Essex Gal

How do you make an Essex girl laugh on a Saturday?..

Tell her a joke on Wednesday!...

Safety meeting at work

They asked 'What steps would you take in event of a fire?'

"About 2 metres" was apparently not the right answer

Cordyline the answer was always Bloody big ones

A Zulu walking through the jungle comes across a pygmy standing over a dead lion.

"Did you kill that lion?" asks the Zulu.

"Yeah, I beat it to death with my club," the pygmy replies.

"Jeez, you must have a big club," says the Zulu.

"Aye, there's about thirty of us."

My wife told me over breakfast that she is leaving me because of my obsession with twitter.

I nearly choked on my #browns

I was proud that my mate Billy made a name for himself,

although the police called it identify fraud.

I hate it when people ask me what I'm going to be doing in 2 years......

Come on folks; I don't have 2020 vision.

You are brilliant Cordy,keep it up(no pun intended)

I think that first comment could be directed at "some people" on here.

There was a race between a brunette, a redhead and a blonde to swim across the English Channel; doing only the breaststroke.

After about 14 hours the brunette staggered up on shore and was declared the winner.

About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up to the finish line in second.

Nearly four hours after that, the blond finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporter asked why it took her considerably longer to finish the race, she replied -

"I don't like to sound like a sore loser -- but I think those two other girls were using their arms!"

Picked up a hitchhiker the other night and he asked me

"How did you know I am not a serial killer?"

I replied
"The chances of two serial killers in the same car are astronomical"

A guy goes into his local bank and says to the manager "I'd like to borrow £100,000 to open a cheese factory in Cheshire. It's gonna be great"

" Hold on a minute" says the bank manager "There's already a company called Cheshire Cheese - you're gonna have to come up with something better than that"

The guy comes back next week, and says "Right I've got it. I want to borrow £200,000 to open a cheese factory in France. It's gonna be called Brie Cheese"

"I'm afraid that one's already there too" says the bank manager "Brie Cheese is world famous, so I can't lend you the money for that"

In a last ditch attempt, the man comes back in the following week "Right" says the man, "I've got it I want to borrow £500 000 to open a cheese factory in Israel"

"Oh, now we're talking" says the bank manager "What are you going to call it?"

The man smiles proudly and says, "Cheeses of Nazareth"

According to the Bible,Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Palestine,

a country where names like Achmed,Mohammed,Abdul,Asif and Youssouf are commonplace.

However - he found friends called Matthew,Mark,Luke, John,Simon and Paul.....

…. who all liked quaffing wine.

Now that's what I call a miracle.