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Jokes for Wanda's Mum
Started by: cordyline (3970)   Report abuse
My friend Wanda reads Cordy's jokes on WW, then phones her mum and reads them to her

Says it cheers her up !


What do you call a man with a car on his head?

Jack
----------------


Posted by: cordyline (3970)   Report abuse
I wanted to watch the world origami championship on TV.....

... but it was only on paper view.

Posted by: cordyline (3970)   Report abuse
I just bought some counterfeit Mr Kipling Cakes

I must say, they're exceedingly good fakes.

Posted by: lectriclegs (2633) Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (3970)   Report abuse
Restaurant

Waitress: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waitress: Certainly.
*Delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: Lovely

Posted by: cordyline (3970)   Report abuse
Mourinho has promised Man United fans that they will be in a major European competition next year.

Even if he has to write the song himself

Posted by: cordyline (3970)   Report abuse
How do Mexicans feel about Trump's wall?

They'll get over it.....

Posted by: cordyline (3970)   Report abuse
A terrorist attack has blown away two local houses

One made of straw & the other made of wood.

Police think that it's probably a lone wolf.

Posted by: cordyline (3970)   Report abuse
The most common surname in China is Chang


correct me if you think it's Wong.

Posted by: bentlegs (4142) Report abuse
We sold our Hoover. Well it was only collecting dust

Posted by: cordyline (3970)   Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (3970)   Report abuse
A bloke walks into a pub and sees three men and a dog playing poker.

He says to the landlord "That must be one clever dog"

"Not really" said the landlord

"Every time he gets a good hand his tail starts wagging"

Posted by: cordyline (3970)   Report abuse
I've just noticed that Casualty is up to series 31,

and to keep it true to life,

some of the patients from series 1 are just being seen.

Posted by: cordyline (3970)   Report abuse
My pal Billy always used to say "40 is the new 30"


Lovely chap.......

he got banned from driving.

Posted by: raymyjamie (4642) Report abuse
Keep them coming Cordy, they make I laugh

Posted by: cordyline (3970)   Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (3970)   Report abuse
Koreans have recently brought out their own vegetarian version of an instant noodle snack.

It's called Not Poodle.

Posted by: cordyline (3970)   Report abuse
Don't use boomerangs as drumsticks...

there will be re-percussions!

Posted by: cordyline (3970)   Report abuse
If you rearrange the letters of "Postmen"

.....they get very annoyed

Posted by: cordyline (3970)   Report abuse
Went to an Indian restaurant last night and had a pelican curry.

Food was ok, but the bill was enormous!

Posted by: cordyline (3970)   Report abuse
My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with 'Who wants to be a millionaire'

I said 'Is that your final answer?'

Posted by: raymyjamie (4642) Report abuse
Cordy, "skrikesville" here

Posted by: cordyline (3970)   Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (3970)   Report abuse
I hear Kim Jung-Un has read every book ever written...

That's why they call him the Supreme Reader.

Posted by: aussie94 (1348) Report abuse
Great stuff , having a good old belly laugh.Thanks cordyline

Posted by: MarieM (4558) Report abuse
cordy, where do you get them all from.

Posted by: cordyline (3970)   Report abuse
MarieM

My wife said she's leaving me because of my Obsessive compulsive disorder


I said 'Will you close the door seven times on your way out'

Posted by: section 8 (2831)  Report abuse
A balloonist gets lost in thick fog somewhere over Ireland. Once it has cleared, he shouts down to a farmer he spots in a field. "HELLOO DOWN THERE, WHERE AM I?"

The farmer replies "YOU CAN'T FOOL ME, YOUR UP THERE IN THAT LITTLE BASKET".

Hal Roach.

Posted by: cordyline (3970)   Report abuse
Donald Trump has announced that America is going to get tough on countries that harbour Islamic Extremists.

France has already surrendered

Posted by: cordyline (3970)   Report abuse
I went to the Doctors to cure my insatiable appetite for consuming mints with holes in

The Dr thinks I may have a BuyPolo disorder.

Posted by: cordyline (3970)   Report abuse
A bloke on a tractor has just driven past me shouting

"The end of the world is nigh!!"

I think it was Farmer Geddon.

Posted by: cordyline (3970)   Report abuse
If you can think of a better fish pun


let minnow.

Posted by: cordyline (3970)   Report abuse
Women are natural born artists.

From drawing eyebrows to drawing conclusions

Posted by: cordyline (3970)   Report abuse
A man walks into his hotel's lift

The operator asks, "Which floor son?"
"17th" replies the man

"No problem son" says the operator

As they approached the 17th floor the operator said, "Enjoy the rest of your stay son"
"Why do you keep calling me son?!" asks the man

"Well, I brought you up didn't I?" he replied

Posted by: cordyline (3970)   Report abuse
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades

Posted by: raymyjamie (4642) Report abuse
Brightened up me breakfast Cordy,you're a star

Posted by: cordyline (3970)   Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (3970)   Report abuse
Told the wife that a husband is like a fine wine;

he gets better with age.

The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

Posted by: cordyline (3970)   Report abuse
Jake was dying

His wife sat at the bedside giving him a drink

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess'

'There's no need to'
his wife replied; urging him to continue drinking!

'No' he insisted

'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister'

'I know' she replied

'Now just rest and let the poison work'

Posted by: cordyline (3970)   Report abuse
Tip for The Grand National

Creosote

it's good over fences.....

Posted by: cordyline (3970)   Report abuse
Tip for The Grand National; V-Neck

It's a good jumper

Posted by: cordyline (3970)   Report abuse
Why a snake has no legs

God: How many animals do I have left to make?

Angel: 2

God: How many legs do I have left?

Angel: 100

Centipede: Dibs!

Snake: Doh !!!

Posted by: cordyline (3970)   Report abuse
Another one for the National - Clothes Line.

You can put your shirt on it.

or

Sore-foot - he is going to walk it.

Posted by: cordyline (3970)   Report abuse
Final tip for the Grand National.

Dusty Carpet.....never been beaten.

Posted by: cordyline (3970)   Report abuse
......Although I fancy "Fishmonger" for a place.....

Posted by: priscus (5511) Report abuse
Be a dear and make a venison pie!

Posted by: cordyline (3970)   Report abuse
Police want to interview me

Which is strange, because I can't remember applying for a job....

Posted by: cordyline (3970)   Report abuse
What do you call two blokes sitting on top of a window?

Kurt an' Rod

Posted by: cordyline (3970)   Report abuse
Chris Eubank has just written a book about Ethics.

If it's a success his next one will be about Kent.

Posted by: cordyline (3970)   Report abuse
The three unwritten rules of life

1.
2.
3.

Posted by: cordyline (3970)   Report abuse
What do you call a man with a number plate on his head ?

Reg
-------------------------
What does his mum call him ?

R Reg

Posted by: priscus (5511) Report abuse
I don't care what you calls it, Lady Chatt'ly. I CALLS IT OVERTIME!

Posted by: cordyline (3970)   Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (3970)   Report abuse
What do you call a lady with one leg?

Eileen.

------------------------------------

What do you call a Chinese lady with one leg?

Irene.

Posted by: cordyline (3970)   Report abuse
I said to my wife this morning

"I was just reading in a scientific paper that blades of grass can actually feel pain. Amazing isn't it?"

The wife replied

"Nice try Mate -- The lawnmower's in the shed"

Posted by: cordyline (3970)   Report abuse
I looked at the credit card statement,

then I looked up at my wife,

and then I glared at the statement again.


Thousands spent frivolously on dresses, handbags, and shoes...

.....She mustn't find out......

Posted by: cordyline (3970)   Report abuse
What do you call a women with 3 pints on each shoulder and 2 on her head ?

Beertrix

Posted by: cordyline (3970)   Report abuse
What do you call 'Beeertrix' who can carry 3 pints on each shoulder

and 2 on her head, all while playing snooker;

Beertrix Potter

 
 
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