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Brassed off

 
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Cyril



Joined: 07 Jul 2009
Posts: 2773
Location: Wigan

PostPosted: Fri May 02, 2014 5:07 pm    Post subject: Brassed off Reply with quote

How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the trumpet players.

How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trumpeter's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.

What did little Johnny's mother tell him when he said "I want to be a trumpet player when I grow up?"
"But Johnny, you can't do both."

Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A: A tattoo.

Q: What would a cornet player do if he won a million dollars?
A: Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.

Q: What's the best way to confuse a drummer?
A: Put a sheet of music in front of him.

Here's this guy who has been stranded on a deserted island, all alone for 10 years. One day he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes a gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?", "Ten years!" he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, Man, oh man! Is that good! Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a nice cold beer?" He replies, "Oh, God, it's been at least 10 years!" She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a dry ice pack from around an ice cold beer, hands it to him and watches as he take a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!" Then she starts unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?" ,the man replies, "Good God, woman!, don't tell me you've got a Trombone in there!".

What do a saxophone and a baseball have in common? People cheer when you hit them with a bat.

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A drummer.

A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. He decides on an accordion and asks to look at some in a music store. The owner gestures to a shelf and says "All our accordions are over there." After browsing the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner." The store owner looks at him and says "You're a drummer, aren't you?" The drummer, crestfallen, says "Yes, how did you know?" The owner says "That 'big red accordion' is the radiator."

Definitions of some musical styles

JAZZ -- Five men on the same stage all playing different tunes.

BLUES -- Played exclusively by people who woke up this morning.

WORLD MUSIC -- A dozen different types of percussion all going at once.

OPERA -- People singing when they should be talking.

RAP -- People talking when they should be singing.

CLASSICAL -- Discover the other 45 minutes they left out of the TV ad.

FOLK -- Endless songs about shipwrecks in the 19th century.

BIG BAND -- 20 men who take it in turns to stand up plus a drummer.

HEAVY METAL -- Codpiece and chaps

HOUSE MUSIC -- OK as long as it's not the house next door.

What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone? "Well... I didn't wake up this mornin'..."

How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.
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