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Old ones, but still good for a laugh.

 
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Cyril



Joined: 07 Jul 2009
Posts: 2774
Location: Wigan

PostPosted: Wed Apr 16, 2014 3:51 pm    Post subject: Old ones, but still good for a laugh. Reply with quote

“ I went to the grocer’s today and picked up an iceberg lettuce. I said to the shop assistant, 'Why is it that these just seem to be getting smaller and smaller?' 'Global warming,' she replied. ”

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“ A young, inexperienced bank robber gets caught during his first stick-’em-up and ends up in court. Crucial evidence—including CCTV recordings from the bank lobby—has gone missing. After weeks of deliberation, cross-examinings, conflicting witness statements, a hung jury and a huge deal of frustration, the young man is found not guilty. As the foreman states the verdict, the rather lucky defendant pipes up, 'Does that mean I can keep the money?' ”

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“ Tom’s wife was delighted when he told her he’d finally secured a job in the local bowling alley. 'Ten pin?' she asked. 'No', replied Tom, 'I think it’s permanent.' ”

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“ The president of Coca-Cola puts in a call to Russian president Vladimir Putin. 'Mr Putin, I notice you’ve changed the Russian anthem. Do you have any plans to change the flag as well and return to the previous purely red flag? If you’d put a Coca-Cola trademark in the corner, we’d solve all your financial woes for the next five years.' Putin puts the call on hold and asks his underlings, 'Hey, when does our contract with Aquafresh end?' ”

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An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Irishman were in a pub talking about their children.

'My son was born on St George's Day, 'remarked the Englishman, 'So we obviously decided to call him George.'

'That's a real coincidence, 'observed the Frenchman, 'My daughter was born on Valentine's Day, so we decided to call her Valentine.'

'That's really incredible, 'drawled the Irishman, 'Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake.'

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A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands, and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate, "How did you loose your leg?" The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!" His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about you hand. Did you lose it at the same time?" "No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys." Finally, the land-lubber asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you lose your eye?" The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye." The land-lubber asked: "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?" The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook."

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Shaun and Mick went out in the woods looking for Christmas trees. They looked all day without any luck. Near nightfall Shaun finally said, "Mick, I'm takin the next tree we come to, whether it has lights on it or not!"
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Lizzie49



Joined: 11 Mar 2013
Posts: 1143
Location: Adelaide, South Australia

PostPosted: Wed Apr 16, 2014 9:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well done dear Cyril ...you always make me giggle with your good uns!!!!.....😄😄😄😄
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