Poppycock

"You can't get the poppies"


Plenty of.......

No wonder...etc...

Simon says put your hand in the fire

Oooo, all this space, I could get my scalextric out in here.

These trousers could be a little more roomy though.

Poppycock you type!
No, just need a wash.

Greetings. Pull up a chair.

Keep your back straight and bend your knees.

Look what I've found.

See 13:06

Q) How does Batman's mother call him in for tea?























A) She doesn't. She was murdered.

I walked into a brothel and asked how much they charged.

It was £50 for a standard massage, and £300 for a massage with a happy ending.

I excitedly handed over my £300, chose which girl I wanted, and walked into a private room.

45 minutes later I walked out, fully satisfied. It was a lovely massage, and by far the best fairytale I'd ever been read.

Dear Deirdre...The other day, whilst standing at my bedroom window, I noticed my next door neighbour in her back garden, she was wearing the skimpiest bikini I think I have ever seen, she was sunbathing. From behind the curtains of my bedroom, I proceeded to "practice my fiddle". I turned suddenly to find my wife in the room doorway, silently watching me with her arms crossed. Is my wife a pervert?...help me please...I dont know what to think of her behaviour....

Is this a new foray in the career of Messrs Gwim and dustaf?

I am educating him in the ways of the Gentleman caller, VG.

Leaping out of the bushes during the wee small hours is simply not on!

Typing that...
When my neighbour sees me peering through her window with my binoculars, she immediately closes the curtains. I'm convinced she has something to hide.

May I be so bold as to suggest a header for your next "foray" I liked "twaddle" and I may like "poppycock", but I think Cock and Bull has a certain ring to it.

I did venture a suggestion of Balderdash, or maybe Bunkum, he chose to show his independence and chose Poppycock.

Given the choice, I'll be cock.

Hasnt taken him long, has it?

No wonder... etc....

Sorry posted a pic of my mums party, Still learning

If they (attempts) don't work, leave them on, so the problem may be visible, Erontquay.

ie Try again on a fresh post.

It wasn't accessible to other WWers though, Erontquay, as it was a secure link. http://s

http://s1176.photobucket.com/albums/x326/picturemethis6/?action=view¤t=DSC00006.jpg This is the same pic that I posted before of my mums party It should be a bull reading a newspaper. God what did I say send in the medics quick

http://s1176

See Jo Anne's 19:12

It is a private image, Erontquay.

But I,m Copying the http//www etc in the box at the top. Not to worry I,ll get the hang of it sooner or later

You'll get there.

Oh, and please don't worry about buggering about and spoiling my nice new thread.

Dont get Cocky, there back on thread

I should think so too.

'Twaddle' didn't get any whines or whinges (surprisingly) and I hope we attract none on here.

Nice new thread

It was once.

Will it mature with age?

That could just be Gwim's socks, Jo Anne. You should see what he puts on the radiators.

'Mature'

Never in a month of Sundays.

is it a nice pair of housekippers

Headline in the Sun newspaper, 'The-tsunami-inspired-me-to-donate-my-sperm'.

What excuses does Dostaf have, I wonder?

Save the seed for fatherhood.

In jars?
I do hope you keep them in the little refrigerated box at the top of the fridge!

Two Irishmen had a nightmare day visting the sperm bank in London. Paddy missed the tube and Murphy came on the bus.

'Save the seed for fatherhood.'

This was advice given to somebody as a young boy, by Priests or suchlike. Google isn't helping. I think it may have been Tom Baker.

Similar advice to that given about sleeping with hands crossed over the chest.

I sleep like that....Only problem is it isn't my chest....

Nor my hands.

Does this help?

Yes, more nakky women than you could shake a stick at,
And you would know all about that.

(Blank page)

That, dear boy, is Carla Bruni.

Perhaps she should be on 'Politics'?

Ah, I was offered Google as some kind of second prize. You fixed it, I see.

Yes. That was automatically done by the site I nicked the image from.

There is a nakkier one of Carla, either before, or after she crossed her arms.

Filth!

That's a keeper.

Shameless the pair of you!

'Nice new thread' indeed - it is just another way to peddle yet more filth

My pic was purely to remind him that the Law is keeping an eye on his lewdity.

His is gratuitous tompeepery.

They both get away with an awful lot, Veg Grower. Obviously influentials.

(Bad influences on each other, at least.)

Something refreshingly edifying.

I very nearly put a link on to a Milligan clip yesterday.

I was reminded of his 'Epilogues' when I saw the 'Thought For The Day' thread.

He was a crusty old cleric sat in a chesterfield armchair and as he ended his words he would sneeze and a load of talc would fall off his head.

There is one clip on Youtube, but it contains naughtiness.

The Epilogue

(Have I watched it? The clue's in the title.)

How he came up with daft things like that (powder) amazes me.

He also did a naughty one about Daleks and curry.

"Put it in the curry" (Typed in Dalek accent)

I think it's on Youtube.

Indeed it is.

"Have you finished your homework?"

"Yes - I - have - destroyed - it."

(He can't blame it on the dog again.)

They don't (daren't) make 'em like they used to.

At least the language wasn't filthy.

Ning Nang Nongsense

Jim Bowen's sacking/resignation comes to mind.

The poweder thing was taken from one of Dickens stories turned into Film, the fasntastic Oliver Twist.
Mr. Grimwick I think?

Im scratching my head trying to place Mr Grimwig.

Mr. Grimwig is so called because his seemingly "grim", pessimistic outlook is actually a protective cover for his kind, sentimental soul.

Here

Was he Brownlow's mate who reckoned the boy would probably do a runner with the books and money?

Grimwig - sounds a bit like Fezziwig from A Christmas Carol.

'Mr. Grimwig said, "Why don't you send Oliver? I'm sure he will deliver them safely." ... Mr Brownlow said he would be back in twenty minutes at the most. Mr Grimwig warned him not to expect the boy to come back.' here)

That's the fellow.

I don't know if dust fell out of his hair when he sneezed though.

I didn't recognise the name at all.

Reminds me - I have always fancied reading all of Dickens work - just never got round to it.

I wouldn't have known the name, Veg Grower. I googled.

There was a marvelous sketch in Not The Nine O Clock News (early 80's) where two gentlemen met in an inn/tavern.

Probably a parody of scene from Pickwick Papers.

Think the main players were Smith and Jones. Anyroad, it was a micky take on Dickens character titles. More and more people were introduced.

I remember one being Mr Fezzypeg and possibly a Fuzzyrug.
Then, one was asked if he was Mr Rum-tiddley-um-tum. He replied in an apologetic way that the questioner was in fact mistaking him, as he was Mr Rum-tiddley-um-tum-tum-tum.


At this point, a text appeared across the screen to the effect ot

"We apoligise for the outbreak of silly names in thes programme. Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible"

What's in a name?

I really wish I could find that sketch. Or even the script.

I've just found a box full of cricket balls.

And a bag full of grasshopper penises.

Wanna buy any....going cheep?

"And when shall I stop, Master?"

When you can take Malteser out of bag, without meltage.

According to the old joke, it was:

"When your eyes are like mine, Grasshopper"

Blindist!...

HOI COOLIE!

Are you up for a small part?

That's me aking if you are of a theatrical bent. No your 'maid' reminding you it's time for work.

I shall take the bait...Amateur dramatics, perchance?

I'm thinking of writing a play.

Don't worry, there's no casting couch.

'I'm thinking of writing a play.'



To help you get started, Dustaf, I'd suggest changing of to and.

www.writeaplay.co.uk

(Too late for this year's competition, but there'a always next year's. You've got to begin it to win it.)

Thank you, Jo Anne.

Work in progress.

Will I be a dashing debonair Gentleman of the Southern States of America?

Not exactly.

Frankly, me deer, a don't give a dam.
Now git!

Suit yourself

It could have led to bigger things.

I don't want 'bigger things' thank you very much!

Now, tell me what you have in mind for me?

I don't really have much to go on at the moment.

Work in progress.

I shall await my fitting.

Listen, buggerlugs...I am not 'starring' in any play that begins, 'This is a play wot I wrote, Jim, (Me) is lying naked on top of the bed after a hot shower, when in comes Tom, the boy who peeps (You) through the window'.
The rest you are imagining right now.

I knew you had it in you.

Only if you have your way with me.

Working title:

Vienna's Merchants

Vienna

How long til opening night?

My advice?...Make it real

All depends on funding VG.

I'm having none of that nonsense, Gwim.

Give us some clues as to how your play is progressing, we can then chip in with ideas.


I stole an idea once..

Going well.

you could always resort to plagiarism

NEVER!

I try my best not to C&P jokes. Or at least I used to.

Then I thought, 'sod it', everybody else does.

Right, set the play in Bavaria, during the Oktoberfest, where much mirth and merriment will ensue.
I will ask my friend if she will join in with us, maybe even get on stage?

Oooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh.

She looks nice and clean. Couple of questions, if you don't mind.

1. Can I try her hat on?

2. Does she come with the Ooompah band?

Haff you heard der german band?............

NEXT

I've got that German Officer from Those Magnificent Men In Their Flying Machines, in me yed now.

He made band noises, similar to the bloke who did the theme tune to Blott On The Landscape.

Google time.

Blott

In't google great?

Gert Fröbe

Three cheers for google.

"2. Does she come with the Ooompah band?"

I don't think she's that kind of girl.

Answers on a postcard

"I see the Vicar's in!"

MUM, I can see the moon from here

What news your play old chap?...I have had a sudden wheeze, I shall play the king to the Wicked Queen

I was working on a serious piece. then you started with the nakky pictures. Thinkg about pieces has now taken a turn for the worse. Not sure if it's writer's cramp or writer's block.

Ah that reminds me.

Merchants.

Vienna's Merchants.


A tale of mystery and intrigue. The protagonist and antagonist being a Vintner and a Chandler.

I am obviously the protagonist then...I shall iron my best breeches.

I'm not sure which is which, just yet.

If it does turn into a farce, the Chandler will get the most funny lines.

If a tragedy, the Vintner will get the sympathy vote from the ladies.

I'm a fan of this Chandler.

If it does turn into a farce, the Chandler will get the most funny lines.

Now is the Vintner of sour discontent.

Good luck with the play.

Mr Essex (Gwim fancies him) has recently been 'acting' in the Cockneysoap. He may be available to do a re-write of this song for me.

I'm struggling to get some nakky women into the story.

I wouldn't mind having some Policewomen in. But that has raised an issue or two.

If the play is set yonks ago, there is little scope for uniformed ladies. I could go for buxom Innkeepers'-daughters, but they always appear unseemly.

One solution, especially given a maritime flavour, would be female Customs Officers.


There's a thought.

Google time.

Research

I'm struggling here.

Do they have hats, I wonder?

Border Agency lady with a dog.

There's an idea.

Well dustaf - if you put as much effort into the script as you do into your research - it should be a huge success.

One tries one's best.

Ooooooh, David! (Compose yourself, Jo Anne!)

David didn't.

The unsung heroes.

'Border Agency' - Take care, Dustaf. WW's resident expert may have knowledge in spades, but implementing this could cause a headache, particularly for a lead actor.

The Scarecrow didn't have the brains, Tin Man didn't have the heart, and the Lion didn't have the courage.

So Dorothy remained a virgin.

with those red shoes?

You've no right cutting the lady off that picture, Jo Anne.

I'm not like Bunny Warren See 10:00

Apparently, Gwim is an acquaintance of the aforementioned Dorothy.

no right cutting the lady off that picture

No snap decision, this snap division - that's two snaps now - was the right thing to do.

After all, a lead actor and leading lady are both stars in their own right.

Not just 'the one on the right'. Or 'the one on the left'.

(As ever, there are two sides to the story. And writely so.)

Playwrights have to get on the right side of their cast.

Or they may be left without a play.

Now, haven't you got a write thing to do?

(All the best with the stage directions.)

One or two directions frequently come to mind, Jo Anne.

'Way to go!' directions?

See 25:21

There's a lovely bit at the end of that clip where the protesters throw something at the BSM

But he does use a naughty B word.

Surprising really, as I think the show went out at around 7:30 pm.

Holy cow, Pat Man!

Is your play along the lines of a cow herd production?

I'm struggling at the moment.

I was going to include a Fletcher (manufacturer of projectiles ) but if it is set in modern times, that may not work.

'May not work' - yes, you wouldn't want a Fletcher to cause a strike. Another headache.

Equity, Equity! They all want it - EQUITY!

There's a thought.

Will it have to be a closed shop do?

(I've only just made a point of looking up Fletcher.)

See also 'bullet maker'.

I can't find it anywhere, but it is similar to a wotsit-stirrer.

Too much googling in that direction could lead to a knock on the door.

Just aim to make a theatre bulletin.

I mean in the context of a person who makes bullets for other people to fire.

Sort of person who gets somene else to do their dirty work by stirring things.

Trying to find a written example without [i[The Spooks giving me a natty orange boilersuit.

Coolie:

See this churlish remark

Wrong date as well, Pilgrim!

Here

I'm more than certain that I do not need to explain to you how the error occurred. But I feel I owe it to some of your followers.

I had been having a bit of a dabble On this thread

This jiggery pokery involved a bit of manipulation and logging in (then out again) as t'other mon.


Hope this helps.

OOSH

Why persecutest thou me?

Two mons (14:01) don't make a wright, Dustaf.

That explanation is all work and no play.

I knew it was time for a new play the other week, when I checked a certain theread.

What stage are you at now?

Well - I was thinking of popping in and dusting off the cobwebs but I see I won't have to now.

I'm struggling for inspiration.

Maybe the forthcoming Guy Fawkes Night will help to thicken the 'Plot'

Ahhh.

There's a thought. The Chandler could provide a maroon.

"A maroon what?" You ask.

A maroon what?

We hope to see 'read' not 'red'.


Noun 3. maroon - an exploding firework used as a warning signal

It could help highlight your flair for writing.

I had intended to have the chandler supplying enough old rope. But, I've had a flash of inspiration.

You need to be flashier than that. Think big!

Your play may be followed by thunderous applause.

How about 'Bang goes the neighbourhood!' for a title - could be th'understatement of the year.

On a darker note. Did you ever watch the series GBH, Jo Anne.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/G.B.H._(TV_series)

It was a belter, with some funny moments to lighten the mood. In one scene a crazy Hotelier was seen staggering drunk around the woods in a thunderstorm at night. He wore a miner's helmet complete with lamp, and explained that he did this as a sort of game of Russian roulette.

One funny moment was when the main man (Michael Murray) was having a bit of a mental breakdown on a roadside verge. a coachload of holidaymakers/tourists stopped alongside and one hapless chap approached Murray.

He didn't ask if he was OK or anything, he just said "I know you, you're him offf the telly. Don't tell me" (pause)


"Dirty Den! That's you. Hello Dirty Den"

Murray, lying on the floor, said that he was indeed 'Dirty Den' and was in scene being filmed from a camera on top of a distant building and asked the chap to go away as he was spoiling the shot.

The chap's Burrrrrnley-type accent really added to the comedy. "Dirrrrrrrty Den"

Man on coach may have been Elgin Sparrowhawk

Google time.

David Ross (Elgin) was in GBH, but looking at that page, he must have had more of a role than just that one bit-part scene.

Anyroad the chap on the coach was as gormless as Elgin.

I didn't see GBH, but I did see Robert Lindsay on BBC Breakfast this morning. Such a tragedy that the comedy series, My Family, has finished.

No comment.

Re being flashier, Dustaf ...

I thought it would make for a divine special effect. But you know what Thor did.

Would it hammer the budget?

"Thaw with his gentle persuasion is more powerful than Thor with his hammer."

I'd have thought Thaw put the war in warm, it's hardly nice to ice.

(Having read your explanation on General, I'm glad you wear smalls whilst bathing, but toilet humour seems a bit displaced in the bath.)

Gerroff.

I won't do the "I'm Thor!" joke.

I won't do the "I'm Thor!" joke.

That deserves a big clap.

It's a very naughty joke.

It's very good of you not to tell it then, Dustaf.

And good of you not to have googled it.

I haven't. I only like good jokes.

Have you thought of employing the services of a Ghost Writer?

I know thats usually books - but similar thing

Who do you think I am?

Wayne Rooney?

I nearly cited Rooney as an example.

Once ermmmmm upon ermmmmmmm a ermmmmm time

I know - it bugs me that 'erm' - every other bloomin word - poor lad.

Actually - I think that is a contradiction in terms.

Gwim's mate has also offered to help.

is that the rear of moodysues lavatory door

No. You're thinking about the warning about limbo dancers.

If they're stuck in limbo ... might they be caught short?

'caught short'

Gerroff

From appalled to applaud - what a quick turnabout!


Hope your audiences aren't so difficult, Dustaf.

He,s away at the moment watching An Audience with Alan Davies

Twenty minutes to wait for that, Mache

Big Brother?

Alan once successfully bid £3,000 for the diary room chair that featured in the original Big Brother series.

will you repeat the QI post after

QI XL

He's (Davies) a tart.

and a bit of a wonathon woss

I like him sometimes.

As the title says, he'll excel on QI.

mock the week is much better without russell howard

'sometimes'

Bit of a Curate's egg then, Jo Anne?

He's not as bad as Ross, Mache.

but i don't watch woss

Me neither. Spoiled an episode of Extras, he did.

Spoiled an episode of Extras.....sod that, He,s ruined ITV

Piggin hell, he's not wormed his way into Emmerdale Farm, has he?

I don't think Alan's a bad egg, Dustaf.

Yes, he plays the part of a cow pat well though

That's like typing Harold Shipman had some redeeming features.

I wonder if in Victorian times, Tourette's sufferers blurted out, "Fiddlesticks, balderdash, poppycock."?

Rude to mock.

I politely asked if I could use the joke, they said, "F f f f fill your boots, we died in the late 19th cent".

Excerpt from an online dating thingamibob...

I also look like Shrek, call me.
Posted 2 months ago

Lets see.. I am a big and scray Russian dude. Well, mebe not that big and not that scray. I am 180lb but plan to be 250 in the near future. I love take risks and trying new things, and there are few things that I enjoy more than adrenaline in my body and facing fear and laughing at it, and having companions who are on the same page and willing to challange you. I scare people on my motorcycle when I am on the road, and some people are afraid for my life, yet I am confident in my safety and ability to protect the ones I am with, and will never abandon my enthusiasm for biking. I have a very deep voice voice, that can freak some people out if they are not used to hearing it. I never watch tv and very rarely watch movies with you, as there are many more things I’d rather do instead. I never start fights, but I enjoy agression from other men, because I love staying in control of my emotions and my body. And of course, I love sex, and again, there are very few things in life that I enjoy more than pleasing a woman I am with and seeing her delirious with pleasure, because I doubt that any woman can make me feel just as good as she feels. You will never catch me doing nothing. Put down your email and your number
N.

____________________________________________________

+5 for “I’m big and scary” as an opener (and misspelling “scary”).

+1 for “mebe.” Really?


+4 for “I plan on gaining 70 pounds in the near future.” What lady doesn’t want a man who lives off of bacon and steroids?

+2 for “I enjoy aggression from other men… and of course I love sex.” I think there’s something you’re not telling me.

+3 for the Emphasis on Manliness: motorcycles, deep voice, No Fear t-shirt (he didn’t mention that but you know he has a bunch).

TOTAL POINTS: 15.


(Pssst, there are others...Maybe you submitted one?)

gwim:

Is it an entry from one of them 'Dykes on Bikes' lasses?

Could be..Dustaf likes his 'partners' to be on the dominant side of matters.

Takes all sorts etc..

That's what you put on your form.

HAHAHAHA!

Here's a potential suitor

Lorry/trailer 7:18

I used to do things like this, until I took an arrow to the knee.

Useless trivia number #475

As a generally accepted explanation, the suffix "stan" is an ancient Persian and/or Farsi word meaning country, nation, land, or place of, so, the country name of Afghanistan would then mean "homeland" of the Afghans, or place of the Afghans.

And when Bagpuss wakes up.

Will it be late?

He checks his balloon knot.

Tickled me that.

Learned a new word.

And it doesn't attract diesels

I missed the balloon knot thing....the reference to bottom holes?

True.

Reminds me of the owd joke about Percy Shaw.

Had the cat been going the other way, he'd have invented the pencil sharpner.

I can't believe it was almost 12 months since Poppycock saw the light of day.

Handbags has never been busier.

Interlopers and competitors, well, I'm not.

Just like one of them stiinking bloom doings, which flower once a blue moon and are redolent of rotting flesh.

Phallic flowers as well. I hope the word phallic isn't too strong for the admin?

Stinkhorn came to mind as I typed. But them's toadstool type thingies.

Can we say/type 'thingies' in these turbulent times?

Probably not....Let's but video's of Children being butchered on instead, that seems to be ok.