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Funnies for Wanda's Mum
Started by: cordyline (4188)   Report abuse
I wrote to that posh MP about pollution.

It began

"Dear Jacob, re smog......"

Posted by: cordyline (4188)   Report abuse
What do you call an Alien who eats too much cheese, egg yolks and animal fat?


An extra-cholesterol......

Posted by: cordyline (4188)   Report abuse
I tried to get through to the tinnitus helpline earlier but....

it just kept ringing.

Posted by: cordyline (4188)   Report abuse
I've just stolen loads of swimming pool inflatables.

I'd better lilo.

Posted by: cordyline (4188)   Report abuse
I accidently rubbed herbs in my eyes earlier...


Now I'm parsley sighted

Posted by: cordyline (4188)   Report abuse
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don’t know, but their flag is a huge plus.

Posted by: cordyline (4188)   Report abuse
Two commuters meet on the bus.

"Isn't this great?" says one.

"You don't have to sit at the wheel, no traffic jams, nothing to get on your nerves, no road rage, noise or stress, you're conserving the environment and you still get to work on time"

"Exactly," says the other

"By the way - How long are you banned for?"

Posted by: cordyline (4188)   Report abuse
"What does Allahu Akbar actually mean?" I asked Muhammad my neighbour today.

"It has two meanings" he replied "The first meaning is - God is Great - "

"And the second?" I asked

"Run like Hell" Muhammad smiled.

Posted by: cordyline (4188)   Report abuse
There’s a thin line between a numerator and denominator.

Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

Posted by: cordyline (4188)   Report abuse
Wanda, Look away now

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband

"I have something to confess, darling. I used to be a hooker"

He says, "That's alright, sweetheart. Your past is your past but, I must admit, I find it quite erotic.

Tell me about it"


She replies

"Well, my name was Nigel and I played for Wigan"

Posted by: cordyline (4188)   Report abuse
"What's your name?"

"Dave Bleedin' Smith"

"Do you suffer from Tourette's, Dave?"

"No, but the Vicar at my Christening did"

Posted by: cordyline (4188)   Report abuse
Prince Harry has stated that He and Mehgan do not want the Traditional Fruit Cake at their upcoming wedding.

Prince Phillip said he will be going anyway

Posted by: cordyline (4188)   Report abuse
I opened my electric bill at the same time as I opened my water bill.

Needless to say, I was shocked!

Posted by: cordyline (4188)   Report abuse

I used to sell furniture for a living.

The trouble being

it was my own.

Posted by: cordyline (4188)   Report abuse
Costume party....

Host: What are you?
Me: A harp

Host: Your costume's too small to be a harp


Me: Are you calling me a lyre ?

Posted by: cordyline (4188)   Report abuse
A man with a stutter goes to see his Doctor.

"Is the stutter getting better with those exercises I gave you?" asks the doctor.

"It's b-b-better-- My dad calls me D-D-Donkey" the man replies.

"Why does he call you Donkey?" asks the doctor


"No idea, but he aw he aw he aw he always calls me that"

Posted by: cordyline (4188)   Report abuse
A frog goes to a fortune teller to find out if he will ever be lucky in love.

The fortune teller reads his palm and tells the frog “I have good news and I have bad news. Which would you like to hear first?”

The frog asks for the good news first

The fortune teller says, “You are going to meet the most *beautiful* girl - who will be be very interested in you and will want to know all about you”

“Great” says the frog “What’s the bad news?”


“....you’re going to meet her in a biology lecture....”

Posted by: cordyline (4188)   Report abuse
My wife said "You are paranoid; You act like a detective too much -- I want to split up"



"Good idea" I replied

"We can cover more ground that way"

Posted by: cordyline (4188)   Report abuse
When I go to an Indian, I always order a tarka masala ......

...... it's like a tikka masala, but a little otter.

Posted by: lectriclegs (2878) Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (4188)   Report abuse
Paddy says to Murphy

"I robbed a shop last night, I took a load of pictures, the cheapest one is worth £180,000"


Murphy says
"Paddy you've robbed an estate agents ya silly eejit"

Posted by: dazzylatic (779) Report abuse
i have a polish friend who is a sound engineer.
i also have a cheq one too,cheq one too,cheq one too

 
 
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