Exercise for the over 60s
Q. If you see Corbyn and McDonnell up to their necks in cement, what do you have ?
A. Not enough cement
Started: 21st Feb 2017 at 19:48
Last edited by cordyline: 4th Sep 2018 at 12:57:19
Cordyline..
Replied: 21st Feb 2017 at 19:58
Aw cordyline I think step 5 is going a bit too far
Replied: 22nd Feb 2017 at 10:31
Cordy LOL
Replied: 22nd Feb 2017 at 14:16
My parents are going to be 63 and 68 and they do a lot of gardening. They walk quite a bit when they aren't watching granbabies
Replied: 22nd Feb 2017 at 16:23
do they need to be King Edward's or will any do ?
Replied: 22nd Feb 2017 at 17:35
Doo yoo know the difference between a good spud and a crap spud ????
Well a good spud as more cellulose material in it and crap spuds have more water in them and how you tell the difference is to feel the spud
place the spud in the palm of your hand and give it a good squeeze, it you can feel it give slightly (squishes) them it is full of water and will cook and taste awful, if when you squeeze the spud and it is firm and hard and does not flex, then it will be a good spud
Replied: 22nd Feb 2017 at 17:56
After the recent case of rustling in the Yorkshire Dales Hollywood want to make a new movie
called Sheepless in Settle.
Replied: 22nd Feb 2017 at 21:44
Lovely exercises for people over 60, Cordy. Very nice.
Replied: 22nd Feb 2017 at 22:36
brilliant cordy, very funny
Replied: 22nd Feb 2017 at 23:05
I asked the apprentice to get me a newspaper
The geeky kid said 'Don't be silly, you don't need a newspaper in these modern times -- here use my I-pad'
That Wasp never knew what hit it !
Replied: 23rd Feb 2017 at 20:29
Replied: 23rd Feb 2017 at 20:30
Nicola Sturgeon, Donald Trump, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there they spy a red phone and ask what it's for.
The Devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he finishes the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.
Next Donald Trump calls the USA and talks for 30 minutes. When he's finished the devil tells him that the cost is 6 million dollars, and Trump writes him a cheque.
Finally Nicola Sturgeon gets her turn and calls Scotland for 4 hours.
When she's finished, the devil informs her that there is no charge, and feel free to call Scotland anytime.
Putin and Trump go ballistic and ask the devil why Nicola Sturgeon got to call Scotland free.
The devil replies, "Since she became First Minister of Scotland, the Country has gone to hell, so it's a local call"
Replied: 20th Mar 2017 at 14:11
Happy Red Nose Day !!
Or as African Dictators call it "New Mercedes Day"
Replied: 24th Mar 2017 at 20:15
My mate took being sent to Jail really badly
He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him
He smeared the walls with his porridge
After that, we never played Monopoly again!
Replied: 25th Mar 2017 at 21:45
Replied: 9th Jun 2017 at 23:39
Two clones are on a roof. One clone pushes the other clone off.
The next day the police arrest him for making an obscene clone fall
Replied: 10th Jun 2017 at 13:39
No wind or rain forecast for tomorrow.
The Met Office have advised everyone to make unnecessary journeys.
Replied: 10th Jun 2017 at 13:40
A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.
Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office
“Since we weren’t actually at war” the General began “I can’t give out any medals
We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated.
What we’ve decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body.
You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts.
We’ll start on the left, boys, so what’ll it be?”
Soldier 1: “The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!”
General: “Very good son, that’s 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds”
Soldier 2: “The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!”
General: “Even better son, that’s 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds”
Soldier 3: “The palm of me hand to the tip of me left little finger, sahr!”
General: “That’s a strange but fair request, son!
As the general begins the measurement: “What!
Son, where is your left little finger?”
Soldier 3: “Falkland Island, sahr!”
Replied: 13th Jun 2017 at 22:48
My parents are both over years. Mom has no time to do anything with kids all day. Whem mom feeds them she eats herself. She has put on weight
Replied: 15th Jun 2017 at 01:47
Last edited by madamehmurray: 22nd Jan 2018 at 02:36:35
That tickled me erin...can just imagine her eating herself
Replied: 15th Jun 2017 at 07:33
A stern warning of what biting your fingernails may lead to!
Replied: 15th Jun 2017 at 10:59
I stop biting mine
Replied: 16th Jun 2017 at 01:27
I was saddened when my friend, a local blacksmith died
But perked up when I heard that I was included in his will.
I found that he had left me his dog.
I took it home and he immediately made a bolt for the door.
Replied: 19th Jun 2017 at 20:28
Replied: 7th Jul 2017 at 10:05
Last edited by cordyline: 8th Jul 2017 at 11:11:29
An elderly widower walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
He is in his mid-eighties, very well-dressed, hair well-groomed,great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.
Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-seventies.
The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip. He slowly turns to the lady and says:
"So, tell me..... do I come here often?"
Replied: 10th Jul 2017 at 22:12
I hate people who refuse to let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst!
Replied: 30th Jul 2017 at 10:19
JK Rowling talking about the 20th anniversary of Harry Potter.
I don't think anyone has milked a small wizard this much since Debbie Magee.
Replied: 30th Jul 2017 at 10:20
I went to visit my Jewish mate yesterday
I found him stripping the wallpaper off the walls.
I said "Doing a bit of renovating then, are you?"
He said "No, we're moving house"
Replied: 1st Aug 2017 at 08:26
Frank always looked on the bright side...He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism.
No matter how horrible the circumstances, he would always reply, "It could have been worse"
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom?"
He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"
"That's awful" said Frank "But it could have been worse".....
"How in the hell" asked his bewildered friend "Could it have been worse?"
"Well" replied Frank
"If it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"
Replied: 6th Aug 2017 at 22:56
Dr: " I have good news and bad news for you. What do you want first?"
Patient: " Bad news"
Dr: " You have a month to live"
Patient: "And the good news?"
Dr: "Financially, you're set for life"
Replied: 24th Aug 2017 at 09:09
Just heard on the news that Beyonce has discovered that Roy Castle was really her father.
Can't see her taking his surname somehow
Replied: 10th Sep 2017 at 13:19
Replied: 10th Sep 2017 at 15:03
Just become the leap frog world record holder....
On the down side I'm now banned from entering all Mosques.
Replied: 2nd Oct 2017 at 14:40
Last edited by cordyline: 2nd Oct 2017 at 14:43:58
Can't believe how strong the wind was last night.
I nipped out to get the wife some milk and got blown straight into the pub.....
Replied: 3rd Oct 2017 at 00:03
Imagine The Titanic with a lisp.
It's unthinkable.
Replied: 21st Jan 2018 at 19:48
Replied: 23rd Jan 2018 at 17:53
If you want to play a real life version of Pac-Man
go to DFS and try and avoid the salesman.
Replied: 24th Jan 2018 at 11:09
Our Wi-Fi wasn't working last night
so I sat and talked to the missus for a while.
I was surprised to hear she is no longer working at Woolworths.
Replied: 8th Mar 2018 at 22:59
A call to the UK Prime Minister’s office:
“May I please talk to Theresa?”
“She is asleep right now”
“If she wakes up tell her Vladimir called”
“What do you mean ‘if’?”
Replied: 19th Mar 2018 at 21:51
A wagon train went through the prairie and entered the foothills
They came upon a clearing where they found a previous wagon train, burned out, arrows in the wagons, no one alive.
The trail boss looked up and saw Indians all around. He thought GOSH!!
As he was pondering what to do he came upon a bottle and pulled out the cork and Yes, you guessed it - a Genie popped out!
The genie said "Not your day is it!. You can have only one wish but there is a catch
Whatever you wish for the Indians get two. So if you want a horse they get two. If you ask for rifles they get twice as many-get the idea"
The trail boss said " OK then in that case -- I'll have a glass eye"
Replied: 7th Apr 2018 at 14:13
On a more serious note - I am 73 and I go to Tai Chi lessons twice a week for 1 hour.
The exercise is basically gentle stretching - I find it very beneficial - it increases your balance and your flexibility.
Replied: 9th Apr 2018 at 21:51
My mate's girlfriend is a stunner!
She works in an abattoir.
Replied: 9th Apr 2018 at 22:33
Harry and Meghan are asking for charitable donations instead of wedding gifts.
Starting with £2m from the taxpayer.
Replied: 11th Apr 2018 at 11:39
Here's a bit of advice:
advi
Replied: 22nd Apr 2018 at 13:40
*First woman on the Moon*
Woman;- Houston, we have a problem
Tech team:- What?
Woman:- Never mind
TT;- What's the problem?
Woman:- Nothing
TT:- Please tell us?
Woman:- You know the problem
Replied: 24th Apr 2018 at 13:53
cordy, I absolutely love your jokes but I can't get this one.
Replied: 24th Apr 2018 at 17:50
Replied: 24th Apr 2018 at 18:25
Marie
Replied: 24th Apr 2018 at 20:58
I think you have to be a bloke to appreciate that one.
Replied: 25th Apr 2018 at 16:59
I've just seen the Korean version of Crufts,
and to be fair, it was pretty much the same as ours -- with one exception....
The judges were all chefs.
Replied: 25th Apr 2018 at 22:39
Trainer in paddock at Ascot where he is running a horse owned by Lord Rosebery.
He takes a white pill out his pocket and gives it to the horse.
Unknowing to the trainer, Lord Rosebery is approaching behind him and sees everything.
Being a stalwart of the Jockey Club, Lord Rosebery is absolutely fuming and rightly so.
"What do you think you are doing giving my horse dope" he yells at the trainer.
The startled trainer turns around. "No your Lordship, you have got it all wrong" he replies.
"It`s just a peppermint, the old boy loves them"
Fidgeting in his pocket, he then pulls out another two white pills.
"Here you have one and I`ll have the other"
Lord Rosebery shoves it in his mouth and begins to blush. "I`m very sorry. Please accept my sincere apologies"
"No problem your Lordship, we all make mistakes" says the trainer.
Lord Rosebery leaves for the grandstand and the trainer legs up the jockey and gives him his instructions.
"Drop him in behind the leaders and approaching the 2f pole, pull him out and he`ll storm to the front .........
and don't worry if anything passes you, it`ll either be me or Lord Rosebery"!
Replied: 28th Apr 2018 at 22:16
Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, the jockey is well ahead of the field.
Suddenly he's hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.
He manages to keep control of his mount and pulls back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he goes over the last fence.
With great skill he manages to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he’s struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding and he only finishes second.
He immediately goes to the stewards to complain that he has been seriously hampered.
Replied: 29th Apr 2018 at 15:28
How many pedants does it take to change a lightbulb?
Actually..... the correct term is 'replace'
Replied: 29th Apr 2018 at 15:31
ll
Replied: 3rd May 2018 at 09:27
Last edited by cordyline: 21st Aug 2018 at 21:28:15
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV, when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen.
"What would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?"
I said "Thank you, I'll have chicken please"
She replied
"You're having soup you fat git, I was talking to the cat"
Replied: 4th May 2018 at 09:39
I recently took up meditation.
Beats sitting around doing naff all....
Replied: 16th May 2018 at 14:04
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman:
‘Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?’
The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the
toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed. In walks the rabbit and says, ‘A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman’
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub. Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.
The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, ‘A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman’
The barman says, ‘I’m sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties..’
The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, ‘We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.’ The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, ‘Are you sure I will like it?’
The masses’ bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says, ‘Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you’ll
love it’
‘Ok’, says the rabbit, ‘I’ll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie’
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie. He then waves to the crowd and leaves….
..NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.
The barman says, ‘Who are you?’, to which he is answered, ‘I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.’
The barman says, ‘I remember you. You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous’
The rabbit says, ‘Yes I know’
The barman said, ‘I remember, on your last night we didn’t have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead’
The rabbit said ‘Yes, you promised me that I would love it’
Barman; ‘You never came back, what happened?’
‘I DIED’, said the rabbit.
‘NO!’ said the barman. ‘What from?’
After a short pause. The rabbit said…
‘Mixin-me-toasties’
Replied: 17th May 2018 at 14:17
cordy, that's brilliant.
Replied: 17th May 2018 at 16:45
The bloke who invented the TV remote control has died.
He's going to be buried between two cushions on a settee....
Replied: 17th May 2018 at 22:27
Prince Harry says he doesn't want any fruit cake at his wedding.
Prince Philip says he doesn't care and he's going anyway!
Replied: 17th May 2018 at 22:28
A couple of weeks after surgery, I went to my doctor
and he asked what I'd been doing.
I replied "Just lounging around all day, looking at the internet on my computer, drinking coffee, texting my mates"
He got angry and said
"I told you not to go back to your job at the council for at least a month!"
Replied: 17th May 2018 at 22:31
Replied: 18th May 2018 at 09:05
I was referee at a women’s football match yesterday
It was brilliant.
I booked two for muttering under their breath
One for the silent treatment
Then I sent one off without explanation; and left her wondering what she’d done wrong.
Replied: 14th Jun 2018 at 09:45
Neologism
1. Coffee -- the person upon whom one coughs
2. Flabbergasted -- appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate -- to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade -- to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly -- impotent.
6. Negligent -- describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph -- to walk with a lisp.
Replied: 29th Jun 2018 at 10:14
A pensioner has pleaded guilty to hate crime,
after he emailed several remoaner MPs, including David Lammy and Anna Soubry
and told them that they deserved to be hung for treachery.
That's appalling !!
Everyone knows it's spelled 'hanged'
Replied: 24th Jul 2018 at 23:21
After a business conference
A man and a woman, who are both married to other people, find themselves forced to share a hotel room for a night
They feel weird at first, but they both fall asleep in their separate beds.
After a few hours of sleeping, the man wakes the woman up and asks her
"Could you grab me another blanket from the closet? I'm really cold"
The woman responds "Or we could just pretend to be married for the night?"
The man replies "That would be amazing"
The woman smiles and shouts "Okay. Get your own bleedin' blanket!"
Replied: 3rd Aug 2018 at 23:07
A man walks into a hardware store and picks up a can of wasp spray
"Is this good for wasps?" he asks the assistant
"No it bleedin' kills 'em!" was the reply
Replied: 21st Aug 2018 at 10:05
I just had an appointment with a fortune teller.
She told me a lot of money was coming my way.....
I left all excited and got run over by a Securicor van.
Replied: 21st Aug 2018 at 21:29
I asked my boss
"Where do you want me to put this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap"
He said " Just pop it in the corner"
4 hours it took me
Replied: 22nd Aug 2018 at 08:59
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.
Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months...… maybe years.
Replied: 24th Aug 2018 at 12:24
My mate took his girlfriend to a fancy restaurant tonight and she insisted on paying for the meal.
He said "Don't be stupid -- we're half way down the road now;
Just keep running"
Replied: 25th Aug 2018 at 21:58
Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:
“Ladies and gentlemen, I’m so sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service.
I don’t know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologise for this mistake and inconvenience"
When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued. "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of the six-hour flight”
Her next announcement came about two-hours later
If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available”
Replied: 2nd Sep 2018 at 18:02
Just been on Trip advisor...
They recommend LSD and Magic Mushrooms
Replied: 4th Sep 2018 at 12:53
My golf was so bad, I decided to get some lessons from a pro.
I asked him "What's wrong with my game?"
He said my main problem was that I'm standing too close to the ball when I hit it, and said my best bet was to cut a few inches off my clubs.
I asked if that would make me play better.
He said "No, but it'll make it easier to fit the clubs in the bin"
Replied: 17th Jul 2019 at 20:36
News Flash -
Alan Turing to feature on the new Nine Bob Note.
Replied: 18th Jul 2019 at 17:19
I'm proud to be unique.
I just wish there were more people like me.
Replied: 20th Jul 2019 at 12:18