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Birth Announcement
Started by: cordyline (4307)   Report abuse
/////////////?//////-------------

Shania Twain has announced the birth of her son this morning.

'Choo Choo' was born at 7am weighing 5lb 6oz.

Posted by: chatty (5810)  Report abuse
"That don't impress me much".

Posted by: PeterP (6313) Report abuse
Could have been named diesel

Posted by: cordyline (4307)   Report abuse
An old man turned up at the offices of a large company one afternoon.

"Hello I'm Brian Turner's uncle;

I've come to ask if he can have the rest of the afternoon off so I can take him to the big match."

"I'm afraid he's not here" came the reply

"we already gave him the afternoon off to attend your funeral"

Posted by: graneyjoseph (4593)   Report abuse
congrats to Shania.

Posted by: PeterP (6313) Report abuse
Who is Shania

Posted by: chatty (5810)  Report abuse
Choo Choos mum.

Posted by: cordyline (4307)   Report abuse
Shania

Posted by: peter israel (580)  Report abuse
good one chatty

Posted by: aussie94 (1636) Report abuse

Posted by: grimshaw (948)  Report abuse
Nice one chatty..

Posted by: jo anne (31745)   Report abuse


Shania's issued a statement in response to this WW announcement:

"I have not had a baby named Choo Choo Twain, and, what's more, never the Twain shall meet!"

Anyway, I'd best me making tracks. I'll get my coach.

Posted by: cordyline (4307)   Report abuse

Posted by: jo anne (31745)   Report abuse
I bet that other Twain wasn't so chuffed when an announcement was made about him either:

"The report of my death was an exaggeration." (Mark Twain, 1897)

Posted by: cordyline (4307)   Report abuse
2020 Olympic high jump results:

Gold - Mexico

Silver - Mexico

Bronze - Mexico

Posted by: section 8 (2875)  Report abuse
Cordy

Pole Vault too. :D

Posted by: graneyjoseph (4593)   Report abuse

Posted by: PeterP (6313) Report abuse
Joe maybe we should come out of retirement and start a Mexican tunnelling company

Posted by: cordyline (4307)   Report abuse

Posted by: bassman (3584) Report abuse
Who gives a funkeys muck.....

Posted by: turbo (2123) Report abuse
You are kidding? they have named him Choo Choo ?

Posted by: cordyline (4307)   Report abuse
An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'how do you stay in such great physical condition?'

I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' he says, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'

"'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. "How old was your Father when he died?"

"Who said he was dead?"

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive.
"How old is he?"

'He's 100 years old, in fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Nonno's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's
still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?

Posted by: cordyline (4307)   Report abuse
Before i got married I would just drive aimlessly around car parks....


because I had nobody to point out the empty spaces.

Posted by: cordyline (4307)   Report abuse

Man walks into a pub. The pub's dead. Not a soul in there. He orders a pint and the Landlord sighs, gets up, pours him a beer then sits down and puts his head back in his hands.
'Hard times?' says the fella.
'God yeh' says the landlord. Bought the pub a few weeks back and I'm nearly bankrupt already. Tried it all. Quiz nights, bands, buy one get one free. The lot. No matter what I try I cant get a customer. I'm at my wits end. If it carries on like this I'm finished.'

Your man has a think and says, 'Calm down I'll be back in an hour.'

Sure enough an hour later your man walks back in and he has a tin under one arm and a duck under the other.
The Landlord looks bewildered.
'Watch' say the fella.

He puts the tin on the bar and then put the duck on the tin. Lo and behold the duck starts tap dancing like a good un. Little flappy feet going like the clappers.

'Gosh, thats amazing!' says the Landlord.

'Just put him in the window and I'll be back in a week' says your man

Sure enough. a week later the fella walks by the pub but now its a different place. It's packed to the rafters, theres 100s in there. Beer flying around and all come to see the amazing tap dancing duck. Pushing his way through the crowds the fella finally gets to the bar.

He get's the attention of the landlord. 'How's it going?' he says. 'Better?'

The landlord is white as a sheet, there's bags under his eyes and he looks like a dead man walking.
'Well' he says. First I have to thank you. You've saved my business.I owe you everything.'

'Well, what's the problem?'

'I haven't slept for a week! The beer is selling, business is good but I'm at my wits end
The Mrs has left me, I haven't slept for 6 nights now. I can't stop the bloody duck tap dancing. All day. All Night. Every Night. Tap tap tap tap bloody tap. It's killing me. It's torture.'

'Oh my goodness' says the fella. 'I forgot to tell you how to make him stop'

He picks the duck up, puts it under one arm, picks the tin up, takes the lid off the tin and


blows out the candle.

Posted by: cordyline (4307)   Report abuse
A cab driver reaches the pearly gates. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven.

Next in line is a preacher. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow and says

"OK, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff"

The preacher is shocked and replies "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!"

St. Peter responds matter-of-factly

"This is Heaven and up here, we are interested in results

When you preached, people slept --

When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed"

Posted by: cordyline (4307)   Report abuse

My mate Tommy went on a date with a blonde woman last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked

"Yes" Tom replied "I have one child that's just under two"


She said "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is"

Posted by: cindy (5547)   Report abuse
Sum Guduns there cordy

Posted by: cordyline (4307)   Report abuse
Cheers Cindy

I entered what I ate over the past few day into my new fitness app;

.....it just sent an ambulance to my house.

Posted by: cordyline (4307)   Report abuse
I'm taking up scuba diving on the cheap.

Instead of using a cylinder I'll be using a bag of Walker's crisps -

there's enough air in it to stay submerged for 2 hours...

Posted by: cordyline (4307)   Report abuse
I nearly got knocked off my bike by a council salt wagon last night.

"You dozy bleedin' twit" I shouted, through gritted teeth.

Posted by: cordyline (4307)   Report abuse
I dropped a tenner yesterday and chased it for miles.

I never caught it but at least it gave me a good run for my money.

Posted by: cordyline (4307)   Report abuse
Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognized none of those."

"I'm sorry Sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it," he says, "I am the worlds leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant, "I've just realised I was playing you the bee side!"

Posted by: cordyline (4307)   Report abuse
Warrington Wolves trophy room has been broken into and all the contents have been stolen.

Police are looking for a man with a green and yellow carpet.

Posted by: cordyline (4307)   Report abuse
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?

Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

Posted by: cordyline (4307)   Report abuse
Sky News: "Britain soon to ban Plastic Straws"

Typical....

Americans are holding onto their AR-15s, while we have to give up our pea-shooters.

Posted by: cordyline (4307)   Report abuse
I got a new job with the samaritans last week.

Tried to ring in sick this morning but they talked me out of it.

Posted by: Tommy Two Stroke (2235) Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (4307)   Report abuse
As I pointed the gun in my wife's face I said

"Any last words?"

Three hours later, I shot her.

Posted by: cordyline (4307)   Report abuse
Does anyone know how long you cook these

"boil in the bag fish" that you win at the fun fair?

Posted by: cordyline (4307)   Report abuse
Batman and Catwoman were going out on a date and were sitting in the batcave
"Oh Batty," she gushes. "You really are the greatest of all the superheroes"
"Thank you" replies Batman
"No really" she continues "you're brave, strong and true. You're quick-witted and fair. Everyone is scared of you"
"Please..." he replies

"And you're so hunky!" she giggles. "You look so good in your costume and I love your pointy ears. I'm the luckiest cat alive
Now... I'm going to call us a cab and we're going to have a great evening"
She gets her mobile out of her bag, but can't switch it on.
"Oh," she says. "Can you have a look - you're so good with gadgets"

"I'm afraid" he replies "your phone will not work because of your bat flattery"

Posted by: cordyline (4307)   Report abuse
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grandson who is coming to visit with his wife

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301
There is a big panel at the front door, With your elbow, push button 301.
I will buzz you in.
Come inside, the elevator is on the right.
Get in, and with your elbow, push 3.
When you get out, I'm on the left.. With your elbow, hit my doorbell"

"Grandma, that sounds easy,
but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........

"What . . . .. .. Are you coming empty handed?"

 
 
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