Joined: 07 Jul 2009
|Posted: Fri Mar 09, 2018 7:41 pm Post subject: The Lilt of Irish Laughter
|Paddy was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring his reflection, when he posed a question to Nora, his wife of 30 years.
"Will you still love me when I'm old, fat and balding?"
She answered "I do."
Mick walks into a bar and says "Give me a beer before the problems start!"
He drinks the beer and then orders another saying "Give me a beer before the problems start!"
The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks Mick, "When are you going to pay for these beers?"
Mick replies, "Now the problems start!"
A patient who was coming round from the anaesthetic in the ward after an operation exclaimed.
"Thank goodness that's over."
"Don't be too sure," said the man in the next bed. "They left a sponge in me and had to cut me open again."
Just then the surgeon who'd performed the operation stuck his head around the door and called out, "Has anyone seen my hat?"
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Then he notices there are pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling of the bar, so he asks the barman what they're for.
The barman replies, "If you can jump up and pull one of them down you get free beer all night. If you fail you have to pay the bar £100. So do you want to have a go?"
The man thinks about it for a while, then says, "Nah, the steaks are too high."
Man at Shannon airport: "I'd like this bag to go to Moscow, this one to New York, and this one to Rome."
Steward: "I'm sorry sir, but we can't do that."
Man replied: "Rubbish? That's what you did last time I flew with you."
Silly Billy: "I'm going to sunbathe on my holidays. I do love the sun."
Daft Doreen: "Oh so do I! I could lie in the sun all day and all night."
Teacher: "You're wearing a very strange pair of socks, Billy. One's blue with red spots and one's yellow with green stripes."
Billy: "Yes, sir, and I've got another pair just the same at home."
"Jimmy" asked the teacher, "what do you call a person who gets you into contact with the spirit world?"
"A publican, sir."
A Kerry farmer was interviewing a young man for assistant farmhand.
"You'll need to be fit," said the farmer. "Have you had any illnesses? Any accidents?
"No sir," said the young man proudly.
"But you're on crutches. You must have had an accident," said the farmer.
"Oh the crutches" said the young man.
"Well, a bull tossed me last week - but that wasn't an accident. he did it on purpose!"
"Oliver" said the teacher. "How far away is India."
"It's not far away," said Oliver.
"And why do you say that," asked the teacher.
"Well, said Oliver. "there's an Indian who works with my dad and he goes home every day for his dinner."