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Jokes for Wanda's Mum
Started by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
My friend Wanda reads Cordy's jokes on WW, then phones her mum and reads them to her

Says it cheers her up !


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope.
----------------------
Just been to the supermarket and swapped 50 raisins for 100 sultanas.

Can't believe the currant exchange rate!

----------------


Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
I wanted to watch the world origami championship on TV.....

... but it was only on paper view.

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
I just bought some counterfeit Mr Kipling Cakes

I must say, they're exceedingly good fakes.

Posted by: lectriclegs (2813) Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
Restaurant

Waitress: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waitress: Certainly.
*Delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: Lovely

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
Mourinho has promised Man United fans that they will be in a major European competition next year.

Even if he has to write the song himself

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
How do Mexicans feel about Trump's wall?

They'll get over it.....

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
A terrorist attack has blown away two local houses

One made of straw & the other made of wood.

Police think that it's probably a lone wolf.

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
The most common surname in China is Chang


correct me if you think it's Wong.

Posted by: bentlegs (4187) Report abuse
We sold our Hoover. Well it was only collecting dust

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
A bloke walks into a pub and sees three men and a dog playing poker.

He says to the landlord "That must be one clever dog"

"Not really" said the landlord

"Every time he gets a good hand his tail starts wagging"

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
I've just noticed that Casualty is up to series 31,

and to keep it true to life,

some of the patients from series 1 are just being seen.

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
My pal Billy always used to say "40 is the new 30"


Lovely chap.......

he got banned from driving.

Posted by: raymyjamie (4865) Report abuse
Keep them coming Cordy, they make I laugh

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
Koreans have recently brought out their own vegetarian version of an instant noodle snack.

It's called Not Poodle.

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
Don't use boomerangs as drumsticks...

there will be re-percussions!

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
If you rearrange the letters of "Postmen"

.....they get very annoyed

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
Went to an Indian restaurant last night and had a pelican curry.

Food was ok, but the bill was enormous!

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with 'Who wants to be a millionaire'

I said 'Is that your final answer?'

Posted by: raymyjamie (4865) Report abuse
Cordy, "skrikesville" here

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
I hear Kim Jung-Un has read every book ever written...

That's why they call him the Supreme Reader.

Posted by: aussie94 (1573) Report abuse
Great stuff , having a good old belly laugh.Thanks cordyline

Posted by: MarieM (4742) Report abuse
cordy, where do you get them all from.

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
MarieM

My wife said she's leaving me because of my Obsessive compulsive disorder


I said 'Will you close the door seven times on your way out'

Posted by: section 8 (2873)  Report abuse
A balloonist gets lost in thick fog somewhere over Ireland. Once it has cleared, he shouts down to a farmer he spots in a field. "HELLOO DOWN THERE, WHERE AM I?"

The farmer replies "YOU CAN'T FOOL ME, YOUR UP THERE IN THAT LITTLE BASKET".

Hal Roach.

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
Donald Trump has announced that America is going to get tough on countries that harbour Islamic Extremists.

France has already surrendered

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
I went to the Doctors to cure my insatiable appetite for consuming mints with holes in

The Dr thinks I may have a BuyPolo disorder.

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
A bloke on a tractor has just driven past me shouting

"The end of the world is nigh!!"

I think it was Farmer Geddon.

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
If you can think of a better fish pun


let minnow.

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
Women are natural born artists.

From drawing eyebrows to drawing conclusions

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
A man walks into his hotel's lift

The operator asks, "Which floor son?"
"17th" replies the man

"No problem son" says the operator

As they approached the 17th floor the operator said, "Enjoy the rest of your stay son"
"Why do you keep calling me son?!" asks the man

"Well, I brought you up didn't I?" he replied

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades

Posted by: raymyjamie (4865) Report abuse
Brightened up me breakfast Cordy,you're a star

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
Told the wife that a husband is like a fine wine;

he gets better with age.

The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
Jake was dying

His wife sat at the bedside giving him a drink

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess'

'There's no need to'
his wife replied; urging him to continue drinking!

'No' he insisted

'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister'

'I know' she replied

'Now just rest and let the poison work'

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
Tip for The Grand National

Creosote

it's good over fences.....

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
Tip for The Grand National; V-Neck

It's a good jumper

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
Why a snake has no legs

God: How many animals do I have left to make?

Angel: 2

God: How many legs do I have left?

Angel: 100

Centipede: Dibs!

Snake: Doh !!!

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
Another one for the National - Clothes Line.

You can put your shirt on it.

or

Sore-foot - he is going to walk it.

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
Final tip for the Grand National.

Dusty Carpet.....never been beaten.

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
......Although I fancy "Fishmonger" for a place.....

Posted by: priscus (6003) Report abuse
Be a dear and make a venison pie!

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
Police want to interview me

Which is strange, because I can't remember applying for a job....

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
What do you call two blokes sitting on top of a window?

Kurt an' Rod

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
Chris Eubank has just written a book about Ethics.

If it's a success his next one will be about Kent.

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
The three unwritten rules of life

1.
2.
3.

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
What do you call a man with a number plate on his head ?

Reg
-------------------------
What does his mum call him ?

R Reg

Posted by: priscus (6003) Report abuse
I don't care what you calls it, Lady Chatt'ly. I CALLS IT OVERTIME!

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
What do you call a lady with one leg?

Eileen.

------------------------------------

What do you call a Chinese lady with one leg?

Irene.

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
I said to my wife this morning

"I was just reading in a scientific paper that blades of grass can actually feel pain. Amazing isn't it?"

The wife replied

"Nice try Mate -- The lawnmower's in the shed"

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
I looked at the credit card statement,

then I looked up at my wife,

and then I glared at the statement again.


Thousands spent frivolously on dresses, handbags, and shoes...

.....She mustn't find out......

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
What do you call a women with 3 pints on each shoulder and 2 on her head ?

Beertrix

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
What do you call 'Beeertrix' who can carry 3 pints on each shoulder

and 2 on her head, all while playing snooker;

Beertrix Potter

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
Apparently towels are the biggest cause of dry skin.

Posted by: lectriclegs (2813) Report abuse

Posted by: section 8 (2873)  Report abuse
Why did the Elephant wear green shoes?

So you couldn't see him on the snooker table.

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
I'm stuck in a lift with Diane and Jeremy.

She can't work out the floor number.

And he won't push the button !

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
Just been to the gym for the first time in years.

I was sweating profusely, the trainer came over and said "You're terribly unfit"

I said "To be fair, it is a long application form"

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
Just remember, behind every angry woman..

There's a man with absolutely no clue about what the hell he's done wrong

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
At the Asda Supermarket buying a bag of Winalot for my dog, while in the check-out line a nosey woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

Why else would I be buying dog food, RIGHT ???

So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again,

and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with a handful of Winalot and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.

The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

She listened intently but Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me?

I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's backside and that's when the bus hit me.

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
I was wrongly fired from my job as a stage designer today...
I left without making a scene

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
What do you call a homeless horse ?

Unstable

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
My wife is leaving me due to my obsession with police interview techniques..

And for the benefit of the tape -- she is leaving the room at 12.20am

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
If the current trend in terror attacks continues...

candlelit vigils will soon be the number one cause of global warming

Posted by: arrow (789) Report abuse
Someone keeps adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

Posted by: dazzylatic (772)  Report abuse
I was really looking forward to watching my mum's sister go into the loft yesterday.
Unfortunately i found it all to be anti-climatic

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
What do you call a nervous Javelin thrower?

Shakespeare....

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?


Tennish

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
When a woman says, "WHAT!!?"

It's not because she didn't hear you,

its because she's giving you a chance to change what you said.

Posted by: dazzylatic (772)  Report abuse
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
A waitress screamed "Does anyone know CPR?"

I shouted "Hell, I know the whole alphabet"
Everyone laughed..

Well everyone except this one guy

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
Scientists have discovered exactly how much sleep an average person needs.

Just 5 minutes more.

Posted by: dazzylatic (772)  Report abuse
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”

The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”

The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”

The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man demands the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.

So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”

The man is relieved to no end.

He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
A piece of sandpaper walks into a bar.

The bartender "What will it be?"

The sandpaper "Just something to take the edge off"

Posted by: berylh (1548) Report abuse
I would like to share a personal experience with you about drinking and driving.
As you know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a 'social session' with family or friends.
Well, two days ago, this happened to me. I was out for an evening with friends and had more than beers followed by a couple of bottles of rather nice red wine and a few wee whiskies.
Although I felt relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was ever so slightly over the limit.
That's when I did something I wouldn't normally do - I took a taxi home.
Sure enough on the way home there was a police roadblock, but since I was a taxi they waved me past and I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise to me, because I had never driven a taxi before, I still don't know where I got it from, and now it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.
So, anyway, if you want to borrow it give me a call!

Cheers.

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
I'm not a fan of the new pound coin

but then again,
I hate all change

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book.

I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house.


Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
How do Mexicans stay warm?

They use chickens for heaters

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
I'm going to a deodorant party this evening,


roll on Saturday night!

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
Gun nuts are like: "YOU CAN'T CHANGE THE SECOND AMENDMENT! GOD BLESS AMERICA"

I think you need to look up the definition of "amendment" mate.






I noticed something strange in the sky and reached for my binoculars

I couldn't believe my eyes

A Ryanair flight!

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
Marriage......

The process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator....

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse

Why did the hedgehog cross the road ?

To get to his flat mate

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
I just quit my job at the helium balloon factory.

Well I'm not being spoken to in THAT tone of voice!

Posted by: cordyline (4137)   Report abuse
I'm gonna be turning my lights off this Halloween and pretending I'm not in.

To Hell with the ships

My lighthouse, my rules

 
 
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