Cordy's Joke thread
Very rare photo of the 1940 Tour de France:
Started: 23rd Jan 2011 at 19:37
Last edited by cordyline: 5th Jan 2012 at 17:57:53
I was telling the wife that an old bloke had just driven by on a tractor, shouting 'The end of the world is upon us!'.
She said 'that sounds like farmer Geddon'.
Replied: 23rd Jan 2011 at 19:38
could be the start of a breakaway if the peleton dont look sharp
Replied: 23rd Jan 2011 at 19:40
whats the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
Iron Man is a 'Superhero'.......
Iron Woman is a simple instruction...
Replied: 24th Jan 2011 at 22:22
"It'll be better when they invent them plastic helmets"
Replied: 24th Jan 2011 at 22:46
"Get the hand off my rifle"
Replied: 24th Jan 2011 at 22:51
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquour store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied.
She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"
"No," said the little boy... "It's a puppy!"
Replied: 25th Jan 2011 at 13:08
Do NOT donate money to the Egypt Crisis fund.
Rumour has it that this could be another Pyramid Scheme.
Replied: 3rd Feb 2011 at 22:20
Egyptian government have come up with a plan to stop the riots in Cairo
Get in a car,honk your horn & simply chill-out
They are calling it the "toot-n-kalm-doon"
Be so kind as to pass ones coat pleeeease
Replied: 4th Feb 2011 at 06:46
Replied: 7th Feb 2011 at 13:28
Last edited by cordyline: 7th Feb 2011 at 14:06:44
I had a bad reaction to Viagra, 8 hours now & I still have an erection.
Hope the doctor can sort it.
Touch wood.
Replied: 7th Feb 2011 at 13:36
My neighbour was reading fairy tales to her little grandson. He said,'Nana, do all fairy tales begin with.."Once upon a time"?'.
She thought for a minute and answered, 'No,Tom, I know lots of fairy tales that begin with.."If elected, I promise"..,
Replied: 7th Feb 2011 at 13:48
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness
No one answered
"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post
He saddled up and started to ride out of town
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home"
Replied: 1st Jan 2012 at 21:36
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it"
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me"
The Rabbi, surprised by this asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what - Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know"
A week later the Rabbi calls the man "Well, I spoke to your wife, I spoke to her on the phone for three hours;
You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied
"Take the poison"
Replied: 3rd Jan 2012 at 14:35
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat"
The man groaned but didn't budge
The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager"
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success
Finally, they summoned the police
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam" the man moaned
"Where ya from Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied
"The balcony"
Replied: 5th Jan 2012 at 14:13
Ye Gods, Cordy. That joke is as old as the 1940 tour de france winner.
Replied: 5th Jan 2012 at 14:23
Do the one about the never-ending bag of crisps.
Replied: 5th Jan 2012 at 14:25
A Policeman pulled me over...
'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'. I said: 'What for, Officer?' He says: 'My chips are too hot'
Read it in a West Country accent.
Replied: 5th Jan 2012 at 14:29
And the crisp bag?
Involved a balcony at the pictures
Replied: 5th Jan 2012 at 14:36
So they've made the new Thatcher film a 12a
Apparently its not suitable for Miners!!
Replied: 6th Jan 2012 at 16:48
No joy with the crisp bag, unless it's entwined with the old chestnut that is the patron who fell?
Replied: 6th Jan 2012 at 17:00
There was a leper sat above him on the balcony.
Replied: 6th Jan 2012 at 17:03
Cor lummey!....billy Shakespeare told that one in Much ado about sod all!
Replied: 6th Jan 2012 at 17:04
two irish men go for a job
the foreman first brings in murphy for a quick iq test
the foreman asks:
what would happen if i covered your right eye?
murphy:
i would be half blind,
what would happen if i covered both eyes?
i would be totally blind,
ok said the foreman you have the job,
so on the way out he whispers to pat "half blind..totally blind"
so the foreman brings in pat:
what would happen if i cut off your left ear?
pat:
i would be half blind,
foreman:
then what would happen if i cut off both ears?
pat:
i would be totally blind
how do you make that out asked the foreman
pat,
well my hat would fall over my eyes !!
Replied: 7th Jan 2012 at 12:17
My granddad had a heart attack whilst walking in Sherwood Forest today.
Apparently he's stable, but not out of the woods yet.
Replied: 7th Jan 2012 at 12:42
I managed to get a job as a puppeteer today, but I had to pull some strings.
Replied: 7th Jan 2012 at 12:48
great laughs lads
Replied: 7th Jan 2012 at 14:25
So Anthony Worrall Thompson has been arrested for stealing cheese
Next time he should do it more Caerphilly
Replied: 9th Jan 2012 at 17:02
Which cheese is made backwards?
Replied: 9th Jan 2012 at 17:04
Yon C&P merchant will be kicking himself.
Just landed on handbags.
Replied: 9th Jan 2012 at 17:05
Last edited by dostaf: 9th Jan 2012 at 17:06:36
Jo Anne, that's too easy.
Expect a very, very naughty one.
Replied: 9th Jan 2012 at 17:06
My answer's Edam, Dostaf.
(Tweeted recently by the QI Elves. When it became one of their most retweeted tweets, they said they thought it might be time to give up.)
Replied: 9th Jan 2012 at 17:12
You could have humoured me, Dostaf.
Replied: 9th Jan 2012 at 17:17
Only if you ask about the very, VERY naughty one about the Architect, Jo Anne.
Replied: 9th Jan 2012 at 17:21
Replied: 9th Jan 2012 at 23:53
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day
When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times
When I got fired, you were there to support me
When my business failed, you were there
When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" She asked gently
"I think you bring me bad luck"
Replied: 9th Jan 2012 at 23:54
Another QI question:
Which cheese would you use to disguise a horse?
Replied: 10th Jan 2012 at 19:37
Veg Grower - whey to go!
Dostaf - I've never seen Strugling at the delicatessen counter?
Which cheese would you use to disguise a horse? Mascarpone
Replied: 10th Jan 2012 at 20:46
Struggling should have two g's, too.
GG = Oss = Boulangerie.
Replied: 10th Jan 2012 at 20:52
Dohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!
I meant Boucherie.
Replied: 10th Jan 2012 at 20:53
Dough indeed!
It'd have to be a little Oss to be in the Boulangerie ... a foal in a loaf.
Replied: 10th Jan 2012 at 21:13
What about a famous feminist cheese?
Replied: 10th Jan 2012 at 23:24
I just got off the phone to Sea World
They said my call may be recorded for training porpoises
Replied: 12th Jan 2012 at 10:31
Car park vandalism...
Its crime on so many levels.
Replied: 12th Jan 2012 at 10:51
my dad's just retired after an unblemished career and got a job as a lollipop man .
So didn't believe him when he said he'd been done for stealing in his new role, but when I went round his house,.. all the signs were there.
Replied: 12th Jan 2012 at 10:58
"I had a cat called Minton who swallowed a shuttlecock. I said 'Bad Minton!'"
Replied: 12th Jan 2012 at 10:59
"Did you hear Handel has teamed up with Hinge and Bracket? They've formed The Doors!!!!!"
Replied: 12th Jan 2012 at 11:02
What do we want?
A cure for obesity!
When do we want it?
After dinner!
Replied: 12th Jan 2012 at 18:48
What do we want?
Confidentially!
When do we want it?
None of your bloody business!
Replied: 12th Jan 2012 at 18:49
What do we want!?
A cure for alzhimers!
When do we want it?
When do we want what?
Replied: 12th Jan 2012 at 18:50
What do we want?
A cure for tourettes!
When do we want it?
?
Replied: 12th Jan 2012 at 18:52
Expect complaints.
That big lad what left put a series of those type on 'Handbags'.
I believe he still moves abroad.
Replied: 12th Jan 2012 at 18:52
I thought someone had been tampering with my library.
Replied: 12th Jan 2012 at 18:56
I missed your earlier post, Veg Grower. It's got me thinking.
What about a famous feminist cheese?
Replied: 10th Jan 2012 at 23:24
Replied: 12th Jan 2012 at 19:00
Not got the horse yet, never mind the feminist.
Replied: 12th Jan 2012 at 19:50
Go on I'll give it to you, its been bugging me.
Feminist cheese - Gruyere.
Replied: 14th Jan 2012 at 20:45
I'd thought of Germaine Greer, Veg Grower.
Replied: 14th Jan 2012 at 21:51
Replied: 16th Jan 2012 at 12:44
Last edited by cordyline: 16th Jan 2012 at 13:14:12
BREAKING NEWS:
SAN FRANCISCO MAN BECOMES FIRST AMERICAN TO GRASP SIGNIFICANCE OF IRONY
Jay Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the concept of irony
"It was weird," Fullmer said. "I was in London and, like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather, eh?" and I thought "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather"
Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate
Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, plans to use irony himself in future
"I'm, like, using it all the time," he said. "Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them to hell and I said
"Hey, great weather!"
Replied: 16th Jan 2012 at 16:39
Coming back from another recent EC summit in Rome, various European leaders were forced to take the train due to a strike by Swiss Air controllers;
Sitting together in the same compartment, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were Sarkozy, Cameron, Merkel and the young and very attractive female Irish foreign minister
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a kiss followed by a loud slap
When the train emerges from the tunnel, Sarkozy has a bright red, hand print on his cheek
No one speaks, everyone is extremely shocked and embarrassed
Angela Merkel thinks: Sarkozy, not able to help himself, must have kissed the Irish girl in the dark, and she slapped his cheek
The Irish girl thinks: Sarkozy, not able to help himself, must have tried to kiss me in the dark, but missed and kissed Merkel and she slapped his cheek
Sarkozy thinks: Why me ? That perfidious Cameron must have groped the Irish girl in the dark knowing that I’d get the blame for it and she slapped me…the English bastard
Cameron thinks: I can’t wait for another tunnel;
just so I can kiss the back of my hand again and smack that little French sod another time
Replied: 19th Jan 2012 at 18:47
Expect 'should be on politics' complaints.
Replied: 19th Jan 2012 at 18:50
Me and the Mrs. were sat on the sofa. She had a sad look on her face;
"Cheer up" I said,
"Oh I'm ok" she sighed "just a bit sad"
"You're fab" I said,
"Thanks" she said,
"You're mine" I said,
"I know silly!" she chuckled,
"I love you" I said,
"Aww!" she gushed "That's so lovely!"
"Marry me" I said,
She squealed with joy and stood up and started clapping like a seal, "Yes!" she bellowed "Yes! Yes! Yes!"
I looked up at her and said "Yes what?"
"Yes I will marry you!" she beamed,
"Sod off!" I said "Here, have a Love Heart".
Replied: 19th Jan 2012 at 18:55
Jock goes on a first aid course
The instructor asks "What would you do if your child swallowed the front door key?"
Jock said " I'd climb in through the window"
Replied: 23rd Jan 2012 at 16:13
Last edited by cordyline: 23rd Jan 2012 at 16:13:59
Apparently, The Queen likes to refer to her christmas broadcast as 'The One Show'
Replied: 15th Mar 2012 at 11:08
A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi
It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings
"Mum," said the boy, "What are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work", she replied
The taxi driver turns round and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money"
The little boy's eyes got wide and he said "Is that true, mum?"
His mother, glaring hard at the taxi driver, answers in the affirmative
After a few minutes, the kid asked, "Mum, what happens to their babies?"
"Most of them become taxi drivers", she said
Replied: 12th May 2013 at 22:58
That is nearly three years ago
Replied: 13th Oct 2013 at 15:37
I've got an Eton-themed advent calendar
where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts
Replied: 19th Aug 2019 at 09:26
'Doctor, one day I think Im a tepee, the next I think I'm a Wig-wam'
'Relax Man, you're too tense'
Replied: 19th Aug 2019 at 15:34
When I was young; I believed in Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy
Not any more, Thank God
Replied: 21st Aug 2019 at 08:58
I saw my mate coming out of work he had a feather stuck in his hair i said whats that all about he said they are sacking all the Cowboys,
Replied: 22nd Aug 2019 at 16:26
Talking to a bloke the other day; he accused me of being a fake Cockney
So I pushed him down the apples and oranges
Replied: 24th Aug 2019 at 00:19
Is it just me --
or has the increase in female MPs coincided with parliament not listening?
Replied: 21st Oct 2019 at 10:44
Replied: 1st Apr 2020 at 13:48
Replied: 1st Apr 2020 at 16:47
A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread"
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bleedin' bread!"
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again you wee shite I'll nail your beak to the bar!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Replied: 1st Apr 2020 at 22:57
The doctor has just prescribed me some anti-gloating cream.
Can't wait to rub it in.
Replied: 14th May 2020 at 21:18
Wanda;-- Look Away
A young woman started work in the Village chemist shop, she was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.
The Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days, and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.
She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms.
"Look" he said "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they either ask for a 310 (small); a 320 (medium); or a 330 (large). The word condom is never mentioned"
The first day was fine, but on the second day a black guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said “350" please.
The girl panicked. She phoned the Chemist on his mobile and told him of her predicament.
"Go back in and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.
She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the guy's legs.
"Yes!” she shouted down the phone "he's got one hanging there!”
The boss replied "Well, go back in there and give him £3.50
...he's the window cleaner”
Replied: 17th May 2020 at 11:18
A guy calls a chimney sweep to get his chimney cleaned.
The sweep checks it out and then says he can do the job for £1,200.
"TWELVE HUNDRED POUNDS!" the guy shouts.
"For that much I'll do it myself"
The sweep chuckles and says "Okay -- soot yourself"
Replied: 18th May 2020 at 11:52
Last edited by cordyline: 20th May 2020 at 13:21:00