wiganworld home page
Home Photos of Wigan Stuff News What's on Classifieds Forum Communicate Guestbook Links
 Search    In association with  The Wigan Courier
 Messageboards
  General
  Places
  People
  wiganworld
  Sports
  Hobbies / Books
  History of Wigan
  Handbags
 
 
Interact
  Wigan ex-pats
  Wigan genealogy
 
 
Cordy's Joke thread
Started by: cordyline (5270)   Report abuse
Very rare photo of the 1940 Tour de France:

Posted by: cordyline (5270)   Report abuse
I was telling the wife that an old bloke had just driven by on a tractor, shouting 'The end of the world is upon us!'.

She said 'that sounds like farmer Geddon'.

Posted by: dr wat (inactive) Report abuse
could be the start of a breakaway if the peleton dont look sharp

Posted by: cordyline (5270)   Report abuse
whats the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

Iron Man is a 'Superhero'.......

Iron Woman is a simple instruction...

Posted by: aiflanc (1463) Report abuse
"It'll be better when they invent them plastic helmets"

Posted by: aiflanc (1463) Report abuse
"Get the hand off my rifle"

Posted by: cordyline (5270)   Report abuse
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquour store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"

"No," said the little boy... "It's a puppy!"

Posted by: cordyline (5270)   Report abuse
Do NOT donate money to the Egypt Crisis fund.

Rumour has it that this could be another Pyramid Scheme.

Posted by: kenny (inactive) Report abuse
Egyptian government have come up with a plan to stop the riots in Cairo

Get in a car,honk your horn & simply chill-out
They are calling it the "toot-n-kalm-doon"

Be so kind as to pass ones coat pleeeease

Posted by: cordyline (5270)   Report abuse
Look here

Posted by: the_gwim_weaper (inactive) Report abuse
I had a bad reaction to Viagra, 8 hours now & I still have an erection.

Hope the doctor can sort it.

Touch wood.

Posted by: fred mason (2821)   Report abuse
My neighbour was reading fairy tales to her little grandson. He said,'Nana, do all fairy tales begin with.."Once upon a time"?'.

She thought for a minute and answered, 'No,Tom, I know lots of fairy tales that begin with.."If elected, I promise"..,

Posted by: cordyline (5270)   Report abuse
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness

No one answered
"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post

He saddled up and started to ride out of town

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home"

Posted by: cordyline (5270)   Report abuse
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it"

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me"

The Rabbi, surprised by this asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what - Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know"

A week later the Rabbi calls the man "Well, I spoke to your wife, I spoke to her on the phone for three hours;
You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied

"Take the poison"

Posted by: cordyline (5270)   Report abuse
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat"

The man groaned but didn't budge

The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager"

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success

Finally, they summoned the police

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam" the man moaned

"Where ya from Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied

"The balcony"

Posted by: Mac (inactive) Report abuse
Ye Gods, Cordy. That joke is as old as the 1940 tour de france winner.

Posted by: dostaf (inactive) Report abuse
Do the one about the never-ending bag of crisps.

Posted by: Mac (inactive) Report abuse
A Policeman pulled me over...
'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'. I said: 'What for, Officer?' He says: 'My chips are too hot'
Read it in a West Country accent.

Posted by: dostaf (inactive) Report abuse
Tommy

Posted by: Mac (inactive) Report abuse

Posted by: dostaf (inactive) Report abuse
And the crisp bag?

Involved a balcony at the pictures

Posted by: cordyline (5270)   Report abuse
So they've made the new Thatcher film a 12a

Apparently its not suitable for Miners!!

Posted by: Mac (inactive) Report abuse

Posted by: dostaf (inactive) Report abuse

Posted by: Mac (inactive) Report abuse
No joy with the crisp bag, unless it's entwined with the old chestnut that is the patron who fell?

Posted by: dostaf (inactive) Report abuse
There was a leper sat above him on the balcony.

Posted by: Mac (inactive) Report abuse
Cor lummey!....billy Shakespeare told that one in Much ado about sod all!

Posted by: dostaf (inactive) Report abuse
Aye, "Lend me your ears" at the Globe.

Posted by: cordyline (5270)   Report abuse
two irish men go for a job
the foreman first brings in murphy for a quick iq test

the foreman asks:
what would happen if i covered your right eye?

murphy:
i would be half blind,

what would happen if i covered both eyes?

i would be totally blind,

ok said the foreman you have the job,

so on the way out he whispers to pat "half blind..totally blind"

so the foreman brings in pat:
what would happen if i cut off your left ear?

pat:
i would be half blind,

foreman:
then what would happen if i cut off both ears?

pat:
i would be totally blind

how do you make that out asked the foreman

pat,
well my hat would fall over my eyes !!

Posted by: Mac (inactive) Report abuse
My granddad had a heart attack whilst walking in Sherwood Forest today.

Apparently he's stable, but not out of the woods yet.

Posted by: Mac (inactive) Report abuse
I managed to get a job as a puppeteer today, but I had to pull some strings.

Posted by: ecmdj (8186)   Report abuse
great laughs lads

Posted by: cordyline (5270)   Report abuse
So Anthony Worrall Thompson has been arrested for stealing cheese


Next time he should do it more Caerphilly

Posted by: jo anne (32446)   Report abuse
Which cheese is made backwards?

Posted by: dostaf (inactive) Report abuse


Yon C&P merchant will be kicking himself.

Just landed on handbags.

Posted by: dostaf (inactive) Report abuse
Jo Anne, that's too easy.

Expect a very, very naughty one.

Posted by: jo anne (32446)   Report abuse
My answer's Edam, Dostaf.

(Tweeted recently by the QI Elves. When it became one of their most retweeted tweets, they said they thought it might be time to give up.)

Posted by: dostaf (inactive) Report abuse
I know it's Edam.

No wonder...etc..

Posted by: jo anne (32446)   Report abuse
You could have humoured me, Dostaf.

Posted by: dostaf (inactive) Report abuse
Only if you ask about the very, VERY naughty one about the Architect, Jo Anne.

Posted by: cordyline (5270)   Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (5270)   Report abuse
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day

When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times

When I got fired, you were there to support me
When my business failed, you were there

When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently

"I think you bring me bad luck"

Posted by: jo anne (32446)   Report abuse


Another QI question:

Which cheese would you use to disguise a horse?

Posted by: veg grower (inactive) Report abuse
I know this

Posted by: dostaf (inactive) Report abuse
Strugling.

Posted by: jo anne (32446)   Report abuse
Veg Grower - whey to go!

Dostaf - I've never seen Strugling at the delicatessen counter?

Which cheese would you use to disguise a horse? Mascarpone

Posted by: dostaf (inactive) Report abuse


Struggling should have two g's, too.

GG = Oss = Boulangerie.

Posted by: dostaf (inactive) Report abuse
Dohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

I meant Boucherie.

Posted by: jo anne (32446)   Report abuse
Dough indeed!

It'd have to be a little Oss to be in the Boulangerie ... a foal in a loaf.

Posted by: dostaf (inactive) Report abuse
'Dough indeed!'

Posted by: veg grower (inactive) Report abuse
What about a famous feminist cheese?

Posted by: cordyline (5270)   Report abuse
I just got off the phone to Sea World


They said my call may be recorded for training porpoises

Posted by: pisolivadi (1812)  Report abuse
Car park vandalism...

Its crime on so many levels.

Posted by: pisolivadi (1812)  Report abuse
my dad's just retired after an unblemished career and got a job as a lollipop man .
So didn't believe him when he said he'd been done for stealing in his new role, but when I went round his house,.. all the signs were there.

Posted by: chatty (7428)  Report abuse
"I had a cat called Minton who swallowed a shuttlecock. I said 'Bad Minton!'"

Posted by: chatty (7428)  Report abuse
"Did you hear Handel has teamed up with Hinge and Bracket? They've formed The Doors!!!!!"

Posted by: joseph 1 (inactive) Report abuse
What do we want?

A cure for obesity!

When do we want it?

After dinner!

Posted by: joseph 1 (inactive) Report abuse
What do we want?

Confidentially!

When do we want it?

None of your bloody business!

Posted by: dostaf (inactive) Report abuse
Don't you be doing the Tourettes one.

Posted by: joseph 1 (inactive) Report abuse
What do we want!?

A cure for alzhimers!

When do we want it?

When do we want what?

Posted by: joseph 1 (inactive) Report abuse
What do we want?

A cure for tourettes!

When do we want it?

?

Posted by: dostaf (inactive) Report abuse
Expect complaints.

That big lad what left put a series of those type on 'Handbags'.

I believe he still moves abroad.

Posted by: joseph 1 (inactive) Report abuse
I thought someone had been tampering with my library.

Posted by: dostaf (inactive) Report abuse
No. He nicks them of a sordid site.

Posted by: jo anne (32446)   Report abuse
I missed your earlier post, Veg Grower. It's got me thinking.

What about a famous feminist cheese?

Replied: 10th Jan 2012 at 23:24

Posted by: dostaf (inactive) Report abuse
Not got the horse yet, never mind the feminist.

Posted by: veg grower (inactive) Report abuse
Go on I'll give it to you, its been bugging me.

Feminist cheese - Gruyere.

Posted by: jo anne (32446)   Report abuse
I'd thought of Germaine Greer, Veg Grower.

Posted by: cordyline (5270)   Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (5270)   Report abuse
BREAKING NEWS:
SAN FRANCISCO MAN BECOMES FIRST AMERICAN TO GRASP SIGNIFICANCE OF IRONY

Jay Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the concept of irony

"It was weird," Fullmer said. "I was in London and, like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather, eh?" and I thought "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather"

Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate

Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, plans to use irony himself in future

"I'm, like, using it all the time," he said. "Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them to hell and I said

"Hey, great weather!"

Posted by: dostaf (inactive) Report abuse

Posted by: Mac (inactive) Report abuse

Posted by: dostaf (inactive) Report abuse
January explanation needed.

Posted by: cordyline (5270)   Report abuse
Coming back from another recent EC summit in Rome, various European leaders were forced to take the train due to a strike by Swiss Air controllers;

Sitting together in the same compartment, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were Sarkozy, Cameron, Merkel and the young and very attractive female Irish foreign minister

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a kiss followed by a loud slap

When the train emerges from the tunnel, Sarkozy has a bright red, hand print on his cheek

No one speaks, everyone is extremely shocked and embarrassed

Angela Merkel thinks: Sarkozy, not able to help himself, must have kissed the Irish girl in the dark, and she slapped his cheek

The Irish girl thinks: Sarkozy, not able to help himself, must have tried to kiss me in the dark, but missed and kissed Merkel and she slapped his cheek

Sarkozy thinks: Why me ? That perfidious Cameron must have groped the Irish girl in the dark knowing that Id get the blame for it and she slapped methe English bastard

Cameron thinks: I cant wait for another tunnel;
just so I can kiss the back of my hand again and smack that little French sod another time

Posted by: Mac (inactive) Report abuse
LOL!

Posted by: dostaf (inactive) Report abuse
Expect 'should be on politics' complaints.

Posted by: Mac (inactive) Report abuse
Me and the Mrs. were sat on the sofa. She had a sad look on her face;

"Cheer up" I said,

"Oh I'm ok" she sighed "just a bit sad"

"You're fab" I said,

"Thanks" she said,

"You're mine" I said,

"I know silly!" she chuckled,

"I love you" I said,

"Aww!" she gushed "That's so lovely!"

"Marry me" I said,

She squealed with joy and stood up and started clapping like a seal, "Yes!" she bellowed "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

I looked up at her and said "Yes what?"

"Yes I will marry you!" she beamed,

"Sod off!" I said "Here, have a Love Heart".

Posted by: cordyline (5270)   Report abuse
Jock goes on a first aid course

The instructor asks "What would you do if your child swallowed the front door key?"

Jock said " I'd climb in through the window"

Posted by: cordyline (5270)   Report abuse
Apparently, The Queen likes to refer to her christmas broadcast as 'The One Show'

Posted by: cordyline (5270)   Report abuse
A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi

It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings

"Mum," said the boy, "What are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work", she replied

The taxi driver turns round and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money"

The little boy's eyes got wide and he said "Is that true, mum?"

His mother, glaring hard at the taxi driver, answers in the affirmative

After a few minutes, the kid asked, "Mum, what happens to their babies?"

"Most of them become taxi drivers", she said

Posted by: mache (inactive) Report abuse
Replied: 23rd Jan 2011 at 19:38


Posted by: sir bob (7084)  Report abuse
That is nearly three years ago

Posted by: cordyline (5270)   Report abuse
I've got an Eton-themed advent calendar

where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts

Posted by: cordyline (5270)   Report abuse
'Doctor, one day I think Im a tepee, the next I think I'm a Wig-wam'


'Relax Man, you're too tense'

Posted by: cordyline (5270)   Report abuse
When I was young; I believed in Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy

Not any more, Thank God

Posted by: bentlegs (4487) Report abuse
I saw my mate coming out of work he had a feather stuck in his hair i said whats that all about he said they are sacking all the Cowboys,

Posted by: cordyline (5270)   Report abuse
Talking to a bloke the other day; he accused me of being a fake Cockney

So I pushed him down the apples and oranges

Posted by: cordyline (5270)   Report abuse
Is it just me --

or has the increase in female MPs coincided with parliament not listening?

Posted by: cordyline (5270)   Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (5270)   Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (5270)   Report abuse
A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bleedin' bread!"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again you wee shite I'll nail your beak to the bar!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

 
 
Back
 

 
Note: You must login to post a reply.
If you haven't registered, why not join now?. Registration is FREE!
 
 © 2020 wiganworld
Click here to read the privacy policy, disclaimer and copyright information.
Please contact us with your ideas, suggestions, moans or questions.