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Usual jokes about our fellow countrymen

 
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Cyril



Joined: 07 Jul 2009
Posts: 2771
Location: Wigan

PostPosted: Thu Jun 05, 2014 5:09 pm    Post subject: Usual jokes about our fellow countrymen Reply with quote

An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman are all stranded on an island. They've been there for years, when one day the englishman finds a lamp buried in the sand. He starts to polish it and out pops a genie.
Oh thank you master says the genie, I will grant you all one wish! The Englishman says...Oh how I'd love to be at Lords sipping a Gin and Tonic, watching the cricket.
Big flash, cloud of smoke and he's gone! The scotsman says...see you jimmy,I wish I was at Hampden Park with a few mates watching the football. Big flash , cloud of smoke and he's gone! The Irishman says "Bejesus its gonna be awful lonely here without them, can you bring them back"????

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman went to a party. The Englishman took six bottles of beer.
The Irishman took six crates of Guinness.
The Scotsman took six friends.

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman were all stranded in a desert and somehow manage to find a deer. They all wanted their fair share so the Englishman said "We'll sort it out by who you support". The Englishman said "I support Liverpool so I'll have the Liver". Then the Scotsman said "I support hearts so I'll have the heart".
The Irishman said "I support arsenal but I'm not that hungry!"

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were caught by partisans of a downtrodden Arab sheik, who decided that they must be shot. The three remembered that the partisans were scared to death of natural disasters, and that it might be possible to escape. The Englishman was taken out to be shot, and suddenly looked to the left and yelled, "Flood!" There was instant chaos and the Englishman escaped. When order hand been restored, the Scotsman was taken out to be shot. He suddenly looked to the right and yelled, "Sandstorm!" Again there was chaos, and the Scotsman escaped. Then the Irishman was taken out. He looked straight ahead at the troops and yelled, "Fire!". And they did...

There is an Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman driving through the desert. They are driving along at quite a rate when the fan belt snaps. "Fanbelt's gone lads, we'll have to abandon the jeep." says the Scotsman turns to the others and goes, "Right on guys take one thing that will be of use." The englishman opens up the bonnet and rips out the radiator. The scotsman turns around and says, "What you gonna do with that?" "It's still got a bit of water in it, I can use it as a canteen." Says the Englishman "Good thinkin," says the Scotsman removing the hood. "What use is that?" says the Englishman. "You know I burn easily, It'll keep the sun off." "Good point." The two turn round to ask the Irishman what he's taking. They are both shocked to find the Irishman breaking his back trying to tear the passenger's door off. "Paddy? What the hell you gonna do with that?" they ask. "Well, when I get too hot I can wind the window down."

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman and a Welshman were travelling in an aircraft that went out of control and was about to crash. To their dismay, they discovered that there were only three parachutes in the plane. The Scotsman argued that he ought to have one since he was a very important businessman whose death would result in the collapse of the stockmarket. The Welshman handed him over the first parachute and he baled out. Next the Irishman argued that he should be given a parachute. He was an important politician upon whom all hope of peace in Ireland rested. The Irishman silently put the straps over his shoulders and he jumped out after the Scotsman. The Welshman now turned to the Englishman and handed him a parachute. 'Here you are' he said cheerfully. 'But what about you?' gasped the Englishman, amazed at this unflinching heroism. 'Oh, I'll be all right' said the Welshman. The Irishman took my haversack'.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman went on a mountain-climbing expedition together. Everything was going fine until one day, while they were walking along a narrow ledge, an avalanche ripped away the ledge on each side of them. As they stood there wondering what to do, with the freezing night closing in, there was a strange shimmering in the air and a good fairy appeared, floating in front of them. She raised her wand and declared that, as they had all been good and the expedition was sponsored for charity and so forth, she was to rescue them from their terrible plight. Each of them could wish to be transformed into any bird of their choice in order to get safely off the mountain, and would return to their normal form once they reached home. She turned first to the Englishman and asked what he wanted to be. "A swan," he replied, and a beautiful white swan replaced him. Stepping off the ledge, it spread its wings and flew off for England. The fairyturned to the Scotsman, who immediately and proudly chose a golden eagle,which he became. With a magnificent swoop, he launched from the ledge and soared away, glorying in the freedom of flight as he returned home. The Irishman watched the two birds disappearing into the distance from the ledge as the fairy turned to him. "And what bird do you choose?" she asked. He thought, and mused, then said: "A penguin."

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are all in the jungle being persued by a tribe of savages. The savages are closing so they 3 friends decide to hide up trees. The savages reach the trees, and think they look suspicious. They shake the first tree, which contains the Englishman. "Caw, Caw," is heard from among the leaves. "Is parrot," the savages decide, and they move to the next tree, which contains the Scotsman, and shake it. An "eek, eek," is heard. "Is monkey," decide the savages. They shake the third tree, which contains the Irishman. All that is heard is a single "Mooooo"....

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked outside and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I punch you in the nose and note how long it takes you to recover, then you punch me in the nose and note how long it takes for me to recover, whomever recovers quicker wins the egg."
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman held the heaviest object he could find, took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and punched him as hard as he could in the nose. The Englishman fell to the ground and was howling in agony and holding his nose for thirty minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to punch you." The Scotsman said, "Keep the lousy egg."

Three guys, one Irish, one English and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie. The Irish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "FOOM" the oceans were teaming with fish. The English guy was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity. Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "POOF" there was a huge wall around England. The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out." The Scot says, "Fill it up with water."
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