The Clap Van Cometh.

In an attempt to come up with alternative power sources, the boffins at Laboratoires Dostaf have been working on the exiting new CLAP project.

Christmas Light Accumulated Power®

To put it in lay terms, this is like solar power, but not from the sun. Instead we get it from those festive light displays outside peoples' houses.

The prototype van has panels on the side made from those cheap calculators from the £1 shop. Inside the van there is a large battery in which we store the "acquired" electricity.

The driver discreetly tours the district at night storing up power as the van (similar to an ex bread van) casually parks in the street. The power is later transferred back at base, where it is used for lighting and boiling kettles etc.

We had a few teething troubles last month on the Golden Mile, Blackpool. Sorry if we inconvenienced anyone in the ensuing traffic jams.

The future's bright. And there's a van waiting to catch some of it.

You can buy a solar panel, for a couple of quid, that will keep a battery charged enough to run christmas lights.

But will it power an ex bread van?

Dostaf maybe its my mind but i thought you were refering to an owd ford tranist passion wagon with furry dice and a carpet in the back

Lwb or swb manitou?

Or should I mind me own.

The Clap Van Cometh.
A round of applause then for those boffins at LD, Dostaf.

You'll need a battery pack off a fork lift truck, then about a thousand of those 99p calculators to fasten on the side of your bread van.
Maybe a couple of wind turbines on the roof, too.
But, after all this charging of your battery pack, you'll then need to put it through an inverter.

In other words ... efficiency has gone out of the window before you've paid for your diesel to run the van!

pref lwb yah can get bit more in it

I didn't say it was perfect. Or even beyond the prototype stage. The van runs on chip oil at the moment. (A bit smelly, but also acts as camouflage when out "harvesting")

Think of all that power going free during the festives. Ripe for the plucking, one may say. And it's (probably) legal.

Not everyone quite goes to town in Wigan though, Dostaf.

Speaking of "harvesting", dostaf, I've spotted a nice little 'earner in Bold today, in the form of some nice 8 foot christmas trees growing in the Sankey Valley Park. Hmmmm., how much are real christmas trees nowadays?

Tonker!

Those trees are for the park and not just for Christmas - no uprooting 'em!

That clapping audience of yours looks very genteel jo anne. Would they be the sort of people to have large inflatables on the lawn at this time.

I don't know much about the price of trees tonker. But at eight foot, you may wish to speak to a chap with an interest in lwb trannies.

The LD boffins' project does remind me of a similar enterprise at Monsters Inc, Dostaf.

A film that brightens my day.

I don't mean to be rude jo anne, but that film was a work of fiction.

Yes - a product of a great imagination!

Industrial Estate?

There looks to be lots of bad energy habits there with The Fall, Tonker.

is it a rathbones van or a mothers pride and does it have a bit of tatty rope swingin from the roller shutter?

Hopefully when the clap van tours the area, it will not frighten children, nor will it be consigned to industrial estates.

Oh and just to set the record straight it isn't a mobile penicillin dispensary either.

Tatty rope phil?

As a kid, I thought they were dog leads. Though it never concerned me where the dog had gone.

being a proper working van i suppose it would have the standard issue jizz mags stuffed under the seat

Issues of New Scientist actually phil.

any jugs in em

Petri dishes and flasks this month.

Petri Dishes is a cracking little East European.

some of these folk do go over the top with these outside deccos,i mean what has a choo choo train got to do with christmas,we should have a tacky chav decco policeman on every beat

A light powered police van comes to mind. Mmmmm.

now your talking,24volt filth

Aye the rectifiers are here.

Ahem, thinking of petri dishes and back to scientific matters ...

Have the boffins found any bread mould in the van - on ancient bread crumbs from the van's past life, or, on crusts discarded (by straight-haired boffins) from LD's substantial brainfood snacks that enable the team to use their loaf - butties.

These spores may have powers worth investigating.

Dostaf maybe its my mind but i thought you were refering to an owd ford tranist passion wagon with furry dice and a carpet in the back

Such a thing would never enter the academic minds of the boffins at Laboratoires Dostaf, Danni.

But, that Dostaf, mind you...

hey Jo I copied manitou's post I didnt think it lol

Perhaps some of you young wombles would do well to remember that this is a serious subject.

With a litle research, I have discovered this womble was quite scientifically-minded, seriously. Wellington ... so don't be so quick to give my idea the boot, Dostaf!

I'm happy to go with the Orinoco flow jo anne.

The wombles' motto is Make Good Use of Bad Rubbish... so they would be good to bring onboard (the LD bread van!)

Enya know watt, Dostaf?!

The song has since become almost a 'theme song' for the sport of British Banger racing, where it is played at the start of many races at tracks across Great Britain, as the racers begin their 'rolling lap'.

It could be a theme tune for the LD bread van on their bread-rolling lap/rolling bap!

are you going to..... Dostaf?

To flog his electricity off the back (sides) of a lorry (ex-bread van), Danni?!

maybe Joanne, maybe Lets see what his plans are

Do you think I should have something tied to the grille of the van?

You know, similar to how bin lorries always used to have a poor discarded teddy-bear fixed to the front?

Technology on the move

Do you think I should have something tied to the grille of the van?

Definitely no wombles.

No - not if you want the van to be casually parked and go unnoticed, Dostaf.

That's not the real Dusty Bin is it danni?

its his brother dossie

Fur comment jo anne. Wouldn't do to attract too much attention.

Wheelie danni?

Crumbs, you agree with me, Dostaf. Although .. can you get a cuddly bread bin?

This will lead you safely through the distractions of Christmas lights and LD will be off to a flying start as it reins in the waste of light emissions.

I see where you are coming from jo anne but it's not that simple:

Now when you think of all the brain power travelling around on that van, what with all those calculators an an L D boffin aboard, you'd think it would be safe to use that as a mascot wouldn't you?

But some of the younger members of the team can have somewhat juvenile senses of humour.

Can you imagine what sort of ditties about "bits glowing bright, to guide a clap van tonight" we'd have to endure?

Especially when the battery fumes start getting to them again. Or I should say if the fumes should happen to leak for some reason.

Then it might be wisest to confine the use of the grille for *snacks, not a mascot, Dostaf.

You must be fuming at those boffins' bad behaviours, Dostaf... I would be. Being rude about Rudolph...

*Watch out they don't burn that toast and all their endeavours go up in smoke - that'd blow their cover.

I thought the CLAP van was something to do with STD'can you catch leccy off them too?

I think you could be onto something there vera. In the process of catching/spreading STD's (except in the case of toilet seats), given the right conditions such as nylon carpets or bedsheets, a certain amount of static leccy could be produced. So one could indeed receive a shock. That's besides the shock of the clinic results.

The scientific opinion would suggest wearing a device made of insulating material, such as rubber, is probably a safe bet.

jo anne, for the love of Edison, has it never been explained to you that the last thing you give to boffins is toast? Once they get thinking about falling toast ("butter-side up or down") it's pandemonium. Before you can say litmus paper there are graphs and probability equations all over the place.

Take my advice and keep them (if you have any that is) on a diet of Pot Noodle. It's a lot less hassle. But be sure never to ask the question which still baffles science to this day.

"Why does boiled water freeze quicker than water that hasn't been?"

Dostaf - who is this Eddie's son - a renowned scientist, or one of your brainy boffins?!

And Pot noodles, Dostaf.
I do not have any boffins, but, if I did, I would strictly advise them against eating such junk. Instead they should have only the best brain foods to enable them to optimally use their noodle, (if the chippy is open), with vegetarian super food alternatives, from Wigan market hall.

*Please, take care or I fear Laboratoires Dostaf will go to pot.*

Also, I'd like to think I would frequently give any boffins of mine a toast, in recognition and celebration of their latest scientific breakthroughs. I believe I would even treat them to werther's originals; the butter is on the inside, and outside, but would there be traces on the wrapper, ...? In whatever you present to a boffin - inquisitive investigations are infinitely incited.

(Yes - they will B-off-in a white coat and an instant to their lab).

"Why does boiled water freeze quicker than water that hasn't been?"

With scientific boffins being unavailable to me, I had to avail myself of a friend who is a linguist. I convinced them of the upmost importance of accomplishing a definitive answer in the interests of furthering the art v science heated debate.
The answer, after a hearty, arty analysis of the question, is as follows:

Boiled water frees quicker, indeed more rapidly, than water that hasn't been, it would steem.

Elementary, my dear ... watson tv in Wigan holmes tonight, I wonder?

From jo anne's veggie link;
"In a two-year study, beagles (aged 7 to 11 years) performed better on cognitive tests and were more likely to learn new tasks when they had regular exercise and play periods with other dogs, along with being fed an antioxidant-rich fruit and vegetable diet. The combined treatments were more effective than either treatment alone in delaying any age-dependent cognitive decline."


I would like to point out that here at Laboratoires Dostaf we do not test our products out on animals. And certainly not beagles.

Not only that, we have recently drilled a series of holes in the clap van roof to create a more comfortable working environment for the boffins.

the clap van - Long may it rain, Dostaf.

Oh bugger.

Yes - unfortunately holes in a roof is quite a dopey idea.

Back to the drawing /electricity board on that one!

One sacked boffin.

This on the van roof could be another problem at Christmas time, Dostaf.

(I wouldn't sack a boffin in the run up to Christmas - LD could well be snowed under.)

No, you're quite right jo anne. I wasn't about to sack him really.

We've got a solution for snow on the van roof. Electric heating elements, similar to those on a car's rear screen.

That should vanquish any flakes and vandrift, Dostaf - LD could be heads and shoulders above its competitors.

It would be better if LD had no matches; the boffins could play monoploy to while away the hours. Highly entertaining and not a bored game. Otherwise the time in the van could be proper-tedious.

Dostaf - your Beagle from Oliver has made me think of Charles Dickens and A Christmas Carol and a song about Christmas lights.

"the boffins could play monoploy to while away the hours."

We're talking about boffins jo anne.

Boffins' "Gameboy".

I was referring to the knowledge monopoly, Dostaf.

I thought LD would play this game, at least until the illuminating CLAP project is over, on the twelfth night. After which time, the LD boffins should certainly set the scientifc world alight - but not their van.

It is now on my conscience that it is always wrong to play knowledge monopoly ... it is never valid to create a *smoke screen, even at the research stage, when the quest for alternative power sources is so important.

*Research should always be above board (games) and in the open to allow for the Hawthorne Effect, which occurs while sharing hypotheses and outcomes (predicted & actual) with fellow boffins worldwide.

Shouldnt this be "The Crap man Cometh" ?

Not at all, Odins_child... this is an original project and that phrase has already been officially used online, and does not apply imo.

Sheesh love, its the internet, not REAL !

I realise that, Odins_child.

It's hard to confuse an experimental ex-breadvan with one of little beauties.

It also pays to advertise.

It's hard to confuse an experimental ex-breadvan with one of little beauties.

The difference is quite distinkt.

Look jo anne, the bad egg smell that occurred in Blackpool was due to a dodgy battery cell and the paramedics were only being cautious with the hospital trip.

Here's a crude way to measure the project's success.

dodgy battery cell

Glad none of the boffins pegged it, Dostaf.

It makes no sense for a scientist not to use their nose - it can provide vital information.

crapometer results.

I hope no suers make a stink about LD's premise, Dostaf.

not saying what i thought ya wer onabout... the shame of it

Don't be embarrassed sue.

Blame it on the batteries.

will keep me claptrap shut dostaf

I like that answer, Sue.

Claptrap developed from a figurative theatrical device to encourage applause.

Be careful sue, we've just had a bit of a bo**oc**ng from the health and safety brigade for not providing adequate ventilation.

Sub section III paragraph 6 of The Venting and Airing Act 1976 goes into greater detail about claptraps, catflaps and similar orifices.

I trust LD will add vents, where possible, Dostaf, before the van adventurers begin their rounds.

When 'Cometh the hour, cometh the van?

Following research into the safety aspects of the Blue Peter advent crown, together with the possibility that the boffins may make some, I have decided to have a fire door fitted.

Baubles! Whoever chose those doors should be fired.

I hope all risk of LD's CLAP van catching fire is extinguished.

LD's wheels must never be on fire, Dostaf.

We are very cautious where fire safety is concerned jo anne.

Following the OBBB*incident, the insurers keep a keen eye on us.

* On board bunsen burner (mobile laboratory)

I was re-assured to read your first company line, Dostaf.

However, reading on ...

I don't think the infernal OBBB incident will ever be forgotten - an insurer always remembers.

It is understandable they will keep a close eye on LD.

You, too, must oversee every fine detail and not just insure, but ensure the CLAP van does not go the same way - possibly investing in a sat. nav such as a Tom Tom.
(Or a Safe Nav. such as a Gabriel Gabriel.

Many thanks for the advice jo anne. The electric bunsen burner has got me thinking about solar-powered steam engines.

We don't really need sat nav in the Wigan area. We do however get some guidance from the good doctor.

NO, Dostaf!

I can not help but stick my beak in, and stick with my good friend, *Beaker, in advising you - long overdue - that Honeydew is not a good guide, although some are rather nice melons.

*He is all stirred up and his mind, and his hair, a blaze.

We don't use people like Beaker at LD jo anne. We consider ourselves to be more progressive than that.

I feel that I can trust you, so I shall give you a quick look at one of our happy family, by way of putting your mind at rest.

Assistant (2nd class)

Oi, Dostaf - what's all this people like that - that's my good friend you're talking about.

I would hazard a guess the beaker labelled abnormal on your assistant(2nd class)'s mugshot is of more a concern to LD.

Abnormal isn't always a bad thing jo anne. I knew I should have put a cover over that specimen.

Whoops - I've just put my glasses on - that's a brain in there.... Someone in LD is a no-brainer ....? Have you got a clue who?!

No need for safety goggles in the Assistants' mess jo anne.

Beware, Dostaf - I might be an undercover insurance survellience operative.

Don't say you is a UISO.

No, I'm not, but I might say it anyway, while U told me not to ...

A, U - I is A UISO.

You sound like the sort of person who just has to touch to see if it really is "wet paint".

If this is the case you'd do well to stay away from places like LD. We tend to have lots of little post-it notes on plugs and switches. (Safety first.)

You sound like the sort of person who just has to touch to see if it really is "wet paint".

Far from it - that's where I'd be from paintwork if I saw a wet paint sign.

I would certainly never venture near LD - Safety is not my first, but middle name (Jo S. Anne).

And I have already started a petition to block the Clap van's access to my street and have arranged for a temporary blockade.

I shall stealthily fit a tracking device to the clap van to afford my neighbours and myself an early warning system of its approach (one I don't altogether agree with). All our neighbours will frantically see to it that their lights are switched off until the Clap van has (hopefully) safely passed us by.

Now if only there was a simple device on the market which could detect the presence of the clap van. Even better if it automatically switched off Christmas lights and was affordable to the masses.

I'm off to sleep on it.

dostaf
there be a new fangled thing called a clapometer thats be designed especialy for the job in question.... this is located on clapgate lane might be a good idea to keep the ole clap van away from that area as we dont want it to be inpounded by the police for being claped out.... i believe clapometers have been located nationwide and as far down as clappen common and clappen junction.... the presure is on dear friend and the clap vans future is very uncertain at this point

Many thanks for the warning moodysue, I bet Sir Clive (Sinclair) never had to put up with this sort of hostility. To hear some people talking about petitions and blockades, you'd think this fellow was in town.

Not to worry though. The boffins have made good progress and the clap van is now much smaller and therefore harder to detect.

An affordable Dostaf Industries detector/isolator switch will soon be on the market for those who really feel the need to obstruct science.

It has come to my attention that a vigilante group have been formed in Clappem...They are called Trotters Independent Traders or TIT for short....


email delboy@clapvans.com

Fear not moodysue. Laboratoires Dostaf has acquired this old girl to detect any repeat performances from the Trotters.

Thank you for shedding light on the LD's amended project proposal. I can understand the drive to ensure the Clap van project does not c'llapse, Dostaf.

moodysue, that address you posted is a dud. But while I was checking it out I came across a couple of European clapvans.

jo anne, thank your lucky stars that here in the UK a clap van is a scientific marvel. Not some foreign gubbins or tat.

Edit..Where's the law gone to jo anne?

Found them.

They were assisting a protester.

BREAKING NEWS!!!! Clap Van driver arrested for making a pig of himself in Mc Donalds

Sorry, Dostaf - I realised, too late, that forewarned is forearmed...

But I believe the law is on the protesters' side - the one that got carried away had, unfortunately, been a spy at DL. He is now undergoing *PTS counselling.

*Post Traumatic Spying

IMPOSTER

Here's a de-classified photograph of two clap van drivers.

My husband just saw that photo and said, 'Dangerous job.'

Sorry jo anne the above was a reaction to moodysue's news report.

I do hope that yon spy doesn't come looking for compensation.


Or worse still. Blackkmail

Edit. It only becomes dangerous when you don't remember what all the little knobs do. A bit like being the MD of LD

Re Blackmail

I shall make no comment, but a picture paints a thousand word...

No worries jo anne. He ate the evidence.

Haha! But there was another helping of LD brainfood which our spy helped himself to - can you picture it?!

You may well feel negative - the black and white evidence of grey matter is a grave matter.

I do believe that the those men in white jackets will be picking you lot up soon.and it wont be a clap van they are driving

Legally there are probably no problems. I see it in a similar light as when camera crews etc. help themselves to the left-overs on TV cookery shows.

Morally one must assume that it would be a shame to waste it by putting it into the special bin.

Edit. Thanks for that moodysue. I may call on your services as a character witness if it all goes a bit too experimental.

Or a secure unit dostaf with padded walls

And plenty of volts moodysue?

Provided by the clap van of course...free shocks all round

You find ways of having hair-raising escapades comfortably without such things, Dostaf.

Anything for the weekend sir

Sorry for making such a song and dance about the Clap van, Dostaf.

When you've ironed out the wrinkles, or whatever your current choice of treatment, LD may become more powerful a player in the scientific world.

Just be careful what the MD of LD and the LD boffins twiddle with.

If the Clap van is a no-go, I know the LD team won't just sit there and twiddle their thumbs

It's not my wrinkles that worry me jo anne, or perhaps it's my worries that are giving me wrinkles?

I will not rest until we have ironed out any remaining spies.

They don't like it up them you know.

Putting the wind up them, you mean.

It is not adivisible to make such comments.. but the remainder of our spies elect to solder on, regardless.

Any spies will be found out during our forthcoming Health & Safety lectures.

Whilst extolling the virtues of using multiple post-it notes to prevent fatalities, we shall be observing the audience.

Instead of the usual biros we shall issue some fancy new LD pens.

The assistants (2nd class) will behave normally and try to eat them, but the boffins will pull them apart to study their mechanisms. (springs, screw threads etc) In the process they will lose bits. The assistants will also pick up any pieces of the boffins' pens which go astray and chew them as well.

Here's the clever bit:

Fooled by the "pen ruse" the spies will take care of their pens, in the hope that they are valuable prototypes.

Anyone leaving the lecture room with an unchewed or intact pen is therefore a spy.

Willy Wonka would be proud.

A spy smiley in invisible ink - you'll never catch 'em.

Wonka, Dostaf?
Wonky is more the ticket and a chocolate teapot factory springs to mind.

While your idea might be notably along the write lines, isn't it dependent on the spies being fooled ...?

Didn't you click that all ww threads are extensively, pensively monitored for every last jot of information, this one inkluded.

On their latest perusal, the spies roald their eyes at the clever bit and *clapped their hands when noting the details of the "pen ruse".

(*adept & astounding multi-tasking)

The spies have made their own observation: 'if we can't beat 'em, join 'em', so will eat 'em/unjoin their posh pens and hence leave the lecture room with their undercover intact.

[Though they are on the ball, pointing out the unreliability of the post-it could be a read-herring and all claptrap - unrusual some think-well it was made by 'his nibs' himself." ]

Whichever road - there is warring tonight over whether LD's MD is pedalling lies, or inadvertantly warning the spies?
****

LD's staff wouldn't know H&S if their working lives depended on it!

The assistants (2nd class) will try to eat them - Here's the crunch - a first class H&S department would stamp that sort of behaviour out - no need to chew it over as it'd be part and parcel of their work.

And post-it notes to prevent fatalities - not dead clever - LD could come unstuck and find no sympathy. NB As it happens, the procedure has departed from all wise H&S protocol and could cost LD dearly.

I shall again be forthwrite and say I hope the CLAP van project is stationery and suspended for good.
Madly, it is testing to try to blot it out of my mind.

May I append:
The boffins should be supplied with two pens each - more expense, yes, but while one is being dissected, the other biro in the hand is worth two in the box.

At this point, my thinking is runing out....