Suzy -- and her Kittens

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the pavement in front of her home.
Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures, in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.

Suddenly a black car pulled up beside her. Out of the car stepped a grey haired bearded man. "Hello little girl, I'm Jeremy Corbyn leader of the Labour party. What do you have in the basket?" he asked

"Kittens" little Suzy said

"How old are they?" asked Corbyn

Suzy replied "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet"

"And what kind of kittens are they?"

"Labour party socialists" answered Suzy with a smile

Corbyn was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens. Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the Labour leader should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE KITTENS" when the black car pulled up, this time followed by vans from BBC, ITV and Sky. Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Corbyn got out of his car and walked over to little Suzy. "Hello, again" he said "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away"

"Yes sir" Suzy said. "They're Conservatives"

Taken by surprise, Corbyn stammered "But... but…yesterday, you told me they were Labour party socialists"

Little Suzy smiled and said "I know. But today, they have their eyes open”

I Was having a pint in the pub with Trigger when my brother and his boss came in for a quick one

I said "You two shouldn't be drinking on the job; isn't that dangerous?"

Trigger asked "Why, what do they do?"
I replied "they're tree surgeons"

Trigger said nothing for a while, then said confused

"But there's only two of them?"

Have you been a victim of faulty double glazing?

You could be entitled to condensation....

Four friends -- an Englishman, French man, Spanish man and a German are stood watching a juggler perform in a town centre.

The juggler thinks the 4 guys cant see him from the back of the crowd,

so he stands on a little platform he has.

Then he looks at the 4 and shouts "Can you 4 at the back see me?"

They shout back -- Yes, oui, si, ja

, d Au

It may only look like a punctuation mark and 3 letters
but it is comedy gold.

I just met a Chinese drug addict.

He said to me “Have you seen my cocaine?”

“Not since he was in Zulu” I replied

My wife asked me why I spoke so softly around the house

I said I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed
I laughed
Alexa laughed
Siri Laughed

From the mumsnet forum:

How much No More Tears shampoo do you have to rub in a baby's eyes before it stops crying?

Me; 'I feel hopelessly depressed'

Psychiatrist; 'Have you thought about self-harming?"

Me; 'Blimey, I thought you were here to help'

My mate with a stutter was telling me about his nan.

By the end of it, we were all singing Hey Jude.

I've had it with Amazon.

Every time I order some chicken pellets I get an email a few days later

asking for their feed back!

My pet shark has converted to Islam.

He now wants to be known as Mohammerhead.

just what we need on these pages from time to time a real good laugh,well done cordy .more please

It's funny how definitions have changed for parents over the years.

Your child is not 'badly behaved and a bit thick' -- they've got ADHD.

They're not a 'sissy' ---- they're born in the wrong body

Son: "Dad, how do you know if someone's a vegan?"

Father: "Don't worry son, they'll soon tell you"

How was the Roman Empire cut in half ?

With a pair of Caesars

My wife's a good looker..

wherever I hide my money, she always finds it.

Two mice meet and start chatting
“Look” says one after a while “I’ve got a new boyfriend!”
and shows a picture on the mobile phone

“OMG” cries the other mouse “that’s a bat!”

“What?! The guy told me he was a pilot!”

Greta has just released her charity single....

There won't be snow in Antarctica this Christmas.

I was in the park with my dog when I saw a bloke walking towards me

"Excuse me" I said "I'm curious, how will you vote in the election?"

"Conservative" he replied "can't trust Labour"
With that, my dog bit him

So I carried on and saw another chap and asked him the same question

"Always tory" he said, "got to keep the workers in their place"
With that, my dog bit him as well.

So I carried on and met a woman and asked her how she was going to vote in the election

"Labour" she replied "the only party to be honest, fair and just"
With her reply my dog bit her as well.

I learned something today

My dog doesn't give a damn about politics

Like the guy from Aberdeen who had his hip replaced with a
plastic one (paid for by the English taxpayer of course)

when he came round,asked the surgeon if he could have
the bone for his dog.....

A Zulu walking through the jungle comes across a pygmy standing over a dead lion

Zulu: "Did you kill that lion?"

Pygmy: "Yes, I beat it to death with my club"
Zulu: "You must have a big club"


Pygmy: "Yes, there's about fifty of us”

Went to Pizza Express yesterday after Randy Andy advertised the chain in his TV interview....

Not a great meal except for the "new to the menu"

ALIBI pizza

Things get even worse for Prince Andrew

His mum announces she's coming to stay with him for a few days!

I went bald but I still kept my comb,

I just can't part with it..