Beckham

Beckham gets in a cab

He sees driver looking at him in rear view mirror

After about 5 minutes driver says, ok give me a clue.

Bex says, I had a glittering career at Man U, played in USA and got over 100 caps for England,

is that enough?
Driver says, No you thick Git

Where are you going ?

Cordy

I told her :

"I might not be rich, I have no money or villa or cars or companies like my friend Cindy

But I love you and adore you"


She looked at me with tears in her eyes and hugged me like there is no tomorrow and whispered in my ear... :

"If you really really love me, introduce me to Cindy...."

Haha

Ha ha,good one cordy.

Accidently swallowed some Scrabble tiles last night

- Now I'm frightened to go to the loo......

It could Spell Disaster!

hell cordy I had a girlfriend like her ,where was that cindy when you wanted him.

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt

Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche

Cordy

Jazzy

AN AIRPLANE WAS ABOUT TO CRASH; THERE WERE 5 PASSENGERS ON BOARD, BUT ONLY 4 PARACHUTES.

THE FIRST PASSENGER, HOLLY MADISON SAID, "I HAVE MY OWN REALITY SHOW AND I AM THE SMARTEST AND PRETTIEST WOMAN AT PLAYBOY, SO AMERICANS DON'T WANT ME TO DIE." SHE TOOK THE FIRST PACK AND JUMPED OUT OF THE PLANE.

THE SECOND PASSENGER, JOHN MCCAIN, SAID, "I'M A SENATOR, AND A DECORATED WAR HERO FROM AN ELITE NAVY UNIT FROM THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA." SO HE GRABBED THE SECOND PACK AND JUMPED.

THE THIRD PASSENGER, DONALD TRUMP SAID, "I AM GOING TO BE THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, I AM THE SMARTEST MAN IN OUR COUNTRY, AND I WILL MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN" .

SO HE GRABBED THE PACK NEXT TO HIM AND JUMPED OUT.

THE FOURTH PASSENGER, BILLY GRAHAM, SAID TO THE FIFTH PASSENGER, A 10-YEAR-OLD SCHOOLGIRL, "I HAVE LIVED A FULL LIFE AND SERVED MY GOD THE BEST I COULD. I WILL SACRIFICE MY LIFE AND LET YOU HAVE THE LAST PARACHUTE. "

THE LITTLE GIRL SAID "THAT'S OKAY, MR GRAHAM. THERE'S A PARACHUTE LEFT FOR YOU. THE SMARTEST MAN IN AMERICA TOOK MY SCHOOLBAG"

The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner



Here's a little fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends.
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.


They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.


Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Jewish, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --



Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

Cordy

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him: "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired..
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed.
Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem; I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship!"
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,

"Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered"

Ha ha, excellent cordy

Norman, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.
He engages the services of a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'
...
The prostitute replies, 'Well Norman, you old seadog, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots?' he asks,” What's that supposed to mean”

She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.'

The man who invented predictive text has died.

His funfair is next Monkey.

Hillary Clinton is elected president and on the first night she spends in the White House she is visited by the ghost of George Washington.
She asks him, "George, what can I do to best serve the United States?"
The ghost of George Washington responds, "Never tell a lie."
She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."
The next night, she is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson.
She asks him, "Thomas, what can I do to best serve the United States?"
The ghost of Thomas Jefferson responds, "Listen to the people."
She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."
On the third night, she is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln.
She asks him, "Abraham, what can I do to best serve the United States?"
The ghost of Abraham Lincoln responds, "Go see a play."

cordy thanks for all the laughs

Ha ha staff, cordy excellent

thank you both for the laughs

cant believe how realistic these new 3D tv's are . I fell asleep watching the liverpool game and when i woke up my wallet had gone

Staff

Cordy

Except for the Rihanna one, if she took a chocolate bar off me, she'd need to count her fingers

Couldn't believe what I was hearing yesterday when the wife said:

"Darling, I fancy a nude whore."

being valentines day, my mind went into overdrive imagining a steamy threesome.

Unfortunately, she continued:

"Do you think we should get a upvc one, or a traditional wooden one?"

got her a vibrator for valentines day

she,s done nowt but moan all day

Staff, people here are wondering why I'm muttering nude whore under my breath, took me a while to get that one....doh!

Apparently, when the wife said "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new...." "anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.

Staff, you are naughty

Spot the difference

Sum guduns there

cordyline. Brilliant. Ger um in agen.

Jack asked Mike for a favour.

"I am sleeping with the ministers wife. Can you keep him at the church for an hour or so after this Sundays service?"

Mike did not like it, but agreed

After church, he talked to the minister, asking all sorts of questions to keep him occupied.

The minister grew annoyed and asked "Mike, what are you really up to?"

Mike felt guilty and confessed, "My buddy asked me to keep you occupied because he is sleeping with your wife"

The minister put a brotherly hand on Mikes shoulder and replied, "You may want to hurry home, Mike.
My wife died a year ago!"

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....



'I HAVEN'T MADE THE BLEEDING PORRIDGE YET'

Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning
and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows
he cheats on me. It is so humiliating!

Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.
All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot bull with his buddies
and has sex with hookers while I work so hard to pay our bills.

Since our daughter went away to college and then got married; he doesn't even
pretend to like me, and hints that I may be a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed: Clueless

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. You don't need him anymore! Good grief woman, you're running for President of the United States!

A 4-months-pregnant woman falls into a deep coma. 5 months later she wakes up and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are perfectly fine. Luckily your brother named them for you.
Woman: Oh no not my brother! He's an idiot. What did he name the my daughter?
Doctor: Denise
Woman: Oh that's not that bad. What did he name my son?

Doctor: Denephew

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Donald Trump fans.

Not really knowing what a Donald Trump fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for smart Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different...

Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not a Donald Trump fan."

The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Donald Trump?"

Johnny said, "Because I'm a Democrat."

The teacher asked him why he's a Democrat.

Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Democrat and my Dad's a Democrat, so I'm a Democrat."

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me a Donald Trump fan"

SIGNS

On a Maternity Room door:
Push. Push. Push.

At a Car Dealership:
The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.`

Outside a Muffler Shop:
No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

cordy

I was out at the shops earlier today and I saw a security guard at the Samsung store

I thought WOW!

there is a Guardian of the Galaxy.

Ha ha, good one cordy

An Arab sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose.

As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found
locally, the call went out around the world.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had the same rare blood type.
After some coaxing, the Scot donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman a new BMW, a diamond necklace for his wife, and $100,000 in appreciation for the blood donation.

A few months later, the Arab had to undergo a corrective surgical procedure.

Once again, his doctor telephoned the Scotsman who this time was more than happy to donate his blood.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.

He then phoned the Arab and asked him:-
"I thought you would be more generous than that. Last time you sent me a BMW, diamonds and money, but this time you only sent me a lousy thank-you card and a crappy box of chocolates?"


To this the Arab replied:-

"Aye, laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins"