky!" she said as she gave me a playful kick. "I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls' skirts isn't it?"

"That's an absolutely ridiculous accusation, madam," I said sternly. "I don't work here."

Al bundy comes to mind.

Another very funny US show.

Al Bun Deeeeeee

Kelly's dad

Highly unlikely.

(That's Al's Daughter, by the way)

Marcy wasn't too bad, either.

Haven't we touched on Marcia in a previous post?....Looked rather tasty in later progs.

I never touched her. Poor thing hasn't weathered well.

I never touched her. Poor thing hasn't weathered well.

Did you not touch her twice?

Dear iPhone, Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.

No, but I certainly remember the episode where she visited London.

'Baaad Americans!'

It was a two-parter.

I see Alun Armstong was in it. He got a good hiding in Get Carter and played Spraggon in Porridge. More recently in 'New Tricks'.

I wonder what a 'bad hiding' will feel like?

Will?

You expecting one?

Not on your nelly. Blubberers and keyboard warriors abound, but none shall pass.

Name names! Damn you.

Shan't, lest 'others' bleat that we are as bad as them.

Bleat?

I have no sheepishness about it.

Hence the noted saying, 'On Ilkley Moor baa-ed hat.'

I wouldn't want to try that one on.

Never let anyone pull the wool over etc ...

Not really. I'd just look like a notreet.

Or even more like one.

If the cap fits.....You wouldn't suit it, Dostaf.

Why the big pause?

Recipient(s)

Note the paw design on the 'pockets' of the hat.

Sheep don't habe paw pads. (Or so I'm told)

Big pause = Line from corny old joke about a bear.

Sheep have hooves, or so I'm led to believe, Dostaf.

So why the paw/poor design on yon mon's helmet?

They say there's a hormone released that makes men sleepy after sex.


Personally I think It's carrying the body and digging the grave that makes me tired.

I won £500 on a radio competition this morning.
The DJ called me and said, "We are going live in a few seconds, I'm going to ask you what you're going to spend your money on and I want you to tell the listeners on air."

"Okay" I replied.

He said, "3...2....1..... Congratulations to Mac, our competition winner, what are you going to spend the money on?"

I said, "I'm going to spend it on air."

Gwim, time you went out and got a life.

Ellen snivelling?....Who would have thought it.

"It's a boy!"

I shouted, as I ran from the Thai brothel.

I walked into the shop and the girl behind the counter said, "Sorry, no dogs."

"That's OK, I brought my own. It's actually Branston Beans I'm looking for?"

A policeman pulled a man over and as he approached the window he immediately drew his gun and screamed "Where's the little girl!"

The man said, "What little girl?!"

The officer aimed his gun and yelled again, "SHOW ME THE LITTLE GIRL!"

The man now in tears, said, "I SWEAR I DON'T KNOW!"

The officer smiled and said, "...There's the little girl."

A police officer just knocked on my door "I'm sorry, Sir, but your wife has been involved in a fatal car crash and we would like you to accompany us so you can identify the body"

I said "I'm a bit busy right now. Can't you take a photo and tag me on facebook. If it's her I'll click the like button.

I saw a butterfly on the floor with no wings. So I poured some redbull on it and BAM!

It drowned.

We had my grandad round the other day and he was trying to work out how to use the remote for the television.

"I miss when there were no remotes," He grumbled, "And all you got was a series of knobs on the television."

So I put the Jeremy Kyle Show on.

The new girl at work slapped me today because I asked if she spits or swallows.

It seemed like a reasonable question considering we work as wine tasters

My daughter's school teacher rang me today.

"Young Sarah didn't turn up for school today?" he said.

"I know, her mother died yesterday," I replied. "So she won't be back for a while."

"Sorry to hear that," he sighed. "How's she getting on?"

"Very well," I replied. "She's on her 3rd lot of laundry and has already prepared dinner."