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Corny Joke thread
Started by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse
Post your jokes that make folk groan


He claims to be dyslexic,

but he does not even know how to spell the word.

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse
After finding 3 Mars bars, 2 Twix, some M & Ms and a Milky Way,

I’ve realised that I’m not cut out to be a Bounty hunter.

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse
I threw a biscuit at my mate Billy the other day, but he ducked.

Jammy Dodger.....

Posted by: i-spy (13409)  Report abuse
Guess who I saw today

Everybody I looked at .

Posted by: --oy-- (1004)  Report abuse
A young Buffalo was leaving home...

By Son!

Posted by: grimshaw (765)  Report abuse
im reading a terrific book about were people keep their cutlery .

its top drawer.

i have an irrational fear of speed bumps .
but im slowly getting over it .

i just saw an advert for a job inspecting mirrors .
i could really see myself doing that .

i worked in a paperless office once .
everyone avoided the toilets

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224) Report abuse
If I got 50p for every failed maths test, I'd have £9.36

Posted by: tomplum (4441)  Report abuse
I filled the bath with tonic water, when i pulled the plug it all got scheppped away,

Posted by: i-spy (13409)  Report abuse
What did the elephant say to a naked man?

Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?

Posted by: tomplum (4441)  Report abuse
I walked into currys yesterday, there was a 48 inch LCD telly for sale for £1, it was so cheap because the volume button was broke, I thought,
" you can't turn that down"

Posted by: macwil48 (301) Report abuse
Group of retired dancers set up domestic cleaning company employing only ex dancers.

They called themselves the Cha Cha Chars.

Posted by: raymyjamie (4900) Report abuse
Ive just come back from a "once in a lifetime" holiday.

Never again !!!!!!!!!

I think Tim Vine won an award for that joke.

Posted by: tomplum (4441)  Report abuse
a gang of Egyptians started work in the Vauxhall plant in ellesmere port on the afternoon shift,

they called them the 'two to ten car men' shift,

Posted by: raymyjamie (4900) Report abuse
Mester Tomp

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse
Heading down to the Autopsy Club later.

It’s open Mike night

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse
Donald Trump did make history..........

He won an argument against a woman.

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse
How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?

Their, they're, there.

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224) Report abuse
Nothing is more precious than the laughter of children.

Except the sweet silence of not having any

Posted by: winder (1293)  Report abuse
Skeleton walks into a bar and says, "give me a beer and a mop".

What happened to the Indian who drank a hundred gallons of tea?
He drowned in his teepee.

Posted by: grimshaw (765)  Report abuse
last night the local peeping tom knocked on my mother in laws door and asked her to shut her blinds .

asian fellow moved in nxt door .
he was telling me he had travelled the world .
swum with sharks .
wrestled with bears and climbed the highest mountains .

came as no surprise to learn his name was bindair dundat

Posted by: John59 (372)  Report abuse
a dog limps into a saloon bar in a wild west town ....
all goes quiet, all eyes turn on to the dog ...
... who hobbles up to the bartender and says ...

"I've come for the man who shot mi paw "

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse
My Czech mate is surprisingly bad at chess.

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224) Report abuse
The other day I told my girlfriend that it looked like she was drawing her eyebrows way too high. She looked surprised.

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224) Report abuse

I have been having terrible trouble getting to sleep lately, so last night I thought I would try lying right on the edge of my bed.
I soon dropped off

Posted by: ian c (438) Report abuse
I come from such a musical family,
even our sewing machine was a singer...


Marriage is like a deck of cards.

In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

By the end you wish you had a club and spade.

Posted by: tomplum (4441)  Report abuse
I was walking across a park, something was coming towards me in the air, I wondered what t was, it was getting bigger as it came closer,,then it hit me,

Posted by: bentlegs (4193) Report abuse
My mother in law looked in the mirror and the reflection ran away

Posted by: fingers (inactive) Report abuse
Saw my vertically challenged neighbour at the bus stop earlier. I said hope in, He told me to F*** **f.
I thought, 'what an ungrateful sod', zipped up my rucksack and carried on walking.

Posted by: xxstuartxx (5799) Report abuse
Blow Here

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224) Report abuse
So much has changed since my girlfriend got pregnant.
Like my name, address and telephone number

Posted by: grimshaw (765)  Report abuse
my bush is really overgrown round the front said the lady to the council complaints dept ,and my back passage has fungus growing in it

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224) Report abuse
2 Chinese men break into a Distillery one turns to the other and says
"Is this whisky?"
other replies
"Yes, but not as whisky as wobbing a bank"

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse
I was out drinking with my mates at a party, when I suddenly looked at my phone and noticed 18 missed calls from my wife.

Is she insecure or what?

That's an average of 6 calls a day.

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse
People are usually shocked when they find out I'm not a very good electrician

Posted by: grimshaw (765)  Report abuse
nxt doors 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence said a lady to the council complaints dept

Posted by: ian c (438) Report abuse
I went to Chester zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.

The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity.

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224) Report abuse
Whenever someone calls me ugly, I get super sad and hug them,
because I know life must be really tough for the visually impaired.

Posted by: grimshaw (765)  Report abuse
next door neighbour has a big tool said the lady to the complaints dept of the council,that vibrates the whole house and i just cant take it anymore

Posted by: ian c (438) Report abuse
A group of retired dancers set up a domestic cleaning company employing only ex dancers.

They called themselves the Cha Cha Chars.


Posted by: ian c (438) Report abuse
I was at a funeral and asked the priest for the WiFi password

"Have some respect for the dead!" he said

I replied "Is that all lower case?"



Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.


The highlight of my trip to the zoo was seeing an antelope.

I'd never seen an insect run off to get married before!



Posted by: macwil48 (301) Report abuse
ian c
J'ACCUSE! PLAGIARISM

Posted by: ian c (416) [100+] Report abuse

A group of retired dancers set up a domestic cleaning company employing only ex dancers.

They called themselves the Cha Cha Chars.


Replied: 25th Nov 2016 at 11:17

I posted this earlier
Posted by: macwil48 (290) [100+] Report abuse

Group of retired dancers set up domestic cleaning company employing only ex dancers.

They called themselves the Cha Cha Chars.

Replied: 20th Nov 2016 at 22:31

I have reported your post.

Plagiarism is the lowest of the low!

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse
A Mathematician is given a psychological test.

The first question asked "You see a burning house and a hose disconnected from a fire hydrant. What do you do?"

After much deliberation, the Mathematician decides he would attach the hose to the hydrant.

He is then asked "You see a non-burning house and a hose disconnected from a fire hydrant. What do you do?"

to which the Mathematician immediately responds

"I'll set the house of fire to reduce this to a problem I've already solved"

Posted by: ian c (438) Report abuse
macwil48

I do apologise for my indiscretion, I must have missed it as I read down the list. 'Twas 5 days ago 😰

Posted by: macwil48 (301) Report abuse
ian c

apology accepted.

I suppose I should be flattered that someone is repeating a joke I first told 3 years ago, in a longer form, in a pub in Dulverton, Somerset. About half a dozen people heard it, although the groans suggested a lot more. I doubt I've told that many the shortened version since then.

Posted by: grimshaw (765)  Report abuse
its the farmer over the road said the lady to the council complaints dept ,

every morning at 6 his cock wakes me up and its getting too much for me

Posted by: lectriclegs (2835) Report abuse
Posted by: macwil48 (292) [100+] Report abuse

ian c
J'ACCUSE! PLAGIARISM

Posted by: ian c (416) [100+] Report abuse

A group of retired dancers set up a domestic cleaning company employing only ex dancers.

They called themselves the Cha Cha Chars.


Replied: 25th Nov 2016 at 11:17

I posted this earlier
Posted by: macwil48 (290) [100+] Report abuse

Group of retired dancers set up domestic cleaning company employing only ex dancers.

They called themselves the Cha Cha Chars.

Replied: 20th Nov 2016 at 22:31

I have reported your post.

Plagiarism is the lowest of the low!

Replied: 25th Nov 2016 at 12:02
Last edited by macwil48: 25th Nov 2016 at 12:04:28



Now that's a good one.

Proper made I laugh, did that.

Posted by: fingers (inactive) Report abuse

A group of retired dancers set up a domestic cleaning company employing only ex dancers.

They called themselves the Cha Cha Chars.

Posted by: fingers (inactive) Report abuse
Paddy told the wife he was getting a burning sensation in his anus and didnt know what it was.
she said 'ring sting?'
Paddy said' what the heck will he know?'

Posted by: lectriclegs (2835) Report abuse
Hahaha, never heard that one before, Fingers.

Did you write it yourself?

Posted by: fingers (inactive) Report abuse
I made it up a few weeks ago, someone stole it though. :D

Posted by: fingers (inactive) Report abuse
On a forum I frequent, someone has added the sub-category "Pretentious buffoons".

I am puzzled to see this, and thus have embarked on a ruminative epoch to ascertain if this reflects some kind of metaphysical allegory of the existential hyponym.

Posted by: lectriclegs (2835) Report abuse
Bloody plagiarists, Eh.

Posted by: fingers (inactive) Report abuse
Should be shot!

Posted by: lectriclegs (2835) Report abuse
Anyway back to the jokes.

A group of retired dancers set up a domestic cleaning company employing only ex dancers.

They called themselves the Cha Cha Chars.

Posted by: fingers (inactive) Report abuse
HAHAHAHA, That one of yours?

Posted by: lectriclegs (2835) Report abuse
Oh aye, I first told it 3 years ago, in a longer form, in a pub in Dulverton, Somerset.

Posted by: fingers (inactive) Report abuse
I wrote it down so I can remember it. As the great Sancho Panza once said, 'It's a cracker.'

Posted by: lectriclegs (2835) Report abuse
I thang you

Posted by: fingers (inactive) Report abuse

Posted by: grimshaw (765)  Report abuse
the local flasher told me he had thought of retiring but decided to stick it out for another year

Posted by: fingers (inactive) Report abuse
There is a joke about ex dancers, but it eludes me for now.

Posted by: fingers (inactive) Report abuse

Posted by: grimshaw (765)  Report abuse
the single woman in her downstairs flat complained to the council,,
would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night

Posted by: lectriclegs (2835) Report abuse
Two crows sat on a perch,

one says "can you smell fish?"

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse
I bought my wife a fridge for her birthday.

I know it's not the greatest gift;-- but you should have seen her face light up, when she opened it.

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse
I've just bought a jehovah's winess advent calender

but every time I open a door on it someone tells me to "Bog off!!"

Posted by: r.fisher (540)  Report abuse
A man said when I was seven Iused to walk the plank,we couldn;t afford a dog.

she said why do you always walk in front, he said I dont follow you
the winning internet joke was glacoma.com
A site for sore eyes.
The winning prize for the most unusual pet.was won by an Irishman,with tin of salmon,

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse
"Daddy," a little girl asked her father

"do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'?"

"No, sweetheart" he answered "Some begin with

'If I am elected'

Posted by: Joseph77 (inactive) Report abuse
Walked up to my mate in the pub who was pouring his drink down himself, I said "what's this"? He said "it's me cardy and coke".

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse
2016 --- A Greek, a Spaniard and a Portuguese all walk into a bar. Who pays?

UK.
--------------------------

2020 --- A Greek, a Spaniard and a Portuguese all walk into a bar. Who pays?

Germany

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224) Report abuse
Ladyboys just aren't what they used to be.

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse

Posted by: grimshaw (765)  Report abuse
my wife is a sex object.

everytime i ask for sex she objects .

your birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory .

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse
If you've never worn a blindfold when playing darts before then you should try it,

You don't know what you're missing!

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse
Last night after a few beers my mate asked if he could stay on my sofa

I had to explain to him that I'm married now so that's where I sleep

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse
If your parachute doesn't deploy...

You have the rest of your life to fix it.

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse
Me: want to go see the castle?

Mate: no

Me: well it was just a fort

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224) Report abuse
A group of Chess Enthusiasts check into a hotel. They were standing in the lobby discussing recent tournament victories when the manager came and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" They asked."Because I can't stand Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."


The frustrated cannibal threw up his arms

Posted by: grimshaw (765)  Report abuse
scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that its now possible to take a photo of a woman with her mouth closed

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224) Report abuse
i,m not having that grimshaw

Posted by: bentlegs (4193) Report abuse
Lad at Uni sent letter to dad,
Dear Dad , No mon , no fun, your son,
Dad replied, Dear son, So sad, too Bad , Your Dad,

Posted by: bentlegs (4193) Report abuse
Lad at Uni sent letter to dad,
Dear Dad , No mon , no fun, your son,
Dad replied, Dear son, So sad, too Bad , Your Dad,

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224) Report abuse
did he have a stammer?

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse

Posted by: fingers (inactive) Report abuse
I was stood at a urinal, next to me was a dwarf also having a pee, I noticed he was winking at me so i looked away, I turned and looked again and he was still winking at me like crazy. Disturbed by this i said to him "do u fancy me or something?" he replied "no you're splashing my face"

Posted by: fingers (inactive) Report abuse
I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

Posted by: grimshaw (765)  Report abuse
i know its most difficult to believe that s b t.

never imagined that they could invent such a camera

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224) Report abuse
I woke up this morning, turned to my wife and said "I had an erotic dream last night and you were in it."

She giggled and said "Was I a naughty girl then?"

"No, you caught me with your sister."

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224) Report abuse
Told the wife I was gonna build a car out of spaghetti,she said don't be stupid and grow up.
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224) Report abuse
Got a job in a reggae band as a triangle player.. I just stand at the back and ting

Posted by: fingers (inactive) Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse

Posted by: bentlegs (4193) Report abuse
Asked the woman next door how long would a chicken last in the fridge, she said a week, we put one in last night & it was dead this morning,

Posted by: bentlegs (4193) Report abuse
Asked the woman next door how long would a chicken last in the fridge, she said a week, we put one in last night & it was dead this morning,

Posted by: fingers (inactive) Report abuse
A group of retired dancers set up a domestic cleaning company employing only ex dancers.

They called themselves the Cha Cha Chars.

Bindun?

Posted by: lectriclegs (2835) Report abuse
Not sure Fingers, I'm sure I heard it told in a pub in Dulverton, Somerset once.

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224) Report abuse
An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swam with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest moutain,Ive called him Bindair Dundat.

Posted by: fingers (inactive) Report abuse
Ah, I may have beeen in tbhat pub then, bt I thought someone from Wigan penned it and demanded royalties?

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse

How many dance instructors does it take to change a light bulb?

Five...Six...Seven...Eight...

Posted by: bentlegs (4193) Report abuse
Three pregnant nuns walking down the street, A chap asked ,how come you Nuns are pregnant , Their reply,

BENIDiCTuS

Posted by: grimshaw (765)  Report abuse
just been out this morning and bought my wife a pug dog for christmas .

fat ugly looking thing ,bulgy eyes ,wrinkly hanging skin .

dog seems to like her though

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse
I keep falling off my bike and injuring myself.

It's a really vicious cycle....

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse
Alcohol is a perfect solvent.

It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

Posted by: brynkiwi (667) Report abuse
Scotish man and his nagging wife wemnt to Israel for a holiday, his wife suddenly died. The undertaker came and told him to get her home it would cost 5000 pound but to save money to bury her in the Holy Land would only cost. 50 pound. Look here said the scot said, the only person i know of buried in the holy land rose from the dead after3 days so get this straight, shes f!!!!!'g going home

Posted by: bentlegs (4193) Report abuse
Man went to the chemist , He said i want a condom to fit my whole body,Why said the chemist, man said, Im acting prick in a carnival,


get mi jacket,

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224) Report abuse
They don't have the flintstones in Dubai...


but Abu Dhabi do...

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse

Posted by: section 8 (2873)  Report abuse
A bloke with 3 heads, no arms and one leg was getting on a bus.

The conductor said to him "Hello, Hello, Hello. You look harmless. Hop on.

I was genuinely told this joke today by Woody Woodbine.

Posted by: grimshaw (765)  Report abuse
how does a welshman find a sheep in long grass .?.

very satisfying .


met my girlfriend in a photographers dark room ,
things just developed from there

Posted by: priscus (6030) Report abuse
Cut Fuel Bills in Half

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224) Report abuse
I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat sod with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse
So what if I don't know what apocalypse means.....

It's not like it's the end of the world!

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224) Report abuse
The other night my wife said, “staff.. I’m seeing another man.”
I said, “Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.”

Posted by: Joseph77 (inactive) Report abuse
I went to the record shop and I said "What have you got by The Doors?" He said: "A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse


I saw a beaver movie last night

It was the best dam movie I've ever seen.....

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig?


The letter F

Posted by: grimshaw (765)  Report abuse
just come back from a conference on mono sound re-production .

there was only one speaker

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224) Report abuse
have u been in the xmas crackers already cordy?

Posted by: stevejmac14 (441)  Report abuse
What's the difference between light & hard? ....

I can usually get to sleep with a light on.

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224) Report abuse


Posted by: ian c (438) Report abuse
Just realised this was already on

Posted by: ian c (438) Report abuse
Dear Santa..

Last year you got me a sweater for Christmas.

This year I would prefer a moaner or a screamer. 😱

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse
We thought our small boy was involved with the occult when he started writing letters to Satan.

Turns out he is just dyslexic.

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse
I keep dreaming that I'm dividing 10 by 3.

It's a recurring dream.

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse
Here I am with my bottle of Tequila, waiting for life to hand me a lemon.

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse
Feeling cold today?

Go and stand in a corner for a bit.

They are usually around 90 degrees.

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse
The statement below is true.


The statement above is false.

Posted by: grimshaw (765)  Report abuse
paddy thought johnny cash was change from a condom machine.

he also thought moby dick was a venereal disease.

a polish immigrant goes to specsavers for an eye test .
the optician shows him a board with the letters .CZWIXNOSTACZ.

can you read that asks the optician ,,

read it ,says the pole,i know the fecking man..

Posted by: bentlegs (4193) Report abuse
A chap decides to top himself, so he went to the railway line, A steam loco came along, He was chuffed to bits,

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse
Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention.

Laughed more than I thought.

Posted by: copperhead (1414)  Report abuse
Irish lad rings his local paper.

"How much is it to put an advert in you paper"? he ask.

"50p an inch" replies the girl.

"Oh god I can't afford that" says the guy.

"Why what are you advertising"?

"A Thirty foot ladder says the lad."

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse

Posted by: MarieM (4773) Report abuse
I read this somewhere.
Two hippoptomus were having a drink at a river in Africa and one hippo said to the other, 'I keep thinking it's Thursday'
boo.

Posted by: momac (8322)  Report abuse
Man goes to Doctors..what can I do says Doctor..man replies..every time I
lift my arm up it pains..Doctor says..don't do it then.

Posted by: kenee (1956) Report abuse
MarieM you reminded me of this one:

Two lions walking down Blackpool prom on Bank Holiday Monday,
one says to the other,
"It's quiet for a bank holiday isn't it".

Posted by: MarieM (4773) Report abuse
thank you kenee

Posted by: bentlegs (4193) Report abuse
Two Students walking down the canal towpath when they heard a voice shouting , Frugal me, please Frugal me so they frugled him & they lived happely ever after,

Posted by: Dave xl5 (291)  Report abuse
Bloke goes into a library and says “a bag of chips and a fish please” the librarian replies “this is a library!”. The bloke replies (in a whisper) “sorry, a bag of chips and a fish please”

Posted by: kenee (1956) Report abuse
Sorry Dave...

Then the librarian says,
"Can't you see, We don't sell chips!"
"OK" the bloke replied "I'll just have a fish then."
"Certainly..." said the librarian "Salt & vinegar?"

Posted by: grimshaw (765)  Report abuse
A truck carrying boxes of wigs overturned on the M 6 today .

Police are combing the area.

Someone has cut a hole in the fence around the nudist colony .
Police are looking into it

Posted by: arrow (790) Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse

Posted by: bentlegs (4193) Report abuse
Chap in Hospital, Shouts several times for the nurse to bring a bed pan, too late he couldn,t hold it but how to get rid of before the nurse finds it, He decided to roll it into little balls & through it about the ward, anyway he got rid, Next day his wife brings him a big bag of sweets, When she had gone he shouts across the ward " anybody like a sweet" the othes shouted back , If they are owt like the Malteesers tha was chucking about last night then tha con shove um up thi arse,

Posted by: bentlegs (4193) Report abuse
There was a young man from Bengall
Who used to play tricks in the hall
His famous old trick was to stand on his d++k
and roll round the hall on one ball,

Posted by: bentlegs (4193) Report abuse
There was a young man from Bengall
Who used to play tricks in the hall
His famous old trick was to stand on his d++k
and roll round the hall on one ball,

Posted by: paul (2997)  Report abuse
The rain was pouring down. Standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub, was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.

A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"

"Fishing", replied the old man.

Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me."

In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman cannot resist asking, "So how many have you caught today?"

"You're the eighth." says the old man.....

Posted by: bassman (3536) Report abuse
I was in a band and had a hit with Why can't you see I love you when it's sticking out a mile....

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse
I didn't realize how cold it was outside today...

...until I saw socialists with their hands in their own pockets.....

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse
Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump.

But its a silly comparison really, its like comparing apples to oranges.

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse
That strange moment when you walk through a big spider web

and instantly turn into a karate master.

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse
My friend can only sleep on stacks of old magazines.

She's got back issues

Posted by: paul (2997)  Report abuse
What do you call someone who is happy on Monday mornings?....Retired!

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse
Sadly the man who invented predictive text died yesterday.

His funfair is next monkey!

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse
My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed


"It's always worth investing in a decent set of speakers" he said

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse
The wife took the car in for a service today and handed me the bill when she returned, twelve hundred pound.

"What the ******* ****!!" I yelled "It should've only been about ninety"

"Even less, this time, I'd have thought" She said

"I drained the oil for them before I took it down"

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse
Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose. They managed to bag 6.


As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly.


"Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off.


However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power the little plane couldn't possibly handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived
the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick,


"Any idea where we are?"

Mick replied


"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year"

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse
After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.


'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked..

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'YUP, it is' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,

'You ASSHOLE! It's 3:15 in the MORNING!'

Posted by: r.fisher (540)  Report abuse
my wife said why do you always walk in front of me,I said I don't follow you.


Roy

Posted by: r.fisher (540)  Report abuse
A man cut all his fingers off in an accident,his wife took him to the hospital,the surgeon said we now do microsurgery why didn't you bring your fingers i would have sown them back on,he replied I couldn't pick them up.

Roy.

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse
Its hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs


because they always take things literally

Posted by: grimshaw (765)  Report abuse
What does it say on the top of an irish ladder ?.

STOP .

What does it say on the bottom of an irish beer bottle ?..

OPEN OTHER END .

Posted by: baker boy (13744) Report abuse
did you hear about the guy who had been picking his nose for seven years,,,,,,, his head caved in.

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back....


Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? It was a grave mistake....

Posted by: bentlegs (4193) Report abuse
Paddy started work for a contractor, when he got his first wage packet there was a piece of shit in it, Paddy asked why the shit, contractor , i said i would pay you Time & a Turd for overtime

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse
The Goal: Reduce UK binge drinking by 75%

The Plan: Scottish independence.

Posted by: bentlegs (4193) Report abuse
My wife is in a bad mood, someone stole a pair of her knickers of the washing line, she said she is not bothered about the knickers but she would like the 12 pegs back.

Posted by: bentlegs (4193) Report abuse
If you cant fix the problem with an hammer , then it,s an electrical problem,

Posted by: bentlegs (4193) Report abuse
If you have a bad cough, take a load of laxatives then you wont dare cough,

Posted by: bentlegs (4193) Report abuse
Just found out that my wife has a twin, Just seen her on a Dating web site,

Posted by: bentlegs (4193) Report abuse
Just found out that my wife has a twin, Just seen her on a Dating web site,

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse
What's E.T. short for ?

He's only got little legs

Posted by: r.fisher (540)  Report abuse
The hearst going up a big hill,the rear door flew open,the coffin slid down the hill,crossed the road,mounted the pavement, crashed thru the chemist door,hit the counter,the lid shot open,the man sat up and said.
have you anything to stop this coffin

Posted by: r.fisher (540)  Report abuse
It,s not the cough that carries you off it,s the coffin they carry you off in.

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse
The man who owned Odeon cinemas has died.

His funeral is on Monday @ 2:10, 4:20 & 8:40

Posted by: peter g (1637)  Report abuse
How do you make a cat sound like a dog? Pour petrol on it, throw a match on it and watch it go woof.

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar...


...You can't tell me that's just a coincidence...

Posted by: r.fisher (540)  Report abuse
When I was seven I walked the plank,we couldn't afford a dog.

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse
As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way.

I think --- maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me after all.

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse
Last time I was someone's type...

I was donating blood.

Posted by: priscus (6030) Report abuse
I do panic somewhat if I have run out of bread.

But I am cool, and settle for breakfasting on porridge instead.

I am 'lack toast and tolerant.'

Posted by: cordyline (4156)   Report abuse
My mate was having a tattoo of an indian on his back


halfway through he said to the tattooist "don't forget his tomahawk"

The tattooist said "give me a chance mate I ain't finished his turban yet"

 
 
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